Two days ago, my husband and I were getting ready to turn in for the night when he decided that it would be a good idea to tell me how running is bad for me and will lead to my eventual death.  Ok maybe he didn't actually say that it would kill me, but he definitely alluded to the fact that I should let up on the distance type of cardiovascular activity or submit to the fact that I will die of some type of running induced heart malady (hint, hint, more CrossFit?).

How did this start?  My husband is big into listening to Paleo specific podcasts while he is in his car and it just so happened that the one that he was listening to was listing out the many reasons why cardio, distance running in particular, is bad for you.  I haven't researched the specifics of the podcast or the "studies" that were referred to, but I have since G.oogled "is running bad for you" and "chronic cardio" and I have come up with a plethora of articles preaching gospel on how endurance running is evil and HIIT (high intensity interval training) is where it is at.

Wow.  Where have I been?  Apparently I had tunnel vision and was only concerned with my reproductive health for several years so I missed the memo on how bad running is for you.  So I guess getting back to my pre-baby weight, regulating my blood sugar, and normalizing my thyroid function, and preventing PPD due to running was just a coincidence?

Rather than be angry with my husband for trying to convince me (yet again) why CrossFit is the best of the best in terms of workout regimes, I started to get depressed.  Another thing that I have done or liked to do that I need to cross off my list because someone did a study and concluded that it is bad for me.  Add it to the list of things I shouldn't do, shouldn't eat, or shouldn't use along with:

• Conventionally grown fruits & veggies
• GMO fruits & veggies, which are unfortunately not marked
• Meat of unknown origin (i.e. grocery store meat)
• Farmed fish
• Drug store cosmetics
• Anything made in China
• Fleece (lovely co-worker...)
• Perfumes
• Nail polish
• Johnson & Johnson products
• Dairy
• Soy
• Corn
• Wheat/Gluten
• Aluminum foil
• Cell phones
• Trans fats
• The elliptical machine
• Non-green furniture (lovely co-worker tells me this)
• Formula
• Canned food
• Phthalates, Sulfates, Parabens
• Tampax, Playtex, or other regular tampons
• Microwave
• High fructose corn syrup
• Tupperware
• Caramel coloring
• Yankee Candles
• Non-organic decaf coffee
• Anything with lavender
• The baby jumper or the Exersaucer (also, from the lovely co-worker)
• Sitting at work
• Purel
• Antibacterial soap
• Toothpaste with triclosan
• I could keep going but I think you catch my drift here...

It is getting really exhausting to live like this.  Just when I turn around and that that I have all my bases covered, with regards to keeping my family and me safe from the dangerous world that we live in, a new study comes out that "proves" that something else that you use every day and have used every day for your entire life is going to cause you to get cancer, Alzheimers, or some other type of incurable terminal illness.  I think one part that they leave out of all of these findings is what type of damage all of these studies can do to a person's mental health when they go crazy trying to cut all of the bad products out and stick with only what has been determined to be "safe" today.

Am I going to quit running?  No.  Am I going to give up my dream of running in the NYC Marathon this fall?  No.  Am I going to continue trying to cut out all of the potentially disease causing products out?  Ok, maybe, but within reason.  At some point I (along with others) need to realize that it is most certain that something, eventually, but hopefully many many years away will kill us.  It may be the accumulation of chemicals in your body causing cancer or it may be that you get hit by a bus.  We just don't know.  If we spend all of our free time trying to cut everything out then we are not going to be able to spend any time enjoying life, because friends, unless you know something that I don't, we only get one.

Here is my takeaway...  I am going to eat healthy when I can, but enjoy a treat once in a while (after this damn Paleo Challenge is over!).  I am going to use natural products that cause less stress to the environment, but still use my Givenchy Very Irresistible because I love the way that it smells.  I am not going to keep my son in a bubble, because eventually he is going to grow up and need to make his own choices, but I'll offer him healthy suggestions and hope that he takes some of them.  I'll exercise how I want because it makes me feel good, helps keep me sane, and I'd rather die a happy girl than a miserable one.  :)

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Thanks for the all of the comments, emails, and phone calls regarding my whole insulin debacle.  The second night that I tried injecting, I had success and every time since then I have been able to do it with no issue.  I think that it must have been first time jitters or something.

I have found that my thigh is definitely better than anywhere else to inject and that my left thigh is easier for me to jab than my right.  It is hard to reach around my huge belly.  Now, I would love to tell you that it has been working like a charm, but in fact, it hasn't helped at all and it has even made my numbers marginally worse.  How the heck is this possible?

The first night that I actually got the subcutaneous full dose, I figured I was golden.  I ate exactly the same bedtime snack that I usually have (protein shake w/ almond milk, string cheese, 2 biscotti).  I shot up (sounds like I am a drug addict) around 10:45 PM.  I had my usual 3 full hours of sleep, followed by a pee break, then several 90 minute sleep/pee sessions until I had to get up at 5:30 AM for the funeral.

Upon waking, I tested myself...freaking 98.  WTF?!  This was my 3rd highest fasting reading EVER.  I was so pissed.  I rushed around and got ready and wolfed down my breakfast (2 pieces of low-carb whole grain toast w/ chunky PB, 1 oz low-fat cheese, 2 pieces organic chx sausage, water).  This same breakfast the day before had yielded me a blood sugar reading of 112 an hour after breakfast.  I have been alternating between the egg white omelet and this breakfast for the past few weeks, but on this morning, I didn't have time to make the omelet.

In the car, I tested my blood sugar one hour after breakfast and it was 147.  WTF?!  I thought insulin was supposed to help your readings and not harm them.  I was now even more pissed and frustrated.  As my husband and I were driving we discussed me calling the OB on-call.  I have never done that before, but decided that should be one of the benefits of me going there so I called and left a message.

About an hour later the OB on-call gave me a ring and we chatted about my numbers.  She agreed that the insulin didn't appear to be helping, but said she would like to see readings for a few more days before making the call on upping my dose.  Up my dose??  My numbers were better without the freaking insulin.  How sad. :(

I went the rest of the day with ok readings.  I packed a cooler with snacks and dinner.  We ended up having lunch at my sister's boyfriend's house who lived near the funeral home/church.  They were very accommodating to me by making grilled chicken and salad.  They also got some cheese pizza which looked and smelled amazing, so I had half of a slice without the end crust.  My readings after the hour were great.  I feel like this is a game.  Sort of like, "Press Your Luck".  "Big money, big money, no whammies".

The funeral itself was so sad.  It was so hard to see my relatives so upset.  There is still no cause of death, so there was no burial because they are still examining him.  The casket was made of wood that my cousin was going to use to make his own snowboard.  Everyone signed it.  The service was really awesome though and the church was so packed that there was standing room only and they were simulcasting in the reception hall.  Luckily my Aunt had saved a seat for me so I could sit.  I think I would have been really uncomfortable standing the whole service, especially since I had to pee the whole time.

We drove back home in bad weather.  I was white knuckle gripping my "oh shit" bar most of the time.  We saw several bad accidents and narrowly averted one.  I was so happy to be home after all of that.  A terribly exhausting day.

Since Saturday, my fasting numbers have not gotten better.  They are still in the mid to low 90s.  Today was 89.  I skipped the protein shake last night.  I called the nurse this morning and she told me to up my dose from 7 units to 10 units.  Sigh.  I have another appointment on Wednesday so if things are still not better, you can be sure they are going to hear about it.

On a more up-beat side note, I was really craving cookies last night so I G.oogled until I found a good recipe for low-carb peanut butter cookies that were not made with artificial sweetener.  I was overjoyed when I saw the "diabetic friendly" label!  I changed the recipe a bit in that I added less sugar, some vanilla extract, and butter.  I think mine probably had less carbs this way, but I still posted the nutrition info so you can get the idea.  My batch made 22 cookies.  I had two of them last night for my snack with some extra peanut butter on them.  YUM!!

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So there is no new news regarding my cousin.  They still have no idea why he died.  The only thing that I do know is that we'll be attending a funeral this weekend instead of getting maternity photos taken.  A weekend that was shaping up to be a happy one will now be a very sad one.

To add some more mental exhaustion to the list, I had a regular MFM appointment today.  First I met with the nutritionist.  I was slightly concerned that I was not having enough carbs due to the fact that when I have them, my numbers are bad.  She looked at what I was eating and agreed that I am almost eating no carbs.  She thought I could add a few back in here and there, but not to stress about it because I have a good quality diet.  She seemed a little concerned about my fasting numbers and told me to talk to the doctor about that.

Next, I had a growth ultrasound.  The good news is that the baby looks very healthy.  I have a normal amount of fluid.  The bad news is that the baby is huge.  He is measuring about 35 weeks, or 5lbs 3oz.  He is now in the 83 percentile.  I was seriously crushed when they told me this.  I went from 63 percentile a month and a half ago to the 83 percentile.

Finally, I met with the doctor.  He took a look at my blood sugar readings and decided that, in combination with the size of the baby, he is going to put me on a low dose of nightly insulin.  FAIL.  He said that my readings aren't crazy high, but that they should be in the 70s/80s and mine are normally in the 80s/90s (with a 100 spike every few weeks).  We talked about the size of the baby and he mentioned that I wouldn't go past 40 weeks for sure.  He also mentioned the possibility of 38/39 weeks if the baby continues growing like this. He said that he doesn't like to induce, though because it increases the chance of a c-section and he would like to avoid that.  I am at least grateful that we are on the same page about that.  I really do not want to be induced early and I really, really, really, don't want a c-section.

After the doctor talked to me, I met with the nurse who showed me how to inject insulin.  She also wrote me a prescription for a breast pump and we discussed the pertussis vaccine, again.  I did not realize that it was coupled with the tetanus vaccine that I  had over the summer when I stepped on the rusty nail in the backyard.  The tetanus vaccine makes me quite sick, so I'd like to avoid it if I can.  I have to call the hospital where I had it to confirm that it included whooping cough.

I have to go back in a week for another growth ultrasound to see how fast this guy is really growing.  I am so upset though.  I have been doing EVERYTHING right and still he is getting too big.  I have not deviated once from the diet in almost 2 months except for 1/2 piece of cake at my shower last Saturday and I paid for that by feeling like total crap all night.  I exercise almost every day (yesterday I walked 5 freaking miles).  I only sleep 7 hours so that my fasting blood sugars aren't too high.  I have only gained 22lbs total, 1 lb in the past 2 weeks.  I don't know why he is so big.  The only thing that I can think of is genetics.  My mom had big babies ranging from 7lb 9oz (me) to 10lb 4oz (the youngest) and my husband was over 9 lbs when he was born.  I know that my mom and MIL did not eat this healthy or exercise like I am though.  I also know that they both gained way more weight than I have.

This sounds strange, but I feel like people judge me about the baby being big, like it was something I could control.  Clearly that was not the case here.  I am so tired of the "wow your belly is huge" or "you still have 7 weeks left?" or "big baby in there" comments.  I want to just hibernate for the next few weeks.

After a few weeks of feeling physically and mentally good, I now feel tired, depressed, and angry.

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This past weekend was my third baby shower and my family came from my hometown to help with is and visit.  I am not really feeling much like writing about it now, even though it was a lovely time.  I got some unexpected bad news on Sunday evening that has pretty much left me in shock and clouded the whole weekend.

My 20 year old cousin passed away unexpectedly on Sunday.  He was a healthy and athletic college student and they have no idea what might have caused his death.  I can't even begin to imagine how his immediate family is feeling right now.  I am no stranger to loss, but to lose someone full of promise at such a young age is unimaginable.  Hearing that they had to drive to his college to pick up his belongings just doesn't seem possible.  My heart breaks for them.  

I feel like this hasn't really sunk in yet.  I haven't even cried, which is so weird for me since I always cry when people die and I am "hormonally unstable" at the moment.  I am not looking forward to the funeral because I feel like then everything will be real.  Right now, I can go along with my day, since I am not near my family.  Later on this week, I won't be able to be in denial anymore.

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One of my blogger friends (All My Pretty Ones) who I have been following for many months lost her baby last week at just a little over 18 weeks.  My heart is breaking for her.  I cannot even imagine the pain and sadness that she must be feeling right now.  If you can, please go and offer her some support.  I think that she could definitely use it right now.

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I know this better than anyone.  I have lost quite a few members of my family in my lifetime.  One of my first experiences with death was losing my Grandpa when I was 7 or 8 years old.  I remember my parents getting a call telling them that something was wrong.  I remember playing in the front yard while my mom and dad went up the street to my grandparents house, thinking that it must be my grandma that was sick.  Apparently my Grandpa had died of a heart attack a few hours earlier while feeding the birds in his backyard.  That was one of his favorite things to do.  Something as simple as that and he died while doing it.  They actually found him with peanuts in his hand on his back patio.

A few years later I lost my Grandma.  She and my Grandpa had always had issues, but she missed him so much and was never the same without him.  After many years of smoking cigarettes, she got lung cancer and had one of her lungs removed.  She was on oxygen 24/7 and had to have a visiting nurse.  Even while on oxygen she still tried to sneak cigarettes and would bribe us kids to sneak them for her.  Then she started losing her memory.  That was terrible.  She didn't remember me or any of my siblings.  One of my last memories of her was having Easter at the hospital where she was.  I have never once in my life smoked a cigarette thanks to her.

In the next few years I started to lose lots of other aunts and uncles.   About seven years ago I lost one of the great Aunts that I had been close with when I was young.  She died suddenly of a suspected brain aneurysm.  I took several days off work to attend the funeral.  I remember how awful the ceremony was.  It was at a funeral home and there weren't very many people or flowers there.  I remember hugging the one grandma that I have left at the cemetary.  It was her sister that had passed.  I remember thinking...this has to be the last person for a while.

Then I got the call from my mom late Friday night telling my that my Dad had died.  Apparently his heart stopped while he was driving home from his soccer game (myocarditis & enlarged heart).  My husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) and I were on our way back from the movie theater.  We had just seen Flight 93.  The events that followed that phone conversation are very fuzzy to me.  I don't remember much from the few weeks that followed.  I remember being at the funeral home and having to hug so many people for so many hours as they streamed through.  I remember trying to hold it together for my little siblings.  I remember seeing my Dad laying there peacefully in the casket.  I remember seeing my Mom, Uncle, and my Grandma completely wrecked.  I didn't know what to do or how to feel.  I just felt numb.

I have lost many other family members in the years that followed.  My husband has been lucky to lose very few.  His Grandma is almost 100.  Having the 3 miscarriages this past year made me realize that life at all stages is so fragile.  I used to associate death with the elderly, but after losing my dad and my babies, I have completely changed my opinion.  Death comes when you are least expecting it and at any age so we need to live each day like it is our last.  You never know when your number is going to come up.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Yesterday we received an email at work, saying that one of our co-workers had died of a heart attack on his drive in to work that morning.  I can just imagine he left his family that morning expecting to see them again at the end of the day.  I hope that he at least told his wife that he loved her before he left.

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