I have not been the best blogger the past few days.  We had a really busy weekend, which was good and I just haven't really felt like writing.  I feel like I should do a little update though, so here goes...

Group Therapy Session

I ended up talking to the therapist (group leader) over the phone.  The conversation went about as well as I expected.  She understood my points and said that she was not happy with the way that things had gone for me.  She was most unhappy to learn about my "buddy experiences" and said that she wished I would have brought it up sooner to her.  She tried to get me to go to the last session (last Thursday), but I declined.

I did receive a few nice emails from 3 of the girls in the group.  The one who acknowledged me at the Monday session, the one who had said she was jealous of my being able to get pregnant on my own, and the one who was pregnant herself.  I responded to all of the them and wished them the best of luck, and told them that I wasn't going to be going back.

MIL/SIL Pregnancy Revelation

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law came over last Friday for my SIL's birthday.  My husband ended up telling his mom right after our 7 week ultrasound because he had not been able to tell anyone.  I felt bad since my mom and a few of my sisters and close friends know.  She was obviously overjoyed and wanted to start telling people, but we obviously told her she could not until we gave her the high sign.

We told his sister at her birthday dinner and she started crying.  She knows about everything that we have been through and she was really happy for us, but understood the frailty of the situation.  She also promised not to tell.

I was really nervous about telling them, but I feel like it was the right choice.  I told them that by knowing, they will have to be there for us if things go bad.  They all understood the magnitude of everything.

Husband's Friend Pregnancy Revelation

I thought we were done with the "spilling" of information until Saturday night my husband's friend invited us over for dinner.  You might remember his friend from the last paragraph of this post.  I had not felt great all day and the thought of eating steak tips made me want to puke.  We had just stopped by the soup shop to get me some more of my favorite chicken noodle for dinner.  I felt bad declining yet another invitation to go over to their house.  Their baby is now almost a year and I only saw her once by chance.  I had not seen his wife in 3 or more years.  So, my husband said yes and we agreed that we would go and tell them why I was eating chicken soup.  They did know about the miscarriages, too.  So anyways we told them.  They were also very happy for us.  I ended up finding out that my husband's friend's wife had a still born when she was only 16 (she was in a seriously abusive relationship).  I had no idea that she had been through that.  I just assumed that everything was always easy for her.  I guess that just goes to show you that not everything is as it appears.

How I Am Feeling Physically

Physically I am doing ok.  I am about 8 1/2 weeks.  I have nausea most of the day, but worse in the early AM, late PM and in the middle of the night.  I do have some good days though when I feel mostly ok (those days tend to freak me out and I am happiest when I am sick).  Everything for the most part sounds gross to me, food-wise.  I have had some weird cravings that have come on quickly.  I will eat that craved item (i.e. lo mein) and then I will never want it again.  I have lost 5 pounds in the last 3 weeks due to my lacking appetite.  I have been having regular headaches.  My boobs are on and off sore although mostly not sore at all.  They just feel much bigger. I am not really showing, but I look about 3 months pregnant in the PM with bloatedness.  I am tired all the time.  I am cold most of the time.  I get up about 3-6 times a night to pee.  Probably doesn't help that I take my vitamins right before bed and then take my Levo right before I get up (lots of water).  I have also had really itchy legs.  I read that this can be a sign of a rare liver condition that can cause still births.  God, I hope not.  I am definitely going to bring this up on Friday if all goes well.

How I Am Feeling Mentally

It is funny because I generally feel calmer than I ever have in any pregnancy, but I am totally freaked for my Friday ultrasound.  I feel like this is my true make it or break it one.  If I see a good heartbeat then I can relax a little because that will be the farthest that I have gotten.  I still won't "relax" ever I think.  I have made little mile markers for myself that I am hoping to get past so we'll see how many of them I can hit.  Hopefully all of them.  I am also feeling quite weepy.  Not sure why exactly.  I will be fine one minute then I will hear a song that reminds me of a bad time and I will just start crying.  I think I might have some very low level depression still.  I would imagine that is normal with everything that has happened in the past year though.

Ok that is all for now.  I am excited to catch up on everyone else's blogs.  I have not been at my computer much this past weekend.  Hope you all had a nice Labor Day!

***Warning- this is kind of long and kind of an uncomfortable topic***

I made the decision to "come out" about my pregnancy to my group therapy leader after my first ultrasound at 5 1/2 weeks.  I thought about quitting the group completely, but then I remembered how much I had paid for it and how much of a benefit that I saw after just a few weeks of going.  I sent her an email and explained to her that I was not ready to tell anyone else yet.  She agreed to keep it between us, but she encouraged me to let her tell the others (group policy) as soon as I felt comfortable.

In the group, we have had a steady stream of bad news over the past few weeks.  Learning of one girl's issue with MFI, another girl's chemical pregnancy and being told by a doctor that she was in for a "marathon and not a sprint", and yet another girls issue with bad eggs, made me not want to divulge my information. 

Not feeling comfortable enough to share with the group kind of bothered me though because I signed up for the group and fully disclosed that my issue was not with getting pregnant necessarily, but with staying pregnant (also considered by doctors as "infertility").  Some of the girls had issue with the fact that I was not doing IVF and mentioned to me that they were jealous that I was ever able to get pregnant even though I miscarried habitually.  I am the only one in the group who is not currently undergoing IVF or waiting on the bench to start (one other girl just finished her last IUI and is now moving to IVF).  This always made me feel slightly awkward.

Another thing that bothered me was the whole "buddy assignment".  I was paired up with a buddy who lives the closest to me, which was basically no one, so they set me up with someone who lives near my work.  She is a very nice person, don't get me wrong, but we have absolutely nothing in common other than the desire to have a baby.  She is 10 years older than me.  She was recently married.  She is being denied infertility coverage because of her age and her FSH level.  She is possibly looking into egg donation.  I am totally jealous of other girls in the group who have formed close friendships with their buddies.  They even have get-togethers with their husbands.  We are supposed to call or visit our buddies weekly outside of the group.  I have made attempts to contact my buddy through email and have even tried to get together (I got sick).  She hasn't even made an effort to email me other than in response to one of my emails.  I haven't even talked to her in the past 2-3 weeks because I basically gave up.  What's the point?

I attended a session about a week and a half ago and I found myself lying when people asked me about where I was in my treatment.  I told everyone that asked that we were taking a break and left it at that.  Basically, after I found out that I was pregnant, I started to get less and less out of the group because I stopped sharing.  I even skipped last week's session.  After finally getting a pregnancy announcement from one of the girls last Thursday, I decided to let the leader spill it to everyone.  I was nervous, but done with the hiding.

Last night we had a session where husbands were encouraged to attend.  I dragged my husband there.  He wanted to go to Crossfit, but agreed that he would go, for me.  The guys had their own session while we had a Q&A session with the founder of the program.  Immediately upon walking into the room, I noticed a different attitude towards me from the girls.  No one said hi.  No one made eye contact with me.  Everyone was kind of whispering.  It was like I was the uncool kid in first grade that no one wanted to associate with.  I felt totally uncomfortable and probably should have just left then.

I brought some food/paper products as one of those assigned to bring food for the evening.  As I was arranging stuff in bowls, one of the girls (who I actually find to be the most genuine and nice) touched my shoulder and whispered, "Congrats.  I am so happy for you."  I thanked her and told her how nervous I was about everything and she said she totally understood.  I felt a little better after that.

The session itself was ok although I felt weird because no one would talk to me before the conversation started.  I tried making jokes and small talk and no one would even slightly entertain me.  Most of the questions were centered around egg donation and insurance coverage, which I am not that interested in.  We talked very little about adoption, which I am interested in.  I really wanted to ask a question about RPL, but could not get a word in edgewise.  Several of the girls monopolized the entire conversation.  I didn't even end up opening my mouth.  I think I was the only one who didn't.

After the speaker left, and before the guys came back, the group leader started talking.  I had to pee really bad so I made a quiet exit.  I was only gone for 3-4 minutes at most.  When I got back the entire conversation had changed somehow to "elephants in the room" and people "dealing" with those that were newly pregnant.  Ironically enough, this conversation started when I left the room and coming into it after it was started made me feel really awkward.  The other pregnant girl in the room started talking about her experiences with being newly pregnant and her buddy quickly chimed in saying that she was so happy for her and that it gave her so much hope.  Other girls also chimed in and said how happy they were for her.  After all, she went through 4 rounds of IVF, I did not.  I guess losing 3 babies in a year isn't a big deal to most of those girls since I could get pregnant.  No one mentioned me.  No one acknowledged that I was also pregnant.  I almost felt like I wasn't even there.  This conversation seemed to go on forever.  At one point I decided I had enough and was going to say something to stop all of the tension, but then the guys paraded back in and that was the end of that. 

My husband came in and immediately sensed my tension level.  He asked if I was ok and I nodded.  We still had an hour of the session left.  The group leader mentioned that we finished early so she was going to let us all out ahead of schedule.  I was jumping for joy inside.  Then at the last minute she decided to do a group relaxation exercise.  I felt the wind knocked out of me.  I don't think I have ever been so tense during a relaxation, EVER.  I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to leave.

After the relaxation she said we were free to mingle with everyone else or we could head off.  I gathered up my bowls and tried to pawn off the rest of the leftover food, but everyone ignored me.  Seriously.  My husband helped me pick up and then I told him I was ready to go.  He said goodbye to several guys and they responded back.  I said goodbye and no one even turned around.  Everyone was busy chatting.  Everyone but me.

I need more time to process everything before I can write about how this all really made me feel.  I know that infertility is hard.  I have been dealing with it for a while now.  Seeing others get pregnant is hard and it fucking sucks because it is them and not you.  I hate it.  I fucking get it.  I have watched my friend get pregnant with their second child when I can't even seem to have one.  At least show a little compassion for me knowing that getting pregnant isn't my hardest battle and tell me that it is hard to hear about yet another pregnancy, but acknowledging my struggle.  Acknowledge that I am here.  Acknowledge that the hardest part for me lies just ahead.  Give me a little support since that is what the group is supposed to be about.

Needless to say, I will NOT be returning to that group. 

Yesterday was a much better day than the previous day.  I went to acupuncture at lunch and felt so incredibly relaxed afterwards.  I guess I should thank my husband for encouraging me to stick with it.  :-)

After work I headed straight to my group therapy session.  I was able to meet my "buddy" for the first time in person, though we had conversed over email already.  She is quite a few years older than me, but still seemed really upbeat about things even though her situation seems much more daunting than mine at this point in time. 

We spent the first part of session "spilling our guts".  A few girls came forward with personal stories about how infertility was constantly affecting their lives (waves hand).  Tissues were passed around.  I didn't speak, but listened today.  I wasn't really in a sharing mood at that point.

After our conversation the leader turned down the lights and we did some guided relaxation.  I was very skeptical at first and my mind kept wandering, but after a few minutes of feeling my breath and relaxing the mentioned parts of my body, I became deeply relaxed.  It was almost as good of a feeling as I get after acupuncture.

Once the relaxation exercise was complete, we split up into groups and did a listening exercise.  Each person would talk for 4 minutes straight without being interrupted.  The one-sided conversation consisted of each of us talking about the relaxation techniques we had used the previous week, but then switched to talking about our cycles and where we were in this "journey".  It was so awesome talking to two girls who totally understood everything I was saying!

As a closing exercise, we did some mini-relaxations.  The group leader encouraged us to try one longer relaxation every day and as many mini-relaxations as we could fit in.  I would encourage everyone to try this!  It only takes a few minutes and makes you feel more relaxed and less anxious immediately.

Last night was my first group infertility/loss therapy session.  I left as soon as I got home from work, which left me an hour to get there.  To my dismay, the traffic was horrendous!  I found myself quite stressed out and banging on my steering wheel at some points because of the ridiculousness of it.  No accident, no construction, just idiot drivers constantly switching lanes and slowing the flow of traffic to a slow crawl.  Can you tell my normal commute consists of me sleeping on the train?  It ended up taking me over an hour to get there so of course I was late.  Not a good way to start off the evening.

I walked in to see a group of people, males and females, sitting in a circle.  Apparently I didn't get the memo that husbands were supposed to go last night!  Luckily I wasn't the only one who didn't get that snippet of info, but it made things even more awkward for me.  Sigh.

We spent the first half hour or so learning about the origins of the program and its founder.  The therapist, whom I had spoken with before, talked a little bit about her background with loss and infertility.  We talked about the connection with stress and infertility and how the course would help us learn how to cope.  Included in the program were 2 peer counselors who had been through the program before.  They spoke about their experiences and how much they had been helped as a result of taking the class.  Both of those ladies were currently undergoing IVF.

Next, we went around the circle (there were about 12 ladies total, plus most with their spouses) and gave some information about ourselves including our names, where we lived/were from, one interesting thing about us, and what we hoped to gain from the program.  As we went around the room and participants gave their information, I found that almost every single one of them had similar reasons for being there.  Some were Type A and stressed out.  Some needed help healing with anxiety.  Some had control issues that were being seriously tested.  Some people's intros were very teary and tissues were passed around freely. 

When it came to be my turn to share (I was last), I mentioned that I was the oldest of 7 with my youngest sibling being only 12.  I told them my main goal from the program is to learn better coping skills to deal with my intense jealousy of pregnant women.  I mentioned that I feel like everyone around me is pregnant or just had a baby.  When I said this, literally every girl in the group nodded.  How nice to be in a group where EVERYONE understands what I am going through.  I felt so much more relaxed after sharing.

After that we were assigned a buddy and had 15 minutes to chat with them and get acquainted.  This buddy is someone who we are supposed to check in with regularly through the week during the program and beyond.  Of course my buddy was the only one that was not there!  She was on vacation so I will need to contact here via email this week.  I spent the 15 minutes talking to one of the peer counselors during the buddy time.  She was shocked to learn that I was not currently undergoing IUI or IVF.  I told her that I was taking Femara with TI and she looked at me like I had 6 heads.  At first it seemed like she thought I didn't really "need" to be there.  Then I explained my 3 miscarriages in 1 year and she immediately changed her tone.  I think she almost felt bad for making me have to justify. 

We ended yesterday evening by going over the schedule and doing a relaxing breathing exercise.  We received a binder with all of the course material, a book that was written by the program founder, a relaxation meditation CD and an infertility yoga CD.  Overall I am excited for this.  I think (besides the dreaded drive) it will give me something to look forward to for the next couple of weeks.