Is it really possible??  I am 37 weeks, 3 days today.  It doesn't seem possible.  I had my regular weekly appointment this morning which consisted of a BPP and a growth check due to the gestational diabetes and thyroid issue.  My appointment was at 8 AM for the ultrasound and unfortunately my husband couldn't go so I had to drive myself there (since I am no longer working from the office).

I was early so they got me in for my scan a little earlier.  The baby was very busy as he usually is at that time of the morning.  He usually sleeps most of the night and then is up a lot in the morning.  He was practicing his breathing and karate chops.

He passed his BPP with an 8/8 and his growth checked out to 53%!  Almost right smack in the middle where he should be.  I am not sure how this happened, but I am really happy that he is measuring back to normal.  He still has "hi normal" fluid, but I asked the radiologist when she came in to do her double check and she said it was not a worrisome number at all.

Next I had my appointment with the doctor.  My BP was 110/77.  I was happy about that!  I am up 31 lbs.  Yikes.  I don't feel like I am gaining weight though.  My rings still fit (even though when I mentioned that I was still wearing them to the doctor he told me that have a ring cutter which they use frequently and suggested I start wearing them around my neck just in case) and I am not swelling.

The doctor was very happy with my blood sugar readings and with the BPP/growth scan.  His guess is that the baby will be in the 7 lb range when he is born.  Yay!  I was 7 lb 9 oz when I was born and I was my mom's first.  He asked me if I was familiar with the hospital check in and I told him that I had done a virtual tour.  He said that was good enough.  I was sort of hoping for an internal exam to see if I was dilated at all, but he didn't think it was necessary since I am not having regular contractions (or really any contractions for that matter, except in the middle of the night).  I go back in a week for another BPP.

I am getting so excited to meet this little guy.  The other night I was laying in bed before falling asleep and I started to get really worked up and excited, thinking about him.  I want him to come when he is ready, but I am so anxious to meet him as soon as possible.  Physically I feel ready.  I am tired, moody, and uncomfortable.  I am still nesting, but don't have a ton of energy to keep up with the cleaning.  My furbabies like to keep my house full of "furbunnies" (or tumble-weeds).  I can't keep up anymore!  I usually vacuum at least 1-2 times a week (if not more), but I find that I can't even do that anymore.  Walking just a mile is painful!  I know what I am doing after work today...

Yesterday I had my 36 week appointment (36 weeks, 3 days).  From here on out I have weekly biophysical profiles instead of NSTs and bi-weekly growth ultrasounds due to the GD.  I like having them on Monday mornings because it gives me something to look forward to regarding the beginning of the week!

The BPP this week was done by a guy.  I don't think that I have had a guy do an ultrasound for me since during my miscarriage days.  I was sort of disappointed because my experience with the guy wasn't great, but also the circumstances were not great that time either so that probably jaded me.  This guy was really friendly right off the bat.  He asked me the usual questions and after my usual pre-ultrasound bathroom break, he went to work, checking out baby boy.

He passed the BPP with flying colors.  He was practicing breathing and we caught him yawning several times.  He was sucking his thumb most of the time.  Head is still down.  The only thing that was slightly concerning was the measured amniotic fluid level is now on the high side of normal up from the low side of normal.

Without me asking, the tech flipped to 3D and was determined to get a good shot of this little guy's face.  After a little coaxing the baby's hand out of the way, he was able to get a great shot (scroll to the bottom).  My baby looks like a real baby and not a ghost!

I met briefly with the doctor who was happy with the BPP results.  We briefly talked about the amniotic fluid and he said that he was not concerned since it was still in the normal range and it is a subjective measurement that differs from tech to tech.  He said that if they saw an abnormal amount that they would have mentioned it on the report for sure (they are a high risk u/s and see thousands of high risk patients a month).  We talked about my blood sugar readings which have been getting better.  My fastings have been in the 70s/80s for the past week.  He said that this could signal that the placenta is producing less hormones and that labor/delivery might not be that far away.  He said to keep monitoring it and they will check next week.  Based on my blood sugar readings he guessed that I might not make my due date.  I told him I would not be upset about that.  :)

My next appointment is next Monday...37 weeks, 3 days.  I'll be full term!!  It is amazing what can happen in a year.  Last year at this time I was one day away from finding out the baby that I was carrying was not viable.  The heartbeat was only 80 and was small for gestational age.  That time was one of the darkest in my life and I have never been so depressed.  I never thought that a year from that point, I would be carrying this little guy and be almost ready to meet him.  I am so incredibly blessed to be where I am right now.  As hard as it was to get here and how this pregnancy has not been the easiest at times, I know that I am so incredibly lucky.  I honestly thought that I would never be able to carry a baby past 10 weeks.  I thought I was defective.  I don't know what happened and I am not sure that I will ever know.  I do know that I have a beautiful baby boy on the way and I am so thrilled to hold him, kiss him, and be his mommy.

Yesterday's visit to the doctor was not what I expected.  I thought that I was getting another growth ultrasound, when in fact I was not.  I just had a regular ultrasound where they checked the welfare of the baby (including the heartbeat and the fluid level).  The baby checked out great.  We got to take another look at his cute (but large) head.  He had his hands up in his face which he likes to do when they try to disturb him with the ultrasound wand.  I am wondering if he is a thumb-sucker.  I was!

I asked the radiologist if she could check on my cervix while she had the wand out.  I explained to her my cramping ordeals.  She said she would try, but that at this stage in the game, it is hard to get a good look at the cervix, not to mention super uncomfortable.  She tried, but with no real luck.  She mentioned that the doctor would do an internal check which would give me a better idea of what I was working with.  Oh joy, my first internal!

On the way to the doctor appointment, I was having more cramping.  As my husband drove over the many craters and bumps on the way from my work to the hospital, all I could think about was how uncomfortable it was now with mild cramping and how incredibly miserable it would be while in full out labor.  Something to look forward to in the coming weeks.

The doctor appointment went well.  I gained 1 lb in a week (gulp).  Hopefully it was me gaining the weight and not the baby (maybe the cookies I made and have been enjoying every night :).  My blood pressure was good.  The doctor came in and we first discussed how the insulin was going and how my numbers were looking.  He was quite impressed with my 1 hour post-meal readings. Looking at most of them, would suggest that I am not even borderline GD.  This is due to the strict diet, though.  My fastings on the other hand are a whole different beast.  Still very difficult to control, even with the insulin.  Yesterday's reading was 93.

We discussed the times that I was sleeping and I explained to him my wacky schedule.  When I go into the office, I go to sleep around 9:30 PM and get up at 4:30 AM.  When I work from home, I go to sleep at 10:30 PM and get up at 6:30 AM.  On the weekends, I go to sleep around 11 PM and get up at 7 AM.  He asked if there was any way that I could go to sleep around 10 PM every night, taking the insulin at that time, and get up at 6 AM.  I told him, yeah sure if you write me a note so that I can work from home for the remainder of my pregnancy!  He said he would do that, but he first wanted to try me taking the insulin earlier, at like 8-8:30 PM if I am getting up at 4:30 AM.  I agreed to try this first.  I was hoping for the early WFH pass.  If I am still having trouble with things then I may take him up on the offer.  Today my reading was 88, with taking the insulin at 8 PM.

Next we talked about the cramping and contractions.  He asked some of the same questions the nurse asked and said he thought it sounded normal, but that he wanted to do an internal check to be sure and put my mind at ease.  I was expecting a ton of pain with this, but it didn't hurt more than a pap smear.  Turns out I am not dilated, AT ALL.  My cervix is tightly closed and still very long.  His head is way down low, though, which may be adding to my discomfort.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  I figured I would maybe be a centimeter (knowing that you can be a centimeter for weeks), so now I am back to thinking induction again.  Crap.  I am actually surprised that after 2 D&Cs and being forcefully dilated both times, that things are still so...umm... tight in there.  I guess my surgeons both knew what they were doing.

Knowing the state of the baby, my blood sugar, and my cervix, I don't have another appointment until 3/11.  I will be getting yet another ultrasound at this appointment and I assume that they will check the growth this time.  I think I am going to dial back my work-out routine until he is born.  I am not sure what keeping the 5 miles of walking a day is a good thing at this point.  I am going to cut it down to 3ish and see what happens.  I still need to get moving or I feel anxious!

...that the ultrasound today is going to tell us that we are having a boy.  I have been feeling boy since the very beginning.  With my last pregnancy, I was sure it was a girl, but I never got any confirmation from the test results of the D&C.  This time, I feel boy.

Now I have to try to "work" all day today before the appointment at 2:45 PM.  I am not really thinking about anything else other than that.  I am praying that this baby has all of the normal parts and measures normally.  I will be happy with a baby of either sex.  I am just praying for healthy!!

This past weekend we started getting rid of furniture (thank you for taking so much of it sis!!) and started organizing.  I went to the C.ontainer S.tore (had never been until this past weekend) and bought a new smaller desk, chair, and several desk organizers. We are moving the office into the spare bedroom to make room for a nursery.  Wow, can't believe I just said that.  Don't worry.  I am not painting or anything yet.  I have not bought one baby related item although I must say that I have been tempted.  Baby steps (no pun intended!).

 

Thanks to everyone who offered me advice in one of my previous posts regarding my choice of staying a the hospital and sticking with the maternal fetal medicine practice or going back to my regular OB.  I was worried that I might make the wrong choice, but after my conversations with both offices yesterday, I am pretty confident that I have made the right decision for me right now.

I called the MFM practice last Friday at lunch and left them a message with all of my information.  Their answering message said that someone would call you back within 24 hours.  I assumed those were business hours, so I waited until Monday at lunch to give them another call back and leave another message.  By the time that I was ready to leave for my acupuncture appointment yesterday, I had not heard back from MFM.  I did, however, receive a reminder phone all from my OB about my annual exam that I forgot was scheduled for Wednesday.

On my walk to acupuncture, I called the OB and told them about my situation.  Since I was so frustrated with not being able to get in touch with MFM, I asked if I could convert my annual appointment to an OB intake appointment.  Unfortunately, they would not let me do that.  The scheduler let me speak to a nurse to figure out what I should do next.  The nurse was nice, but not very helpful.  I told her about my three losses and about how I was being seen by a RE.  She asked if I had been through IUI/IVF and I told her about the Femara.  She asked about any drugs I was on currently and I mentioned the Levo.  She told me that I would be fine to start going back there for regular prenatal appointments.  I told her that my only caveat to going there was that I needed regular ultrasounds, at least until I was out of the first trimester.  She put the breaks on right there and told me that it would not be possible to get an ultrasound there until 18 weeks!  I started to get worked up and told her that my RE recommended one at 11 weeks.  She said that insurance would not cover another ultrasound until 18 weeks unless I was bleeding or over 35.  She said they did not treat infertility/early loss patients as high risk. 

I was about ready to cry with frustration at this point.  There was no way I could wait until 18 weeks for my next ultrasound.  I was also totally out of breath from walking over a mile to acupuncture and struggling to hold back tears.  She told me I might best be taken care of at the hospital.  I told her I was trying to get an appointment with no luck.  She commiserated and suggested I call back in a day if I had not heard from them.  I agreed and tearfully hung up the phone.  I was so shocked that even after 3 losses in a row, they would not try to work with me to get another early ultrasound covered by insurance.

My luck would have it that the MFM practice decided to call me back right as I was walking into my acupuncture appointment!  I stepped out so that I could take the call.  The woman apologized for the late returned phone call.  She was well informed of my situation (probably due to my 2 very detailed messages...haha).  She happily placed me with the high risk doctor (who is also a full service OB) that my RE recommended.  I have an intake appointment for next Tuesday and then that will follow with an ultrasound after that.

Such relief!  I think that for me, I need to stay with the hospital.  I think they already get my situation and are willing to work with me to ensure that things are covered by insurance.  They have a state of the art NICU that can handle babies born at 23 weeks or beyond.  Hopefully I won't need that, but it is nice to know.  I am also closer to the Children's Hospital, if necessary. Yeah it might be a pain to have to come into work to go to an appointment, but I am already used to making the trip there from work anyways.  Now I just hope and pray that this baby continues to thrive! 

I will start this post by saying that I had a really tough time last night and this morning.  Last night I had trouble eating due to anxiety and all I wanted to do after work was lie around on the couch and watch HGTV (my security blanket).  I napped for an hour or so and then poked my boobs to see if they were still sore because I am nuts (they were, kind of).

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night due to my regular trips to the bathroom and wacky bizarre dreams.  I laid in bed at one point just thinking about everything and wondering how I would deal with a not-so-great ultrasound.  I said a ton of prayers.  I bargained with God.  I tried to talk to my Dad.  Then I started to think about my 3 angels there with my Dad and I suddenly felt a little bit better.  I could seriously picture him sitting on a couch with 3 babies.  It made me smile and I was able to drift off to sleep again.

When I woke up I had to drag myself out of bed.  I thought about ways that I could get out of the ultrasound, but knew I really needed and wanted to go and make sure everything was ok.  I got myself ready and choked down half a muffin and an apple.  On the drive to the hospital I chugged about 16 ounces of water.  Then I had to pee...really bad.

My sister was planning on meeting us at the hospital at 7:30 AM in our usual meeting spot.  My sister has become my other security blanket.  As my husband and I were pulling into the garage to park, I got a text from my sis telling me her alarm didn't go off and that she had just gotten up.  I started to panic because she has been my good luck charm.  She has helped my husband and I to be positive for the past few weeks.  I tried to breathe deeply and I sent her a text telling her to pray for me.

We got to the ultrasound waiting room early and I sat there uncomfortably, nervous and feeling like I was going to pee my pants at any minute.  When they called me right at 8, I was so happy to finally be able to go to the bathroom soon!

The tech was one that I had never had before.  She seemed nice and sensed my anxiety right away.  She asked my why I was going for such an early ultrasound and I rattled on about my miscarriage riddled past.  She squirted the gel and started pressing with the wand and I kind of shuddered in pain.  It hurt so bad because my bladder was so full.  She got a quick look, told me she thought things looked good preliminarily, and told me to empty my bladder.  She said it didn't need to be full anymore because I was far enough along.  I was so surprised because I have never heard that before!

When I got back to the table she started checking again.  She quickly showed us the baby and told us the heart was beating at a nice 175 bpm.  She showed us the head and umbilical cord.  It was surreal.  My husband and I just stared in awe at the screen.  I started to tear up a little.  The radiologist came in and confirmed that the baby looked great.  Measuring slightly ahead at 9.3 weeks.  She asked how far we had made it and I told her only to 8.5 weeks.  She happily congratulated us on getting past that mark.

We met with my RE afterwards and she seemed thrilled (well as thrilled as I have ever heard her sound).  She told me that she needed to release me to my OB.  I told her I was on the fence about staying with the hospital or going back to my OB so she gave me a few referrals at the Maternal Fetal Medicine practice that take infertility patients that have not necessarily exhibited the need for a high risk doctor.  We told her that we would need to discuss it and would figure it out.  She recommended another scan in 2 weeks for my piece of mind.  She shook our hands and told me to call her after I was done breastfeeding and she would put me back on Femara should I want to try for another.  I hope I do not see her for at least a year or more!

Today was one of the happiest days of my life.  I know that we still have a looooong way to go with this pregnancy, but I am feeling better about it today.  I don't have that intuition that I have had with every other pregnancy.  Although I am still anxious at times (especially before an appointment), I don't have that sinking feeling that something is wrong.  I hope my intuition is right.  I would be so curious to know if anyone else has had intuition one way or another with a pregnancy (failed or successful)?  If you did was it right?

One more question to ponder... If you were me, would you stick with the MFM practice at a well known hospital or would you go back to your friendly OB?  The MFM practice is closer to work.  My OB is closer to home.

Here are some pics if you are interested (scroll to the bottom 2 pictures)!  Thanks again everyone for the continued support.  This little one is going to have lots of aunties!  :)

Today was a very emotional day for my husband and I.  Neither of us slept very well and once we finally got out of bed, neither of us wanted to talk about where we were about to go and what we were about to do.  

Today's ultrasound went pretty well.  Thanks so much for the words of encouragement.  They mean so much to me, you have no idea.  I didn't achieve my full goal of #1, but I got close enough to it, I think.

The morning started off ok.  I got to the hospital an hour early since my husband had to drop me off on his way to a meeting.  I sat in the lobby and waited for my sister, who was about 40 minutes early.  I was so anxious when she got there that I had almost gone to throw up once and had peed about 3 times already.  She calmed me down and told me to remember to smile because I am pregnant.  I had to keep reminding myself this.

We made our way down to ultrasound about 10 minutes early.  I was seriously panicking as I walked through the hallway.  The hallway that I had cried in many times before.  It brought back more of those awful memories.  When we got to the ultrasound suite, though, I was happy and surprised to see that they had redone the entire area.  It looked nothing like I remembered it from my last visit so I immediately felt better.

My sister tried to make conversation with me while we waited to be called, but I was too busy fidgeting and biting my nails to really pay attention to what she was saying.  When the tech called my name I shot up and when she asked me how I was doing I sheepishly said ok.  Once we got into the newly finished ultrasound room, the tech asked me about cramping and bleeding and I was so confused.  Apparently they had gotten my charts confused and she had the one from my last failed pregnancy.  She profusely apologized for the mishap and definitely made up for things following that. She asked about the miscarriages and I explained them to her and told her I was seriously anxious about this because I had never had a good ultrasound.  She reassured me that she would talk me through everything.

She started with the abdominal ultrasound even though I told her I was only 5 weeks 3 days.  I told her she wouldn't see anything, but she insisted that it was protocol.  To my surprise, she did see something.  A nice large sac.  She could see much detail though, so she told me to put on a gown and that she would come back with the radiologist for a closer look.  Once I was disrobed and in the stirrups, she inserted the wand and easily found the sac again, this time with a yolk.  She told me I was measuring perfectly for 5 weeks 4 days (I was confused about the dating, but she said it was normal to be off) and the radiologist (who was the head of radiology) said it was a perfect looking crisp sac w/ yolk (my sister teased me about my crisp sac all the way home).  I didn't believe them so I kept asking if they were sure.  They reassured me that this was perfect for where I was and that coming back in a week should yield a heartbeat.

After the ultrasound, my sis and I headed up to my RE's office where I was having my appointment with the nurse.  The office was packed with people, but I was able to get in fairly quickly.  The nurse confirmed what I had heard from the radiologist, said everything looked great, and asked me if I was breathing a sigh of relief.  I told her I had many more weeks before that and she agreed that in my position it would be more difficult.  She offered to have my TSH checked at my request.  She also said she didn't want to see me for 2 weeks because she didn't think it was necessary.  I was totally fine with that.  The less I have to go back there, the better, as far as I am concerned.

We had trouble making my follow-up due to the overbooked schedule of my doctor, so the admin said she would call me back.  I didn't hear back from her today, so I will call her tomorrow.

So, I guess I am feeling ok about today.  We didn't see a fetal pole, but no one even mentioned that or seemed concerned.  My research with ultrasound pictures on Fertility Friend showed many, many ultrasounds that looked like mine that were either 5 1/2 weeks or even up to 6 weeks.  That made me feel better.  I am hoping and praying that in 2 weeks we will see the little flicker of a heartbeat.  Come on little one...you can do it!!!

*Note: If you want to see a picture, click here.  I have decided to stop posting pregnancy related photos to my direct homepage so you don't have to look at them if it is too hard (not that this first one is really much of anything, but I think you know what I mean).

The title of this post says it all, really.  From the outside you would think that I am totally fine, but in the inside I am totally freaking out.  Tomorrow is my first ultrasound and I am dreading going to sit in that little waiting room with all the very pregnant teen moms.  Seriously, right now my stomach is doing flips and I feel like I could puke at any second (and no, it is not morning sickness, it is awaiting-imminent-ultrasound-sickness).

I have spent all day thinking about how tomorrow might play out.  I have come up with several scenarios (apologies for my psychosis, but I need to get this out and this is the only place I can do that right now) because I have to be prepared for EVERYTHING:

1.  Perfect scenario.  Have nice ultrasound tech who talks me through everything.  Does a vaginal ultrasound since I am only going to be 5 weeks 3 days tomorrow.  Sees a sac, yolk, and fetal pole.  Says baby is measuring right on target.  Pats me on the back.  Tells me to come back in a week to 10 days. Can you tell I have been G.oogling 5 weeks 3 days ultrasound?

2.  Not so perfect scenario.  Have an ultrasound tech that isn't especially friendly and spends lots of time fishing the ultrasound up in my who-ha without giving me any feedback until the end.  Sees sac that is measuring the right size.  Says it's too early to see much more than that and tells me to come back in a week for a more conclusive look.

3.  Bad scenario #1.  Have an amateur ultrasound tech that jabs the ultrasound around my ovaries.  Sees  nothing in my uterus.  Sees something in my tube.  Pregnancy is ectopic.  I won't continue on with this scary scenario, but you catch my drift.

4.  Bad scenario #2.  Have a stupid ultrasound tech that tries to do an abdominal ultrasound even though I tell them that I am only 5 weeks 3 days.  Pushes that thing so hard into my stomach and then has to resort to the vaginal wand anyways (can you tell this has happened to me before?).  See's something that looks like it might be a baby, but it is measuring small.  Ultrasound tech gives me a high probability of miscarriage, sends me to talk to my doctor, and the RE tells me to come back in a week.

Ok so I am thinking that these are my most likely scenarios tomorrow and honestly by writing all of them down I feel a little less anxious.  I am hoping and praying for scenario #1, but I know I can handle all of the other scenarios because I have handled them (or something similar) before.  Not with grace, but I have handled them.  I will get through tomorrow one way or another.  Just hoping to keep the good news streak continuing.  If you have any room on your prayer list tonight, might you please include me and this little one?  Thanks so much.