A few weeks back I wrote about a girl at work that I found out was pregnant.  She had posted a cryptic "I'm so happy :)" message on FB that I was easily able to decipher since several of my close girl friends had also done the same thing when they found out that they were pregnant.  I knew that she was going to start trying because we had talked about it a lot in the fall.  I also knew that she was still on the fence about having kids at all because she liked having "her life" the way that it was and being able to go out whenever and jet-set off to the Bahamas for a weekend if she and her husband felt like it.

She was really supportive of me following my 3rd miscarriage, even though she really had no idea how I was actually feeling.  She had a close friend who had 4 (mostly unexplained) miscarriages in a row and then went on to have 3 kids.  Hearing about her friend always gave me hope that I might be like her some day.  When I got pregnant with this baby, I ended up telling her around 9 weeks because we saw each other a lot then and it was getting hard to keep the secret.  She was really great and listened to all of my worries and concerns and gave positive feedback.  It helped to have such a positive spin put on everything.  I really needed that.

I had not seen her much around the holidays because I was so busy with work and other stressful situations around the house.  We had talked and gone for a coffee here and there after Christmas, but not like we had in the fall.  After seeing the FB message, I assumed that she would be telling me very soon about her pregnancy.  I ended up being wrong about that.

A co-worker of mine, who sits right near here and works more closely with her in the office than I, spilled the beans to me when I commented to him that I thought she was pregnant.  Almost a month ago he told me that she was indeed over 12 weeks pregnant and was staying home a lot to cope with her morning sickness.

Of course my first reaction was jealousy.  Of course it was easy for her.  I did know that this was coming though and so I expected it.  It was not a shock, but it still took a minute to get used to.  After the initial pangs of jealousy wore off I actually felt excited to have another pregnant person in the office to relate to.  I could actually be the one giving the advice this time!

As the weeks rolled on, I still had not heard a peep from her about the pregnancy.  We have gone to lunch and coffee several times and she has not mentioned it to me.  She has asked me tons of questions about the beginning of my pregnancy though and how I felt and coped etc.  All of her conversations have been centered around the "if we get pregnant" or "when we get pregnant", I'll need to know this info, kind of thing. I must have played dumb pretty well because I don't think she had any idea that I knew.

Last week, I was sure she was going to tell me when she invited me out to lunch.  Not to be mean, but she looked totally awful, compared to what she usually looks like.  She normally wears a ton of makeup, does her hair, wears fitting (but still classy) clothing to work.  That particular day she had no makeup, hair messy, and baggy clothes on.  She was pale and definitely had put on a few pounds.  We sat at lunch (while she pounded 2 trays of cooked sushi, a bean and pasta salad, and fruit salad in the time it took me to eat one salad with chicken) and talked for a full hour and she NEVER brought up the pregnancy.  I asked leading questions about what she had been up to and the like, but got nothing.  She is going on vacation to the Caribbean next week and she only barely talked about that. She pretty much only wanted to talk about my pregnancy.  How boring.

I had another conversation with the guy co-worker at the end of last week and I mentioned to him that she still had not told me the news.  He was slightly shocked, but told me that she was dealing with some potential bad news that she was having a tough time dealing with.  Apparently the baby had a couple of down syndrome markers on the NT scan.  She had an amnio done and was waiting on the results.  I was more than shocked at this news and at the fact that she had not told me out of all of the people at work.  She told this guy who she is constantly bitching about and hates!  Seriously every one of our conversations includes her talking about how much he sucks.

I also heard from another one of my friends that she was crying in the kitchen about it and 2 other girls who she is not friends with were consoling her.  Hearing this made me upset because I feel like I understand everything that she is going through.  I have been there.  Why hasn't she told me?

I talked to the co-worker today and he told me that her test came back normal, so no down syndrome.  She is now over 16 weeks pregnant and she still hasn't mentioned it to me.  In a last ditch effort to see if she would tell me, I asked her to coffee this afternoon.  She emailed me that she is home sick and that it wouldn't be good for me to be around her while I am pregnant anyways.  WTF?  She is going on vacation next week so obviously she won't be telling me then.

I know I am just being irrational here, but I needed to get this out because it has been weighing on me for the past few weeks.  I don't know why this is bothering me so much.  We obviously aren't the closest of friends, but I figured that after I had shared a lot with her that she would so the same with me.  She is the closest in age to me at my work and we hang out outside the office occasionally.  I dunno, I guess I am just sad that she doesn't feel like she can trust me or that I will understand.

Ok that's all.  Just had to get that out.  Not even sure if what I wrote makes sense to anyone.

I normally don't watch random shows on FOX, but last night after a full day of painting in pain, I decided to relax and watch some TV.  The only thing that was on was this new show called "Mobbed", a Howie Mandel venture.  The premise of the show was to create a flash mob so that one person could relay a major message to someone else.

I just got back from a terrible trip to the shopping center.  I had to get some ramekins and a table cloth for Christmas dinner from H.omegoods.   I also had to get food for Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, and Christmas dinner from W.hole F.oods.  I also had to stop at the "regular" grocery store to get some things that they don't sell at WF like K.eurig & S.wiffer).  Now, I normally hate grocery shopping and recently I have been doing it alone every week because my husband has been working on our new bamboo floors.  It is bad enough to tag team it, but braving it alone at the holidays while pregnant is even less fun.

First of all it took circling the parking lot several times to find ANY parking spot.  I ended up stalking a mom and her daughter for their spot.  Every store was jam packed with people picking over the last few available items.  Luckily, I got what I needed from the regular grocery store and H.omegoods.

Then I battled to leave the parking lot to go on to the next one.  Somehow I always have 2 SUVs on either side of me so that I can't see when I am backing out.  It never fails.  I like having a small car, but not in a parking lot.

W.hole F.oods was a DISASTER area.  They had police directing traffic even though there is a light.  I was lucky to get in and find a spot their fairly fast as someone was just pulling out.  No shopping carts at the door so I waited for someone to bring theirs back.  Then I realized I lost my shopping list.  Somewhere between the last 2 stores I must have dropped it.  F*ck.  I was able to do most of my shopping from memory though.  The store was packed with the usual WF a-holes.  I complain about the bargain grocery store having too many illegal immigrants or people buying gallons and gallons of fruit punch with EBT, but WF has mostly stuck up assholes who don't care if they plant their cart right in the middle of a crowded isle so no one can get by.  Also, for some reason they stock the shelves during the day on Sunday so that is an added obstacle...EVERYWHERE.

People at WF are also known to shop while wearing headphones or while talking on the phone.  Today, some jerk-off guy was having a fight with his wife on the phone and nailed me with his cart and just kept on walking and yelling at his wife.  He didn't even hear me yell "ASSHOLE" at him as I tried to keep it together.  I always move my cart to the very side of the isle or in a place where it won't be in the way to everyone passing through.  He had plenty of room to get by me without hitting me.

When I finally had thrown (what I thought) was everything into the cart and made my way to the checkout I realized I forgot freaking kale.  I ran back through the sea of shoppers to the produce and thew the first one I could grab into a bag and ran back to the thoroughly annoyed cashier.  They packed all my stuff into 4 of my 6 cloth bags making them about 50 lbs each.  I guess I don't look pregnant, just fat.  $266 bucks was the damage.  WTF.

I made it back to my car and loaded the lead bags into the trunk.  Someone was already waiting for my spot so I hopped in my car, looked both ways, and then started backing out, only to have another c-you-next-Tuesday lay on her horn as she came flying through the parking lot.  I continued backing up anyways, to give the person who was backing up traffic on the other side my spot, and she continued to obnoxiously honk at me.  I gave her the middle finger as I peeled away to the exit.  Seriously, she couldn't wait 2 seconds for me to back out?!

As I drove away to my house, I saw the crazy lines of traffic trying to get in and out of the shopping centers.  Ugh.  Completely miserable.  Makes me question the point of this "jolly holiday".  Everyone seems pretty miserable to me and no one seems to have any "holiday spirit".

When I got home I took in a load of stuff only to remember that I forgot something.  My husband came in and asked if I needed help and I burst into tears.  Like hysterical tears so bad that he didn't understand what I was saying.  Maybe it is the hormonal overload and maybe it was the sea of jerks, but I just had enough and the thought of going out again was too much to take.  It took me a long hug to settle down.  Merry f*cking Christmas.

Bah Humbug Source

As I mentioned earlier, this past (extended) weekend was my crazy cookie making weekend.  This was also combined with registering at B.abies R Us on Saturday with my awesome friend who drove several hours to give me some amazing seasoned advice (if you are reading this...thank you again!!).  The whole registering process only took us 2 hours.  


Back to the cookies...  After registering on Saturday I got home around 5 PM and made 4 different types of doughs.  On Sunday, I took the dog for a 3 mile walk, went to the grocery store, made several more doughs and then started some baking and candy making.  I called it a night around 9 PM when my eyes started shutting.  Yesterday, I spent all day from 8 AM-9 PM in the kitchen.  Baking, candy making, frosting, and decorating.  Not to mention that I also put together 12 gift bags, with cookie lists and bows, for my colleagues and friends.  I also made up a few larger boxes for my husband and I to take to work and for my family members.

My feet were throbbing, my back was aching, and I was just generally exhausted last night.  I took a shower, which helped a little and was getting ready to wind down and turn in when I noticed some brown discharge/blood when I wiped.  Of course, I immediately freaked out.  I have not had any type of spotting during this pregnancy and I was happy about that.  Shit.

Of course I G.oogled.  To my surprise, I found mostly benign things related to my minor episode so I relaxed a little.  I did get out the Doppler and found my little guy with no problem.  I also could feel him kicking, so that helped, too.  I drank some water and went to bed.

This morning I woke up to no more brown on the toilet paper.  I felt a little bit better, but I am still going to call the doctor at 8 AM when then open.  I am guessing that they will want me to come in, but I guess I'll see for sure in a few minutes.  I am thinking i over-did it the past few days.  I am so tired and last night I really didn't sleep well.  We are going away this weekend, too, so the holiday hustle and bustle continues.  We have a Christmas tree, but have been too busy to even decorate it.

UPDATE: Called and talked to the nurse who said that since I am A Positive and it is brown and I have no pain that they are not concerned.  They said to call if anything changes (i.e. the blood changes to red or pink or I start having pain) and to take it easy.  Easier said than done!

Double-chocolate cookie bars.

My counter, taken over by Tupperware containers.

The finished project.

I can't believe that I am writing a post that is titled, "20 weeks".  Is it really possible?  The reality of everything is continuing to creep in.  I don't really have a big long post to write at this time, so I am going to share some bullets.

• My Thanksgiving went well.  We traveled out of state for the day to visit my husband's relatives.  It was the first time in three years that we had been there so it was nice to catch up.  This was also the first time that most of those relatives found out that we are expecting.  Most of them were very excited for us.  Some of them were pissed that we had not divulged the info on FB (ummmm yeah if they only knew).  Some of them had comments about my appearance (i.e. "Wow you are showing a lot for only 20 weeks"...how nice).  Others asked question after question regarding things like the sex and such.  We managed to stay quiet about that.  Overall the food was good and it was great seeing everyone. 
• I unexpectedly met my high school best friend for coffee on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  We were inseparable in high school.  We lost touch for a while during college and then picked up where we left off several years back when she moved near me.  She has since moved away and we hadn't really spoken much in about a year and a half.  It was awesome to see her.  We always seem to pick right where we left off.  I shared my news with her (she knew about 2 of the miscarriages) and then she shared her news with me.  She is also pregnant and due in April, exactly 2 weeks behind me.  I found out that they conceived on their first month NTNP.  That stung a little, but it was hard to not be happy for her.  She was thrilled and so excited to find out that we are due within weeks of each other.  I am excited to have a new preggo buddy to share stuff with.  
• Speaking of getting in touch with long lost friends...  I got in touch with my BFF from my home state via FB.  I hadn't talked to her in years (since 2009, at least).  I found out that she recently had a baby and I wanted to send her my congrats.  I had sent her an email in the thick of my miscarriages that she never responded to.  Apparently she didn't use that email much, but read the whole thing after I mentioned it and responded in an unexpected way.  She, too, had fertility issues.  She wasn't ovulating on her own and had to take Clomid and had low progesterone.  She suffered an early miscarriage before getting pregnant with her son.  Is it crazy that I am even happier for her knowing that she had problems, like me?   
• On the pregnancy front, I am feeling good. physically.  Last week I went to the gym 2 times and walked outside 2 times for about 40-45 minutes, plus a few days I walked 20-30 minutes.  I have started to feel stronger movement in there, but still nothing very regular.  I feel him more in the mornings at work and in the evenings after I eat.  I still use the Doppler every few days or so.  This baby likes to move a lot.  I normally would find him to the left of my belly button, but last night I found him to the lower right.  He gave me a little scare.  My symptoms are mostly hunger (all the time), itchy belly (using B.io O.il religiously, twice daily), vivid dreams (EVERY night), occasional RLP, peeing a lot (at the gym I had to get off the treadmill twice to go), and some discharge (although much less since I seem to have cured the yeast infection).  As you might have guessed from the comment I mentioned in the first bullet, I look pregnant now.  No more hiding it.  My next OB appointment is 12/11.  Mentally, I am doing better.  We finally DTD the other night.  It was a little awkward, but I lived to tell the tale.  ;)
• I have started thinking about registering, although I am still nervous to do that.  Everyone has an opinion on what you need and don't need so it is tough to know what to register for.  I bought some paint samples this past weekend and hope to get to that next weekend (??).  We also, apparently, need to start looking at baby furniture because I guess it can take weeks to come in.  The things you learn...  Oh and we got a cute gift from MIL.  Our first baby clothes!  Seems very surreal.

• Today I went in for cd21 blood work as instructed by the nurse that I talked to the other day when I was freaking out about possibly not ovulating.  My normal 45 minute commute to work was increased to a 2 hour commute.  Oh well, one day I will tell my future child about all of this and they will know how much they are wanted!  When I got back from there I decided to Google ‘21 day progesterone test’.  What I found is that the nurse didn’t really give me the best information regarding said test.  She didn’t mention that you are supposed to go 7 days after ovulation.  In a perfect 28 day cycle where ovulation happens on the 14^th, it would be cd 21.  In a cycle where you ovulated on cd 16 you would then go on cd 23.  Since I believe that I ovulated on cd 16, this would render the test worthless, right?  Good thing I trekked all the way over there this morning.  Just add it to the list of reasons why I need to fire my RE's office!
• Last night I got a frantic call from my pregnant friend (the one with the subchorionic hematoma I mentioned in a previous post) asking me if I could take her to the hospital because she was gushing blood.  Her husband is a state trooper and works many nights so he wasn’t going to be able to pick her up.  I rushed over to get her.  She was shaking with panic and felt very lightheaded from all of the blood loss.  Her neighbor, who was so sweet, came over to watch her sleeping baby while we were gone.  I got her to the hospital in one piece and her husband ended up being there to greet us, so I didn’t have to stay.  Luckily the baby is still doing great, but her subchorionic hematoma is still as big as it was at her last ultrasound a week ago.  She was released from the hospital, so now she just has to rest and hope for the best.  I told her that this little chickie (I am sure it is a girl) is going to be just fine.  She is a fighter and will get through this.  I am still praying for her every day!
• On a completely unrelated note, I am going to be an extra in a movie on Thursday!  I submitted a head shot and application about a month and a half ago not every remotely expecting them to call me.  Chances are I will be doing something totally stupid like standing in a crowd of people or talking by the camera, but it is still pretty exciting to me!  Something that I can cross off of my bucket list and yet another something to keep me preoccupied during this 2ww!