There is a guy that I pass during my walk to work on most mornings.  He sweeps the sidewalk outside one of the buildings.  All of the trash that ends up there, all of the cigarette butts, and all of the dirt and dust, he sweeps it up.  I am sure that you are thinking, such a shitty job, right?  You would think that this guy was just hating on life because he sees people pass him every day wearing nice suits, carrying their $4 lattes, and hustling to get to their high-profile & high-paying jobs.  The crazy thing is that he isn't unhappy or at least he isn't letting on that he is unhappy.  With a bounce in his step, he sweeps up all of the garbage, and while he is doing this he is smiling and whistling.  The whistling, which is quite pleasant to hear, is magnified as it echos off of the tall buildings in the vicinity.  As you walk by, he'll tip his head to you as if to say good morning or buck-up, friend.  It is impossible to walk by him and not have your mood elevated...just a little.

This guy clearly has much less than me, at least in the physical sense, and yet he still has a smile on his face every day.  I am sure that I make several times more money than he does, live in a nicer house, drive a nicer car, eat better food, go on nicer vacations, and just generally have a much "cushier" existence.  Am I happier?  No.  I'm not.  In fact, I am 100% positive that I am much angrier, resentful, judgmental, hateful, anxious, and ungrateful for everything that I have than he is with what he has.

On my walk to work today, with angry tears in my eyes, I decided that this has to stop.  I cannot continue living my life with such a bad attitude.  I am ruining my relationship with my husband, with my family, with my friends, and with my co-workers.  The smallest little things send me into a tailspin of anger.  For example, yesterday was what I would consider a "very bad weather day".  There were extremely high winds, snow, and cold temperatures, which are no fun in general.

Me- Already in a bad mood just watching the weather forecast.  

Add on the fact that we have been having this type of weather for 4-5 months at this point.  Add the fact that I was up all night with a crying baby.  Add the fact that I had to get up at 4:40 AM.  Add the fact that I hate all of my clothes because they outline the fact that my stomach still looks like I have a small baby bump.  Add the fact that my train was delayed more than 30 minutes, leaving me to stand on the platform, freezing.  Add the fact that they still collected full fare on the late train even though it was packed so full and there were no seats.  Add the fact that when I got to SBUX to get my coffee, there was a long line because I was so late...

Me- Get to work in an extremely bad mood which sets the tone for the rest of my day and how it would go.

Add on the fact that a co-worker decided to take it upon himself to have a conversation with my boss (on my behalf) because of a conversation we had where I had been flipping out about an email that she had sent and she was subsequently upset with me.  Add on the fact that when I got home I had to clean my house, which was a mess after being out of town the previous week and my husband had not so much as attempted to clean, because we were having a Realtor over.  Add the fact that I snapped at my husband about said lack of cleaning.  Add the fact that I was annoyed that I didn't have time to exercise.  Add the fact that I didn't get to eat dinner until 8:30 PM and didn't get to shower until 9 PM.  Add the fact that as soon as my head hit the pillow, an hour later than normal, the baby woke up screaming and only wanting mommy.

Me- Go to bed angry.     

You get where I am going with this, right?  Basically, everything that happened yesterday was one big fat ball of angry.  Nothing was good.  Everything sucked.  Wah, wah, wah.  Poor me.  This super-negative mentality has been feeding into every single part of my life lately.  As I was laying there trying to fall asleep last night, I was dwelling on the bad, the sad, and the ugly.  I didn't even think about any of the good that came out of yesterday:  Even though the train was standing room only, I ended up with a seat when someone got off at the next stop.  I finished a large task at work, presented it to my boss, and thoroughly impressed her.  I found out that a place right near my work has excellent coffee.  The baby fell asleep, peacefully, right at 6:45 PM.  The Realtor's first impressions of our house were extremely positive and she actually said that we had made a great investment.    

I am not sure if the key to creating a more positive outlook on life is to figure out what the cause of the anger is so that I can resolve it or if its is to forget about figuring out why (and therefore making excuses) and just focus on how you can improve your attitude.  I have thought about going back to a therapist because it was nice to have a sounding board for my problems.  The therapist was someone that had to listen to me bitch about my husband, my family, my job, my friends, my life, etc.  A captive audience.  The thing is, I know that I have a bad attitude and I don't necessarily want to indulge myself in hour long sessions of spilling my guts to a stranger about what I am annoyed with and/or angry about on any given day.  I am getting incredibly annoyed with myself (if that is even possible).

I want to start making a concerted effort to become more positive.  I want to be a positive force for my son.  I want to be a more positive presence for my husband.  I want to be more positive influence on my friends and family.  Even more important though, I want to be positive for myself.  I have one life.  This is it.  You know what?  It is a good one.  I am so lucky to have so much and to be so blessed.  So many people in this world would give anything to have my "problems" and sources of anger.  I have turned into a bitching, moaning, self-entitled, brat (for lack of a better word) and it has got to stop.  STOP.  RIGHT.  HERE.  RIGHT.  NOW.

We all have bad days and sometimes things don't go the way that we planned them out in our heads.  Such is life.  It is what we make of it.  We can choose to wake up each day with a scowl or a smile on our face.  We can focus on the negative or the positive.  It is up to us.

That whistling building maintenance man doesn't know it, but he very may well have have changed my life...for the better.

Today is sunny.  It isn't as cold and it isn't as windy.  My train was slightly delayed, but in the scheme of things, who cares?  I still got to work, safely.  Today is going to be a good day.
 

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I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  Maybe it is because we are fast approaching little B's first birthday?  Maybe it is because there has been a gush of pregnancy announcements (most of them 2nd or 3rd) in the past few weeks?  Maybe it is because the farther away I get from my whole infertility, terrible pregnancy, unplanned c-section experience, the less bad it seems?

Regardless of the reasons, it's happening.  Baby fever?  Not exactly.  I am torn.  Completely undecided on the idea of having another child.  Every time I make a decision in my head and think that it is the one that makes the most sense, I think of something to refute that decision and I'm back to square one.  What gives?

My husband is just as much on the fence as me.  He went from not wanting any kids, to wanting one child, to wanting for children, and now he isn't sure if he wants any more.  He really likes CrossFit (did you know???), knows that it takes lots of his time, and knows it already makes me resentful sometimes.  Why would he want to introduce another needy individual into the mix when we already struggle to keep everything together right now?

Google, "Should I have a second child?" and the results that you get won't really surprise you.  There are articles to support both decisions, although it seemed that there were definitely more articles that I found that supported the idea of "one and done".  I think that if you are looking to be convinced on the side that you are leaning towards, you will find what you want.  If you are completely undecided, like me, then the articles won't really help.

Why shouldn't you have more than one child?  Well first off, you'll be more wealthy than if you had more than one child.  Your child will be able to go to good schools, will be able to go to expensive summer camps, and you'll be able to take that family trip to Europe.  You'll have a nicer car and a nicer house.    

Another reason to only have one child?  You'll be happier, apparently.  There are several articles that I found, such as this one, that suggest that mother's of only children are the happiest.  Maybe this is because they ultimately have more time to devote to themselves and don't have to give *everything* up.  I would assume that this would ring even more true for mothers, like myself, who work full-time, exercise regularly, and have some semblance of a social life.  Life is already hard enough balancing the needs and wants of one high-maintenance child, that juggling all that with two children seems downright impossible to me.

Oh and you'll sleep more, that's for sure (unless you have my child).  Once you have successfully sleep trained one child (they say this happens eventually, but I am not convinced) then along comes the second and poof you are at square one again.  This is especially true since you'll be living in a smaller house and your kids will be sharing a room so when one of them wakes up, they both wake up.  Hugs for everyone!!  Please put on another pot of coffee!

Internet searches aside, I have seen my friends go from one child to two and for most of them, it hasn't been an easy transition.  They have less than no time to do anything that they have to do let along time to do things they want to do.  One of the children is always sick and then once one of the recovers, the other one gets it.  Someone is always crying.  The house is always messy with kids toys everywhere.  They have no time or energy to exercise.  I have even had several friends confide in me that if they could go back and do it again, they would not have had a second child.  I am not sure if there are lots of parents out there that feel this way or if I am just randomly lucky enough to know a few of them.

You would think that this knowledge, alone, might be enough to scare me away from the idea of a second child.  Just when I am making sense to myself regarding the idea of one child, this thought hits my head, "What happens if my husband and I die?  He will be all alone in the world.  How sad."  Those thoughts are accompanied by thoughts of, "He'll be a spoiled brat" and "He'll have imaginary friends", along with "I'll have to entertain him until he is 10 years old."

I knew only children growing up, in fact, one of my best friends from high school was an only child.  She is a very smart and incredibly nice person, but she definitely had an only child "diva" side that I saw on more than one occasion (albeit many, many, years ago).

The truth is that I don't know a ton of only children, but I do know of the stereotype.  Bratty, spoiled, entitled, lonely, bored, and overprotected.  I have also heard that only children are usually smarter and have lots of friends (probably because they have to or they will get bored!), though so it obviously mus not be all bad.

What I do have a ton of experience with is multiple child households, since I came from one and most of my friends came from households with more than one child.  There was always someone to play with, but also always someone to fight with (haha).  Now that I am grown up, I appreciate my siblings a lot.  They, especially the my 3 next youngest sisters, are my best friends.  We share tons of memories and inside jokes.  We have built in support systems when we need it.  We always have someone who we can cry to and who understands the full story because we really, really, know each other.  

Our neighbor has warned me over and over again, "Have your second (and third, and forth...) child before the other one is out of diapers because it will be hard in the beginning, but then much easier later on in life."  They have two girls that are about 20 months apart.  I feel like I can understand this logic.  You wouldn't want to wait too long in-between children because you want to be able to reuse your baby stuff and of course the art of diaper changing is easily forgotten!  ;-)

So what is the decision going to be?  I guess it just isn't as straight forward and will require more time.  Who knows, maybe we wouldn't even be able to have another child.  I guess that would solve the issue for us.  Or would it?  Would I become a jealous, second-baby-craving, mommy?  Would I revisit my RE and get put on meds again?  Would I become obsessed like last time?  Would I have more miscarriages?  Would I need more D&Cs?  What if I have another boy?  Would I want a girl instead?  After having two, would that be all or would I go for a third?  I am also heading into my mid-30s and we all know what happens to every woman's fertility at the age of 35.  Ahhhh sometimes I wish I could just shut off this side of my brain and let what will be, be.

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In my last post I told you about how my spending habits have gotten out of control.  Well, I knew that I was spending too much money, but I wasn't sure exactly how bad it was.  Well, my friends, it is downright frightening.  It is also eye opening.

The other night I downloaded an app to my iPad called "Mint" (by Intuit) and in less than 24 hours, this app changed my life.  Here is how it works, if you aren't familiar... You give it access to pull data from your bank account, mortgage account, student loan account, car loan account, etc and it categorizes all of your transactions in an easy to read format so that you can tell how much money you spend and where you spend it.  You can set financial goals for saving or paying off debt.  It also creates a monthly budget for you based on your usual spending habits, which you can update as you like.

After categorizing a few transactions that the app couldn't automatically figure out, I was able to view a pie chart of my expenses from last month and my jaw just about hit the floor when I saw how much I spent on food (groceries, coffee, restaurants) last month.  Oh and the kicker is that this is just my spending and does not include my husband's because we have separate bank accounts.  He checked and spent another $400 plus on food.  What the hell???  Neither of us are overweight so who is eating all of this food we are buying?  I guess the biggest drawback to Paleo is the cost.  No matter what people might try to say to you about being able to be on a budget friendly Paleo diet, it really just isn't possible I guess.

Obviously, the "Food & Dining" is something that we can probably cut back on if we actually plan out our meals for the week and follow a budget.  The "Home" costs will be cut $200 shorter this next month because I cancelled the cleaning lady.  I dropped the data plan on my phone down from 5 GB to 2 GB because I have only once in 2 years gone over 2 GB, so there is $20 a month.  I just need to be cognizant of my internet surfing habits.  We also decided that we are going to refinance our house and consolidate our two mortgages into one and so I have gotten the ball rolling on that process.  So in the past 2 days I have saved us $220 a month, plus the potential of another $100 with the refinance (and a ton more of general savings on mortgage interest).  Fun times in our household.

So back to the "Food & Dining" expenses, which is mostly groceries... I need to find some sort of meal planning or grocery budgeting tool to help me in this space.  Coupons would not help me much because most of the stuff that we buy is fresh.  We eat hardly any processed foods, which is what the bulk of the coupons that I see are for.  Most of the health/beauty/cleaning products that we use are also organic so there really aren't deals on those things either.  I could follow grocery circulars more closely and go to multiple stores every week, but that would take time away from doing other things (like maybe having a little fun with my family every now and then).  I guess I need to do some more research in this space and come up with an action plan in my spare time (hahahahahahaha).  Until then I am just happy I now know how much I am actually spending.

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Ever since I was little, I have always been financially responsible.  I am not sure if my sisters and brothers would agree with this, but I think that I am and always have been the most secure with my finances compared to them.  Maybe it is my seriously Type A Personality or the fact that I have seen my parents and siblings make financial mistakes?  I am not really sure, but suffice it to say that I have always prided myself on my financial self-control.  Even though I have never been the type of person to have a budget, I have always managed to keep everything straight.  I have always been the financier in my house.  Neat and tidy.  The way I like it.

My financially responsible profile looks something like this:

-When I was in high school I babysat all of the time for extra money even though I HATED it.
-I went to a state school for college.
-I bought a car when I was 18.
-While in college, I worked a number of different jobs (and many of them concurrently) including: waitress, hostess, cocktail waitress, coat check, customer service (sports store, jewelry store, ski shop, major department store, family business), ski lift, college dining hall cleaner, bank teller, financial analyst assistant, seamstress, and, yes, a babysitter.
-I NEVER have asked to borrow money from my parents (they actually have asked to borrow from me on several occasions).
-I graduated from college with less than 30k student loan debt (I am now at about 10k of federal type loans, none private).
-I moved and took a job right out of college in a field that had nothing to do with my degree because it made more money and had good benefits.
-Our last car we bought brand new and drove it for 9 years.
-I have a padded saving account.
-I have always had an excellent FICO (credit) score.
-I have ZERO credit card debt.
-I got a nice raise and bonus this past year.
-I have amazing health benefits.
-I have a good start on my retirement plan.

Why do I need a financial intervention you may ask?  Well, ever since I had the baby, I have become totally slack in this area.  I have forgotten to pay several bills on time, I have over-drafted my checking account on 2 occasions, I find myself constantly transferring money from my saving to my checking, I continue to spend like I have no limit, and have contemplated getting a credit card.  This, my friends, is a recipe for disaster.  Someone please, cut up my debit card and do not let me get a credit card.  B needs to start going to daycare 3 days a week in June and we need to be able to pay the $1200 a month to send him there...aye aye aye.

My husband and I have been talking a lot lately about moving.  Our house is too small and we would love to put roots down in a place where our family can grow (if we decide that that is the plan).  We have lived in our house for almost 7 years.  We have done a TON of work to it and we love it.  It is just too small.  The main problem is that everything that we are interested is well over our budget.  By over our budget, I mean several hundred thousand over.  Anything that we can afford, you would want to tear down and rebuild.  Wood paneling in the kitchen?  Electric stove from the 1970s ?  Thigh-high weeds in the yard?  1 bathroom?  1000 square feet?  Yes, these are the types of crap holes that we can afford if I don't get my shit together.

Here are some things that I really need to start doing that I think will help to save me money:

-Cancel the bi-weekly cleaning lady who's services started going down hill (DONE).
-Plan out meals and snacks before going to the grocery store, stick to that list, and set a weekly budget.
-Look for cheaper grocery alternatives online.
-Write out all recurring monthly debits from my accounts to see how much money I am actually spending each money because I have no idea (this is scary).
-Budget for clothes, cosmetics, and extras, and stop with the impulse buying (sorry, Lulu Lemon and Athleta).
-Disable my Amazon account because it is bad news.

Having a child should have a person become more financially responsible rather than the other way around.  I really need to start making some changes...and fast.  I am wondering if any other newer mommies feel this way or if this is a situation that is unique to me.  I'd love good ideas for saving money if you have them!

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Two days ago, my husband and I were getting ready to turn in for the night when he decided that it would be a good idea to tell me how running is bad for me and will lead to my eventual death.  Ok maybe he didn't actually say that it would kill me, but he definitely alluded to the fact that I should let up on the distance type of cardiovascular activity or submit to the fact that I will die of some type of running induced heart malady (hint, hint, more CrossFit?).

How did this start?  My husband is big into listening to Paleo specific podcasts while he is in his car and it just so happened that the one that he was listening to was listing out the many reasons why cardio, distance running in particular, is bad for you.  I haven't researched the specifics of the podcast or the "studies" that were referred to, but I have since G.oogled "is running bad for you" and "chronic cardio" and I have come up with a plethora of articles preaching gospel on how endurance running is evil and HIIT (high intensity interval training) is where it is at.

Wow.  Where have I been?  Apparently I had tunnel vision and was only concerned with my reproductive health for several years so I missed the memo on how bad running is for you.  So I guess getting back to my pre-baby weight, regulating my blood sugar, and normalizing my thyroid function, and preventing PPD due to running was just a coincidence?

Rather than be angry with my husband for trying to convince me (yet again) why CrossFit is the best of the best in terms of workout regimes, I started to get depressed.  Another thing that I have done or liked to do that I need to cross off my list because someone did a study and concluded that it is bad for me.  Add it to the list of things I shouldn't do, shouldn't eat, or shouldn't use along with:

• Conventionally grown fruits & veggies
• GMO fruits & veggies, which are unfortunately not marked
• Meat of unknown origin (i.e. grocery store meat)
• Farmed fish
• Drug store cosmetics
• Anything made in China
• Fleece (lovely co-worker...)
• Perfumes
• Nail polish
• Johnson & Johnson products
• Dairy
• Soy
• Corn
• Wheat/Gluten
• Aluminum foil
• Cell phones
• Trans fats
• The elliptical machine
• Non-green furniture (lovely co-worker tells me this)
• Formula
• Canned food
• Phthalates, Sulfates, Parabens
• Tampax, Playtex, or other regular tampons
• Microwave
• High fructose corn syrup
• Tupperware
• Caramel coloring
• Yankee Candles
• Non-organic decaf coffee
• Anything with lavender
• The baby jumper or the Exersaucer (also, from the lovely co-worker)
• Sitting at work
• Purel
• Antibacterial soap
• Toothpaste with triclosan
• I could keep going but I think you catch my drift here...

It is getting really exhausting to live like this.  Just when I turn around and that that I have all my bases covered, with regards to keeping my family and me safe from the dangerous world that we live in, a new study comes out that "proves" that something else that you use every day and have used every day for your entire life is going to cause you to get cancer, Alzheimers, or some other type of incurable terminal illness.  I think one part that they leave out of all of these findings is what type of damage all of these studies can do to a person's mental health when they go crazy trying to cut all of the bad products out and stick with only what has been determined to be "safe" today.

Am I going to quit running?  No.  Am I going to give up my dream of running in the NYC Marathon this fall?  No.  Am I going to continue trying to cut out all of the potentially disease causing products out?  Ok, maybe, but within reason.  At some point I (along with others) need to realize that it is most certain that something, eventually, but hopefully many many years away will kill us.  It may be the accumulation of chemicals in your body causing cancer or it may be that you get hit by a bus.  We just don't know.  If we spend all of our free time trying to cut everything out then we are not going to be able to spend any time enjoying life, because friends, unless you know something that I don't, we only get one.

Here is my takeaway...  I am going to eat healthy when I can, but enjoy a treat once in a while (after this damn Paleo Challenge is over!).  I am going to use natural products that cause less stress to the environment, but still use my Givenchy Very Irresistible because I love the way that it smells.  I am not going to keep my son in a bubble, because eventually he is going to grow up and need to make his own choices, but I'll offer him healthy suggestions and hope that he takes some of them.  I'll exercise how I want because it makes me feel good, helps keep me sane, and I'd rather die a happy girl than a miserable one.  :)

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I can't believe that I just got back from taking my little one to his 4 month appointment today.  He weighs a whopping 17 lbs even and is 25.25 inches long.  He is in the 80th and 56th percentiles (respectively).  I have a chubby baby!

The doctor was very pleased with his growth.  This little over-achiever already has his first tooth coming through on the bottom right.  He has rolled over from front to back, three times.  He can sit in his exersaucer with a pillow under his feet.  He is doing really well.  The only not so great part about our visit today was the 4 vaccines that he had to get.  It is the saddest thing to see your baby kicking and smiling joyfully and then screaming in terror as they are stuck in the leg with the needle.  Ugh it is the worst.

Tomorrow is B's appointment at the Children's Hospital for his acid reflux.  We will finally figure out (or start down the road to finding out) if this is what he has or if it really is a MSPI (milk/soy protein intolerance).  I am hopeful that there is nothing wrong with him at all and he just spits more than the average baby.  I would love to enjoy a slice of pizza again.  :-)

I have two appointments with daycare centers coming up.  One is this coming Friday, near our house.  The other is next Wednesday near my work.  It will be quite interesting to see these places and hear about how expensive they are.

As for me, 4 months post baby and I am happy to post that my diastasis recti is back down to normal levels.  I have gone from a more than 4 finger separation to tight 2 finger separation.  My physical therapist was quite impressed with my progress and she sent me on my merry way with a packet full of exercises that I can continue to do in the coming months (and a whole set of pregnancy ones if I end up pregnant again someday).  She also cleared me for crunches and yoga.  I am sooooo excited to start yoga again!  In an upcoming post, I am going to document the exercises that I did so I can help people who are looking for advice on this topic.  I had trouble finding anything that wasn't a gimmick or that I didn't have to pay for a few months back.

I am also pleased to say that I am down to 125 lbs and I fit into a pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans this last weekend!  I was happily shocked.  The jeans were definitely big on me pre-pregnancy and they are just fitting now, but hey, I'll take it.

Last week I was able to run 5 days out of 7.  Granted they were not fast runs and they were not especially long runs, but I was able to do it and work and take care of B.  I am hoping to keep up with at least 3-4 days a week and walks on other days.  B loves going with me.  I think he is going to be my new favorite running buddy!  :-)

This past weekend was one of the most social that I have had yet.  I feel like I am finally getting back to a semblance of my old self and am getting the hang of this working mommy thing.  Friday night I left baby with Daddy and attended my sister's birthday party.  Even though I was the first one to leave the party, I was out until almost midnight.  Late night for me!  Be was great for Daddy, too.  He slept the whole time I was gone.  Saturday, my husband and I went to a BBQ with B.  Three other babies that were the same age as B were there.  It was a riot.  Sunday, I went to the local farmer's market, got coffee and took a stroller walk with my sister and B, and then met up with a few families at the beach.

It took me 4 months (and 2 years) to get here, but I am content, finally.  Life is good.  I didn't think I would ever get the chance to feel this way.  I am so very thankful.    

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