Even now, after having a healthy baby and not wanting another one right now, I have trouble feeling genuinely happy for someone else when I find out that they are pregnant.  What the heck is wrong with me?

Friday evening as my husband and I were prepping dinner, he told me that he had some news.  Being the person that I am, I just knew it had to do with someone being pregnant.  So I guessed to him that someone was pregnant and he nodded.  Then I started naming possible pregnant people.  I think it was my 3rd guess that was correct.  I'm pretty good at that game.

"Isn't that exciting news?" he said.

I should mention that they already have an almost 3 year old.

"Oh yeah.  Exciting" I said, trying to actually sound remotely excited.  "When is she due?"

"Oh it is still really early and definitely not public because she is only 9 weeks so don't mention it to anyone" he said.

"I guess she's never had any trouble" I said sarcastically and walked out of the kitchen, leaving my husband alone with his "exciting" news.

My reaction to the news kind of surprised myself.  I haven't heard about anyone getting pregnant lately so I haven't had to react.  Most of my friends are done having kids or are getting ready to give birth at any time.  There are a few people who are waiting in the wings (namely my Sister and SIL), but I am not even sure that either of them are actively trying at this point.  

Why is it that I can't be happy for someone when I find out that they are pregnant?  I am immediately filled with jealousy, anger, and resentment.  Shouldn't I be over these feelings at this point?  I have my baby.  he is healthy.  I love him.  I am finally starting to feel more relaxed and happy with things in my life so why is this one area still sore?

I am wondering if I am forever going to feel this way.  Will I never feel happy when someone announces that they are pregnant unless I know the full back story?  If this was their first try or an oops, will I forever be jealous of them even though it is not their fault?  I obviously wouldn't wish the things that happened to me to happen to anyone else so I am not sure why I feel this way.  It is as if my experience with miscarriage took away the joy and happiness surrounding the miracle of pregnancy/childbirth.

Example:  A friend of a friend had a miscarriage right around the beginning of her 2nd trimester.  She then had a lot of trouble getting pregnant again.  When she finally fell pregnant last year I was genuinely happy for her.  She went through so much to have her baby so I had no feelings of resentment towards her and I got teary when I heard that she gave birth to a healthy child.

Has anyone else who has experienced loss/infertility, but have gone on to have a healthy child (or children), felt or currently feel like I do?  If you have felt like this and no longer do, what helped you?  I really want to put all of the past in the past and move forward.  I want to congratulate someone when I hear that they are pregnant...and actually mean it.

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Yesterday I was having one of those days where I was really feeling like throwing in the towel on the whole blog thing.  Why do I continue writing?  It takes up precious time and I oftentimes struggle with what to actually wrote.  I am not sure that many people are still reading other than the person who Googles and randomly stumbles upon one of my posts related to: "does CrossFit cause divorce?", "diastasis recti", or "do long cycles cause miscarriage?".  If I pulled my blog out of the blogisphere today, would anyone know or even care?

Since I started blogging, back in the spring of 2012, my content and tone have changed quite a bit.  I have gone from a very bitter and jaded "baby-less" person that blogged about miscarriage, temping, and pee-sticks to a mommy that blogs about her post-baby body self-esteem, running, and CrossFit issues.  The pre-baby and post-baby blogs are almost completely different audience types and, with the exception of people who have been following me for a while and have gone through similar circumstances, I am not sure how many new and regular readers I have.  What is the point of continuing?  For my own personal health and well-being?  If that was the case, couldn't I just write everything down in a private journal?  I seriously ask myself this all of the time.

Yesterday, I remembered to check my blog email box for the first time in several months.  Besides mounds of spam from people trying to get me to give them a shout out or let them "guest post", I had a few emails from a few different women who were writing to seek my advice regarding situations that they were in right now that I had once been in.  I was reminded of why I continue to keep my blog and the associated email box going.  For as many people that no longer follow me and read my posts, there continue to be a few people who come across my blog that find it helpful and comforting.  They have found themselves in an unfortunate position and the cosmic powers of Google have brought them to my tiny little space where they have been able to read about what I have gone through, relate either somewhat or completely, and apply things that I learned or tried to help them with their situations.  I seriously love that I am able to help even just one person a year because that is one less person who feels like they are dealing with a similar issue, alone.

One thing that a lot of these women that write to me have in common (and definitely how I once felt) is that they are alone in their situations and in their feelings about their situation.  They feel like the time is going so slowly and that they will never "be on the other side".  I am sure that there will always be extenuating circumstances that will make it medically impossible (for one reason or another) for someone who has miscarried many times, to have a child.  That said, out of all of the women who have ever taken the time to write to me personally, I cannot think of one that has followed up with me, that has not be able to eventually have a baby...somehow.  This makes me so happy.

I know that I currently don't have anyone's "permission" to anonymously post their story (and would NEVER do so unless I was given permission), but I would really love to share some stories of other ladies, who have been in similar shoes to my own, on my blog.  Maybe once a month or every other month or something like that.  I think that reading stories of others that have "been through it" helps those that are "still going through it" actually get through it.  Having some hope is half the battle and if I can provide hope to others by sharing positive stories, I am doing a world of good.

So, to my readers, if you have written to me before and still follow me, have never written but follow, or have stumbled upon my blog for the first time and have gone through a similar situation as me, please write to me (and either tell me your story or give me permission to anonymously use your story that we have already emailed about) and I will share in a dedicated post.  Your story is important and may help someone else who is struggling right now.  This isn't limited to just miscarriage, either, although that is the subject that I seem to get the most response and readers for.  I know I write about other topics such as body image (such as diastasis recti), nursing, and marriage issues, too, so feel free to write to me about that.   Share your struggles and things that you have tried that have helped you get through and continue on.  Please think about it.  I may be putting together a dedicated page on my blog to share the stories of others depending on the response that I get.  You could really help someone, too.  

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The last time I seriously ran, since starting again post-baby, was in the winter of 2010.  The year of 2010 had been "my year"; the best year of running in my life.  I had gotten my 5k time down below 21 minutes (fastest being 20:51) and had gotten several first place age group finishes in local races.  I was running 35-40 miles a week and I felt great.  I was doing lots of structured runs, intervals, progressions, tempos, long runs.  It was great.  Life was good.  I don't think I had an ounce of body fat (ok, maybe an ounce).  

At the beginning of 2011, I started dialing back my training to around 30 miles a week and started getting "healthy" in preparation for pregnancy.  At that time, I had no idea how hard it was going to be for me to actually have a baby.  When I got pregnant so easily the first time, I had visions of jogging until 40 weeks and then getting into race shape the following summer.  We all know that those plans went to shit.  No one plans for a miscarriage.

Instead of continuing running, I cut way back after my first miscarriage and stopped racing.  I thought maybe my high intensity workouts had somehow caused my miscarriages.  Well apparently cutting back more, didn't help and I had another miscarriage.  Even though my doctor said the running wasn't what was causing my miscarriages, I still continued scaling back until I was barely running at all.  Ummm yeah then I had another miscarriage, at which time I was urged by various individuals (psychologists, acupuncturists, family members, & friends) to STOP running at all.  So I listened to them, thinking that they must be right.  I gained about 10 lbs and lost all of my cardiovascular shape and any muscular definition that I had left after scaling back so much.  Friends, I was miserable.  Mentally.  Physically.

Running has been a huge part of my life.  I started running when my parents moved me out of state junior year.  I joined the cross-country team to make friends and partially because my mom forced me to do at least 1 sport.  Since I wasn't very coordinated, I decided running would be my best bet.  I took to it pretty easily, although I could have tried a whole heck of a lot harder and been a lot better (in hindsight).  I liked running so much that I did track that spring.  Senior year of high school, I was the captain of both the cross-country and track teams.  Finally, something I was decent at that I liked!

During college I didn't run as much as I should because I was either partying or hungover (freshman year) or working (sophomore-senior year).  I ran to run off stress and to try to shed the several pounds that I gained from drinking so much freshman year.

After college, I started running more for exercise and to stay in shape.  At first I ran mostly outside because I couldn't afford a gym membership.  Then once my (now) husband and I got established and could afford the gym, I ran at the gym in addition to cross-training.  

In 2006, when my Dad passed away unexpectedly, I ran to stay sane.  I was sad, angry, and  confused.  Somehow, running helped me understand everything.  I would be pissed at the world, strap on my sneakers, and figure everything out while pounding the pavement.

I ran so much after my Dad died, that I decided that I could run a marathon.  I ran one marathon and then another from 2007-2008  I was logging a ton of miles.  I started getting burned out.  It was around this time that I started getting hurt.  Shin splints turned into a stress fracture.  I got runner's knee and then patella tendinitis.  I went to physical therapy.  I was told I had flat feet and got orthotics.  Then I got piriformis syndrome.  I was a mess.  My body was tired and broken down.  I took a break before starting back up after getting married.

In mid-2008 I started actually training again.  I started attending various running programs with a well known local coach.  He was awesome.  I made some really great friends and got better at running.  I changed my shoes and stopped always wearing seriously structured shoes and wore lighter weight shoes for shorter and faster runs.  By 2010, I was in awesome shape and, as mentioned, had my best year.

2011 through mid-2013 happened.  The good, the bad, and the incredibly ugly.  The body that I was left with in April was the epitome of out-of-shape.  Running was so hard.  At first running even for a minute left me completely exhausted and feeling defeated.  My body felt foreign and loose, like my organs (and boobs) were bouncing around.  Totally gross.  I started gradually increasing the length of my intervals until I was running a mile without stopping.  Then I started gradually adding incremental amounts of distance until I was running 3 miles at about a 10 minute per mile pace.  Depressing, yes, but better than not being able to run at all.

Once I got back to about 3 miles, I did something I shouldn't have and I started running with the baby in the B.O.B.  He was under the recommended age, but had good head/neck control.  I bolstered him with rolled up towels and ran only on smooth surfaces.  Running with that jogging stroller made my challenging 3 mile runs even more challenging.

Once I got comfortable with 3 mile distances I decided to do the next logical thing, train and run for a half-marathon.  Ha ha.  I'm obviously kidding.  Who does that, right?  Jumps from 3 miles, 4 months post baby to a half?  This girl, that's who.  I slowly worked my way back up to 10-12 mile runs with 2-3 other shorter & faster runs mid-week and ran that half-marathon in 1:46 (8:05 pace).

It was then that the race bug bit me, again, and I decided to start running some shorter races and work on my speed.  Between the half-marathon and now, I have run two other races, a 5 mile and a 5k.  I have shocked myself in those races.  The 5 mile I finished in 35:38 (7:08 pace), this was not far off from my 5 mile PR of 35:37 (ha one sec, but who's counting right?).  I finished my 5k in 20:59 (6:49 pace), which is not far from my PR of 20:51.

So what am I doing that has caused me to get so fast, so quickly?  Pretty much by doing everything that you aren't supposed to do.

-Running 3-5 miles at a time,4 days a week at the most, equaling less than 20 miles a week.
-Running most runs at an 8:30-9 min pace.
-Running mostly on the treadmill at zero incline.
-Not sleeping more than 4 hours at a time, consecutively, each night.
-Doing CrossFit 2-3 days a week.
-Being lucky to get in the proper amount of calories because I am always running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

While I was running in my last 5k race, I started to feel pain around 2.5 miles.  My legs felt heavy and my chest ached from breathing the cold air so rapidly.  I thought to myself, "This is nothing".  Compared to all of the crap I went through to get a sticky pregnancy.  All the crap that I went through during pregnancy, labor and delivery.  All the crap that I went through immediately following the birth of B.  Now that was real pain.  Running fast, pushing myself up and down hills and across a finish line...pssssh.  That is nothing compared to what I have put my body through over the past 2 years.

So to anyone who is thinking that they will never get back to where they were before they had a baby...it might not necessarily be true.  In fact, you might be able to come back and be better and stronger with less training (intensity/volume).  Mental toughness is half the battle and friends, many or you have been through the ringer.  Our bodies may not look exactly the same.  They may not feel the same.  We may have scars and changes that we don't necessarily love, but we have fought through, persevered and we have won.  Now we can whoop everyone's butts out on the race course.

Anyone else find that they are in better shape, post-infertility/loss/baby?

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Last year on October 15, I had enough time on my hands to go out to the store to purchase 3 candles, which I lit in honor of my three babies that never made it into my arms.  This year, I didn't have time to get anything new, but thankfully, those candles that I bought for last year are still sitting on a self in my dining room.  We lit them around 7 PM, right after putting B down for the night (he must have known mommy needed to do something because he fell asleep so fast).  Those candles have been lit and put in the center of the table during all of the holidays that we celebrate in our home.  It gives me comfort for some reason, knowing that my three babies are with me, in spirit.

I think that I have mentioned this is a prior post, but I feel like I think about my lost babies less and less now that I have B.  He keeps me busy all the time and brings us so much joy and happiness.  Maybe this is just the normal progression of things when you are dealing with a loss.  After all, I lost my Dad more than seven years back and while I do think about him on certain occasions (like the holidays and his birth/death dates) , I feel like it isn't as often as it used to be.  This is also sad.

I am thankful to Robyn Bear for setting aside a day to remember those babies who were conceived, but never made it into this world.  Since the generally recognized statistic is 1 in 4 women having a miscarriage sometime in their life, there are so many babies that deserve at least a moment of remembrance.  So many women still don't feel comfortable with being open about their feeling regarding the loss of unborn or stillborn babies.  I think this is due to the fact that there are a lot of people out there who don't think that dealing with the loss of someone you didn't actually get to meet isn't the same as losing someone who was living on the earth for even a short period of time.  Anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or given birth to a stillborn baby knows that isn't true at all.  From the moment you see the pink line on the pregnancy test, that baby is a part of your life and you start the mother/child bonding process.  I am not sure if I have ever seen a love as strong as that of love that a mother has for her child, born alive or sleeping.  The grief that ensues after losing a baby cuts deep and often the grief is kept inside because it isn't (generally) socially accepted.

Yesterday, I noticed quite a few people putting up FB messages regarding Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness.  It is sad to know that so many have been touched by it, but it is nice to see people opening up about it and sharing their grief with others.  The more we are open about this and talk about it, the better we will feel.

I am lucky to have found some incredibly amazing ladies to share my grief with in that of a group of girls from BBC back in 2011 that helped me deal with my losses, a group of girls on FF in 2012 who helped me get through my pregnancy with B, and so many lovely ladies through the creation of this blog that have stuck with me through thick and thin.  I never would have managed without the support group that I have had.

I want to say thank you again to everyone who has helped me through some of the darkest times in my life and has understood that I lost my babies and didn't just suffer three "missed abortions".  Thank you for continually keeping me in your thoughts and cheering me on in the good times and the bad times.  I am eternally grateful to you all.  To those of you that were honoring your missed babies last night, I am thinking of you all, too.  They may be gone from this earth, but they will never ever be forgotten.  XOXO    

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Last night some type of miracle occurred and B decided to go to sleep right at bedtime instead of his usual fussing and thrashing routine.  Mommy had to work on the holiday yesterday so Daddy Daycare must have done something special to really tire out my active little tot.  Since B went down so early, I had time to eat dinner, drink a fabulous IPA, and relax on the couch with my iPad and one of my favorite apps, Zite.

I am not sure if you have ever heard of Zite, but it is an app that lets you enter the topics that you are most interested in and it delivers articles from around the web to you in an easy to read format.  My favorite topics range from "Celebrity Gossip" to "Running" to "Baking".  I also have three regularly visited topics in "Pregnancy", "Breastfeeding", and "Infertility".

Inevitably there are stories in each of the above mentioned categories that are shocking (Egh!  Kim Kardashian hasn't yet lost all of the baby weight!), but many times I come across really good articles that I would love to discuss in a blog post, but I either forget or I don't have time.  Last night I came across an interesting one within the "Infertility" topic regarding BPA and increased miscarriage risk.

The articles that I read didn't go into the detail that I wanted so I ended up linking back to the ASRM website for a press release with more information on the topic.  This press release actually had three studies mentioned that were all interesting that the newspaper articles had not even mentioned.  In a nutshell, here is what the studies showed:

1.  The first study, by Texas A&M Rural School of Public Health and the NY State Department of Health, tested the BPA/phthalate levels of 501 couples that were TTC.  It was found that the men that had higher phthlate levels had about a 20% decrease in fertility.  It was also noted that higher BPA concentrations in the females did NOT appear to decrease fertility, but in some cases higher BPA levels were associated with a shorter time to pregnancy.

2.  Another study from Stanford University, the University of California San Francisco and the University of Missouri, followed 114 newly pregnant women (4-5 weeks) and took their blood, which was tested following a birth or a miscarriage.  They found that women who had miscarriages had higher average levels of BPA in their blood. 

3.  A third Chinese study showed that women with PCOS that had higher BPA levels in their follicular fluid, may have an abnormal accumulation of androgen hormones.

Even though the FDA has only banned BPA from certain baby products (including bottles), their website recommends that all people avoid eating or drinking out of recyclable containers that are marked with a 3 or 7 (even though not all BPA containing bottles are marked).  They also recommend not putting boiling liquids into BPA containers or using them if they are scratched.  They don't really mention avoiding cans lined with BPA, which is difficult to do if you want to consume anything in a can.  When I think back to all of the scratched Tupperware containers that we microwaved and ate out of when I was younger...aye aye aye.

To me, it isn't shocking that they are finding out that so many of the chemicals that we manufacture are actually doing way more harm than they are good.  It seems like the cycle is that we come up with some great product that withstands high heat or that seals watertight and then 15-20 years later we find that it causes cancer or other issues.  Asbestos, (partially) hydrogenated oils, mercury...  I have a friend who 15 years older than me who used to break open thermometers to play with the mercury.  If they only knew then what what we know now, right?

I guess the moral of the story is that you never really know what effects the products that you use every day might have on you later in life or on your (unborn) child.  Do I think that BPA had any hand in causing my miscarriages?  I guess I could never really be certain since I did not have my levels checked.  I for one drink way too much water out of plastic bottles because the water at our house tastes like crap and I am sure has all sorts of nastiness in it.  Pick your poison, I guess.

I think the only thing that we can do is to try to live as close to the earth as possible, which seems to be getting harder and harder to do.  Eating fresh local foods that are in season and being cognizant of the chemicals that are contained within the products that we use regularly could only help us.  Check out the NRDC website for more comprehensive information on the topic, but prepare to be scared.

Do you avoid BPA and other chemicals that have been linked to causing issues in humans?  How do you do it?  I am always curious to hear things that I could be doing differently to help keep my family safe.  

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I can't even believe that it has been a little over one year since I found out that I was pregnant with my baby B.  After so many months of testing and going through the pain of losing pregnancy after pregnancy, I finally got another positive pregnancy test and another hope of a take home baby.

Of course, the road through the pregnancy was long and uncertain.  I was never sure if my doctor's visit would yield a positive or negative outcome.  I developed serious anxiety around going to the doctor to the point where my blood pressure was borderline high.  Ultrasounds were the absolute worst.  Silence from the technician was my cue for tears. I was petrified to "graduate" from the RE to an OB because it might jinx my situation.  Each test was more reason for headaches, sweaty palms, and stomach aches.  The Doppler became my best friend and my worst enemy.  Food aversions and nausea also plagued the first half of my pregnancy.  Thyroid issues, shingles, diabetes, PUPPPs...made the second half of my pregnancy even less enjoyable.  Even in the last few weeks of my pregnancy I still worried that I might not get to see my baby.  Fears of still birth raided my dreams at night.

From the second that I saw my baby's face, I knew that everything that I went through was worth it.  All of the memories of struggle and heartache in the beginning and all of the trials and tribulations of pregnancy and childbirth were pushed to the back of my mind.  If you asked me a year ago at this time where I would be today, I would never have guessed that I would be a mommy to an almost 4 month old.  I was convinced that I would never be able to carry a baby to term, but also more determined than ever to prove myself wrong.

Some people have been following my blog for a while now and others have stumbled upon it recently while searching for info regarding long cycles and late ovulation.  Still others seem to land here via a random Google search about miscarriages, looking for hope that their situation might have been experienced by someone else out in the universe who has ultimately been able to have a healthy baby.  My message to anyone looking for advice, guidance, or support would be this: never give up!  The journey my not always be easy.  There may be many bumps in the road.  There may be unexpected twists and turns.  There may be sadness and heartache, too.  Your journey may be easier or harder than mine.  Everyone's is different.  I think that it was all worth everything that I went through, for me anyways.

I wish anyone who reads this blog and is going through the same crap that I went through, the best of luck.  As always, I love hearing from people and though I might not always be the fastest to respond these days, I will write back to you!  Any support that I can give you, I will!

XOXO

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I think I have developed some type of a sixth sense when it comes to sensing others who are going through infertility and loss.  I feel like I can find these people now or maybe they find me.  I am not sure if anyone else feels like this?  Maybe it is because I am pretty reserved when it comes to talking about this pregnancy or being pregnant with others.  I still am worried about jinxing myself at 37 weeks.  For me, nothing is certain.  Until this baby is in my arms, I will worry.  And then I will just have a different, but whole new, set of worries...

There is a guy at work who's wife went though infertility treatments and they conceived twins only to lose one.  They were never able to have more children.  Somehow this came up one day when we were chatting. Totally random, but now I feel a connection with him that I didn't previously have.

In my childbirth class a few weeks ago, we sat next to an older couple (early 40s).  I had a hunch that they had trouble, but obviously I would never ask.  When it came time to share information, I found out that she had gone through IVF after having some trouble and was delivering at another great hospital near mine.  We immediately "got" each other.

So this brings me to my beautician.  I have only been seeing her for a year now and only because the girl who used to cut my hair for almost 5 years moved.  It was really random that I started seeing this other girl because it was not who the girl I was seeing referred me to.  Anyways, she is about my age.  She is married and has a dog.  She does yoga.  She is a vegetarian.  We have a lot in common.  I see her about every 8-10 weeks or so and we have really good conversations.  When I told her I was pregnant, she was very kind and asked lots of questions, but I could tell that something was off.  I was (and am) still feeling worried about my pregnancy so I was reserved with the info that I offered.  I just had a hunch that she was having difficulties.  Again, I would never have said anything to her about it.

Last weekend I had an appointment.  I got 2 inches chopped (my hair is pretty long right now)!  I am not sure how the subject came up, but it was definitely organic.  I think it started with me talking about my GD and thyroid issues while being pregnant.  She mentioned that they had been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years and had a miscarriage around 10 weeks.  It was at that point that I felt obligated to offer her my information.  It was amazing how the conversation developed at that point.  We had so much more in common than I ever though.  We had been going to the same doctor and both had switched because we hated how they treated our miscarriages.  She had just started on her 3rd round of Clomid and it failed.  She had been pretty upset about it.  I mentioned Femara to her and recommended my RE.  She said that she was in the process of looking for one.  She was a loyal temper and charter and used F.ertility F.riend.  I could feel her pain as she talked to me.  I wanted to give her a hug.

I think that her listening to my trouble and seeing that I was pregnant made her feel better finally where I am sure she once dreaded my visits.  If she is anything like me (which I think she is based on everything we have talked about) knowing that someone didn't have it easy when it came to getting pregnant makes it easier to deal with them when they are pregnant.  It sounds terrible, but it is so true.

It is just so crazy how infertility and pregnancy loss affects so many people.  Before I went through all of this, I never even thought about it.  Now I feel like I am sure tuned into it.  I honestly feel like I am a better more compassionate and understanding person because of it.

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Yesterday I had my 36 week appointment (36 weeks, 3 days).  From here on out I have weekly biophysical profiles instead of NSTs and bi-weekly growth ultrasounds due to the GD.  I like having them on Monday mornings because it gives me something to look forward to regarding the beginning of the week!

The BPP this week was done by a guy.  I don't think that I have had a guy do an ultrasound for me since during my miscarriage days.  I was sort of disappointed because my experience with the guy wasn't great, but also the circumstances were not great that time either so that probably jaded me.  This guy was really friendly right off the bat.  He asked me the usual questions and after my usual pre-ultrasound bathroom break, he went to work, checking out baby boy.

He passed the BPP with flying colors.  He was practicing breathing and we caught him yawning several times.  He was sucking his thumb most of the time.  Head is still down.  The only thing that was slightly concerning was the measured amniotic fluid level is now on the high side of normal up from the low side of normal.

Without me asking, the tech flipped to 3D and was determined to get a good shot of this little guy's face.  After a little coaxing the baby's hand out of the way, he was able to get a great shot (scroll to the bottom).  My baby looks like a real baby and not a ghost!

I met briefly with the doctor who was happy with the BPP results.  We briefly talked about the amniotic fluid and he said that he was not concerned since it was still in the normal range and it is a subjective measurement that differs from tech to tech.  He said that if they saw an abnormal amount that they would have mentioned it on the report for sure (they are a high risk u/s and see thousands of high risk patients a month).  We talked about my blood sugar readings which have been getting better.  My fastings have been in the 70s/80s for the past week.  He said that this could signal that the placenta is producing less hormones and that labor/delivery might not be that far away.  He said to keep monitoring it and they will check next week.  Based on my blood sugar readings he guessed that I might not make my due date.  I told him I would not be upset about that.  :)

My next appointment is next Monday...37 weeks, 3 days.  I'll be full term!!  It is amazing what can happen in a year.  Last year at this time I was one day away from finding out the baby that I was carrying was not viable.  The heartbeat was only 80 and was small for gestational age.  That time was one of the darkest in my life and I have never been so depressed.  I never thought that a year from that point, I would be carrying this little guy and be almost ready to meet him.  I am so incredibly blessed to be where I am right now.  As hard as it was to get here and how this pregnancy has not been the easiest at times, I know that I am so incredibly lucky.  I honestly thought that I would never be able to carry a baby past 10 weeks.  I thought I was defective.  I don't know what happened and I am not sure that I will ever know.  I do know that I have a beautiful baby boy on the way and I am so thrilled to hold him, kiss him, and be his mommy.

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One of my blogger friends (All My Pretty Ones) who I have been following for many months lost her baby last week at just a little over 18 weeks.  My heart is breaking for her.  I cannot even imagine the pain and sadness that she must be feeling right now.  If you can, please go and offer her some support.  I think that she could definitely use it right now.

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I totally forgot that my trip to see my family was coinciding with this month's ICLW that I signed up for.  I was wondering why I was getting so many random comments until I saw that one mentioned ICLW.  Ooops.  I am a little bit behind in my commenting and blogging, but I promise that I will make up for it this week!

I am going to pull some bullets here to catch up on some things for this post, but if I have time later I think I'll start into one of the posts that I have wanted to write about since last week. 

• My trip to see my family was really nice.  I got to celebrate my little sister's sweet 16 and the work that I thought would be ready for me to complete while I was there wasn't done in time so I didn't really have to do much except for respond to a few emails via BlackBerry.  I hung out with my Mom and Grandma mostly, but also got to spend some quality time with my two brothers and sister that still live at home.  We went out for lunch and went for some walks on the bike trail.  The weather was nice on a few days so we got to enjoy the lovely fall colors.  Yesterday, right before my flight back home, I asked my Mom to stop by the florist so that I could get some flowers to put on my Dad's grave.  Yesterday was what would have been his 56th birthday.  My Grandma (his Mom) went with us, but had a really tough time being at the cemetery.  She had not been there since his funeral 6 1/2 years ago.  It was hard to see her crying because she is usually so strong.  I was glad that I went though.  I know he isn't really there, but I felt like he was, in spirit.
• So far I have completed 2 therapy sessions with my new therapist.  So far, I really like her.  She is an older lady who has an extremely calming personality.  Her office overlooks a pond, so it is very peaceful there.  The first visit she spent mostly getting to know me and the second visit she focused more on getting my anxiety (surrounding pregnancy) under control with some guided deep meditation.  She also helped me deal with the small amount of anxiety that I was feeling about flying in general and flying while pregnant.  It really helped me because I did not have my usual anxiety-ridden flight.   My next appointment is Nov. 1.  I really am starting to feel way more relaxed, in general.  I am not sure if it is the therapy or just the natural progression of things.
• I found out a week and a half ago that the friend that I mentioned in a previous post that was pregnant and due in May after 5 miscarriages and 1 live birth (from IVF), had yet another miscarriage.  She went in for her 8 week ultrasound and the baby had no heartbeat.  She ended up having a D&C yesterday (her 4th).  I feel so bad for her.  I know exactly how she is feeling, yet I wasn't sure what to say to her when I found out.  How do you console someone who is losing their 6th baby?  I let her know that I am here for her and sent her some flowers.  I am hoping to walk with her at the end of the week.  She is amazingly strong and is going in to her fertility clinic today to try to get some answers.  I really hope they can give her some hope.
• I got the second part of my quad-screen blood taken last Tuesday.  I arrived at the hospital right at 7 AM hoping to get in and out.  Turns out that I had the wrong paperwork and the lab would not draw my blood until I had the right papers.  I had to wait until 8 AM until the doctor's office opened so that they could give me the correct paperwork.  Annoying, yes.  End of the world, no.  I think we get the results next Tuesday...gulp.
• I am now about 15 1/2 weeks as of today.  I still haven't really wrapped my head around things yet. Am I really pregnant still?  Is this possibly going to work out?  The day before yesterday, right before I woke up, I felt what may have been the first flutters of the little Button.  I am still suspicious that it is the little one and not just gas bubbles or something, but it feels like what my Mom and others have described.  Almost like fish swimming around in there.  It is a very surreal feeling.  I still haven't told many people that I am pregnant yet.  I just don't feel like I can go and spread the news around yet without feeling uncomfortable.  Telling my relatives and family friends over the weekend was super hard for me.  I feel like I just don't have the right to be telling people.  I know, I am crazy.
• Finally...ICLWers: Hi!  Apologies for the late into.  You can find out more about me here and here.  I promise to get around to commenting, responding to comments, and blogging for real this week.  I hope everyone is doing well.  I am excited to catch up!!

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One year ago today, my husband and I walked into the OB with the hopes of our first conceived baby being alive and left in tears after learning there was no heartbeat.  Yes, we had a scan earlier in the week that provided us with the gloom and doom of a heartbeat in the 60s and the baby measuring almost 2 weeks behind, but we held out some hope that there was a mistake.  Unfortunately, there was no mistake.  I couldn't watch as the ultrasound tech took measurements of our dead baby.  I had my first D&C, two days later.

One year ago today, our lives were forever changed.  All of the excitement and innocence of pregnancy was taken away from us, never to return.  "Bad luck," all of the doctors and nurses declared.  "It happens to one out of 4 pregnancies," was the canned response.  "At least you know you can get pregnant easily," they said to try to make me feel better.  It just felt like a bad dream to me.  Like I was not in my own body anymore and was looking at someone else.  This couldn't happen to me.  I was healthy and active.  I did everything right.  I took my vitamins, I didn't eat lunch meat or unpasteurized cheese, I cut back on my running.  I never bled or cramped.  Why did this happen to me??

One year ago today, my husband and I came back to our house, sobbing.  Our dog knew something was wrong and laid down, sadly, at our feet.  My husband and I held each other and tried to convince ourselves that this was a once in a lifetime event.  Something that we would never have to experience again.  We vowed to start trying again as soon as the doctor's said it was ok.  Little did we know that this was only the start of our year from hell.

One year ago today, the seasons were starting to transition from the heat and humidity of summer to the crisp coolness of fall.  I was completely oblivious to the change of seasons.  Last year, I totally missed fall.  By the time I came out of my miscarriage fog, there were no more leaves on the trees and a winter jacket was necessary.

One year ago today, seems like yesterday, but also seems so very far away.  We have been through so much in a year and have come so very far.  We are both totally different people today, than we were just one year ago.

Today is complicated.  I am sad about losing my first baby.  I am still so worried that I might miscarry this baby.  I wonder constantly what happened with those first two miscarriages and why I had a chromosomal issue with the last one.  I am angry that this happened to me while others have kid after kid with no issue.  I am confused as to why someone with my healthy lifestyle would have a miscarriage at all.  I am cautiously hopeful for the future.  I am trying put the past behind me and not let it taint this pregnancy, but it is so difficult.  My anxiety and fears of another miscarriage haunt me while I am awake and while I am asleep.  I am trying to move forward even though it feels like I am still stuck in the mud.

Today is also my 100th post on this blog.  It is kind of odd that it falls on this day.  I never thought that I would still be blogging in mid-September when I started this back in April, fresh off of my 3rd miscarriage.  I really never thought that I would find such amazing and supportive people through blogging.  I have said it before, but I will say it again.  All of you lovely ladies (you know who you are) have picked me up and carried me when I needed it.  Your comments and emails mean the world to me.  You are all so wonderful and I am so lucky to have met you all.  I wish so badly that none of us had to go through this and I pray every night that we can all come out of this on the other side.

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Tomorrow will mark 1 full year of TTC for my husband and I.  This is not an anniversary that I ever thought I would have to endure.  July 9, 2011 marked the beginning of the cycle that I would conceive for the first time.  It has been a little over a year that I saw this beautiful BFP.

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I have been a bad blogger this week.  In my defense, I have had a crazy week at work and haven't really even had time to take a lunch.  I am not sure how much I'll get to write right now, but I figure I'll give a quick update for inquiring minds.  And as an FYI, this entry took me about 6 hours total to complete!

First and foremost, I found out on Wednesday that my friend who told me that she was pregnant on Tuesday found out that she is in fact miscarrying again.  Although her HCG levels looked good, the ultrasound showed that there was only a sac and no baby, probably a blighted ovum.  They felt that for as high as her HCG levels were that they should have been able to see a heartbeat.  My heart just broke for her because I know the feeling of going to an ultrasound and having it be less than ideal.  I feel like I should have been so much happier for her than I was.  My stupid jealousy always seems to cloud everything when it comes to pregnancy.  Although she does have a child, her road to having him was so rough.  I am trying to be there for her as much as I can be right now, but I wish I could go back a few days and change my original attitude.

I have decided to start seeing an infertility/pregnancy loss psychologist.  I found a holistic practice that has counseling, nutrition, acupuncture, yoga, support groups, and seminars for people all dealing with similar situations to me.  I chatted with the psychologist this morning and have scheduled to go in an talk to her in person on June 11.  I made the decision to talk to someone because I have so much built up anger and resentment about not being able to reproduce like a normal person.  I am so jealous of my friends that it is causing me to lose friendships that I have worked years on building up.  I am sad and angry that my period is about to show up even though my husband and I had planned on NOT getting pregnant this month.  It isn't healthy that I spend so much of my time thinking about this.  I am letting so many other aspects of my life that are good fall to the wayside.

Finally, a little update on where I am with this cycle.  I have (obsessively) been taking pregnancy tests every morning.  Ok, I didn't take one today, but for the past 3 or so days I have.  They are always negative and they always set the tone for the day- negative.  My temp had been going up nicely and was setting up for a triphasic chart but today it took a complete nosedive and I have more PMS symptoms than ever.  I have also had killer menstrual cramps.  YUCK.  I expect AF to show up on Sunday.  I got for blood work on Monday.  If I don't get my period on Sunday I will test again, but I am thinking this cycle is a bust.  I am just ready to be done with this so that we can start actually trying again.  I better get some rest this weekend.  :-)

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Picture this...you've been through your 3rd miscarriage in 7 months.  You have recovered physically and finally feel like your body is starting to feel "normal" again.  Mentally, you are starting to round the corner from grief, sadness, and despair to the road of acceptance, peace, and hope.  You feel like the bleak days of the past are behind you and you are finally looking forward to the future again.  Then you open the mailbox and find a $500 bill from the hospital for your last D&C (dilation and curettage).  Just like a ton of bricks it hits you...ugh this really did happen.

I am actually quite lucky when it comes to medical bills.  I have great insurance and my company, very generously, reimburses my co-pays, which in this case will be $500.  I can't imagine if I didn't have insurance.  We would have to take out a second mortgage or I would have to start stripping (jk).  Here is the breakdown of the cost:

Pharmacy- $66.85
Other Pharmacy- $1.36
Medical/Surgical Supplies- $332.50
Laboratory Services- $769.00
Operating Room Services- $7,774.00
Recovery Room- $890.00

GRAND TOTAL: $9,833.71

Multiply this by 2...yikes.  Actually my first D&C was at least 2-3 thousand dollars more for some reason.  They were both performed under different doctors and at different hospitals so I guess that there is a lot of variation between them.  I have heard from several people that it costs more money to have a dead baby removed them to give birth to a live baby.  How utterly sad is that?  I pray that the next time I need to go to the hospital, that it is to give birth to a healthy little baby.

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