No one may find this interesting at all so I am pretty much just documenting it for myself.  After having my first two post-baby cycles at 47 days each, I finally had a cycle of a more normal length of 34 days.  It might sound long to you, but this is the first "normalish" cycle (non-drug induced) that I have had since my miscarriages.  So, that means that it has been since 2011.  Wow.

I am still not temping or anything like that.  We are not TTC now (or possibly ever again), but it would be good to track my cycles for prevention since I have no plans to take any birth control.  We'll see.  I feel like if I take out the thermometer my husband is going to get suspicious and feel like I am trying to pull something.  Haha. 

On the subject of birth control, a few things I have noticed about my body since I have stopped taking it and let my cycles be as they will...  The major thing is the pre-period insomnia.  This is BAD.  I never get insomnia, but the past 3 cycles have provided me with several total sleepless nights.  Not fun.  I G.oogled it and apparently it is a common problem caused by hormones.  Who knew?  Definitely not a problem that I had while on birth control for 10 years.

I also have much worse PMS (my poor family).  I get super testy and more emotional than normal.  I am not the most emotional person, although I will admit that I have gotten to be more so since having a child.  In the few days before my period, I get mean and then weepy.  I never had PMS while on birth control.  I was always super even-keeled.  This whole emotional thing is a new challenge for me...and my family.

I actually have a sex-drive and it peaks when I am ovulating.  I recognize that this is just biology, but I NEVER had any really strong desire to have sex while on birth control at all.  Of course, I would, but it wasn't like I was ever really that excited (nice pun) about it.  This makes things potentially dangerous and condoms a mid-cycle necessity!

Another nice non-hormonal by-product is increased flow.  While taking  birth control I had very light 2-3 day periods which would start with spotting.  While not taking it, I have 4-5 day flow with no warning flood-gate onset like when I was in high school.  I woke up in the middle of the night to blood soaked pajamas during my last cycle.  Seriously?!   

The last thing I notice are the CRAMPS.  YUCK.  I did have them while taking birth control, but they are oh so much worse now.  So much worse that I have contemplated calling out of work sick. 

Anyways, now you all have the 411 on my cycle.  Have a great day! :o)   

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Yesterday I was having one of those days where I was really feeling like throwing in the towel on the whole blog thing.  Why do I continue writing?  It takes up precious time and I oftentimes struggle with what to actually wrote.  I am not sure that many people are still reading other than the person who Googles and randomly stumbles upon one of my posts related to: "does CrossFit cause divorce?", "diastasis recti", or "do long cycles cause miscarriage?".  If I pulled my blog out of the blogisphere today, would anyone know or even care?

Since I started blogging, back in the spring of 2012, my content and tone have changed quite a bit.  I have gone from a very bitter and jaded "baby-less" person that blogged about miscarriage, temping, and pee-sticks to a mommy that blogs about her post-baby body self-esteem, running, and CrossFit issues.  The pre-baby and post-baby blogs are almost completely different audience types and, with the exception of people who have been following me for a while and have gone through similar circumstances, I am not sure how many new and regular readers I have.  What is the point of continuing?  For my own personal health and well-being?  If that was the case, couldn't I just write everything down in a private journal?  I seriously ask myself this all of the time.

Yesterday, I remembered to check my blog email box for the first time in several months.  Besides mounds of spam from people trying to get me to give them a shout out or let them "guest post", I had a few emails from a few different women who were writing to seek my advice regarding situations that they were in right now that I had once been in.  I was reminded of why I continue to keep my blog and the associated email box going.  For as many people that no longer follow me and read my posts, there continue to be a few people who come across my blog that find it helpful and comforting.  They have found themselves in an unfortunate position and the cosmic powers of Google have brought them to my tiny little space where they have been able to read about what I have gone through, relate either somewhat or completely, and apply things that I learned or tried to help them with their situations.  I seriously love that I am able to help even just one person a year because that is one less person who feels like they are dealing with a similar issue, alone.

One thing that a lot of these women that write to me have in common (and definitely how I once felt) is that they are alone in their situations and in their feelings about their situation.  They feel like the time is going so slowly and that they will never "be on the other side".  I am sure that there will always be extenuating circumstances that will make it medically impossible (for one reason or another) for someone who has miscarried many times, to have a child.  That said, out of all of the women who have ever taken the time to write to me personally, I cannot think of one that has followed up with me, that has not be able to eventually have a baby...somehow.  This makes me so happy.

I know that I currently don't have anyone's "permission" to anonymously post their story (and would NEVER do so unless I was given permission), but I would really love to share some stories of other ladies, who have been in similar shoes to my own, on my blog.  Maybe once a month or every other month or something like that.  I think that reading stories of others that have "been through it" helps those that are "still going through it" actually get through it.  Having some hope is half the battle and if I can provide hope to others by sharing positive stories, I am doing a world of good.

So, to my readers, if you have written to me before and still follow me, have never written but follow, or have stumbled upon my blog for the first time and have gone through a similar situation as me, please write to me (and either tell me your story or give me permission to anonymously use your story that we have already emailed about) and I will share in a dedicated post.  Your story is important and may help someone else who is struggling right now.  This isn't limited to just miscarriage, either, although that is the subject that I seem to get the most response and readers for.  I know I write about other topics such as body image (such as diastasis recti), nursing, and marriage issues, too, so feel free to write to me about that.   Share your struggles and things that you have tried that have helped you get through and continue on.  Please think about it.  I may be putting together a dedicated page on my blog to share the stories of others depending on the response that I get.  You could really help someone, too.  

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I have been beating myself up about this for many months.  I have heard through many an infertility/miscarriage forum that having a longer cycle with late ovulation is a sign of poor or diminished egg quality.  Ever since going off the pill a little over a year ago, my cycles have been anywhere from 35 days (first 2 cycles off the pill) to 41 days (in cycles following miscarriage).  I verbalized my concerns to my RE who tried, unsuccessfully, to put my mind at ease by saying that a late ovulation does not automatically equal poor egg quality.

A few days ago, a girl in one of the miscarriage forums posted an article that she had found that completely refuted the theory of long cycles/late ovulation = bad eggs.  A gentleman by the name of Dr. Thomas Hannam posted an article with the exact opposite theory.  In his article he stated, "Delayed ovulation -day 13 or later- is not a sign of egg quality concerns; in fact, it is more commonly a sign of an excess ovarian reserve, generally a good thing."  Now compare that statement to something that I just found on BabyMed.com, "Delayed ovulation may be a sign of poor egg quality."  Another blurb on StorkNet.com, made by Dr. Sam Thatcher states, "The average cycle length is 28-29 days. The farther one deviates from the norm the greater the likelihood of poor egg quality, lack of ovulation. Delayed ovulation is also associated with an increased risk of miscarriage. The rate of infertility is very high when cycles are over 35 days and I do not even recommend testing for ovulation, just progressing with therapy. At 32-34 days you may be somewhat borderline for normal ovarian function."  Ok really?  Wow.  This doctor doesn't even want to give a longer cycle a chance at having a natural successful pregnancy.  Now I am thoroughly confused.

Back to Dr. Hannam, I read his biography and he seems legit.  He runs a large fertility clinic in Toronto, Canada and looks to be quite successful in his practice, judging by the patient testimonials.  I am wondering where he got his information though and how medical professionals could have such differing opinions on this subject.  I would love to speak with him and pick his brain about this.

A few other major points from his article that intrigued me:

-Earlier ovulation (days 8,9,10) can be a sign of lower egg quality especially if you once had a normal ovulation day and now your ovulation day is consistently earlier. 
-Spotting ahead of your period can be a sign of poor egg quality.  Apparently lower quality follicles are associated with less progesterone production.
-Shortened cycles can be a sign of poor or failing egg quality.

Ok so reading the article by Dr. Hannam, I would not think that my cycle length/ovulation days are an issue.  If you Google late ovulation and poor egg quality you get a million hits.  If you Google late ovulation and good egg quality you get  the Dr. Hannam article along with a bizillion other articles about late ovulation and poor egg quality.  What gives?  Am I doomed or blessed?  I posted a question to his blog about my situation.  I'll report back if I get a response.

References:
How your menstrual cycle reflects your egg quality: http://www.fertility.ca/2008/06/how-your-menstrual-cycle-reflects-your-egg-quality/

Long Cycles and Delayed Ovulation: http://www.babymed.com/menstrual-period/long-cycles-and-delayed-ovulation

Delayed Ovulation: http://www.storknet.com/cubbies/infertility/exst19.htm

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Anyone that uses Fertility Friend (FF) knows that it can be very nerve wracking to wait for cross-hairs to be added to your chart (a line that shows you when you ovulated and what your coverline is).  When you are TTC the stakes are high because perfectly timed BD is so important.  Finding out when you ovulated after you ovulated makes things even more difficult!  When you aren't actively TTC, it pretty much sucks waiting for cross-hairs.  The only thing I have to look forward to is AF.  Booooo!

For the past several months I have been using a combination of OPKs, daily 4:30 AM BBT readings, CM checking, etc.  The combination of these tools has been obviously pretty effective in telling me when I ovulate.  The problem for me is not determining ovulation, but the waiting.  Since my cycles are anywhere from 35-41 days I have to wait until around day 27 to ovulate.  Most people get AF on day 28.  How annoying.  Then I have to wait around 11-12 days to get AF. So I have a long cycle, late ovulation, and a short luteal phase.  I am constantly wondering if this has been a factor in my M/C.  :(

This month (my post M/C D&C cycle) I got a positive OPK on day 25, a big temp dip the next day, followed by 2 days of higher temps.  I am hoping for a higher temp tomorrow so that FF will give me cross-hairs on the 26 and I can move on to my next cycle.  I am actually surprised that I got a positive OPK as normal this cycle since I was getting positive PG tests 2 weeks after surgery.  I guess I'll have more news tomorrow.

On a side note, I am so happy to hear that Giuliana Rancic is going to be a mom in a few months!  I have been following her story for a while.  She has amazing courage to be able to smile and be positive after dealing with infertility, miscarriage, and cancer.  She helps me to think more positively in my own life and stop feeling like a victim.  Yay Giuliana!!

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