I have been struggling on deciding if I should or should not write this post due to the audience that occasionally reads.  I decided that, ultimately, I may help someone else out who is in the same position make a decision so here goes nothing...

About 10 months ago, my 26 year old (then, 25 year old) sister made the decision to come and live with us and watch our baby.  She had been away in the Peace Corps for many months and her tour of duty was ending right around my son's due date.  She was coming back to the US with lots of worldly experience, insight, and understanding, but without a clear plan on what her next steps in life would be.  It seemed like it was the perfect situation.  She would come watch her nephew while we got into the swing of family life and she could then in turn, get back on her feet and decide what her next move would be.  Since she didn't know anyone in the area, other than my sister and I, she would have lots of time, when she was not watching the baby, to work another part-time job or take some college classes to apply towards an eventual Masters in Education.  Win, win, right?  Apparently not.

The "deal" that we had worked out soon after she started, after a miscommunication right in the beginning, was as follows:

-Live with us, rent/utilities free, in her own bedroom.  The bedroom had a flat screen TV with cable, wifi, a desk, a bed, and a couch. 
-We would buy her whatever food she wanted.  She is a vegetarian so we always made sure she had vegetarian stuff even though we are far from vegetarians.
-We would buy her whatever "stuff" she needed (i.e. toothpaste, shampoo, etc.).
-We would pay for her full gym membership (included a pool).
-She could use my subway pass on the weekends.
-We would let her use the car if it was available and we would pay for it (gas/insurance/maintenance, etc.). 
-We would let her dog live with us, even though it was not up-to-date on all of its vaccines and we already had 2 cats and a dog of our own.
-We would pay her between $120-150 a week.
-We would pay her even for the days that she did not work and, as long as she gave us notice, she could take days off.
-I would stay home every Friday (and sometimes more than just Friday) to work and provide a hand.
-The hours would be 6 AM-4:30 PM (any extra time would be worked out ahead of time as $10 an hour).
-She could leave whenever she wanted to as long as she gave us enough notice to find another situation for the baby.

I thought that this was a pretty good set-up that benefited both of us.  She was going to be able to grow some roots, get her footing, and decide what she was going to do next, while we were getting a trusted family member with a degree in Early Childhood Education to watch our growing little boy.  It seemed too good to be true, and we came to find out that it was, unfortunately.

As the months rolled by, I thought that things were going really well for the most part.  B seemed to be happy, healthy, and growing.  We were all getting along well, even though my house isn't that large.  We had occasional bumps in the road, but I thought that we were communicating well and we seemed to be able to work through our differences.  We had lots of fun together including family runs, dinners out (which we always paid for), and spending time together in the evenings watching reality TV or sporting events.

My sister had decided a few months back that her next step was going to be to move to S. Korea to teach and not to go to school to get her Masters or a teaching job in the area.  It was her decision and her life, so we were obviously supportive.  She had some issues getting the paperwork together (some of which was out of her control) so she made an interim plan to teach at a summer camp for several weeks starting in mid-June.  This ended up working out perfectly because daycare was set to start mid-June as well.  We would have no lapse in coverage...yay!  Everything seemed to be working out so perfectly...

I came to find out, from another sister, that my sister was planning on leaving her dog with us (yes, the one without all of the proper vaccinations), but had not asked us or even so much as mentioned to us that she was anting to do this.  My husband and I talked it over and decided that it was not going to work to take her dog for several reasons, including the fact that my 65yo MIL was going to be watching B two days a week (FOR FREE) and would have to watch two to three dogs, including her own if she had to bring him, and the baby.  We had originally been letting the dogs out on their own in the backyard, as necessary, but just gotten our backyard re-seeded so we had started walking them 3 times a day instead because we are tired of having a backyard full of dog $#!t.  There were many other reasons that factored into our decision, which I am not going to mention because this post would end up being 100 pages.  I had talked with my mom and she had agreed to take the dog for the few months while she was at camp.  I planned on letting her store all of her stuff in our basement until she was done at camp.  I was ready to work out some type of plan with her for when she finished camp if she needed a place to stay while she was waiting to go to S. Korea or figuring out what came next.  I was willing and ready to help her out in any way that I could... besides directly taking her dog for several weeks.

Well, when I confronted my sister about the dog, her response was not one of, "Thanks!  That is nice that you have thought about this situation so much even though I never brought it up to you.  Let's try to work something out", it was one of, "I have sacrificed almost a year of my life and you can't do this ONE THING for me?!"

This is when the proverbial flood gates opened.  We came to find out that she had been harboring incredibly intense feelings of anger and resentment at us for the situation that she was currently in, for months.  She felt that we were making money off of her and not appreciating the "sacrifice" that she had made to come and watch B.  She said that we frivolously spent money on things when we could have been giving to her and that she could have been making a lot more money nannying for someone who was not a family member.  Then she proceeded to pick apart other aspects of the way that my husband and I have been living our lives (and what we were spending our money on), as if she had been silently observing and gathering dirt on us so that one day she could use it as blackmail to throw back in our faces.  It was shocking and hurtful, but I didn't counter back at her and do the same thing.  Even when she told me that we NEVER did anything nice for her, I was not about to go through and list all of the nice things that we had done for her to try to get back at her (although I could list a bunch of them, very easily).

Neither my husband, nor I, ever thought that her coming to watch the baby was a "sacrifice" at all.  We thought that it was a fair situation that would benefit both she and us.  She felt otherwise, but never bothered to say anything until it was too late.

She ended up leaving to go and stay with my sister because I could not have her in the house, caring for my son, with those feelings of anger and resentment towards us.  It was an incredibly hostile and uncomfortable situation for all of us, but especially my poor child.  My attempts to talk and compromise with her failed left and right.  I tried text and tried scheduling times to meet, but nothing worked.  She didn't want to try to work anything out.  She only wanted to keep harping on the fact that she had sacrificed so much that was not appreciated.  I don't feel like that was true for many reasons, but I can't change the fact that she felt like that.  She moved her stuff out at the end of last week and I have not heard from her regarding the situation, since.

Thinking back on the situation now, it would be easy for me to say that I wish we had never decided to ask her to come and "sacrifice" almost a year of her twenty-something life to stay with us and watch our precious son so that I could have avoided what ended up ensuing.  I am grateful for the time that my sister spent with my son during his very impressionable first months of life.  She was wonderful with him and he absolutely adores her.  He is who he is today partly because of the time that she spent with him.  I am sad and upset that things ended the way that they did.  I wish that I would have known that she was feeling so terrible a little sooner so that we could have worked things out.  My husband and I are both reasonable people and the fact that she felt like she had to bottle everything up just sucks.  Even worse, other people in my family have "taken sides", which hurts because they don't know the whole story.  They have heard one side of it and think they know, but they don't.  It has driven a wedge between me and other family members and I feel totally out-casted.  Everything is such a mess.

The past few weeks, I have been left trying to work full-time and watch the baby.  Yeah, as you can imagine, not so easy.  We had to cancel our family vacation so that I could spread the time out over 2 weeks and work while he was at nap and first thing in the morning and in the evenings.  Needless to say, I am exhausted and thus have not had much extra time for blogging.

My advice to anyone wondering if they should have a family member be their nanny would be this, work every last detail out before the first day and WRITE IT ALL DOWN.  Make sure the family member understands what the deal is and make sure that they agree with it and that they don't feel like they are sacrificing.  Some of these details include, but are not limited to: hours, salary, who pays for room/board and other expenses, vacation time needed (GET THIS UP FRONT), over-time pay, and an eventual end date.  Dealing with family and money is always complicated.  I heard it from many people when I told them what our arrangement was going to be.  I guess I thought that our situation would be different and that we could somehow defy the odds and both end up happy in the end.  I was dead wrong.  

The past few weeks have been quite crazy for me.  You can always tell when my life gets hectic in that the frequency of my posts takes a complete nosedive.  Here is a little update as to why I have been more quite than normal lately.

A few weeks back I think I mentioned that one of my sisters found a lump in her breast and had to have a biopsy.  She also got back results from a PAP that pointed out potentially cancerous cells.  She had a biopsy on her breast lump and it turned out to be benign (YAY!).  She ended up having a LEEP done on her cervix and has to now go back for monitoring every 6 months.  That same sister, poor thing, has had such a rough go of it lately that you would think that the universe would give her a break.  Not so much.  WTF, universe?!

She called me early last week and mentioned that she was having some numbness under her right rib cage.  That had turned into her whole right leg going numb and a feeling of weakness when she walked around.  She was concerned so she went to the doctor and they given her an MRI of her spine.  She didn't have the results back yet, but she seemed really worried and told me to pray for her.

Last Friday she called me in a panic and told me that they had found a "growth" on her spine and needed her to go directly to the ER.  She was pretty scared.  They told her that they were not sure whether she had an infection, a virus, cancer, or worse, but that she needed steroids right away to reduce the inflammation of the "growth" so that she would not have permanent nerve damage and loss of feeling on her right side.

In somewhat of an organized panic, I made plans along with two of my other sisters to rescue our sister who was in serious need of some sisterly support.  What we found out when we got there was quite different than what we had imagined.  There was my younger sister, laid up in a hospital bed on the neurology floor with old ladies dying of complications from Alzheimer's and dementia. She just didn't seem to belong there because she was young and healthy.  It was sad and depressing.  She looked so bewildered, but also relieved to see us.

She explained to us that she had another MRI of her brain the previous night because they were trying to figure out what she had by ruling out what she didn't have.  Apparently the "growth" on her spine was actually a lesion and a condition called Transverse Myelitis.  They had also found two more lesions on her brain during the brain scan.  She calmly, but shakily explained to us that the most probable diagnosis was the auto-immune disease called Multiple Sclerosis and that this was probably an "MS" attack.

In that moment, my heart sunk to the floor.  Why her?  She had already been through quite a few other health related issues in the past few months.  How unfair.  She is young, eats healthy, and exercises.  She is getting married in a few months to a great guy who we all love like a brother, already.  She should be into serious wedding/honeymoon planning mode.  So incredibly awful.

In the day that my sisters and I were there, we got to hear from doctors and nurses regarding her condition.  Some were more pessimistic than optimistic and vice-versa.  Regardless of her diagnosis, it was determined that she would have to stay in the hospital for several days due to the IV steroids that she was receiving which, luckily, were helping to bring the feeling back to her leg.  She also had to have a lumbar puncture (or "spinal tap") to rule out all other possible diagnoses, but would not receive those results for at least a week.

I wish that I could have stayed with her longer, but I am glad that my husband was able to watch the baby so that I could go and give her some support when she really needed it.  So now we just wait for a more "official" diagnosis.  For now, my sister is feeling tired and frustrated, but at least she is home and continuing to recover from whatever she may have (or have had).

Me being the person that I am did some research on MS and I learned quite a few things about it.  I figured that it was a death sentence and a condition that, at the least, would lead a person to not be able to use their limbs, eventually.  What I found was that that is simply not true.  The National MS Society has a ton of great information and in my 15 minutes of reading on their site, I learned quite a bit.

I am still hopeful that maybe this was a one time thing and that the conclusive medical results will NOT point to MS.  If it turns out that it is, I am sure that my sister will be ok.  She is a very strong girl.  She may have to change a few things up, but she'll be fine.  I know it.

I have debated with myself lately about closing up shop with this blog because it is quite clear to me, and anyone else who used to read, that I rarely post any more.  The truth is that I barely have time to go to the bathroom anymore let alone sit down at a computer to type a collection of coherent thoughts a few times a month.

I miss blogging.  I miss my bloggie friends.  I feel like every time that I have a chance to actually sit down and read, I am so far behind in each blog that I have to go back many posts to catch up.

So here goes, one last try.  If I can't pump out 4 posts by August 23rd then it is time for me to move on.  Stay tuned!

The past two weeks have been really tough for me.  This past Monday was my first day back in the office, full-time.  Last week I spent preparing to be back in the office so that this week would be less stressful for me.  I think I cried every night last week when I would hold my baby, thinking to myself about how unfair it is that I can't spend my days with him instead of going to work every day.  Mommy guilt is such a strong force.  That in combination with the sleep deprivation can be a recipe for disaster.  In the last 3 nights, I think I have had a combined 5 hours of sleep.  I passed out cold on my train ride this morning. 

My sister is graciously nannying for us.  We are so incredibly thankful to have someone with an early childhood education background watching out son.  This has not been without its challenges though.  She is several years younger than me and has spent the last 2 years in a third world country teaching underprivileged children.   Going from an unstructured and stress free life to a regular routine (complete with a schedule and documenting baby feeds/poops/sleeps in BabyConnect) has been more difficult than she or I imagined.  Not to mention that she is living with us in our tiny 1100 square foot house and is a vegetarian in a Paleo house.  To her credit, she is is really settling in nicely and is doing a great job.  I have not had to worry about B.  We decided that she is going to watch B from 6 AM-5 PM and then live her life, baby free.  If B were in daycare, it would be the same thing.  

Work itself has been fairly busy so that the days are going by super fast.  I have worked out a schedule of 7:15 AM- 3:30 PM M-Th and then 8-4 PM on Fridays, from home.  I am pumping 3 times a day: 8:30 AM, 12 PM, & 3 PM, for 15 minutes each session at work.  I also have to tack on an extra 10 or so minutes for clean-up (Medela no-water wipes are AMAZING) and 5-10 minutes to wait for the gentlemen that I work with to vacate the lactation room and take their personal calls elsewhere, so it is pretty time consuming.  The room is also pretty awful.  A closet with a small plastic covered couch, a small square Ikea table and one uncomfortable chair.  There are milk stains on the carpet and on the couch.  The walls are manilla.  It is awkwarly located near several cubes with no walls in which only men sit so they see me go in and out and of course they always look up when the door opens.  This aside, I have been pretty successful with pumping so far, although I know it is early.  Yesterday I got 8 oz, 6 oz, and 5 oz.  B is taking 3 bottles of 5 oz each when I am gone, so I am making more than he needs right now.  I am super thrilled about this.  I also have several hundred ounces saved up in the freezer for emergencies. 

On the topic of sleep, B has been regressing from his solid 5-6 hours straight, back to 2-3 hours at a time.  This totally sucks for me when I am going to bed at 11 PM and getting up at 4:30 AM.  It sucks even more because I am getting up at 1 AM and 3 AM to feed him because he is Houdini and can break out of any swaddle including the SwaddleMe and the Miracle Blanket.  He has also gone from going to sleep fairly easily around 7:30-8 PM to going to sleep but then waking up every 40 minutes and fussing until my husband or I soothe him back to dreamland.  We are going to try to move him from his co-sleeper in our room to his nursery this weekend.  I think we are also going to try to wean him off the swaddle again because he just busts out of it anyways. 

I was in a good groove with working out up until this week.  I signed up for my marathon and was running at least 3 days a week, with a long run on Saturdays (last weekend I ran 10 miles!).  This week I have not run at all.  Partially because I am exhausted.  Partially because I get home from work around 5 PM and then have to take care of B and try to put something on the table for dinner.  Partially because I want to spend time with my little boy because I don't see him from 6 AM until 5 PM.  Basically, I don't have any time to run.  I am not sure how I am going to run this marathon on a little over 100 days.  Also, my husband has not gone to x-fit this week, which is unheard of.  Last night at dinner we decided to work out a schedule that will start next week and will allow us to run.  I get Tuesdays, Fridays and Saturdays.  He gets Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.  If this works out then we will see about adding days.  I am going to bring out the BOB stroller this weekend to see if B could handle some light jogging in it.  I know that it says over 6 months, but he has had very good head control since birth and is extremely strong.  He can sit up in his Bumbo with no issue, so I am thinking some towels for support and a flat surface to run on and we may be cooking with gas. 

I feel like I am holding things together right now, but not tightly.  Things could become derailed fairly fast and fairly easily.  I hope things normalize soon.  I am not a "just holding it together" type of person, if you haven't noticed.  Haha.  I want to be in control of my life 99.99% of the time.  10% doesn't cut it! 

Time to go spend some quality time in the lactation dungeon with my pump and 1/2 caf coffee.  Yes, I am back on the caffeine.  At least partially.  :)      

I feel like I have not posted as much lately as I previously had before this last positive test.  Right now I feel like I am in limbo.  I am no longer in the thick of TTC, but I am not that pregnant yet either.  I am in no mans land.  The sad place that I have found myself in 3 times before.  Honestly, I feel like at this point, I can better relate to TTCs than to preggos and I am still gravitating towards all of my friends that are still waiting for their BFPs.  It is sad though that I am losing some of the very few followers that I had.  I guess they don't feel like they can relate to me anymore.  I know it is hard when others get their BFP.  I have been there for what seems like FOREVER, but it isn't like my previous 3 pregnancies have been a nice walk in the park.  The worst and most anxious part of this journey for me is the actual pregnancy.  :( 

For the past week I have found myself conflicted on how I should be feeling.  On one had I am very excited.  So far I have had positive news on the medical front and this pregnancy feels like none of the others that I have had so far.  My boobs are sore, I feel like I could take a nap at any moment, I am having bizarre dreams every night, and I am feeling weird sensations in my uterus from time to time.  Pulling and stretching feelings all around.  I am also starving all the time.  I feel like these have to be good signs, right?

On the other hand, I am so nervous for Tuesday and then the next ultrasound after that.  I am afraid to plan my life out for the next few weeks, just in case I might be miscarrying.  I am afraid to schedule important meetings at work in case I have just received bad news and won't be able to be at my best.  I am afraid that I will jinx myself if I start acting like this pregnancy might work out.  I am afraid to start using the Pregnancy Tracker on Fertility Friend.  I haven't turned it on and am still tracking my dpo on my chart because I have had to turn it off twice before and delete all of the pregnancy info that would never be.  I haven't yet told the Psychologist/group leader in my therapy group that I am pregnant yet and lied on my last progress report that I was cd3. 

When will these sad and confused feelings end?  When will I be able to feel confident about things?  Will I ever?  Well I have already passed my miscarriage 2 milestone of more than 5 weeks.  Now I have the 6 week milestone to get past and then after that the 10 week milestone.  Maybe once I am past those I will be starting to feel a little more confident?  I really hope so.

One thing that made me smile today was receiving flowers from my sister.  She also has volunteered to come with me to my first ultrasound since my husband cannot make it.  I am so grateful for that.  She has really helped to make feel less anxious, from her advice on visualization exercises to her advice on eating pepitas to help with anxiety, to her regular texts asking me how I am doing.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive family.  No matter what happens, good or bad, I know they will ALWAYS be there for me.