I feel like I am still so very shocked when I hit milestones.  First it was seeing the strong heartbeat, then it was making it past 10 weeks (past my longest carried pregnancy), then it was making it to the second trimester, then it was 20 weeks.  Now I am at 24 weeks and I am still having trouble processing that I am really here.

I know that 24 weeks (the age of viability considered by most US hospitals), is the point at which the medical community will try to save a baby if it is born, but I also know that a baby born at this age of gestation faces a very uncertain future.  It does give me some comfort to know that they would at least try to save my baby if things went bad for some reason. This is a first for me.

I found a very interesting article on babies born extremely premature (22-24 weeks gestation).  I also found these statistics regarding babies born prematurely:

Image borrowed  from: http://www.statisticbrain.com/premature-birth-statistics/

Obviously a 39% survival rate isn't great.  I think the comforting thing to me is just knowing that they would at least make an effort to save my baby.  With miscarriage, they tell you there is nothing they can do and you just have to wait for the inevitable or have surgery.  Basically, with an impending miscarriage, you have no real choice other than to watch your baby die.

I know that there are some ethical/moral issues surrounding trying to save babies that are born so premature.  They have a long and painful road.  If they survive, they are usually faced with serious health issues.  I read one article that questioned if spending so much money to save something so frail was a good use of funds (tax payer, insurance, private, etc.).  I think it can be easy to say that it is silly to spend a ton of money saving an extremely premature baby if it is not your own.  I think that if that baby were yours, then you'd most likely do anything and everything that you could to keep your child alive if there was any hope that they might be able to pull through.  I guess I speak for myself though.

On a different note, yesterday I signed my husband and I up for a few classes: Childbirth, Breastfeeding, and Infant care.  Totally not cheap...$300 for all of the classes, but I think that they will be worth it.  I actually had a very vivid dream last night that I had my little boy.  I was trying to breastfeed him, but I had a ton of trouble as nothing was coming out (and my nipples kept inverting!).  He was really hungry and crying so I let him suck on the tip of my finger.  I did get to really see him though and he was absolutely adorable.  Holding him and seeing him was such a nice treat.  I was so annoyed when my alarm went off at 4:30 AM (yes, I get up super early to make my 6 AM train...totally sucks!).  I only hope that I am able to experience this joy in a few months.  Yes, I'd like him to bake in there for a few more months!     

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For some reason I have been having weird pregnancy related dreams, or what I might equate to personal nightmares.  I have had 2 similar dreams in the past week.  In my first dream, I dreamt that my sister-in-law found out that she was pregnant by my sister's boyfriend.  The crazier thing is that my SIL is engaged!  In the dream, my husband was forcing me to write a letter to her telling her how happy I was for her.  I clearly remember writing the words in cursive on a decorative piece of paper.  The problem was that I was not happy for her at all.  I was so angry and jealous.  I didn't even seem bothered by the fact that she was pregnant by my sister's boyfriend, I was more angry at the fact that she was pregnant.  I would love to know what that one means.

Two nights later, I had a dream where my other sister announced that she was unexpectedly pregnant.  In that dream all I remember is being so upset.  In my dream I was sobbing so hard that I woke myself up gasping for breath.  I seem to have developed some deep seeded fear of others around me (mainly in my immediate family) getting pregnant.  It is like I am so worried that this is going to happen that I make myself dream about it so that I will have to deal with it.  This may be yet another sign that I should sign up for that program.

Unrelated item... I just finished my 5 days of Femara and am now on cd 10.  I think I'll start using opks again tomorrow even though I no I am not close to ovulating yet.  CM is always an indicator for me that I am close.  The waxing site has almost healed so it is time to get back in action.  Am I ready for this again?!

Totally unrelated to everything...  I went to see my favorite band, Keane, the other night and my husband and I were so lucky to be almost touching the stage.  The lead singer, Tom Chaplin, was amazing as usual.  Man that guy has a set of pipes.  One of the best songs of the night was a new song off their album called "Starting Line".  I think I have mentioned before that their latest album is so relevant to my life right now and this song is no exception.  Well when Tom was singing these couple of lines from this song, he was seriously looking right at me.  It was just the coolest feeling.

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