I can't even believe that it has been a little over one year since I found out that I was pregnant with my baby B.  After so many months of testing and going through the pain of losing pregnancy after pregnancy, I finally got another positive pregnancy test and another hope of a take home baby.

Of course, the road through the pregnancy was long and uncertain.  I was never sure if my doctor's visit would yield a positive or negative outcome.  I developed serious anxiety around going to the doctor to the point where my blood pressure was borderline high.  Ultrasounds were the absolute worst.  Silence from the technician was my cue for tears. I was petrified to "graduate" from the RE to an OB because it might jinx my situation.  Each test was more reason for headaches, sweaty palms, and stomach aches.  The Doppler became my best friend and my worst enemy.  Food aversions and nausea also plagued the first half of my pregnancy.  Thyroid issues, shingles, diabetes, PUPPPs...made the second half of my pregnancy even less enjoyable.  Even in the last few weeks of my pregnancy I still worried that I might not get to see my baby.  Fears of still birth raided my dreams at night.

From the second that I saw my baby's face, I knew that everything that I went through was worth it.  All of the memories of struggle and heartache in the beginning and all of the trials and tribulations of pregnancy and childbirth were pushed to the back of my mind.  If you asked me a year ago at this time where I would be today, I would never have guessed that I would be a mommy to an almost 4 month old.  I was convinced that I would never be able to carry a baby to term, but also more determined than ever to prove myself wrong.

Some people have been following my blog for a while now and others have stumbled upon it recently while searching for info regarding long cycles and late ovulation.  Still others seem to land here via a random Google search about miscarriages, looking for hope that their situation might have been experienced by someone else out in the universe who has ultimately been able to have a healthy baby.  My message to anyone looking for advice, guidance, or support would be this: never give up!  The journey my not always be easy.  There may be many bumps in the road.  There may be unexpected twists and turns.  There may be sadness and heartache, too.  Your journey may be easier or harder than mine.  Everyone's is different.  I think that it was all worth everything that I went through, for me anyways.

I wish anyone who reads this blog and is going through the same crap that I went through, the best of luck.  As always, I love hearing from people and though I might not always be the fastest to respond these days, I will write back to you!  Any support that I can give you, I will!

XOXO

One year ago today, my husband and I walked into the OB with the hopes of our first conceived baby being alive and left in tears after learning there was no heartbeat.  Yes, we had a scan earlier in the week that provided us with the gloom and doom of a heartbeat in the 60s and the baby measuring almost 2 weeks behind, but we held out some hope that there was a mistake.  Unfortunately, there was no mistake.  I couldn't watch as the ultrasound tech took measurements of our dead baby.  I had my first D&C, two days later.

One year ago today, our lives were forever changed.  All of the excitement and innocence of pregnancy was taken away from us, never to return.  "Bad luck," all of the doctors and nurses declared.  "It happens to one out of 4 pregnancies," was the canned response.  "At least you know you can get pregnant easily," they said to try to make me feel better.  It just felt like a bad dream to me.  Like I was not in my own body anymore and was looking at someone else.  This couldn't happen to me.  I was healthy and active.  I did everything right.  I took my vitamins, I didn't eat lunch meat or unpasteurized cheese, I cut back on my running.  I never bled or cramped.  Why did this happen to me??

One year ago today, my husband and I came back to our house, sobbing.  Our dog knew something was wrong and laid down, sadly, at our feet.  My husband and I held each other and tried to convince ourselves that this was a once in a lifetime event.  Something that we would never have to experience again.  We vowed to start trying again as soon as the doctor's said it was ok.  Little did we know that this was only the start of our year from hell.

One year ago today, the seasons were starting to transition from the heat and humidity of summer to the crisp coolness of fall.  I was completely oblivious to the change of seasons.  Last year, I totally missed fall.  By the time I came out of my miscarriage fog, there were no more leaves on the trees and a winter jacket was necessary.

One year ago today, seems like yesterday, but also seems so very far away.  We have been through so much in a year and have come so very far.  We are both totally different people today, than we were just one year ago.

Today is complicated.  I am sad about losing my first baby.  I am still so worried that I might miscarry this baby.  I wonder constantly what happened with those first two miscarriages and why I had a chromosomal issue with the last one.  I am angry that this happened to me while others have kid after kid with no issue.  I am confused as to why someone with my healthy lifestyle would have a miscarriage at all.  I am cautiously hopeful for the future.  I am trying put the past behind me and not let it taint this pregnancy, but it is so difficult.  My anxiety and fears of another miscarriage haunt me while I am awake and while I am asleep.  I am trying to move forward even though it feels like I am still stuck in the mud.

Today is also my 100th post on this blog.  It is kind of odd that it falls on this day.  I never thought that I would still be blogging in mid-September when I started this back in April, fresh off of my 3rd miscarriage.  I really never thought that I would find such amazing and supportive people through blogging.  I have said it before, but I will say it again.  All of you lovely ladies (you know who you are) have picked me up and carried me when I needed it.  Your comments and emails mean the world to me.  You are all so wonderful and I am so lucky to have met you all.  I wish so badly that none of us had to go through this and I pray every night that we can all come out of this on the other side.

I figured that before I jumped right into to posting that I should mention why I am starting this blog.  I am 30 years old and of a healthy weight.  I exercise regularly including running, plyometrics, and other cross training.  I walk whenever possible.  I have recently taken up yoga.  I eat very healthy...mostly organic fruits and veggies with little sugar or fried foods. I have recently stopped drinking completely, but previously only had a few weeks per drink (if that).  I stopped drinking caffeinated coffee almost a year ago and stopped drinking any coffee 3 weeks ago.  I have never smoked or taken drungs in my life.  I take vitamins everyday, including a probiotic and most recently fish oil.  I am very careful to use more natural health, beauty, and cleaning products.  I always wear sunscreen. 

Where is this leading you may ask?  Well, in the past 7 months I have had 3 miscarriages.  Apparently all of my healthy due dilligence has not paid off.  Here is a little background on each one of my miscarriages:

1.  I went off BCP last May after having been on it for 10 years straight.  I originally went on it because AF had gotten very sporadic.  I hated not knowing when she was going to show up so the GYN put me on Alesse (Aviane) as an easy fix.  I loved getting AF every 4th Tuesday morning of the month.  When I went off BCP my cycles came back at regular, but long intervals.  I was now at 35 days from start to finish.  Back to the first M/C...We waited 2 months and then we started not trying, not preventing (NTNP) in July.  I plugged my cycle length into some silly app on my husband's iPod Touch and it came up with my "fertile" days.  We used that as a guideline, but did not expect to become PG the first try.  Well, to our happy surprise, I became PG on the first try.  I was feeling very fertile and blessed.  We decided not to tell anyone until the 12th week because I have friends who had gone through M/Cs and we did not want to jinx anything.  I remember calling my OB/GYN to tell them that I was PG and they scheduled me for an intake appointment 2 weeks out and the first ultrasound around 10 weeks.  The ultrasound seemed so far away, but I figured the time would go pretty fast.  I bought all sorts of PG related books and a journal, which I started writing in daily.  I started taking a prenatal vitamin and DHA.  I (obviously) didn't drink.  I gave up sushi, lunch meat, hotdogs and raw cheeses.  I had mild morning sickness all the time and could not eat veggies without wanting to puke.  Carbs were my go-to food choice.  I figured everything must be going great although I had this odd feeling way deep down that something wasn't right.  Fast forward to my first ultrasound.  The doctor first tried to hear the heartbeat on the fetal doppler.  He didn't have any luck but assured me that since it was so early that this was normal.  Onto the ultrasound, I laid there on the table while the ultrasound tech tried to find our little one.  She kept asking me to hold my breath while she slid the wand over my stomach.  She was very quite and once she was finished she told us to go wait in the waiting room and the doctor would be with us shortly.  We had no idea the doctor was about to tell us that our little one had a slow heartbeat of 68 and was only measuring 8.5 weeks.  They told me to wait a week and then come back for a follow-up, but they told me the outcome was 100% M/C.  I promptly switched OB/GYNs because I figured that there must be some type of mistake.  I had no M/C symptoms.  Sure enough a week later I sat in my new OB/GYNs ultrasound facility and had the tech tell me there was no heartbeat.  I had a D&C a few days later since my body showed no signs of M/C naturally.  My husband and I were heartbroken, but vowed that we would try again.

2.  Following my first D&C it took me 46 days to get AF.  It seemed like an eternity.  My doctor advised me to wait 3 cycles before trying again.  I joined a online support group for women who lost babies within the same month as my EDD.  After doing lots of research on the internet my husband and I decided to go for it in that next cycle.  This time I didn't even use the iPod Touch to help with conception dates, we just decided to go for it.  Low and behold a few weeks later I had another BFP on my hands.  I was kind of shocked at how easily we got PG again.  I called my OB/GYN and they scheduled me for some beta HCG bloodwork the next day.  My first draw was low at only around 52.  I also had some pretty bad cramping, which I did not have with my first PG.  Two days later my HCG was only around 100.  The nurse at the OB/GYN told me that I should probably expect to miscarry, but that I should come back for bloodwork in a few days.  A few days later I woke up and felt off.  I decided to stay home from work.  A few hours later I started bleeding heavily.  I went in for bloodwork the next day and my levels were already at 12.  A week later I was back to 0.  At my follow-up appointment 2 weeks after my negative blood draw the doctor told me that there was no need to wait to TTC after this miscarriage since it was so early.  He called it "chemical" and told me that it was very common and that most (normal) people would not have even known that they were PG.  He told me that we were just having a string of bad luck.  My husband and I were excited that we did not have to wait again, but nervous just the same.

3.  Third time is a charm?  Ummm not so much.  After my second consecutive M/C I decided to see a RE to get some testing done to see if I had some type of underlying health condition that was causing these.  I had a RLP (repeated loss panel) and a hysteroscopy, which all came back normal.  Again, I was told that we were probably just having bad luck and to try again.  I mentioned my long cycles to the RE (the cycles were now around 38-41 days in length) and she said that just meant that we had less chances per year to become PG.  After the "chemical" my husband and I waited a month and then started TTC again.  This time I was charting my cycles, taking OPKs twice daily, checking CM, taking progesterone, and just generally being psycho about my cycles.  Several weeks later...another BFP.  I took the positive test at 13dpo after testing negative at 11dpo.  I called the RE and was asked to come in for beta HCG.  My first draw came back at 99, which the nurse told me probably wasn't a good sign since it was so low.  Two days later it was over 200.  Then my next draw several days later had doubled accordingly so they et me up to come in for my first ultrasound at around 6 weeks.  I was an anxious, nervous wreck.  My first ultrasound was ok, but only a sac and yolk were seen.  They put me at about 5.5 weeks.  I was to come back in a week.  A week later there was a heartbeat, but it was beating at a slow 80.  They gave me a 50/50 chance and told me to come back in a week.  A week later...no heartbeat and baby measuring only 6 weeks.  My husband and I were devastated.  I don't think I have ever been so angry and upset in my entire life.  I opted for another D&C several days later so that the tissue could be studied to figure out the cause of death.

So now here I am waiting for my first AF and waiting for the results of the fetal tissue.   Back to charting, OPKs, and checking CM.  This time around I am having acupuncture and and taking yoga.  I am also starting on Femara once I get AF.

I have just started to scratch the surface of my life the past 10 months.  I am hoping to keep up with this blog and will hopefully help someone out who is going through a similar issue.