Back in my days of trying to conceive, it did not take me long to learn that that blue dye pregnancy tests were never to be trusted.  BabyCenter, Fertility Friend, Pee On A Stick...you mention a blue test and they will all tell you the same thing.  Blue = BAD.  Whether it was the thickness of the line, the depth of color of the line, or whether or not there was a true plus sign, those things were considered extremely unreliable.  Visit any tweakers board and they will usually have a disclaimer that says that they do not tweak blue dye tests or if you came to them with a blue dye test to tweak, they would tell you to come back with a pink one.
When I was peeing on sticks, regularly, I always preferred FRER (First Response Early Response).  When that habit started to get too expensive, I would buy large quantities of cheapie Wondfos off of Amazon to satisfy my "craving".  Those tests sucked, but the pregnancy tests were pink and thus tweakable and considered more reliable than the blue dye tests.

After my last miscarriage, I regularly tested to see if my HCG levels were back down to 0 so that I could start trying again.  During that time, I made the mistake of purchasing a CVS brand pregnancy test.  I was in a hurry, it was on sale, and yadda, yadda, yadda, it ended up on my bathroom counter.  For the purposes of testing to see that my levels were back at 0, I figured it was ok.  When I took the test at that time, back came a thin blue line, which indicated to me that I still had some pregnancy hormones floating around.  Taking the same test two weeks later showed me a negative.  Case closed.  I still had one test left, though, which I stuck in the back of my closet for a future emergency.

About a week and a half ago, I started feeling a little bit off.  All of a sudden my nipples were incredibly sensitive, I developed a zit on my chin, I was terrible lethargic, and I started feeling crampy.  "You're getting your period!" you might think.  I would have thought that this might have been the case except for that my husband and I had unprotected sex (for the first time since the baby was born) and 2 days later I had some serious EWCM.  I was about 6-7 days out from there so I started to get a little bit suspicious that maybe,  just maybe, I was pregnant.  Oops.

I did what any normal, post-miscarriage surviving mommy to an almost 1 year old would do and dug into the back of my closet for any pregnancy test that I might have.  Poof!  CVS blue dye test, a cup of fresh pee, and an extremely nervous me, secretly holed up in the bathroom.  I checked the expiration date on the box and I will admit that it was just ever so slightly expired (only by 2 months).  I figured that it was better than nothing and I dunked the stick in.  I set it on the counter with a tissue over it like I did back in the old days.

Those five minutes of me sitting on the toilet, waiting for the test to finish, were agonizing.  Was I really ready for another baby if I were pregnant?  Could we afford another child right now?  Why didn't we use a condom?  Was my body ready for another pregnancy?  Where would we put the baby?  Would it be a boy or a girl?  Would I have to cancel my NYC Marathon entry...again?  How would I tell my husband?  Would he be happy?

Ding...ding!  After five of the longest minutes in my whole life, I pulled off the tissue and saw this...

I caved and tested this morning.  I wasn't feeling pregnant, but I am just sick of not knowing one way or another.  As I expected, an unquestionable BFN.  Even though I have been expecting this for this cycle due to the fact that I was so sick right around O, it doesn't make it hurt any less.  We did have sex 8 days in a row right around my fertile period.  If I could, I would scream and cry and pound my fists on the floor.  I can't do that though because I don't want my husband to think I am a total psycho.  Instead, I am going to just pretend like it's not that big of a deal and start planning next month around my stupid cycle.

Last night we went to our local fireworks with our dog.  We were literally the only 30 something couple there without children.  I pointed this out to my husband and he proceeded to ask me if I could go one day without bringing up this type of depressing comment.  I pointed out that I didn't make a depressing comment yesterday.  Not the kind of fight I want to get into.

We were supposed to go to a BBQ at a friend's house today, but now I don't feel like going.  One of my friends that got pregnant by accident might be there and I definitely am in no mood to face her and her new perfect baby today.  Instead, I am going to first go to the gym and kick my own ass there.  Next, I am going to take out my aggression on a paint brush and paint my dining room.  Then maybe I'll go to Home Goods and buy some shelves.  Fun times.

I thought this medicine that I was taking was supposed to help me get pregnant.  It seems like it is only hurting me.  I never had trouble getting pregnant before, only had trouble sustaining the pregnancy.  Now I am having trouble getting pregnant.  What gives?  If this next cycle isn't successful, I might just go off the meds completely and contend with my long cycle.  I have totally painted a rain cloud over this day.  Happy 4th of July.

This morning I woke up to another temperature that was above the coverline.  I wanted to chuck the stupid thermometer out the window out of pure and utter frustration.  Why won't my body just learn to cooperate with me?!?!  My temp was lower for sure, but still hovering just above that red line.  My cramps were still painful and totally felt like I should be bleeding profusely although I had nothing to show for them.

Once I got to work, the cramps got even worse.  I usually don't cramp very much before my period.  I usually get a temp drop, slight cramping, and then poof my period.  I was trying to work, doubled-over at my desk when my boss stopped by to ask me how I was "doing with everything".  She knows about my whole situation and is very sympathetic to it.  She had a few miscarriages and a still born.  She now has 2 healthy kids and a lupus diagnosis.  I complained to her about my uncooperative body and she let me whine for a few minutes.  After my rant I felt better and headed to the bathroom.  Sure enough, AF decided to make her appearance.  I have (almost) never been so excited to see her.  Now those cramps just don't seem as bad.  I am on cd 1 of the first real baby-making cycle since February.  Yay!

A few things that I have learned in this first Femara cycle:

1.  Femara helped to move my ovulation date up from day 26/27 to day 17.
2.  My opk test was positive the same day that I ovulated.
3.  I still had a significant amount of fertile CM while taking Femara.
4.  I'm not a super-fertile.  Having sex 2 times in one day during my fertile period did not get me pregnant (rats).
5.  PMS can last a week.
6.  I probably do not need progesterone supplements.
7.  Patience is a virtue and I don't have it.
8.  I don't spot before AF on or off meds.
9.  Femara did lengthen my luteal phase from 11/12 days to 15 days.
10.  My temp does not need to drop below the coverline for me to get my period.
11.  My total cycle length was 32 days.  This is in the range of NORMAL!! 
12.  No matter how many times I said that I was not trying last month, getting BFNs still hurts. 

I am not sure what is going on with my cycle.  I was all excited about ovulating on day 17 and now I am 13 dpo, getting negative tests, and I am not even having cramps anymore.  I had pretty bad cramps yesterday and I expected to get my period this morning, but instead I was greeted with a huge jump in temperature.  In fact, I recorded my cycle's highest temperature this morning.  WTF?!  I have no idea what is going on.

I did some research on Femara and longer luteal phases and I found quite a few posts regarding ladies who had longer luteal phases while taking this drug.  Some of them said their luteal phases increased by 2 days.  Apparently a 'normal' luteal phase can be any where from 10-16 days long.  I have been on the lower end of normal, but now I have a feeling that I am headed towards the higher end.  Ugh.  I was so happy to think I might have a 30 day cycle...now that is shot to hell.

I am also still feeling some dull pressure in my lower left pelvic area which I have come to the conclusion is probably a cyst or two.  I have definitely had this pain before in the cycle after my chemical pregnancy and during my last pregnancy.  I know that my sister has also had similar cysts before, as well.  I have only experienced them since being off birth control.

Tomorrow morning I go for betas and then in the afternoon I have acupuncture.  I am 100% certain that I am not pregnant this cycle.  I have none of my usual pregnancy symptoms (sore breasts, runny nose, really tired, really bloated, etc.) and the FRER I took this morning has never looked so negative.  I also just know I am not pregnant.  The last 3 times that I have been pregnant I have had a gut feeling.  This time I don't have that.  I am fine with not being pregnant, but I just want to get on with my next cycle.

Today I am 8 dpo and I decided that it would be a good idea to take a pregnancy test.  I have a bunch of Wondfo tests that I got in a bundle w/ opks a few months back so I figured that what a better way to use them then when I am only 8 dpo, only had sex on one day out of my fertile period, my temps haven't been great, and have no symptoms.  Nice work on my part.  I'll spare you the suspense and let you know that it is quite negative even though I think that I have twice hallucinated a line and it has only been 10 minutes since I took the test.  Hello crazy.

Where did all this madness start when I have seemingly been doing so well?  I visited a friend this weekend who is just a little over a month away from giving birth to her second child.  She too, has had a rough road and I am so incredibly happy for her that everything in this pregnancy has gone so well.  She has been a tremendous support to me through all of my heartache.  Visiting her made me think that about the fact that I should also be pregnant right now and we should have been sharing stories about being pregnant.  Instead she got to hear me complain about miscarriage and not being pregnant.  These situations are so tough, but I am glad that I went to see her as we had a fabulous time.  I am actually proud of myself because I think I am able to deal with pregnancy situations better and better.

On Sunday, I was quite productive in the morning.  I had succeeded in planting most of my garden when I stepped on a rusty nail with flip-flops on in the backyard.  The nail went right into my foot/heel.  Since I had not had a tetanus shot in over 10 years, I spent most of my Sunday afternoon in the ER waiting for one.  Of course my first concern was, that even at 6 dpo, I could be (a little bit) pregnant so I was concerned about the shot causing issues.  I told the doctor that I could be pregnant and he immediately wanted to know if I wanted him to give me a pregnancy test.  I spilled about my situation, the Femara, miscarriages, etc.  He let me know that his wife used Clomid to conceive their last child and he told me that he never really understood miscarriage and how it was so heartbreaking until they had gone through it.  He offered the test again and I politely refused.  I know that 6 dpo is way too early for a test.  After I got the shot (which they convinced me was safe and routinely given to preggos), he came over and handed me my discharge papers.  He winked and told me that he was crossing his fingers for me.  That was nice.

Last night I had trouble sleeping.  My stomach was bothering me and I started feeling some lower left pelvic pain, sporadically.  I have had this 2 times before.  Once in the cycle following my chemical pregnancy in which I did not end up being pregnant and once 2-3 days before I got my last BFP.  When I woke up this morning I decided that my stomach was bothering me too much so I stayed home.  I got a text from my friend telling me that she is pregnant.  She has had a rougher road than anyone I know and again, I am so incredibly happy for her.  She deserves this more than anyone after all of her heartache and struggles.  I just feel sorry for myself.  Yes, I said it, I feel sorry for myself.  I know it is wrong, but I just feel like I have toiled with this long enough.  I am ready for a baby.  I have done everything possible.  My husband jokes that if this healthy diet/lifestyle that I am living doesn't provide us a better outcome this time, we are going to start smoking crack.  Yeah, he is being sarcastic, but only to a point.  So I'll leave you with a picture of my abysmally negative pregnancy test.  Oh and one more thing, if you want to get pregnant soon, you should become friends with me.  Everyone around me seems to be having good luck getting a BFP.