The reason that I started this blog was because of fertility (or lack of fertility) reasons and lately I have not been focusing any of my writing on this subject.  My early posts are pretty much all about pee sticks, CM, temping, charting, etc.  These days I am more concerned with preventing pregnancy that trying to get pregnant, but I have ZERO interest in ever taking hormonal birth control ever again.  I learned a lot with regards to natural fertility signs when we were trying to get pregnant, so I am going to hope that I can stick with that method of birth control until we decide with 100% certainty that there will never be another child.  I just can't close the door...and lock it...yet.

I am still breastfeeding quite a bit, even now that B has hit the 15 month mark (today) and more so the past few days since he has been sick with an ear infection.  He normally nurses before I leave for work, as soon as I get home from work, before bed, and occasionally once in the middle of the night.  I am also still pumping once a day at work and he gets a sippy with milk at that time.  This seems to have continued to suppress my fertility since I still have not gotten my first postpartum period yet.  Every couple of weeks I seem to have a patch of EWCM (but negative OPK) followed by some cramping a few weeks after that and the feeling that I am going to get my period, but not getting it (and having negative HPT).

This past week has seen the return of my normal pre-baby CM levels, which for me is a lot.  A couple of days of watery followed by a TON of EWCM.  Yesterday I was curious as to whether or not I might actually be ovulating, so I took a Wondfo and a Clearblue Digi test and this is what I got...

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Why, you might ask?  The beginning of my cycle is filled with cramps, blood, and crankiness.  I am always angry that I have yet another failed cycle on my hands and I have another long cycle ahead of me filled with supplements, drugs, blood draws, and pee sticks.  Normally I pick a fight with my husband during this time and then cry.  Come on, it's the crashing hormones.  Very predictable, I am. 

The few weeks before ovulation always seem to take forever.  It is a constant guessing game trying to figure out if the line is dark enough on the opk and if the smiley is real or a fake-out.  Oh and also with the Mucinex I have to drink lots of water, but then deprive myself of water for 4 hours so I can test.  It is enough to drive even the sanest of individuals completely mad.  Are we having enough sex?  Is every other day good or is every day better?  What about 2 times a day?  What if I he is tired?  Plans for this time of the month?  Nope.  My husband and I have a date with our bed and some Pre.Seed. Then once the opk is positive I stress out about my temps.  Are they headed north as they should be?  Will I get cross-hairs or will I be the unlucky recipient of an anovulatory cycle?  Did we have sex enough and at the right times?

The last part of the cycle is probably the worst part.  (Over)analyzing every symptom.  Imagining even more symptoms.  Always feeling implantation even though it was probably just gas.  Feeling bloated and crampy and disgusting with no energy to boot.  Is my chart triphasic?  Was that an implantation dip?  How does my chart compare to preggo charts?  Stocking up on FRERs and trying to decide when to test or if a blood test will be necessary.  Looking at pictures of positive pregnancy tests just to see 2 pink lines.  Seeing a stark white line on the test, but having "experts" tweak it because there maybe, just maybe is a hint of a line.  Oh wait, nope that is just an evap line.  WTF.  Then having AF show up and starting the whole cycle again.  How exhausting it is just writing this.

This is why my favorite time of my cycle is 3dpo.  It is on this day that FF gives me cross-hairs so that I can be proud that my body did something right and ovulated like it was supposed to.  I have the possibility that this cycle just might work out.  The possibility that maybe, by the graces of God, one of his best swimmers met up with my healthy, mature egg and cells started to divide properly and then decided to implant.  The possibility that this might be our son or daughter in he or she's earliest form.  The possibility that we might be able to (finally) start our little family that we have been praying for.  I am always filled with so much hope for the future.  That maybe I might not have to continue with this cycle after cycle routine for a while.  How nice would that be?   One can dream, right?  :-)

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I'm baaaack!  I have a lot of catching up to do as I have missed several days of reading my favorite blogs.  That combined with work that I missed last Friday and my training at work this whole week is going to make me quite busy this week. 

The trip was AWESOME.  Just what we needed.  Usually vacations seem to go so fast, but this one actually seemed way longer than just 2 1/2 days.  We spent most of our time just relaxing on the beach and swimming in the warm water.  We walked around quite a bit, too.  The weather was fantastic on both Friday and Saturday. 

While we were these I barely thought about TTC or babies.  I feel like when I am away from my day-to-day life here, I always feel better about things.  I found myself at one point while we were out to dinner actually being ok with where I am.  We were sitting on a deck overlooking the Inter-Coastal Waterway, a light breeze blowing, steel drums playing in the background, and munching on crab legs and conch fritters, just me and my hubby.  Honestly, at that point in time, there was no where else I would have rather been.

While we were away I think that I ovulated.  I am going to say that it was either Saturday or Sunday.  My husband thinks it was Saturday.  This would put me at day cd 17 or 18, which is later than last month.  I am not sure why most people ovulate on day 14 with Femara/Clomid, but I still seem to ovulate later...kind of annoying.  I think we have our bases mostly covered, too.  We skipped having sex on Thursday because we worked all day, then had to take the dog to "pup-pup sleep away camp", and then had to rush to the airport.  I am hoping and praying that this is our month.  We are soooooo ready to be parents!!

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I try not to let it get the best of me.  I never used to have a fear of flying.  I used to love it and find it relaxing.  I am not sure exactly when the real fear started.  I think it may have been on a flight back from Hawaii in 2005 when my red-eye from LA experienced an air pocket that made the plane drop like crazy and then bounce around like popcorn for over an hour for no apparent reason.  This woke me up from a dead sleep.  Not a fun experience and ever since then I have been a white knuckle flyer.

I haven't let my fear stop me from flying on a semi-regular basis, but I do let it cause me anxiety.  My heart races, my palms sweat, my stomach hurts, and my breathing gets shallow.  Someone once told me that this fear is all related to a deep-seeded control issue that I have.  At first I totally dismissed the comment as untrue, but then I thought about it and realized that I do have incredible control issues.  Obviously when the plane is in the air, I have no control over what happens.  I like having control over things...my hair, my makeup, what I wear, what I listen to, what I eat, how much I weigh, what I do at work, etc.  Going through this RPL/infertility journey has shown me even more how much I like to control everything and it has also shown me that that is not possible.  I have no real control over when I get pregnant.  Yes, I can try to do things to help increase my chances, but I can't make it happen when I want.  I need to accept that.  I need to loosen my control grip.  It's times like this that I wish I had more faith.  I wish I was more religious so that I could give up control to God.  Sometimes I really envy people who are very religious.  Sigh.

I am using my newly learned breathing exercises and meditation to try to calm myself before we hit the friendly skies this evening and hoping I can avoid the serious anxiety and just think about enjoying this trip!  The timing of this trip could be great, too.  I have yet to get a positive opk (cd 15).  I am still having watery CM so I am hoping O is right around the corner.  We have 3 days of vacation to try to make a baby.  Hopefully the opk fairy will wave her magic wand and make my digi stick smile soon.  I just need to relax and imagine that egg being released...positive thoughts.

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***TMI WARNING - THIS POST DEALS WITH SEX***

Fair warning people.  Read no further if talking about sex and org.asms (for the purpose of baby making, of course) makes you uncomfortable or offended!!  I am being totally honest and open here so here goes...

When I was on birth control I had ZERO sex drive (cue the KY).  Ok, there were a few days out of the month (usually right after my period ended) that I would maybe get the desire to have sex, but that wasn't a sure thing.  This frustrated both my husband and I, but we'd make it work.  I could have an org.asm once in a while, but if there was any amount of stress in my life at the time it would be extremely difficult.

Once I went off of birth control I felt like a new woman.  I actually had a sex drive again and something I never even knew existed in that of CM.  AMAZING!  I got my org.asm back with much less of a production and we got pregnant on the first real try after going off the pill.  Even the second and third times we got pregnant were seemingly easy even though my cycles were really long.  This has led me to believe that there may be some truth to the belief that org.asms may help one get pregnant.  Every time that I have gotten pregnant so far has happened with several org.asms during my fertile period.

The last two cycles that I have been on Femara have been good for the fact that they have pushed up my ovulation to a somewhat normal time frame.  The bad news is that I now have had much less of a sex drive on Femara and much less CM than I am used to, most likely due to the decreased estrogen.  Decreased sex drive + little CM = no org.asms = no baby (??).  I have read articles proving and disproving the theory that female org.asms (depending on when they are had) can increase one's chances of conceiving.  I have read in many places that female org.asm up to 1 minute before or 45 minutes after insemination causes increased sperm retention and thus a higher chance of conception (See article: Is Female Org.asm Important to Getting Pregnant?).

Obviously female org.asm doesn't have to occur for a woman to get pregnant.  My group therapy leader was discussing that while she believes that it is helpful because it also means that your body is generally more relaxed and open to conception, she knows that there are circumstances where people become pregnant against their own will (i.e. rape victims).  Also, women get pregnant from IUI so it can't totally make or break a chance at conception.
This cycle has been slightly different than my last two Femara cycles, which never contained any org.asms.  For the last two cycles I have been so stressed out just thinking "This has to work".  This cycle I started taking Mucinex on cd 10 and it is definitely starting to help now.  I noticed a ton of watery CM yesterday (didn't even need to check my cervix to notice that!).  I usually have several days of watery CM before a day or two of EWCM and a positive opk. 

Last night I was determined to "make things work"!  I used the breathing exercises that I learned in my group therapy to calm myself down before we DTD.  I also (secretly) used a little Pre-Seed ahead of time, which, if you haven't tried it, is an amazing invention.  Long story short, all my little tricks paid off last night and I finally got my org.asm back, again.  I think we fell right into the time frame above and things happened pretty simultaneously, too.  I am hoping that this is a good sign that maybe this cycle will work. 

I am curious to any readers who made it this far into the article... What are you thoughts on female org.asm and conception?  If you are pregnant or have gotten pregnant do you remember if you were able to hit the big O around the time that you conceived?  Do you find it harder to org.asm during your fertile time because you are stressing out about getting pregnant?

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Yesterday I woke up in a terrible mood and all because of one stupid thing, my temperature.  It is amazing how I can let something like a temperature ruin almost an entire day.  I would love to say that this is the first time that this has happened to me, but that wouldn't be true.  There have been many times in the past 6 months where my temperature has caused me so much stress, anger, and confusion.  What has my life come to?!

Explaining how I feel to anyone who isn't temping or hasn't temped wouldn't make any sense.  So many people I know tell me to stop doing it and to stop trying.  I am not going to even get into the whole "stop trying and it will happen" thing or the "I know someone who adopted and then got pregnant".  Temping is one of the only things that I feel, in my situation, helps me feel like I have some perceived level of control.  The past year of my life has been so outside of my control, so it feel like being able to at least track what my body is doing helps give me some comfort.  I know I really have no control over what my body does (that is obvious to me at this point!), but I know when/if I have ovulated and when I am going to get my period.

We put the cats in the basement last night so I had a much better night's sleep.  I slept until just a little while before my alarm went off at 4:30 AM.  I took my temp and then went right back to sleep.  I am a big fan of the recall button.  I am working from home today so I got to go back to sleep for another 2 hours.  When I woke up I was filled with so much anxiety about what my temp would be.  Turns out it was much higher.  Now I am thinking that I may have ovulated yesterday and my temp from Wednesday was a fluke because of my quick illness.  I have not yet thrown out a temperature, but I am thinking of doing that with Wednesday's.  Advice would be appreciated!

Today is a better day.  I have a little more hope for this cycle even though I have a feeling that this isn't going to be it.  It is Friday, we are going out with friends tonight, it is going to be a nice and warm weekend.  Now I just need to remember to breathe.  I shouldn't let me days be defined by a wacky temperature.  There is so much more to life than that.

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I was pretty sure that I ovulated on Tuesday.  I had the positive opks and a decent amount of CM.  My temps were up on Wednesday so I thought that was a good sign.  Then I took my temperature this morning...

Last night I didn't sleep that great.  It was really hot and even with the central a/c our upstairs never gets as cool as the downstairs.  We had to keep our bedroom door open all night so that we could get better air circulation in there.  Good news for my cats.  They were so excited that our door was open that they both decided that it would be great to sleep with us last night.  One of my cats is rather large (she is like 16 lbs).  Her favorite thing to do it lay on my legs which is not so great ever, but especially not so great when it is so hot.  I woke up about 3 times last night to kick her out.  The last time was about an hour before I was supposed to get up.  Not a great night's rest.

When my alarm went off, like usual, I grabbed my thermometer and stuck it under the left side of my tongue.  The stupid thing beeped in only 2 minutes (it usually takes 3-4), so I knew that was a bad sign.  Lo and behold my temp dipped to 97 freaking degrees.  WTF.  Guess I didn't ovulate.   I got out of bed, so angry.  I rushed through my hair/make-up routine and then went to wake up my husband.  Not sure why I thought it was a good idea to wake him up with the words, "I think this is really bad news".  Basically our 7 days in a row of "baby-making" may have been wasted.  Uggggghhh.

Let me rewind to last night...day 7 in a row of having sex.  Both of us were so tired.  Me from being sick and then having to function like normal and him from working hard at work all day and then working out.  It was also so hot.  I thought it was "insurance" day, so for good measure we got the job done.  I don't think it was very pleasurable for either of us.  He was super hot and I was really uncomfortable.  Not a good combination.  I think we were both relieved that we had accomplished what we wanted to accomplish. 

Back to this morning.  As soon as I got to work I called my doctor and left a frantic message.  Then I called my friend and she let me bitch to her about my body being so messed up (if you are reading this B, thank you).  As soon as I got off the phone with my friend, the nurse from my RE's office called. 

Paraphrased for brevity's sake
Nurse: I just listened to your message.  So you got a positive ovulation test on Tuesday but don't think you ovulated?
Me: Yes.  I got a positive ovulation test and I know that you don't believe in temping, but my temperature is really low today and it always goes up after I ovulate.  Since I was really sick on Tuesday, I think that may have caused me to not ovulate.  Should I come in for a blood test?
Nurse: If you got a positive ovulation test then you ovulated or are ovulating now.  Your temperatures are not going to be reliable if you were so sick because chances are you are still slightly dehydrated.  That might cause your temperature to be low.
Me: So it isn't possible that I got the positive ovulation test/LH surge and didn't actually ovulate?
Nurse: No, it isn't possible.
Me: Can I come in for a blood test to confirm? 
Nurse:  (Goes into a spiel about coming in every day for LH tests and says it is too late for this cycle)  You can come in on cd 21 for a progesterone test and we can confirm ovulation then.  When is your cd 21?
Me: Next Tuesday.
Nurse: Ok then, come in then and we will test you and then you will know for sure.
Me: Should I continue the opks to be sure I haven't ovulated yet?
Nurse: No.  You already got a positive test so you already ovulated or are ovulating now.
Me: What if my blood work on Tuesday shows that I haven't ovulated?
Nurse: (In a tone of complete contempt and annoyance of my apparent lack of ovulatory knowledge)  Well we will talk to Dr. X to see if we need to evaluate/change your treatment.

Fabulous.  Now I feel sooooo much better.  NOT.  I am so incredibly angry and annoyed this morning.  I totally feel like just leaving work and going home to go to sleep.  Oh and I forgot to mention, my husband uttered the words, "I don't think it is ever going to happen" right before I left for work.  Awesome, that's the spirit.  I can be pissed, but he shouldn't be pissed with me.  This day can go to hell.  :(

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Thank you, Femara!  Fertility Friend officially gave me cross-hairs this morning.  I was worried that my disturbed sleep right around O (due to the nightly wildlife activity in my backyard) might have made things difficult to calculate, but I don't even have a dotted line!  FF thinks that I ovulated on cd 17, which is the same day that I had a positive opk.  Normally, I get a positive opk and then O 1-3 days later, so this is also a change from the usual. 

I am actually feeling very good about this cycle.  Not that I will get pregnant, but that my body actually behaved.  I am on track to have a 30-32 day cycle, which is in the realm of normal.  To me, that is amazing!  I am so happy that next month we can "go for it again".  I have a good feeling about the future and I have not felt that since before my first miscarriage. 

FF actually gave me a "good" chance of pregnancy this month with my 1 day slip-up(s).  Knowing that, I have decided that I am not going to do anything differently then I am already doing.  I am not going to take progesterone.  I am not going to stop exercising.  I am going to make a conscious decision NOT to get anxious.  I know that my last loss was a chromosomal abnormality and I am fairly confident that my first loss was the same.  The chemical...I am not sure.  I don't think that me doing anything differently is going to help or hinder me. 

So now I am back to the waiting game and the TWW.  So far no symptoms of any kind, but I am only 3 dpo, so I wouldn't really expect any yet.  FF says my test date is June 3.  Since that is a Sunday, I am going to get blood drawn on June 4.  I can't say that I won't POAS before then, but officially I will know what my deal is then.  I already have another 5 pills of Femara waiting in the wings.  It would be nice to not need them, but if my cycles are going to be around 30 days, I am totally fine with it.  Hoping the next 10 days by go fast!

I will leave you with a song from my favorite music group of all time, Keane.  Their most recent album is amazingly incredible.  I would suggest that you check it out if you have not already.  Oh and buy the deluxe edition.  Most of the songs are so relevant to my life right now, which is probably why I love it so much. 

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Ok not that much earlier, only one day, but I think that is a good sign especially since this was a D&C cycle.  I have been taking extra B6 along with my prenatal and acidophilus.  I have also been drinking red raspberry leaf tea 2 times a day up until ovulation.  AF should show up around next Friday or Saturday and then it is on to my first Femara cycle! 

This afternoon is my second acupuncture appointment, which I am looking forward to now that I know how to find the place.  I am also supposed to have yoga tonight, but I am not sure that I am going to be able to make it home in time.  I have missed 2 yoga classes in a row...oops. :-(

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