I mentioned this a little in my last post, but my anxiety around this pregnancy, ultrasounds, obstetricians, symptoms (or lack of), another miscarriage, etc., has gotten to be more than I think I am capable of dealing with on my own.  This is kind of difficult for me to write about because I might seem like I am not grateful or happy to be where I am to those of you who are struggling to conceive right now.  It is quite the contrary, though.  I am so elated and feel so blessed to be here right now, but I can't seem to get out of my own head for 5 minutes at a time to enjoy any of this because I am still so worried that something is going to go wrong.

Here is an example of my anxiety getting the best of me...

At my last NT appointment, besides obsessing over the NT measurements, I also started to obsess over the flu shot that I unexpectedly got and told myself that I would NEVER get.  My husband and I talk about flu shots all the time and while I won't express all of our conspiracy theories in this venue, lets suffice it to say that neither of us "believe" in them or their "worth".  During the great swine flu "epidemic" while many people were running to get the H1N1 vaccine, my husband and I were running from it.  My husband did get the dreaded swine flu, I did not.  It wasn't that bad.  He was sick at home for a day or 2.  Much less worse than a bad throat infection I had several years back.

So anyways, back to the flu shot.  At the end of my appointment, my doctor strongly suggested (again) that I get the flu shot.  I had told him previously that I was worried about it causing problems with my pregnancy (i.e. causing miscarriages) and he agreed to wait a few weeks until I was out of the first trimester.  Well a few weeks passed.  He said that getting the flu while pregnant is dangerous to mom and baby...pre-term labor...yadda...yadda...yadda.  My husband looked at me and I looked at him and in a moment of weakness I said ok.  The midwife then shot me up in the left arm.  Ouch.

So then when I got home that night I started to feel a little off.  Of course my thoughts went to the flu shot and I started thinking...miscarriage.  You'll be proud that I didn't G.oogle it (I have G.oogled it in the past, though), but I started having such bad thoughts that it was doing damage to the baby.  I really started freaking myself out.  The next day at work, I did the same thing.  Anxiety most of the day when I touched my left arm and felt how sore it was.  Last night, I got home from work and really started doubting things.  I reluctantly pulled out the Doppler.  I found the baby right away.  Little heart beating away.  I breathed a sigh of relief, but for how long?  Elizabeth, at Bebe Suisse talked about this in her post today.  I can totally relate.  These little things give us an idea of how things are right now.  They don't predict anything and they get very addictive.

I just need to figure out a way to stop letting my past miscarriage experiences continue to taint my current pregnancy, which is completely different except for the date of my LMP (4 days before the LMP of my first miscarriage).  I need to figure out how to stop dooming this poor baby I have growing in my uterus right now.  It has no idea that 3 poor babies came and went before it.  Right now, it is happy swimming and living in there.  Would it be almost a week ahead if it were not doing well?  I need to stop assuming the worst at every appointment.  I need to trust the doctor when he tells me that everything looks good and not turn to unidentifiable resources on the Internet for my information.  I need to start treating this baby like it deserves to be treated and not trying to disassociate myself from it because I am afraid that tomorrow it might not be there.

I am not sure if going to therapy again is going to help me with all of this.  After my Dad died, I talked to a therapist.  Unfortunately she did not helped me and actually rubbed me the wrong way so I stopped seeing her.  I worked through things on my own with running and yoga.  Well too bad I can't run right now and I am not sure how to proceed with yoga (or if I even should right now).  You all know that I tried the group therapy to deal with my losses.  That helped for a while, but then I got pregnant and almost everyone turned on me, so yeah I stopped going.  My acupuncturist released me so I don't have that stress relief anymore.  Therapy is my only hope right now.  I am hoping that this lady can help me work through these issues.  My baby and I would be so very grateful.  

On a happier note, back when I first found out I was pregnant and when I wasn't feeling so great nausea-wise, my husband and I made a deal that he would buy me and Edible Arrangement if I made it to 12 weeks.  Well today, I got my edible arrangement.  I am 13 weeks today, but who's counting.  ;)

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Sorry that this update is kind of late.  We didn't get home from the appointment until almost 7 PM on Tuesday and I have been so busy at work that I haven't had time to write an update.  Thus, this might be rather short because I am again on a time crunch.  I have a huge presentation of my new product to our COO/CTO today and I am once again under the gun!

The exam, overall, went well even though we had a tough time getting there.  I thought the exam was at 3:45 PM, when in fact I realized on Tuesday that it was at 2:45 PM.  Ooops.  I called my husband (freaking out) to let him know that we would need to leave early.  Luckily, that wasn't a huge problem.  Then, on the drive there, we got stuck in a huge traffic jam because some jerk-off decided to drive his tractor-trailer in a tunnel with a low clearance and got stuck.  We finally got to the hospital and as soon as we checked in and sat down in the very crowded waiting room, the fire alarm went off.  They closed up parts of the hospital and things were pretty stagnant for 25 minutes.  Needless to say, it didn't matter that we were 10 minutes late.

After sitting in the waiting room for 50 minutes, anxious/nauseous/heart beating out of my chest, we finally got called in for the scan part of the exam.  The tech was really nice.  I told him how nervous I was and he immediately put me at ease when he showed me the wiggly baby on the screen with a happily beating heart.  I was able to breathe a little more after that.  It was so cool to see the little waving hands and the little feet.  It really did seem surreal.

The baby really wanted to be in either a downward or upward facing position so the tech was having a tough time getting measurements.  He would try to coax the baby to the side position with the ultrasound wand, but the baby would flip right back to one of the original positions.  Very stubborn, that is definitely my child in there.  Finally he was able to get the baby into a good position and get some measurements.  He told us the measurement was 1.6 mm after measuring 2 times and said the baby looked good and healthy.  He then left and sent in the radiologist for a final review.

The radiologist then came in with a resident and they started scanning again.  Of course, the baby went back to one of the more comfortable positions.  She told us that the baby was measuring 13.3 weeks (even though I was 12 weeks 4 days, by my dating ultrasound).  She got the baby to turn into a side view position with some more pushing with the wand, snapped some measurements, then asked us is we wanted a guess on the gender.  Ummmm, yes!  Unfortunately my husband refuses to let me say anything to anyone so I can't say what they said.  We need a few more weeks to make that part of things official.

After the scan we headed over to the doctor's office.  For some reason I was still really anxious while sitting in the waiting room. Of course the first thing they did when I got into the exam room was to take my blood pressure.  Again, it was high, 138/70.  I could tell that I was anxious and I told the tech again.  She said the doctor would review it.  Always something.

The doctor came in and looked over the test results and said that everything looked good.  He explained a little more about the 2 part NT exam that I had opted for (I wasn't really sure which one to pick, but he recommended that one at my first appointment, so I complied).  Basically, I had the ultrasound and got blood taken on Tuesday and I have to go back for more blood work on 10/16.  Then I find out the results at my appointment on 10/30.  More things for me to worry about and obsess over, yay.  We talked a little about my blood pressure and he mentioned that I may have developed "White Coat Syndrome" due to my history of miscarriage.  This is when blood pressure spikes when anxiety related to a doctor's visit occurs.  He said that he wasn't worried about it right now, but that he might send me home with a monitor if it continues to be high when I visit.  Ummm yeah I can tell you right now that it will continue to be high each time I visit because I am now conditioned to feel this way after 3 miscarriages.  I ALWAYS expect bad news at an appointment regarding pregnancy.  Awesome.

We left the appointment feeling pretty good about things and excited to call my grandma.  I then happened to glance at the report in the car and I noticed that the report said the NT thickness was 2.0.  I was kind of confused since the tech told us that it was 1.6.  How did the estimate change so much??  I know that anything under 2.6 is considered to be a "normal" screen, but of course seeing a 2 on that paper scared me and sent me into a G.oogle frenzy when I got home.  That G.oogle frenzy led to me to another piece of the puzzle that neither the doctor nor the radiologist mentioned...the presence or absence of a nasal bone.  Why can't I believe it when the high-risk OB who specializes in dealing with people who have abnormal scans on a regular basis, tells me that the scan was normal?  What the heck is wrong with me?  Why don't I trust doctors and think that I can come up with more accurate diagnoses via the Internet?  I always do this to myself.  It is like I am trying to convince myself that there is a problem now.  Another miscarriage casualty.  Does anyone else do this or does the cheese stand alone here?

To end this post that I thought would be short, but ended up not being so short, we did call me grandma on the way home.  She was beyond ecstatic, as we expected.  It was so nice telling her that she would probably become a great grandmother in a few months.  :)

If you are interested, click over to see some pics of our growing Button.  Doesn't really look like a button anymore!

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I can honestly say that this is a post that I was never really sure that I would ever have the opportunity to write.  If you would have asked me back in March if I thought I would ever be able to use myself and 12 weeks in the same sentence I would have really struggled to answer the question.  I am almost in shock that I am here.  So grateful, so happy, but still so nervous.

I cry a little bit on most days, probably due a lot to my wacky hormones.  Usually the crying is due to my thankfulness of where I am right now and thinking back to where I was last year at this time.  I also cry out of guilt.  I cry because of my friends that I know that are trying and trying with no luck.  I cry for my friends that continue to experience loss after loss with no explanations.  I cry for my friends that are in pregnancy limbo and waiting for news.  I cry because it is all so unfair.

I struggle with how and when to write updates about this pregnancy.  I know that I want to document this for my memory, as well as for anyone else who might be reading this.  I want to give women who have been dealing with similar situations to my own, hope.  I know I always look to posts regarding early pregnancy.  For some reason it helps me to feel better about where I am.  So here goes with how things are going for me at 12 weeks.

At 12 weeks I am just starting to show.  I can't button my normal pants anymore and have been wearing mostly dresses and stretchy skirts to work.  I bought a band to put over my regular pants, but I have not yet tried it because it has been warm enough to wear skirts/dresses to work.  Maybe next week.

My symptoms at this point mostly consist of nausea most of the day, constipation, & general tiredness.  Also, today my left eye has started twitching.  Not sure if this is or isn't related to pregnancy, but it is very annoying!  I am also still getting up a lot to go to the bathroom and my upper back has been hurting.  I am thinking it is because my small rack, has increased by a size or two and is making me slouch.

My TSH is back to the normal range and down to 1.24 thanks to the meds!  Also, all of my other thyroid tests came back normal (including anti-thyroid antibody), so that is one less thing for me to worry about at this point.  I have another appointment with the endocrinologist at he end of October for my follow-up.

I have my NT exam on Tuesday afternoon.  I am pretty nervous about this.  I know they will do the scan first and then take blood.  I am hoping and praying that everything goes well with this exam because it is taking everything in me not to tell my grandma!  She is the person that I have been wanting to tell about this baby so much.  I know how badly she wants to become a great grandmother.  She knows nothing of our struggles or miscarriages because I didn't want to give her bad news (all she gets at her age is news of people dying or getting terminal illnesses so I have felt the need to protect her).  I will also finally tell my boss if things go well.  Then she will understand why I have been "working from home" a lot lately.

I have been using the doppler once or twice a week since that first night a few weeks ago.  I can now find the baby pretty fast, but not for very long because he (I am thinking boy) moves a lot.  He also kicks.  If you want to see some picture/video updates, click here and then scroll to the bottom.  Please keep my in your thoughts and prayers next week.  

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One year ago today, my husband and I walked into the OB with the hopes of our first conceived baby being alive and left in tears after learning there was no heartbeat.  Yes, we had a scan earlier in the week that provided us with the gloom and doom of a heartbeat in the 60s and the baby measuring almost 2 weeks behind, but we held out some hope that there was a mistake.  Unfortunately, there was no mistake.  I couldn't watch as the ultrasound tech took measurements of our dead baby.  I had my first D&C, two days later.

One year ago today, our lives were forever changed.  All of the excitement and innocence of pregnancy was taken away from us, never to return.  "Bad luck," all of the doctors and nurses declared.  "It happens to one out of 4 pregnancies," was the canned response.  "At least you know you can get pregnant easily," they said to try to make me feel better.  It just felt like a bad dream to me.  Like I was not in my own body anymore and was looking at someone else.  This couldn't happen to me.  I was healthy and active.  I did everything right.  I took my vitamins, I didn't eat lunch meat or unpasteurized cheese, I cut back on my running.  I never bled or cramped.  Why did this happen to me??

One year ago today, my husband and I came back to our house, sobbing.  Our dog knew something was wrong and laid down, sadly, at our feet.  My husband and I held each other and tried to convince ourselves that this was a once in a lifetime event.  Something that we would never have to experience again.  We vowed to start trying again as soon as the doctor's said it was ok.  Little did we know that this was only the start of our year from hell.

One year ago today, the seasons were starting to transition from the heat and humidity of summer to the crisp coolness of fall.  I was completely oblivious to the change of seasons.  Last year, I totally missed fall.  By the time I came out of my miscarriage fog, there were no more leaves on the trees and a winter jacket was necessary.

One year ago today, seems like yesterday, but also seems so very far away.  We have been through so much in a year and have come so very far.  We are both totally different people today, than we were just one year ago.

Today is complicated.  I am sad about losing my first baby.  I am still so worried that I might miscarry this baby.  I wonder constantly what happened with those first two miscarriages and why I had a chromosomal issue with the last one.  I am angry that this happened to me while others have kid after kid with no issue.  I am confused as to why someone with my healthy lifestyle would have a miscarriage at all.  I am cautiously hopeful for the future.  I am trying put the past behind me and not let it taint this pregnancy, but it is so difficult.  My anxiety and fears of another miscarriage haunt me while I am awake and while I am asleep.  I am trying to move forward even though it feels like I am still stuck in the mud.

Today is also my 100th post on this blog.  It is kind of odd that it falls on this day.  I never thought that I would still be blogging in mid-September when I started this back in April, fresh off of my 3rd miscarriage.  I really never thought that I would find such amazing and supportive people through blogging.  I have said it before, but I will say it again.  All of you lovely ladies (you know who you are) have picked me up and carried me when I needed it.  Your comments and emails mean the world to me.  You are all so wonderful and I am so lucky to have met you all.  I wish so badly that none of us had to go through this and I pray every night that we can all come out of this on the other side.

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Yesterday was my first trip to the Maternal Fetal Medicine office.  I wasn't scheduled for an ultrasound so I went straight to the office to fill out mounds of paperwork.  I was early to arrive so I was very surprised when they called my name before I was done signing all the documents.

They weighed me and I still weigh exactly the same (with my clothes on) as I weighed before I got pregnant.  They told me that this was normal and that I shouldn't really expect to gain anything until the second trimester.  The nurse's assistant took my blood pressure, but I don't think that she did it correctly.  The band wasn't very tight around my arm and she didn't ask me to roll up my sleeve.  Then when she inflated it (while I was still trying to get situated on the table and she let some of the air out then re-inflated it 2 times.  She asked me if I had high blood pressure and I told her no, actually I usually have slightly lower blood pressure.  She kind of shrugged her shoulders.  I just had my blood pressure taken less than 2 weeks ago and it was normal so I am thinking it was operator error?  No one in my life has ever told me that I have high blood pressure!

Then the nurse came in to ask me a ton more questions, but suggested that I go pee in a cup first.  That is always a fun experience.  I won't get into too much detail, but suffice it to say, I have very bad aim.  The nurse had told me to leave the cup in the bathroom when I was done.  It felt really odd to just leave a cup of my pee on the shelf in there, but I did it, reluctantly.

Then came the rest of the questions from the nurse which ranged from drug and alcohol use to mental health to if we rented a house or owned.  The nurse was really nice and we had a bunch of things in common.  We were both from the same state originally (and in the same part of the state) and we both graduated from the same college.  It is a small world!  The nurse also asked me about my losses and when and how they occurred.  That is always a hard conversation to have especially since I am coming so close to the anniversary of my first D&C.

After the nurse went through all the questions she explained to me about the Downs Syndrome screening that I would have at 12 1/2 weeks, followed by another blood test at 15 weeks, and then a gender scan at 18 weeks.  I feel like I still tune out those types of events that are so far into the future because I still feel like I can't be certain that I will get there.  I think that is just my learned defense mechanism working.

After she explained some of the future appointments, she left me to wait for the doctor.  I figured I would be waiting for a while, but the doctor popped right in.  He was awesome.  I was at ease from the moment he came in.  Very no nonsense and extremely understanding of my situation.  The first thing he wanted to do was check on the baby with his incredibly awesome hand-held ultrasound machine that looked similar to the one in this picture.

So cool!

After that, we talked for a little while about my history and about this pregnancy going forward.  He debunked some myths and told me all soft cheeses were safe as long as they were pasteurized.  He emphasized me to eat pasteurized foods/drinks, if there was an option.  He also told me that anything that I feel like eating during the first trimester is fine.  He said there is no difference in babies where the mom's had trouble eating in the first trimester than those that didn't.  He actually said he feels better about pregnancies where the mothers are nauseous because it means a better connection between mom and baby.  That made me feel better.

We talked a little about my ongoing risk of miscarriage and he didn't think that it was different from any other normal pregnant person at this point.  We joked about statistics, but he mentioned a 96% chance at a take home baby at this point.  I know nothing is certain (EVER), but it made me feel a little more comfortable.

He told me to call their emergency number 24/7 if I ever felt like there was an issue and/or if I ever had bleeding of ANY kind.  They have a 24 hour prenatal care center at the hospital that is open to all the patients.  He told me to call them first if I was going out of town, but said he preferred his patients not travel.  I haven't told my husband this as we were planning on going on our postponed trip to Turks & Caicos in November.

After meeting with the doctor I scheduled my next scan and appointment for Oct. 2 and then headed over to get blood taken.  I have been tested for STDs and AIDs so many times in the last year because of all my other pregnancies, but I guess they are required to do it.  At least I have already tested NEG for Cystic Fibrosis, so I don't need that again.

Overall I thought the visit went really well.  I really like the doctor and the nurse.  I think they treated me well and were very understanding of my situation.  I really like that hand-held ultrasound gadget.  I know that even if I don't have a scan that they can check on the baby.  I am very happy with my decision to stay with the hospital, so far, and I am cautiously getting excited about meeting this little one in a few months.  :)

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So if you read my post from yesterday you are probably confused about the title of this post.  Well, I had no idea that I was going to pull out the doppler last night about 9 PM.  My husband, his friend, and I went out for a quick bite to eat.  After eating about a pound of bread, I was able to stomach some farfalle pasta with light tomato sauce (lots of mozzarella cheese medallions, too, haha).  My husband and his friend decided to hit up a party and of course I decided to call it a night at the ripe old time of 8 PM.  Yes, I am a loser these days, but I am fine with that.

When I got home there was a disgusting bug on my front screen door.

I got out my phone to take a picture to send to my husband when I saw a text from my friend who let me borrow her doppler.  She said she had read my post from earlier and suggested that I try.  She was pretty confident that at 10 weeks I would hear this little Button if I tried in my lower abdomen.  With a renewed spirit, I decided that it might be a good time to try to find it.

As soon as I got inside I went up to the computer and Googled "how to use a fetal doppler".  I read a quick article and felt like I could handle it.  I got the Sonoline B Pocket Fetal Doppler, some gel, and laid down on the couch.  I turned the thing on and it squealed at me so loudly I think I might have scared the baby into hiding.  I started on the left side of my lower pelvic area and immediately heard something that sounded like a heartbeat.  It was only registering 82-98 bpm, so I figured this wasn't it.  I moved the wand lower near my pubic bone (as my friend recommended) and kept moving the thing around down there...nothing that would register more than 100 or so.  Then I moved the thing up to my belly button and I started to hear a loud heartbeat, but again it was similar to my own at around 90 something bpm.  I was starting to get anxious and nervous that something was wrong.

I got frustrated and shut the thing off.  I texted my friend that I had no luck.  :(  She felt so bad and tried to offer me suggestions of having a full bladder and watching some YouTube how-to videos.  I decided to take her up on her idea.  I watched the following 2 videos:


These two videos were so helpful and saved my evening.  I learned what the different sounds were in my abdomen, my blood flow off to the left and my placenta right smack in the middle.  I learned that I was looking in the wrong spot and that I was moving the wand way too fast and not pressing hard enough.  I also had the volume too low.

After learning these helpful tips, I got into my bed, propped up my head, squirted some aloe vera gel this time and tried again.  After about 5 minutes, to the slight left below my belly button and left of the placenta, I found it.  OMG.  It was so amazing.  I only found it for a few seconds, but I got the doppler to register up to 169 bpm before I lost it (that baby must be moving around in there or something!).  It was amazingly loud, fast, and distinct from my own.  I can't tell you how relieved I felt.  I texted my friend, texted my husband, and called my mom.  I went to sleep so happy last night.  I have never heard a heartbeat before.  The moral of the story here is, watch some how-to videos before attempting to use a piece of equipment that you are unfamiliar with.  I learned my lesson!!

**Update on my friend**

Her second beta came back at well over 400.  She more than doubled in the past 48 hours.  I am so excited for her!!  I really hope that this is her miracle baby!  :)

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I woke up this morning and realized that it has been several days since I have last posted.  It might possibly be one of the longest stretches that I have taken away from blogging since I started this thing in  April.  The truth is, there hasn't been a ton going on with me lately that I have wanted to write about.  I guess this is a good thing.  Normally I write when I am anxious, or nervous, or angry, or sad.  I have been really busy at work lately, so I haven't had a ton of time to write or read other blogs while I am there.  The project that I am working on is coming to a close (hopefully) sometime in October, so I will have more free-time then.  I actually like the no free-time at work better than when I am not as busy.  It gives me less time to obsess over my symptoms (or lack of symptoms) and makes the days go by faster.

Next week, Tuesday, will be my first appointment with my new MFM doctor.  I am scheduled to see the nurse first at 2:30 PM and then the doctor at 3 PM.  I am not quite sure what to expect, but I don't think that this visit will include an ultrasound.  If it does include an ultrasound, it will be with the hand held, most likely.  I am not sure if they will try to use the doppler or not.  I have had one experience with a doppler and it was a bad one.  Generally speaking, I am afraid of dopplers.

My first prenatal appointment in my first pregnancy, when I thought I was 9 1/2-10 weeks, they went for a listen with the doppler.  Of course they couldn't hear anything so they sent me straight away to ultrasound and we all know how that turned out.  My friend sent me her doppler to use last week and so far I have been too scared to try it out...

What if I can't find the heartbeat? Chances are, I wouldn't be able to this early.

Will I freak out?  Yes.

Would I go to the ER, pay $250 co-pay, and tell them that I was bleeding/cramping so I could get an ultrasound? Yes.

I think I am going to wait to use the doppler for a few more weeks.

Today Fertility Friend says that I am allegedly 10 weeks (by my doctor's estimate I am 10 weeks, 1 day).  I still feel pregnant most of the time, which I am taking as a good sign.  With my missed miscarriage, I lost most of my symptoms at 8 1/2 weeks (which makes sense since that is what the baby measured when they found it).  Nausea most of the day, super tremendous constipation for the first time in my life, very tired, weird dreams (lots of sex dreams), headaches, intermittent very sore boobs, peeing a lot (especially at night), thirsty, lots of thin white CM, & lovely and strong finger nails.  My finger nails are normally picked at and bitten because they break so easily.  For some reason they are now long, for me, and for the first time look like girl's nails!

I have not been feeling like eating much of anything at all.  Basically nothing tastes good and when I think about eating I feel sick to my stomach.  I don't really crave anything (except popcorn).  My diet for the past few weeks has consisted of apples, plums, peaches, grapes, organic frosted toaster pastries (thanks to Whole Foods), Honey Nut Cheerios (straight out of the box), chicken soup (from various cans, cartons, and locations), Wheat Thins (however I am losing my taste for them), organic gluten free chicken tenders, lima beans, and plain potato gnocchi w/ Parmesan cheese.  Ick.  Makes me sick to think about eating.  Dinner is by far my least favorite meal of the day lately.

In other news, not related to me, one of my friends found out that she is pregnant on Thursday.  Before you get angry about another pregnant person, please listen to her back-story.  She tried for 2 years to get pregnant on her own.  No periods, thus no dice.  She went to a fertility clinic and they couldn't really find anything wrong with her so they just diagnosed her as PCOS (she has none of the PCOS symptoms other than not ovulating) and told her to try IUI with injections.  She tried that and had several chemical pregnancies.  She moved on to IVF (one fresh and one frozen).  She then went on to have 2 miscarriages at around 7 1/2 weeks.  One D&C and one spontaneous.  Luckily her next fresh cycle gave her an adorable baby boy.

When her baby was almost a year she figured she would try again.  She started trying on her own first and lo and behold she got pregnant on the first try!  Unfortunately she found out at about 7 weeks that she had a blighted ovum.  She had another D&C.

She waited until she got her period after the D&C, excited that she could get pregnant on her own, and then tried again (I showed her how to temp and use FF).  She ovulated on day 46, but ended up with a positive pregnancy test this cycle.  She has been spotting and sporadically bleeding though, which she experienced with her blighted ovum, so she is scared to death.  Her first beta on Thursday at 14dpo was HCG- 147, Progesterone- 26.  The nurse told her that was low, put her on progesterone suppositories, and scared her even more.  I checked Betabase  and found her numbers to be spot on, with the average at 14dpo being HCG-103.  She has her second draw today so maybe say a little prayer that we have a double here.  She has been through so much and deserves for this to work out.

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Thanks to everyone who offered me advice in one of my previous posts regarding my choice of staying a the hospital and sticking with the maternal fetal medicine practice or going back to my regular OB.  I was worried that I might make the wrong choice, but after my conversations with both offices yesterday, I am pretty confident that I have made the right decision for me right now.

I called the MFM practice last Friday at lunch and left them a message with all of my information.  Their answering message said that someone would call you back within 24 hours.  I assumed those were business hours, so I waited until Monday at lunch to give them another call back and leave another message.  By the time that I was ready to leave for my acupuncture appointment yesterday, I had not heard back from MFM.  I did, however, receive a reminder phone all from my OB about my annual exam that I forgot was scheduled for Wednesday.

On my walk to acupuncture, I called the OB and told them about my situation.  Since I was so frustrated with not being able to get in touch with MFM, I asked if I could convert my annual appointment to an OB intake appointment.  Unfortunately, they would not let me do that.  The scheduler let me speak to a nurse to figure out what I should do next.  The nurse was nice, but not very helpful.  I told her about my three losses and about how I was being seen by a RE.  She asked if I had been through IUI/IVF and I told her about the Femara.  She asked about any drugs I was on currently and I mentioned the Levo.  She told me that I would be fine to start going back there for regular prenatal appointments.  I told her that my only caveat to going there was that I needed regular ultrasounds, at least until I was out of the first trimester.  She put the breaks on right there and told me that it would not be possible to get an ultrasound there until 18 weeks!  I started to get worked up and told her that my RE recommended one at 11 weeks.  She said that insurance would not cover another ultrasound until 18 weeks unless I was bleeding or over 35.  She said they did not treat infertility/early loss patients as high risk. 

I was about ready to cry with frustration at this point.  There was no way I could wait until 18 weeks for my next ultrasound.  I was also totally out of breath from walking over a mile to acupuncture and struggling to hold back tears.  She told me I might best be taken care of at the hospital.  I told her I was trying to get an appointment with no luck.  She commiserated and suggested I call back in a day if I had not heard from them.  I agreed and tearfully hung up the phone.  I was so shocked that even after 3 losses in a row, they would not try to work with me to get another early ultrasound covered by insurance.

My luck would have it that the MFM practice decided to call me back right as I was walking into my acupuncture appointment!  I stepped out so that I could take the call.  The woman apologized for the late returned phone call.  She was well informed of my situation (probably due to my 2 very detailed messages...haha).  She happily placed me with the high risk doctor (who is also a full service OB) that my RE recommended.  I have an intake appointment for next Tuesday and then that will follow with an ultrasound after that.

Such relief!  I think that for me, I need to stay with the hospital.  I think they already get my situation and are willing to work with me to ensure that things are covered by insurance.  They have a state of the art NICU that can handle babies born at 23 weeks or beyond.  Hopefully I won't need that, but it is nice to know.  I am also closer to the Children's Hospital, if necessary. Yeah it might be a pain to have to come into work to go to an appointment, but I am already used to making the trip there from work anyways.  Now I just hope and pray that this baby continues to thrive! 

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I will start this post by saying that I had a really tough time last night and this morning.  Last night I had trouble eating due to anxiety and all I wanted to do after work was lie around on the couch and watch HGTV (my security blanket).  I napped for an hour or so and then poked my boobs to see if they were still sore because I am nuts (they were, kind of).

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night due to my regular trips to the bathroom and wacky bizarre dreams.  I laid in bed at one point just thinking about everything and wondering how I would deal with a not-so-great ultrasound.  I said a ton of prayers.  I bargained with God.  I tried to talk to my Dad.  Then I started to think about my 3 angels there with my Dad and I suddenly felt a little bit better.  I could seriously picture him sitting on a couch with 3 babies.  It made me smile and I was able to drift off to sleep again.

When I woke up I had to drag myself out of bed.  I thought about ways that I could get out of the ultrasound, but knew I really needed and wanted to go and make sure everything was ok.  I got myself ready and choked down half a muffin and an apple.  On the drive to the hospital I chugged about 16 ounces of water.  Then I had to pee...really bad.

My sister was planning on meeting us at the hospital at 7:30 AM in our usual meeting spot.  My sister has become my other security blanket.  As my husband and I were pulling into the garage to park, I got a text from my sis telling me her alarm didn't go off and that she had just gotten up.  I started to panic because she has been my good luck charm.  She has helped my husband and I to be positive for the past few weeks.  I tried to breathe deeply and I sent her a text telling her to pray for me.

We got to the ultrasound waiting room early and I sat there uncomfortably, nervous and feeling like I was going to pee my pants at any minute.  When they called me right at 8, I was so happy to finally be able to go to the bathroom soon!

The tech was one that I had never had before.  She seemed nice and sensed my anxiety right away.  She asked my why I was going for such an early ultrasound and I rattled on about my miscarriage riddled past.  She squirted the gel and started pressing with the wand and I kind of shuddered in pain.  It hurt so bad because my bladder was so full.  She got a quick look, told me she thought things looked good preliminarily, and told me to empty my bladder.  She said it didn't need to be full anymore because I was far enough along.  I was so surprised because I have never heard that before!

When I got back to the table she started checking again.  She quickly showed us the baby and told us the heart was beating at a nice 175 bpm.  She showed us the head and umbilical cord.  It was surreal.  My husband and I just stared in awe at the screen.  I started to tear up a little.  The radiologist came in and confirmed that the baby looked great.  Measuring slightly ahead at 9.3 weeks.  She asked how far we had made it and I told her only to 8.5 weeks.  She happily congratulated us on getting past that mark.

We met with my RE afterwards and she seemed thrilled (well as thrilled as I have ever heard her sound).  She told me that she needed to release me to my OB.  I told her I was on the fence about staying with the hospital or going back to my OB so she gave me a few referrals at the Maternal Fetal Medicine practice that take infertility patients that have not necessarily exhibited the need for a high risk doctor.  We told her that we would need to discuss it and would figure it out.  She recommended another scan in 2 weeks for my piece of mind.  She shook our hands and told me to call her after I was done breastfeeding and she would put me back on Femara should I want to try for another.  I hope I do not see her for at least a year or more!

Today was one of the happiest days of my life.  I know that we still have a looooong way to go with this pregnancy, but I am feeling better about it today.  I don't have that intuition that I have had with every other pregnancy.  Although I am still anxious at times (especially before an appointment), I don't have that sinking feeling that something is wrong.  I hope my intuition is right.  I would be so curious to know if anyone else has had intuition one way or another with a pregnancy (failed or successful)?  If you did was it right?

One more question to ponder... If you were me, would you stick with the MFM practice at a well known hospital or would you go back to your friendly OB?  The MFM practice is closer to work.  My OB is closer to home.

Here are some pics if you are interested (scroll to the bottom 2 pictures)!  Thanks again everyone for the continued support.  This little one is going to have lots of aunties!  :)

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I have not been the best blogger the past few days.  We had a really busy weekend, which was good and I just haven't really felt like writing.  I feel like I should do a little update though, so here goes...

Group Therapy Session

I ended up talking to the therapist (group leader) over the phone.  The conversation went about as well as I expected.  She understood my points and said that she was not happy with the way that things had gone for me.  She was most unhappy to learn about my "buddy experiences" and said that she wished I would have brought it up sooner to her.  She tried to get me to go to the last session (last Thursday), but I declined.

I did receive a few nice emails from 3 of the girls in the group.  The one who acknowledged me at the Monday session, the one who had said she was jealous of my being able to get pregnant on my own, and the one who was pregnant herself.  I responded to all of the them and wished them the best of luck, and told them that I wasn't going to be going back.

MIL/SIL Pregnancy Revelation

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law came over last Friday for my SIL's birthday.  My husband ended up telling his mom right after our 7 week ultrasound because he had not been able to tell anyone.  I felt bad since my mom and a few of my sisters and close friends know.  She was obviously overjoyed and wanted to start telling people, but we obviously told her she could not until we gave her the high sign.

We told his sister at her birthday dinner and she started crying.  She knows about everything that we have been through and she was really happy for us, but understood the frailty of the situation.  She also promised not to tell.

I was really nervous about telling them, but I feel like it was the right choice.  I told them that by knowing, they will have to be there for us if things go bad.  They all understood the magnitude of everything.

Husband's Friend Pregnancy Revelation

I thought we were done with the "spilling" of information until Saturday night my husband's friend invited us over for dinner.  You might remember his friend from the last paragraph of this post.  I had not felt great all day and the thought of eating steak tips made me want to puke.  We had just stopped by the soup shop to get me some more of my favorite chicken noodle for dinner.  I felt bad declining yet another invitation to go over to their house.  Their baby is now almost a year and I only saw her once by chance.  I had not seen his wife in 3 or more years.  So, my husband said yes and we agreed that we would go and tell them why I was eating chicken soup.  They did know about the miscarriages, too.  So anyways we told them.  They were also very happy for us.  I ended up finding out that my husband's friend's wife had a still born when she was only 16 (she was in a seriously abusive relationship).  I had no idea that she had been through that.  I just assumed that everything was always easy for her.  I guess that just goes to show you that not everything is as it appears.

How I Am Feeling Physically

Physically I am doing ok.  I am about 8 1/2 weeks.  I have nausea most of the day, but worse in the early AM, late PM and in the middle of the night.  I do have some good days though when I feel mostly ok (those days tend to freak me out and I am happiest when I am sick).  Everything for the most part sounds gross to me, food-wise.  I have had some weird cravings that have come on quickly.  I will eat that craved item (i.e. lo mein) and then I will never want it again.  I have lost 5 pounds in the last 3 weeks due to my lacking appetite.  I have been having regular headaches.  My boobs are on and off sore although mostly not sore at all.  They just feel much bigger. I am not really showing, but I look about 3 months pregnant in the PM with bloatedness.  I am tired all the time.  I am cold most of the time.  I get up about 3-6 times a night to pee.  Probably doesn't help that I take my vitamins right before bed and then take my Levo right before I get up (lots of water).  I have also had really itchy legs.  I read that this can be a sign of a rare liver condition that can cause still births.  God, I hope not.  I am definitely going to bring this up on Friday if all goes well.

How I Am Feeling Mentally

It is funny because I generally feel calmer than I ever have in any pregnancy, but I am totally freaked for my Friday ultrasound.  I feel like this is my true make it or break it one.  If I see a good heartbeat then I can relax a little because that will be the farthest that I have gotten.  I still won't "relax" ever I think.  I have made little mile markers for myself that I am hoping to get past so we'll see how many of them I can hit.  Hopefully all of them.  I am also feeling quite weepy.  Not sure why exactly.  I will be fine one minute then I will hear a song that reminds me of a bad time and I will just start crying.  I think I might have some very low level depression still.  I would imagine that is normal with everything that has happened in the past year though.

Ok that is all for now.  I am excited to catch up on everyone else's blogs.  I have not been at my computer much this past weekend.  Hope you all had a nice Labor Day!

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***Warning- this is kind of long and kind of an uncomfortable topic***

I made the decision to "come out" about my pregnancy to my group therapy leader after my first ultrasound at 5 1/2 weeks.  I thought about quitting the group completely, but then I remembered how much I had paid for it and how much of a benefit that I saw after just a few weeks of going.  I sent her an email and explained to her that I was not ready to tell anyone else yet.  She agreed to keep it between us, but she encouraged me to let her tell the others (group policy) as soon as I felt comfortable.

In the group, we have had a steady stream of bad news over the past few weeks.  Learning of one girl's issue with MFI, another girl's chemical pregnancy and being told by a doctor that she was in for a "marathon and not a sprint", and yet another girls issue with bad eggs, made me not want to divulge my information. 

Not feeling comfortable enough to share with the group kind of bothered me though because I signed up for the group and fully disclosed that my issue was not with getting pregnant necessarily, but with staying pregnant (also considered by doctors as "infertility").  Some of the girls had issue with the fact that I was not doing IVF and mentioned to me that they were jealous that I was ever able to get pregnant even though I miscarried habitually.  I am the only one in the group who is not currently undergoing IVF or waiting on the bench to start (one other girl just finished her last IUI and is now moving to IVF).  This always made me feel slightly awkward.

Another thing that bothered me was the whole "buddy assignment".  I was paired up with a buddy who lives the closest to me, which was basically no one, so they set me up with someone who lives near my work.  She is a very nice person, don't get me wrong, but we have absolutely nothing in common other than the desire to have a baby.  She is 10 years older than me.  She was recently married.  She is being denied infertility coverage because of her age and her FSH level.  She is possibly looking into egg donation.  I am totally jealous of other girls in the group who have formed close friendships with their buddies.  They even have get-togethers with their husbands.  We are supposed to call or visit our buddies weekly outside of the group.  I have made attempts to contact my buddy through email and have even tried to get together (I got sick).  She hasn't even made an effort to email me other than in response to one of my emails.  I haven't even talked to her in the past 2-3 weeks because I basically gave up.  What's the point?

I attended a session about a week and a half ago and I found myself lying when people asked me about where I was in my treatment.  I told everyone that asked that we were taking a break and left it at that.  Basically, after I found out that I was pregnant, I started to get less and less out of the group because I stopped sharing.  I even skipped last week's session.  After finally getting a pregnancy announcement from one of the girls last Thursday, I decided to let the leader spill it to everyone.  I was nervous, but done with the hiding.

Last night we had a session where husbands were encouraged to attend.  I dragged my husband there.  He wanted to go to Crossfit, but agreed that he would go, for me.  The guys had their own session while we had a Q&A session with the founder of the program.  Immediately upon walking into the room, I noticed a different attitude towards me from the girls.  No one said hi.  No one made eye contact with me.  Everyone was kind of whispering.  It was like I was the uncool kid in first grade that no one wanted to associate with.  I felt totally uncomfortable and probably should have just left then.

I brought some food/paper products as one of those assigned to bring food for the evening.  As I was arranging stuff in bowls, one of the girls (who I actually find to be the most genuine and nice) touched my shoulder and whispered, "Congrats.  I am so happy for you."  I thanked her and told her how nervous I was about everything and she said she totally understood.  I felt a little better after that.

The session itself was ok although I felt weird because no one would talk to me before the conversation started.  I tried making jokes and small talk and no one would even slightly entertain me.  Most of the questions were centered around egg donation and insurance coverage, which I am not that interested in.  We talked very little about adoption, which I am interested in.  I really wanted to ask a question about RPL, but could not get a word in edgewise.  Several of the girls monopolized the entire conversation.  I didn't even end up opening my mouth.  I think I was the only one who didn't.

After the speaker left, and before the guys came back, the group leader started talking.  I had to pee really bad so I made a quiet exit.  I was only gone for 3-4 minutes at most.  When I got back the entire conversation had changed somehow to "elephants in the room" and people "dealing" with those that were newly pregnant.  Ironically enough, this conversation started when I left the room and coming into it after it was started made me feel really awkward.  The other pregnant girl in the room started talking about her experiences with being newly pregnant and her buddy quickly chimed in saying that she was so happy for her and that it gave her so much hope.  Other girls also chimed in and said how happy they were for her.  After all, she went through 4 rounds of IVF, I did not.  I guess losing 3 babies in a year isn't a big deal to most of those girls since I could get pregnant.  No one mentioned me.  No one acknowledged that I was also pregnant.  I almost felt like I wasn't even there.  This conversation seemed to go on forever.  At one point I decided I had enough and was going to say something to stop all of the tension, but then the guys paraded back in and that was the end of that. 

My husband came in and immediately sensed my tension level.  He asked if I was ok and I nodded.  We still had an hour of the session left.  The group leader mentioned that we finished early so she was going to let us all out ahead of schedule.  I was jumping for joy inside.  Then at the last minute she decided to do a group relaxation exercise.  I felt the wind knocked out of me.  I don't think I have ever been so tense during a relaxation, EVER.  I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to leave.

After the relaxation she said we were free to mingle with everyone else or we could head off.  I gathered up my bowls and tried to pawn off the rest of the leftover food, but everyone ignored me.  Seriously.  My husband helped me pick up and then I told him I was ready to go.  He said goodbye to several guys and they responded back.  I said goodbye and no one even turned around.  Everyone was busy chatting.  Everyone but me.

I need more time to process everything before I can write about how this all really made me feel.  I know that infertility is hard.  I have been dealing with it for a while now.  Seeing others get pregnant is hard and it fucking sucks because it is them and not you.  I hate it.  I fucking get it.  I have watched my friend get pregnant with their second child when I can't even seem to have one.  At least show a little compassion for me knowing that getting pregnant isn't my hardest battle and tell me that it is hard to hear about yet another pregnancy, but acknowledging my struggle.  Acknowledge that I am here.  Acknowledge that the hardest part for me lies just ahead.  Give me a little support since that is what the group is supposed to be about.

Needless to say, I will NOT be returning to that group. 

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Today was a very emotional day for my husband and I.  Neither of us slept very well and once we finally got out of bed, neither of us wanted to talk about where we were about to go and what we were about to do.  

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In all my years of owning a cell phone (since the year 2000, I believe) I have never had to hear the unfriendly reminder message that my mailbox was full and that I should delete some saved messages so that I could continue receiving new ones.  Well I got to hear that message for the first time today when I saw that I had 4 new voicemails and immediately upon dialing voicemail, I got the unfriendly reminder.  Oops.

My 4 new voicemails included 2 automated messages reminding me of my ultrasound and follow-up with my RE on Friday.  Gulp.  The next one was a message from one of my RE's nurses saying that they wanted to up my does of Levo to 50 mcg.  The message after that was also from the same nurse telling me that she had misread my chart and that I could stay on the 25 mcg as long as I came back for a follow-up in 3 weeks.  Sigh.  Another mix-up.  The story of my life with that place.  At least they were able to correct it without getting me involved.

After listening to and deleting the new messages I moved on to the archived messages.  I hate deleting old messages because I hate listening to them.  I hate listening to them even more so when I know that my last year has been littered with upsetting messages.  I had no idea how far back those messages went and what I had kept, but I quickly found out.

The first, oldest, and most upsetting message was from the hospital calling to confirm my D&C in March.  I listened up until the point of them telling me not to eat or drink anything for 12 hours prior and I lost it.  Completely bawling my eyes out.  Why on earth did I save that message?  Talk about ripping off a scab.  Delete.

Next few messages were from my mortgage company regarding my refinance that has been going on since, yes, March and is still not closed.  Reminds me to call those assholes tomorrow to see what the hell is up with that.  Delete, delete, delete, delete...

The next most upsetting message was from my RE explaining that results of my last baby's chromosome analysis was abnormal for isochromosome 8 and that is what "explained" my last miscarriage.  More tears.  I guess I just saved it in case I needed to go back and research it later.  Delete.

I had a couple of messages from the psychologist's office confirming appointments and giving directions.  No need to keep those...delete, delete.

After a few more stupid messages from the fertility pharmacy and FedEx, the last message made me cry, again.  It was recent.  From the one of my RE's nurses (the one I like the best) wishing me congratulations on my very positive pregnancy test.  I lost it again.  You can imagine my dog staring at me in complete wonder when I would cry, delete, cry, delete.  He laid his head on my lap and looked at me with the kind of worry that only a doggie has.  Gosh, I love him.

I didn't delete that message.  I couldn't.  It was the only happy one out of them all, but it still made me cry.  They weren't tears of joy either, unfortunately.  They were anxious tears.  Uncertain tears.  Worried tears.  Will I ever not feel this way?  Worried that at any minute the rug is going to be pulled out from under me yet again?  Scared that this child might have the same fate as the last 3?  I am trying so hard to be positive, but I am failing at that.  My thoughts always go back to negative "what ifs?".

Sorry for all of the really depressed sounding posts lately.  As Trisha at The Elusive Second Line mentioned in her post today, I am not always sad and depressed, either.  Normally I am a fun and cheery person.  I have always been optimistic, but realistic.  I am sort of all over the place right now, up and down, side to side, and I feel like I can really share all of those thoughts in this venue without judgement.  So thanks to you all, my therapists.  Thanks for continuing to read, continuing to really listen, and continuing to comment when you can.  You have no idea how much it means to me.

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This past weekend was pretty much a waste for me.  I spent most of it on the couch feeling nauseous and tired.  I would get up to do some stuff and then would feel bad so I would lay down again.  I took 2, 3 hour naps.  As useless as I was, I was secretly rejoicing for the fact that I have some sign that this might actually work this time that I have never had before.

On Saturday I went to the grocery store and almost threw up in the middle of the produce section just thinking about which veggies to buy and how to cook them.  When I woke up yesterday I had to suck on a Preggie Pop Drop so I wouldn't throw up before I had a chance to force my breakfast down.

This morning I woke up and I felt pretty much fine and that scared the crap out of me.  I did my hair and makeup with no issue (other than my hair falling out).  I ironed and got dressed with no issue.  Sheesh, yesterday I could barely get out of bed at 8:30 AM and today I was totally fine at 4:30 AM.  I fed my cats and dog, packed my lunch, and then came the decision of what to eat for breakfast.  Nothing sounded good, so I made some toast w/ peanut butter and cut up a peach.  I grabbed a coconut water and then headed to the TV to watch the news.  I could barely stomach the toast and choked it down slowly, not even finishing the entire piece.  I was able to eat the peach with no real issue.

Then I had lunch, which was leftovers that I had trouble eating yesterday and I ate that with no issue.  WTF?

Now I am supposed to be working and I don't feel sick at all.  I just feel like I could nap for a few hours.  I am back to my worried self.  Is this normal?  I have no clue if morning sickness is supposed to come and go or if once you get sick are you supposed to stay sick and possibly just keep getting sicker?  Do symptoms and their severity usually fluctuate?  I wish I just knew everything would be ok on Friday and then I could stop worrying.  Ugh.

So my symptoms right now at 6 weeks 2 days are just fatigue, intermittent nausea, of and on cramps, slight constipation, slightly sore boobs, and lots of white CM (TMI, sorry).  I am documenting all of this so that (hopefully) I can look back on this post in 3-4 months and laugh at how silly I was being.  Right now, all I feel is worried though.  :(

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Thanks for all of the thyroid advice!!!  I decided that it was best to start them ASAP, especially since the endocrinologist can't even see me until November.  They are going to try to get me in before then, via a cancellation, but who knows how long that will take.  I go back in 4 weeks for another TSH test.

I started taking 25 mcg of Levothyroxine, first thing in the AM.  It has definitely thrown my whole schedule off for a few reasons.  I usually take my vitamins first thing in the morning (I have been doing this for almost 2 years now) and then eat breakfast.  With this medicine, you are supposed to wait 4 hours before taking any calcium or iron supplements, both of which are contained within my prenatal.  I have started to take my vitamins at lunch and may end up transitioning to before bed if I find I am forgetting.

The pharmacist told me that this medicine might make me jittery.  So far it actually seems to be doing the opposite.  Yesterday I worked from home and took a 2 hour nap at lunch.  I guess this medicine can also make your hair fall out, which is pleasant.  I did notice that I lost a few extra strands this morning.  Oh well, I am hoping that the good outweighs the bad in this scenario.

Other than getting my thyroid under control, I actually started to feel sick last Thursday.  It seems to come in waves.  I'll feel fine for a little while and then all of a sudden feel like I could throw up.  It is worse when I am faced with a food choice and first thing in the AM.  Nothing really sounds good, but I know that the more frequently that I eat, the better I feel so I am trying to just eat and not think about it.  I woke up feeling pretty bad this morning.  It pretty much felt like a bad hangover.  Headache and nausea.  I pulled out my Sea Bands and so far they seem to be helping a little.

As crazy as it sounds to say this, I am so incredibly happy to be feeling sick at only 6 weeks.  I didn't feel at all sick with my last 2 miscarriages.  I did have food aversions with my first miscarriage (couldn't touch veggies) and craved carbs and cheese.  I threw up on the day of my doomed ultrasound, but I still don't know if that was from being so anxious or morning sickness.  I think it was the nerves.

This time I don't have any straight out aversions yet, just pretty much nothing seems to sound good and I feel queasy all the time.  My boobs are on and off sore, but mostly just feel heavy and full.  I am still having mild cramping off and on and some creamy CM.  That's about it.  Hopefully that is good?

Next up is my ultrasound on Friday.  Very nervous for that as you might have already guessed.

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Quick update on my TSH troubles.  So I had not heard back from my RE this morning so I called my PCP.  I told her nurse about my miscarriage riddled past few months and about my slightly elevated TSH.  She agreed to talk to the doctor right away and get back to me.

In the time that it took me to wait for her call back, I got a call back from my RE's nurse.  She mentioned that my RE was out for the rest of the week, but that she emailed back that there was no harm in treating me if it would make me feel better.  They called in a prescription for 25 mg of some type of thyroid regulating medication that I am to pick up today after work and take every day.  She mentioned that I should come back in 3-4 weeks to get retested.  I thanked her for her call back and hung up the phone.  I was feeling relieved already.

Almost immediately after getting off the phone with her, my PCP's nurse called me back.  Apparently my PCP thinks that I should see an endocrinologist ASAP (under the circumstances).  She gave me 2 endocrinologist references and asked if I had any more questions.  I really couldn't think of any other than my shock that 2 doctors could have such differing opinions on one TSH level. 

Once again the medical profession has left me feeling confused and alone.  If I had not asked to have my thyroid checked on Tuesday I would not have even known about this.  If I didn't have Dr. G.oogle and good friends who have had similar issues, I would not have followed up after getting the test results back to ask for treatment.  If I had not called my PCP, I might not have even contemplated seeing an endocrinologist.  Does anyone else have issues like this or is it just me?  Am I just too anal when it comes to my health? 

On a side note, I emailed the psychologist from my support group this morning to tell her that I am pregnant and that I don't feel comfortable telling anyone but her.  I told her I was on the fence about coming to the session tonight because I feel awkward and untruthful.  I asked if she could call me to discuss.  I have not heard back from her yet.  If I don't hear back from her, I don't think I am going to go tonight.  I hope she calls me back.

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Today's ultrasound went pretty well.  Thanks so much for the words of encouragement.  They mean so much to me, you have no idea.  I didn't achieve my full goal of #1, but I got close enough to it, I think.

The morning started off ok.  I got to the hospital an hour early since my husband had to drop me off on his way to a meeting.  I sat in the lobby and waited for my sister, who was about 40 minutes early.  I was so anxious when she got there that I had almost gone to throw up once and had peed about 3 times already.  She calmed me down and told me to remember to smile because I am pregnant.  I had to keep reminding myself this.

We made our way down to ultrasound about 10 minutes early.  I was seriously panicking as I walked through the hallway.  The hallway that I had cried in many times before.  It brought back more of those awful memories.  When we got to the ultrasound suite, though, I was happy and surprised to see that they had redone the entire area.  It looked nothing like I remembered it from my last visit so I immediately felt better.

My sister tried to make conversation with me while we waited to be called, but I was too busy fidgeting and biting my nails to really pay attention to what she was saying.  When the tech called my name I shot up and when she asked me how I was doing I sheepishly said ok.  Once we got into the newly finished ultrasound room, the tech asked me about cramping and bleeding and I was so confused.  Apparently they had gotten my charts confused and she had the one from my last failed pregnancy.  She profusely apologized for the mishap and definitely made up for things following that. She asked about the miscarriages and I explained them to her and told her I was seriously anxious about this because I had never had a good ultrasound.  She reassured me that she would talk me through everything.

She started with the abdominal ultrasound even though I told her I was only 5 weeks 3 days.  I told her she wouldn't see anything, but she insisted that it was protocol.  To my surprise, she did see something.  A nice large sac.  She could see much detail though, so she told me to put on a gown and that she would come back with the radiologist for a closer look.  Once I was disrobed and in the stirrups, she inserted the wand and easily found the sac again, this time with a yolk.  She told me I was measuring perfectly for 5 weeks 4 days (I was confused about the dating, but she said it was normal to be off) and the radiologist (who was the head of radiology) said it was a perfect looking crisp sac w/ yolk (my sister teased me about my crisp sac all the way home).  I didn't believe them so I kept asking if they were sure.  They reassured me that this was perfect for where I was and that coming back in a week should yield a heartbeat.

After the ultrasound, my sis and I headed up to my RE's office where I was having my appointment with the nurse.  The office was packed with people, but I was able to get in fairly quickly.  The nurse confirmed what I had heard from the radiologist, said everything looked great, and asked me if I was breathing a sigh of relief.  I told her I had many more weeks before that and she agreed that in my position it would be more difficult.  She offered to have my TSH checked at my request.  She also said she didn't want to see me for 2 weeks because she didn't think it was necessary.  I was totally fine with that.  The less I have to go back there, the better, as far as I am concerned.

We had trouble making my follow-up due to the overbooked schedule of my doctor, so the admin said she would call me back.  I didn't hear back from her today, so I will call her tomorrow.

So, I guess I am feeling ok about today.  We didn't see a fetal pole, but no one even mentioned that or seemed concerned.  My research with ultrasound pictures on Fertility Friend showed many, many ultrasounds that looked like mine that were either 5 1/2 weeks or even up to 6 weeks.  That made me feel better.  I am hoping and praying that in 2 weeks we will see the little flicker of a heartbeat.  Come on little one...you can do it!!!

*Note: If you want to see a picture, click here.  I have decided to stop posting pregnancy related photos to my direct homepage so you don't have to look at them if it is too hard (not that this first one is really much of anything, but I think you know what I mean).

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The title of this post says it all, really.  From the outside you would think that I am totally fine, but in the inside I am totally freaking out.  Tomorrow is my first ultrasound and I am dreading going to sit in that little waiting room with all the very pregnant teen moms.  Seriously, right now my stomach is doing flips and I feel like I could puke at any second (and no, it is not morning sickness, it is awaiting-imminent-ultrasound-sickness).

I have spent all day thinking about how tomorrow might play out.  I have come up with several scenarios (apologies for my psychosis, but I need to get this out and this is the only place I can do that right now) because I have to be prepared for EVERYTHING:

1.  Perfect scenario.  Have nice ultrasound tech who talks me through everything.  Does a vaginal ultrasound since I am only going to be 5 weeks 3 days tomorrow.  Sees a sac, yolk, and fetal pole.  Says baby is measuring right on target.  Pats me on the back.  Tells me to come back in a week to 10 days. Can you tell I have been G.oogling 5 weeks 3 days ultrasound?

2.  Not so perfect scenario.  Have an ultrasound tech that isn't especially friendly and spends lots of time fishing the ultrasound up in my who-ha without giving me any feedback until the end.  Sees sac that is measuring the right size.  Says it's too early to see much more than that and tells me to come back in a week for a more conclusive look.

3.  Bad scenario #1.  Have an amateur ultrasound tech that jabs the ultrasound around my ovaries.  Sees  nothing in my uterus.  Sees something in my tube.  Pregnancy is ectopic.  I won't continue on with this scary scenario, but you catch my drift.

4.  Bad scenario #2.  Have a stupid ultrasound tech that tries to do an abdominal ultrasound even though I tell them that I am only 5 weeks 3 days.  Pushes that thing so hard into my stomach and then has to resort to the vaginal wand anyways (can you tell this has happened to me before?).  See's something that looks like it might be a baby, but it is measuring small.  Ultrasound tech gives me a high probability of miscarriage, sends me to talk to my doctor, and the RE tells me to come back in a week.

Ok so I am thinking that these are my most likely scenarios tomorrow and honestly by writing all of them down I feel a little less anxious.  I am hoping and praying for scenario #1, but I know I can handle all of the other scenarios because I have handled them (or something similar) before.  Not with grace, but I have handled them.  I will get through tomorrow one way or another.  Just hoping to keep the good news streak continuing.  If you have any room on your prayer list tonight, might you please include me and this little one?  Thanks so much.

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I feel like I have not posted as much lately as I previously had before this last positive test.  Right now I feel like I am in limbo.  I am no longer in the thick of TTC, but I am not that pregnant yet either.  I am in no mans land.  The sad place that I have found myself in 3 times before.  Honestly, I feel like at this point, I can better relate to TTCs than to preggos and I am still gravitating towards all of my friends that are still waiting for their BFPs.  It is sad though that I am losing some of the very few followers that I had.  I guess they don't feel like they can relate to me anymore.  I know it is hard when others get their BFP.  I have been there for what seems like FOREVER, but it isn't like my previous 3 pregnancies have been a nice walk in the park.  The worst and most anxious part of this journey for me is the actual pregnancy.  :( 

For the past week I have found myself conflicted on how I should be feeling.  On one had I am very excited.  So far I have had positive news on the medical front and this pregnancy feels like none of the others that I have had so far.  My boobs are sore, I feel like I could take a nap at any moment, I am having bizarre dreams every night, and I am feeling weird sensations in my uterus from time to time.  Pulling and stretching feelings all around.  I am also starving all the time.  I feel like these have to be good signs, right?

On the other hand, I am so nervous for Tuesday and then the next ultrasound after that.  I am afraid to plan my life out for the next few weeks, just in case I might be miscarrying.  I am afraid to schedule important meetings at work in case I have just received bad news and won't be able to be at my best.  I am afraid that I will jinx myself if I start acting like this pregnancy might work out.  I am afraid to start using the Pregnancy Tracker on Fertility Friend.  I haven't turned it on and am still tracking my dpo on my chart because I have had to turn it off twice before and delete all of the pregnancy info that would never be.  I haven't yet told the Psychologist/group leader in my therapy group that I am pregnant yet and lied on my last progress report that I was cd3. 

When will these sad and confused feelings end?  When will I be able to feel confident about things?  Will I ever?  Well I have already passed my miscarriage 2 milestone of more than 5 weeks.  Now I have the 6 week milestone to get past and then after that the 10 week milestone.  Maybe once I am past those I will be starting to feel a little more confident?  I really hope so.

One thing that made me smile today was receiving flowers from my sister.  She also has volunteered to come with me to my first ultrasound since my husband cannot make it.  I am so grateful for that.  She has really helped to make feel less anxious, from her advice on visualization exercises to her advice on eating pepitas to help with anxiety, to her regular texts asking me how I am doing.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive family.  No matter what happens, good or bad, I know they will ALWAYS be there for me.

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It is hard to be happy for yourself sometimes when you know of someone who is going through something so terrible that you have also been through.  K at Our Growing Gardunn found out that she is losing another precious baby today.  Please go and give her some virtual hugs.  I am completely heartbroken for her.  The complete unfairness of the situation makes me so angry.  Seriously, when is enough, enough?  How much pain and suffering should one person have to go through? :(

It is so hard for me to be really excited about this right now, but I'll give a quick update on my beta #2 from today.  My HCG is now at 2324 (19 dpo) and my progesterone is now at 31.5.  I am again, cautiously optimistic about this as the nurse seemed very happy, once again. 

I am am also hoping and praying that things go well with my first ultrasound on Tuesday morning.  I know that sitting in that waiting room is going to induce a major panic reaction for me and my husband can't make it so I will be all alone.  Does anyone even know what they will (or rather should) be able to see at an ultrasound of around 5 weeks 3 days?  All of my ultrasounds have always been bad so I have no idea what a good one is even supposed to look like.  I have tried to stay away from Google lately.  So far I am doing ok with that.  We'll see how long I can keep that up.

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