I try not to let it get the best of me.  I never used to have a fear of flying.  I used to love it and find it relaxing.  I am not sure exactly when the real fear started.  I think it may have been on a flight back from Hawaii in 2005 when my red-eye from LA experienced an air pocket that made the plane drop like crazy and then bounce around like popcorn for over an hour for no apparent reason.  This woke me up from a dead sleep.  Not a fun experience and ever since then I have been a white knuckle flyer.

I haven't let my fear stop me from flying on a semi-regular basis, but I do let it cause me anxiety.  My heart races, my palms sweat, my stomach hurts, and my breathing gets shallow.  Someone once told me that this fear is all related to a deep-seeded control issue that I have.  At first I totally dismissed the comment as untrue, but then I thought about it and realized that I do have incredible control issues.  Obviously when the plane is in the air, I have no control over what happens.  I like having control over things...my hair, my makeup, what I wear, what I listen to, what I eat, how much I weigh, what I do at work, etc.  Going through this RPL/infertility journey has shown me even more how much I like to control everything and it has also shown me that that is not possible.  I have no real control over when I get pregnant.  Yes, I can try to do things to help increase my chances, but I can't make it happen when I want.  I need to accept that.  I need to loosen my control grip.  It's times like this that I wish I had more faith.  I wish I was more religious so that I could give up control to God.  Sometimes I really envy people who are very religious.  Sigh.

I am using my newly learned breathing exercises and meditation to try to calm myself before we hit the friendly skies this evening and hoping I can avoid the serious anxiety and just think about enjoying this trip!  The timing of this trip could be great, too.  I have yet to get a positive opk (cd 15).  I am still having watery CM so I am hoping O is right around the corner.  We have 3 days of vacation to try to make a baby.  Hopefully the opk fairy will wave her magic wand and make my digi stick smile soon.  I just need to relax and imagine that egg being released...positive thoughts.