Here is a little update on what I have been doing to, at the least, remain in decent shape.  While I am not training for any marathons, or even any races for that matter, I am still running a lot.  I would say I run between 25 and 35 miles a week, with my average being about 30 miles.  I do it to stay in shape and because I always seem to feel better mentally after pounding the pavement for an hour.  I also, on occasion, lift weights in my basement or do a rowing or CrossFit type of workout that my husband gives to me when the weather is crummy and I am just so sick of the treadmill.  I work out about 5-6 days a week and aim for 12k steps a day.  I haven't been doing any types of core strengthening exercises, probably because I have found the programs boring and not incredibly helpful.  

While I do not eat strictly Paleo anymore, I still eat very healthy.  I try to remain as low carb as possible for most of the day, but I usually allow myself a treat each day.  That might be a glass of wine, some organic candy, some tortilla chips, a donut (my vice!), or sometimes a few treats in a day.  My diet consists mostly of fruits, veggies, organic and/or grass-fed meats, fish, nuts, egg whites (b/c I hate the yolks still!), EVOO/coconut oil, and black coffee.  I eat very little in the way of regular dairy, processed foods, sugar, wheat, gluten, etc.  

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#Microblog Mondays?  Read more about it here!

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Yesterday I was having one of those days where I was really feeling like throwing in the towel on the whole blog thing.  Why do I continue writing?  It takes up precious time and I oftentimes struggle with what to actually wrote.  I am not sure that many people are still reading other than the person who Googles and randomly stumbles upon one of my posts related to: "does CrossFit cause divorce?", "diastasis recti", or "do long cycles cause miscarriage?".  If I pulled my blog out of the blogisphere today, would anyone know or even care?

Since I started blogging, back in the spring of 2012, my content and tone have changed quite a bit.  I have gone from a very bitter and jaded "baby-less" person that blogged about miscarriage, temping, and pee-sticks to a mommy that blogs about her post-baby body self-esteem, running, and CrossFit issues.  The pre-baby and post-baby blogs are almost completely different audience types and, with the exception of people who have been following me for a while and have gone through similar circumstances, I am not sure how many new and regular readers I have.  What is the point of continuing?  For my own personal health and well-being?  If that was the case, couldn't I just write everything down in a private journal?  I seriously ask myself this all of the time.

Yesterday, I remembered to check my blog email box for the first time in several months.  Besides mounds of spam from people trying to get me to give them a shout out or let them "guest post", I had a few emails from a few different women who were writing to seek my advice regarding situations that they were in right now that I had once been in.  I was reminded of why I continue to keep my blog and the associated email box going.  For as many people that no longer follow me and read my posts, there continue to be a few people who come across my blog that find it helpful and comforting.  They have found themselves in an unfortunate position and the cosmic powers of Google have brought them to my tiny little space where they have been able to read about what I have gone through, relate either somewhat or completely, and apply things that I learned or tried to help them with their situations.  I seriously love that I am able to help even just one person a year because that is one less person who feels like they are dealing with a similar issue, alone.

One thing that a lot of these women that write to me have in common (and definitely how I once felt) is that they are alone in their situations and in their feelings about their situation.  They feel like the time is going so slowly and that they will never "be on the other side".  I am sure that there will always be extenuating circumstances that will make it medically impossible (for one reason or another) for someone who has miscarried many times, to have a child.  That said, out of all of the women who have ever taken the time to write to me personally, I cannot think of one that has followed up with me, that has not be able to eventually have a baby...somehow.  This makes me so happy.

I know that I currently don't have anyone's "permission" to anonymously post their story (and would NEVER do so unless I was given permission), but I would really love to share some stories of other ladies, who have been in similar shoes to my own, on my blog.  Maybe once a month or every other month or something like that.  I think that reading stories of others that have "been through it" helps those that are "still going through it" actually get through it.  Having some hope is half the battle and if I can provide hope to others by sharing positive stories, I am doing a world of good.

So, to my readers, if you have written to me before and still follow me, have never written but follow, or have stumbled upon my blog for the first time and have gone through a similar situation as me, please write to me (and either tell me your story or give me permission to anonymously use your story that we have already emailed about) and I will share in a dedicated post.  Your story is important and may help someone else who is struggling right now.  This isn't limited to just miscarriage, either, although that is the subject that I seem to get the most response and readers for.  I know I write about other topics such as body image (such as diastasis recti), nursing, and marriage issues, too, so feel free to write to me about that.   Share your struggles and things that you have tried that have helped you get through and continue on.  Please think about it.  I may be putting together a dedicated page on my blog to share the stories of others depending on the response that I get.  You could really help someone, too.  

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I feel like I have written about this subject a ton since I gave birth almost 14 months ago, but it is still something that I am struggling with on a daily basis.  I guess I was naive when I thought that things would go back to the way that they were with my body before having a baby.  I mean, come on, this is what Hollywood portrays as the norm.  Have a baby, then 6 weeks later, be spotted, Starbucks iced beverage in hand, walking with a baby stroller in short shorts and a cute top showing off your trim mid-section.  I thought that I would be one of those women (cough, cough, Kristin Cavallari) that would bounce back, weeks after giving birth.  I thought that if I lost the "baby weight" and exercised that everything would go back to being pretty again.  What I am finding out is that no matter how hard I work, my body is not cooperating.  It has no intention of returning to my pre-baby form.  Call me an ungrateful bitch, but I am having a serious struggle accepting this concept.

Before you complete that rolling of the eyes, let me explain something.  I am not complaining about my weight.  I eat healthy and I am very active so I do not currently have a problem in this area.  Since I have had B, I have lost all of my "baby weight" and then some due to my, sometimes compulsive and always regular, need to exercise.  What I am struggling with are the other after effects of pregnancy and child-birth, the loose belly skin, the indents and marks, the herniated belly button, and most of all the diastasis recti.  These things don't seem to be able to be helped with diet/exercise and this drives me insane.

Let me describe to you what I mean...

Last weekend was one of the first warm weekends that we have had.  It is finally shorts and flip-flops weather, something that I have classically looked forward to.  We had a birthday party to go to for one of my friend's kids and about an hour before the party, I started getting ready.  I changed into a pair of button up shorts and a striped, loose t-shirt, so as not to accentuate my stomach area.  I didn't have time to straighten my hair, so I pinned it back in a bun.  I put on some blush and mascara.  Tah Dah...ready to go.  Right?  WRONG.  This is the point where things started to go wrong.

Looking in the mirror, nothing looked good to me.  I looked like I was dressed like a "mom", something that I told myself that I would never do.  In a haste, I started going through my drawer for something else to wear, something that wouldn't make me look older than I am.  I put on a more form fitting shirt and a pair of shorts that were a little shorter.  Ugh there was my protruding belly button and pronounced belly sticking out.  I put on another t-shirt over the first one in an effort to play down everything, but then I was hot.  I started getting upset and ripped off the outfit and frantically went searching for something else.  I must have tried on 3-4 different outfits before collapsing into a heap of tears on the floor out of frustration.  Nothing I owned looked good on my body.  My hair was a frizzy, broken, mess from putting it in a bun so much.  I felt gross and unattractive.  I felt frustrated that all of the exercise and healthy diet is doing nothing to help me look better.

My husband, who had the baby, heard the ruckus that I was making and came up to check on me.  He asked me what was wrong and I told him exactly how I felt.  I am still struggling with my post-baby body.  I still haven't accepted it as the new normal.  I am still hoping (and praying) that some morning I will wake up and will not be able to see my gastrointestinal tract working though the huge gap in my stomach muscles.  I am still hoping that one day I will feel comfortable being naked again and even the slightest bit...sexy.    

I know that I am my own worst enemy here.  I am incredibly critical about how my body looks.  I hold myself to an extremely high standard.  I am constantly comparing myself to other women.  She had a baby recently...do I look better than her?  It is exhausting.  I don't think it helps that my husband is constantly working out with younger, beautiful, and really in shape women who have either never had children, or are in the very-lucky-to-have-bounced-back-unscathed-from-pregnancy category.  Even though I think that my husband and i have a high level of communication in our marriage and my husband is constantly telling me that I am beautiful (and hot...haha), I am still insanely jealous of those women.  I feel like I will never be able to get back that six-pack of abs that I once had and see these women at CrossFit competitions proudly displaying.

I'm not sure what to do.  Surgery?  Constantly wear compression gear and belly binders?  Resign myself to the fact that I will always have to wear two t-shirts?  See a therapist?  Continue with my weekly break-downs?  Give up?  I don't know what to do and I feel like I am alone.  I haven't heard any of my friends who have had kids ever make any mention that they feel like this so I have no idea if this is a common thing or not.  Maybe I am incredibly vain?  Maybe I should count myself lucky that this is my biggest post-pregnancy complaint?  I mean there are always worse things that could be wrong with me.  Why can't I just accept things and try to move past?  I have a wonderful healthy son.  Should I just accept that this was the price that I had to pay?

I created an anonymous survey on this topic.  If you have 2 minutes, please fill it out.  I am really interested in knowing if I am the only one who has these kinds of feelings or if this truly is an issue that many women deal with.  Thank you!

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I apologize that this post is so delayed.  At the time that I wrote the first post about diastasis recti I had wanted to follow-up shortly thereafter with another post regarding how I was dealing with the issue.  I'll update you on my "progress" and where everything stands right now.

Back when I wrote my first post on this subject in September, I had made great progress with my physical therapist.  I was doing regular core exercises that were specifically geared towards people with my condition.  I was running a ton and feeling great.  I felt like I was getting so much better so in November, I joined CrossFit.  For a while I was modifying all of the workouts that had any ab components because the physical therapist told me that they could make the condition worse and un-do all of the work that I put in (sit-ups, v-ups, toes-to-bar, etc).  After a while it started to get embarrassing and decided to disregard what my PT had said.  I always had to modify exercises and always had to explain to others why I was "cheating".  I was tired of it.

One day, during a class, I decided to just go for it.  I felt like my core was pretty strong so I did a whole workout with a component that included "toes-to-bar" except that I did "knees-to-elbows", which is the beginner version of the former workout.  I did the workout and felt ok during it, but that night when I got home, I noticed in the mirror that my stomach looked worse than it had in a long time.  My lower back was also bothering me.  UGH.  After only one workout, my diastasis looked so much worse than it had in months.  How completely defeating.

Since quitting CrossFit, I have been running a lot more.  I started training with a coach again and do weekly intervals with a "team".  I am back in my element!  The only problem is that I still have this annoying ab separation to deal with.  Besides causing some lower back pain, it looks like I am 6 months pregnant every night, which is terrible for my self-esteem.  Last week my Aunt asked me when I was due.  Seriously?  I had really hoped to wear a 2 piece bathing suit this summer, but that isn't going to happen (maybe ever again).  It is crazy that I am 115 lbs, which is lower than I was before I got pregnant, but I have never felt more uncomfortable with my body.

So now I am back to, what I feel like, is square one.  I need to start doing my core exercises from my PT again.  I need to practice getting up and out of bed in the way that she taught me.  I need to start wearing the brace at night again.  I also need to really be strict about what I am eating.  Sugar and wheat tend to make me bloated, which exacerbates the problem.  One girl in a support group that I am in, mentioned that apple cider vinegar helps with bloating.  I tried that one night when I felt very bloated and it worked within 15 minutes (I put 2 teaspoons in water and pounded it...totally gross).  I know it is bad for your teeth though, so it isn't a perfect solution.

For reference, here are some pictures to detail what I am talking about.

Picture #1

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If you have been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that I've talked about CrossFit several times and usually not in a positive light.  Back when I first found out I was pregnant, my husband told me about this Groupon he had bought to do the Foundation level class at a local Crossfit facility.  I thought nothing of it.  He'll go to these two weeks of class and then go back to his regular routine at the gym because, well, we can't afford a $150 a month gym membership for one person.

Imagine my surprise when he told me that he was joining that "box" (that is what they call a gym in the Crossfit world).  I was deep in my hormone induced pregnancy haze when I realized that my picture of who did CrossFit, huge muscle-headed guys, was actually incorrect and over half of the members were young, cute girls.  Yeah, I wasn't too happy about that, especially because I was so out of shape and knew there was no possibility of me getting back into shape for many months.

So yeah, my husband joined the "box" and started doing competitions, and to my subconscious dismay, started placing in them.  He soon became the most in-shape version of himself that I (and probably he) have ever known and I became (almost) the most jealous version of myself that I have ever known.  He started getting very serious about NEVER missing workouts, not drinking alcohol, and he started eating a fairly strict paleo diet.  No more potatoes, rice, flour, or sugar in our house.  I am a baker.  I am a healthy baker, but a baker just the same.  Screw paleo.

Even more upsetting and annoying to me was that fact that all he wanted to talk about was CrossFit.  He listened to pod-casts about it and talked to his CrossFit friends about it.  "Oh I crushed that WOD in under 5 minutes!" or "I RXed that clean and jerk, did you?".  Then he would try to talk to me about it and I had no idea how challenging doing 100 burpees in 5 minutes was.  I didn't really care either, I was worried about birthing a healthy baby.

Once I had the baby, things just seemed to keep getting worse with regards to CrossFit.  I was tired, frumpy, out of shape, dealing with crazy post-pregnancy hormones, and stressed out over a baby that spit up after every feeding. Meanwhile, my husband was going to CrossFit 5 plus days a week, was in super-duper good shape, and was hanging out with people who eat-breathe-sleep CrossFit.  Recipe for disaster, my friends.

My husband and I ended up training for an running a half-marathon in the month of October.  It helped us connect and helped me get back into shape.  I impressed myself with my time (1:46), which made me eager to start training for more races and to bring my times down even more.  I bought a treadmill and stuck it in my basement.  That way I'd get to see my baby every day after work and then I could run once he hit the hay.  PERFECT.

I thought this would be my new workout routine until my husband suggested that I complete the entry level class at the new CrossFit gym that his friend opened.  He even said that he would foot the crazy $180 bill.  I will have to admit that I really didn't want to do it, but he did go out of his comfort zone to run a half marathon with me and I did totally kick his ass.  Lifting weights is NOT my thing though and, due to my diastasis recti (that has improved tremendously), there are still quite a few types of ab workouts that I can't do.  Plus, CrossFit just doesn't interest me in the slightest.  If I have time, I'd rather run.  Plain and simple.

I sucked it up and agreed to sign up and do the two week class to secretly prove to him that it wasn't my thing.  The first class was awkward.  I didn't know anyone (other than my husband's friend), but it seemed like everyone else there knew someone else.  Most of the girls looked like they were in better shape than me with the exception of one older lady who looked like she hadn't gotten off the couch in several years (she ended up quitting after the first night).  Of course I compared myself to everyone and got upset at myself at the end of the night because I was one of the last people to finish the baseline workout of 500 meter row, 40 squats, 30 sit-ups (I did a plank variation), 20 push-ups, and 10 pull-ups (assisted with a green rubber band).  Even the older out of shape looking lady did better than me, allegedly.  I was embarrassed to write my time on the huge white board.  

Not getting into all of the details of the classes, I will sum it up by saying that I ended up going to all six of the classes and finishing the program.  I am now "allowed" to go to regular classes, which kind of scares me.  Do I even want to?  The jury is still out.  There are some good and bad things that I noticed when doing the entry class.  I'll start with the good and then get to the not so good...

The Good

1.  The people in my class seemed normal and not "cult-like".  They wore Lulu Lemon and Nike (like me), not all Reebok with bight colors and knee socks, like most CrossFitters wear.  Maybe that is because they just haven't been doing it long enough?  A few of the girls also had young kids so we had stuff to talk about besides working out.  Mommies are mommies, first (I hope).

2.  The workouts were challenging and I feel like I could get into overall better shape by doing classes a few times a week.

3.  The coach was good.  He was motivating and understanding.  He seems like he knows his stuff.  He was willing to work with me and help me scale my workouts due to my ab exercise restrictions.

4.  I don't mind paleo anymore, 80% of the time.  We pretty much eat a paleo diet now with the exception of me eating oatmeal cereal for breakfast (breastfeeding) and the occasional non-GMO verified corn chip.  I still don't eat any soy or dairy.  I think this is good enough.

5.  The "box" is nice and new.  It is really close to my house.

6.  Now I can understand what my husband it talking about when he says he says he did an AMRAP of wall-balls for 9 minutes.  I know how much that would totally suck now.  We can have a conversation about the day's WOD and I don't glaze over completely because I may (or may not) have done the same thing.

The Not So Good

1.  You have to workout on a schedule and they would like you to go 3 days in a row and then rest one day.  Sometimes I can't go to a 5 PM class or a 7 PM class and there is a high probability that I can't go to a class every day (especially since my husband already goes 10 times a week).  I have a baby and his schedule isn't the same from day-to-day.  Sometimes I need to workout at 5:30 PM or 6:45 PM.  Can't do that with CrossFit.

2.  People cheat.  This is something that shouldn't bother me, but does.  When they give you a workout (like the baseline one above) they ask you do time yourself and then write the time down on the board.  No one is counting your reps or making sure that you have proper form and, while I didn't watch people working out because I was too busy trying not to die, I would be quite surprised if the older lady actually did beat me.  My husband tried to tell me that I should measure myself against myself...kind of hard for a competitive, type-A person like me.  People write down times that are less than they actually were or don't do all the exercises correctly or the right amount.  Annoying.

3.  Weightlifting is not my thing.  Lots of the workouts have a strength component that works on Olympic types of lifts.  I have zero interest in this and I don't want to become a female body builder.  Enough said.

4.  CrossFit is all about abs and core and my ab situation sucks.  I will probably never be able to do real sit-ups again like I could before I had B.  Even though my diastasis has closed to 2 fingers, doing sit-us, toes-to-bar, and v-ups is going to cause it to open right back up.  I used to kill sit-ups and I liked doing them.  Now I can't do them and have to scale every workout that contains them.  People look at me like I am cheating or something.  If I am going to do something I want to do it all the way.  No half-assing for me.

5.  I am realizing just how out of shape I still am, and folks, it ain't pretty.  This obviously doesn't have to do directly with CrossFit, but I feel like I need to wear a shirt that says I had a baby 7 months ago and I used to be in good shape.  I hate being the worst.  I am used to being one of the more in-shape people in a group.              

So am I going to drink the kool-aid and officially join CrossFit?  I'm not sure yet.  I just don't know that it is going to work for me time-wise or fitness goal-wise.  I am first and foremost a mommy and secondly a runner.  I don't want to cut out running workout for CrossFit ones.  I do want to get in better shape and look and feel better about myself than I do now.  I guess time will tell on this one.  More to come...    

Also here is a pic of the ab situation I speak of, regularly.  I am down below my pre-pregnancy weight, but still have this to contend with.  My arch-nemesis.

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In the weeks that followed my c-section, I frantically searched the web for anything that could help me with my bloated looking "mommy tummy".  Sure it was only a few weeks post the birth of my son, but I was not at all used to having a saggy belly and I was not content to just wait and see what happened.  I took matters into my own hands and I am so glad that I did.

Those early internet searches yielded me things like the Tupler Technique and Complete Motions.  I am not going to discount sites like these because they may in fact help women overcome issues with diastasis recti.  The problem that I found with them was that they charge you an arm and a leg to do so.  I was not willing to spend a bunch of money on some DVDs that I would most likely never use, so I continued searching for a different answer.

Instead of shelling out a ton of money, I sought out the help of a physical therapist (which my health insurance covered) many weeks ago and it was one of the best decisions that I made.  My physical therapist was amazing.  When I first started seeing her my abdominal separation was about 4 fingers or more apart.  This was considered by my OB to be a serious separation that could only be fixed with surgery.  My PT convinced me that I could make great strides towards a recovery, without surgery.  I was more than willing to give it a try.

I met with her only a few times, but in those meetings she gave me exercises and encouragement that I so desperately needed.  She encouraged me to share the exercises that she gave to me with my friends, so this is what I am going to do, friends.  No large amounts of money required.  I am going to break it up into a few different posts, the first being recovery exercises by land, the second being recovery by water, and the third being prevention (which I WISH I would have known when I was pregnant).  Enjoy!


What is diastasis recti?

I had never heard of this before or during my pregnancy.  It was only after, when I Googled my symptoms that I discovered it.  Basically what happens is, as the baby grows inside your uterus, it pushes on the abdominal muscles.  If your abdominal muscles are not especially strong, the pressure from the growing baby will push them apart, causing a separation.  The separation looks much worse after pregnancy and looks like an unsightly bulge, which in my opinion, makes one look like they are still several months pregnant.  

The Mayo Clinic website describes the conditions that make diastasis recti more likely during pregnancy:

• If you are over 35 years old
• If you are pregnant with multiples
• If you are pregnant with a larger baby (the case for me!)
• If you are on your 2nd, 3rd, etc. pregnancy
• If you engage in intense abdominal exercises after the first trimester

Diastasis recti recovery by land (part 1)

First things first, I am not a doctor or physical therapist myself and I am not claiming to be either of those.  I am simply letting you all know what I did and what seemed to work for me.  I hope that this also works for you and would love to hear from you if you try it and experience some success, like me.

The first thing I think that you should do before you try out any exercises is to purchase and use an abdominal binder.  I know this is controversial, but I really think that it helped me for so many reasons.  Post c-section, coughing, sneezing, laughing, etc., hurts.  Having the binder on gave me some support and made those (sometimes uncontrollable) actions hurt less.  They also helped with my self-esteem.  There is nothing like looking 6 months pregnant when you aren't pregnant anymore.

I purchased a few different binders, which I'll review very quickly.

The Babies R Us Post Partum Support - This was the first one that I used starting from a few days after I gave birth.  It was not very comfortable, but it served its purpose, I suppose.  It was also quite cheap.  I wore it only during the day in the first few weeks because it was so tight.  It made me feel much more confident about going out in public with anything other than a sweatshirt on.  It started to fall apart after a few weeks, though, and began to bunch and look rather lumpy under my clothes.

The Medela Postpartum Support - I purchased this support to wear at night because it looked much more comfortable.  It was.  It wasn't as tight or bulky/bunchy.  The problem with this one was that when I started to shrink in the stomach area, the support, which was a size small, became too big and useless.

The Fit Splint -  This support was the most expensive that I bought, but undoubtedly the best.  I bought it to wear in my early days of running.  It made my stomach feel secure and stopped the annoying jiggle during jogging.  The only bad thing about it was that it was neoprene and while this made it fairly invisible under clothing, it also made it terribly hot.  It also chaffed my stomach the first time I wore it.  My PT encouraged me to wear this while engaging in some of my exercises.


On to the exercises...

Once I got the OK from my OB to start any exercises (a little over 6 weeks postpartum), I started with my PT.  The first few exercises she gave me sound really easy, but they were really hard for me at first.  My old, in-shape, self mentally thought I could do them, but physically it was a whole lot tougher.  It was so frustrating.  Here are the first few exercises that I completed:

1. Find neutral pelvis position.  To do this, lay on your back, place your hands on your stomach, and pull your naval to the floor (tilt your pelvis upward).  Find the position where your hands are parallel to the floor.  This is the position that I did many of the below mentioned exercises.

2.  Kegels.  Hate these.  Absolutely despise them.  I was told to do them during pregnancy to help strengthen my pelvic floor muscles and help prevent incontinence.  Did I do them?  No.  Should I have done them?  Probably.  If you are not familiar with Kegels, contract your pelvic floor muscles, hold for a second or two, and then relax them.  These are the same muscles that start and stop the flow of urine.  Do these lying down at first, 5-10 Kegels, 5-10 times a day.  Even once a day will help.  I am not sure I ever found the time or patience for that many.  Once you get good at them, try them sitting, then standing, and then walking.  You'll be a Kegel maniac in no time.  Your husband might thank you as well.  ;-)

3.  Pelvic clock.  Laying down on your back with your knees up, imagine your stomach as a clock.  In the neutral pelvis position, tilt your pelvis from 12 to 6 and then back.  Do this several times.  Next, try the same thing, but going from 3 to 9 and then back.  Do this several times.  Now try the whole clock going clockwise a few times and then switch to counter clockwise, in a smooth motion.

4.  The elevator.  This is a tough one to understand and a tough one to do, at least for me.  Laying on your back, with knees up, and with a neutral pelvis, engage the pelvic floor muscles in three distinct sections: pubic bone, belly button, rib cage.  Hold at each "floor" for 10 seconds.  Once at the top "floor" go back down, while holding in the same fashion.  Do 5-10 of these at least once a day.  The more the better!

5.  Diaphragmatic breathing.  This is a nice and relaxing one.  In the same position (on back, knees up, neutral pelvis), put your hands on your stomach and keeping your chest still, inhale deeply with your belly, hold for 2 counts, and then exhale, sinking your belly button to the floor on the exhale for a 3 counts.  Do a few of these and gradually increase the counts when you feel comfortable doing so.  to make this even harder, try bringing your belly button closer to the floor on the exhales.  

6.  Lumbar stabilization exercises.  In the same position (on back, knees up, neutral pelvis) try the following for two minutes total (trying to be as continuous as possible!!):

• Dropping knees out and then pulling them back in while keeping core as stable as possible.
• Sliding heels out and in while keeping core as stable as possible.
• Marching one foot up, then down, on both sides, while keeping core as stable as possible.

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I can't believe that I just got back from taking my little one to his 4 month appointment today.  He weighs a whopping 17 lbs even and is 25.25 inches long.  He is in the 80th and 56th percentiles (respectively).  I have a chubby baby!

The doctor was very pleased with his growth.  This little over-achiever already has his first tooth coming through on the bottom right.  He has rolled over from front to back, three times.  He can sit in his exersaucer with a pillow under his feet.  He is doing really well.  The only not so great part about our visit today was the 4 vaccines that he had to get.  It is the saddest thing to see your baby kicking and smiling joyfully and then screaming in terror as they are stuck in the leg with the needle.  Ugh it is the worst.

Tomorrow is B's appointment at the Children's Hospital for his acid reflux.  We will finally figure out (or start down the road to finding out) if this is what he has or if it really is a MSPI (milk/soy protein intolerance).  I am hopeful that there is nothing wrong with him at all and he just spits more than the average baby.  I would love to enjoy a slice of pizza again.  :-)

I have two appointments with daycare centers coming up.  One is this coming Friday, near our house.  The other is next Wednesday near my work.  It will be quite interesting to see these places and hear about how expensive they are.

As for me, 4 months post baby and I am happy to post that my diastasis recti is back down to normal levels.  I have gone from a more than 4 finger separation to tight 2 finger separation.  My physical therapist was quite impressed with my progress and she sent me on my merry way with a packet full of exercises that I can continue to do in the coming months (and a whole set of pregnancy ones if I end up pregnant again someday).  She also cleared me for crunches and yoga.  I am sooooo excited to start yoga again!  In an upcoming post, I am going to document the exercises that I did so I can help people who are looking for advice on this topic.  I had trouble finding anything that wasn't a gimmick or that I didn't have to pay for a few months back.

I am also pleased to say that I am down to 125 lbs and I fit into a pair of my pre-pregnancy jeans this last weekend!  I was happily shocked.  The jeans were definitely big on me pre-pregnancy and they are just fitting now, but hey, I'll take it.

Last week I was able to run 5 days out of 7.  Granted they were not fast runs and they were not especially long runs, but I was able to do it and work and take care of B.  I am hoping to keep up with at least 3-4 days a week and walks on other days.  B loves going with me.  I think he is going to be my new favorite running buddy!  :-)

This past weekend was one of the most social that I have had yet.  I feel like I am finally getting back to a semblance of my old self and am getting the hang of this working mommy thing.  Friday night I left baby with Daddy and attended my sister's birthday party.  Even though I was the first one to leave the party, I was out until almost midnight.  Late night for me!  Be was great for Daddy, too.  He slept the whole time I was gone.  Saturday, my husband and I went to a BBQ with B.  Three other babies that were the same age as B were there.  It was a riot.  Sunday, I went to the local farmer's market, got coffee and took a stroller walk with my sister and B, and then met up with a few families at the beach.

It took me 4 months (and 2 years) to get here, but I am content, finally.  Life is good.  I didn't think I would ever get the chance to feel this way.  I am so very thankful.    

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This is a tough subject for me to write about because I am still struggling with my "new" post-baby body.  I struggled while I was pregnant at times, but I think it has been more difficult since little B arrived.  I am almost 14 1/2 weeks out and I still have a sizable mommy pooch, although it is definitely smaller than it was just a month ago.  By the time late afternoon rolls around, I look like I am about 4-5 months pregnant.  It is really depressing until I look at my amazing little miracle boy (I added a pic of him) and then I feel a little bit better.

I have been in physical therapy for my diastasis recti for several weeks now and I was doing so well with it.  I had gone from a 4 finger separation to an almost 2 finger separation.  I had exercises that I was doing every night until I started back to work last week.  Something had to give and unfortunately, it was the PT exercises.  I have been vowing to get back to them this week because I really think they are working and I really love my physical therapist.  She is so nice and helpful and she believes that I can get back most of my pre-baby shape.   

Last night was the first night that I got a chance to go to the gym.  B has gone down to sleep at 6:30 PM for the past 2 nights so, I crammed myself into my bathing suit (it was a tight squeeze) and scurried out as fast as I could once I knew that my husband was armed with the video monitor and the Angelcare monitor. I planned on doing the pool exercises that my physical therapist had given me in the 4 ft section of the pool.  Too bad that there were 30, 10 year old Asian exchange students using that same section of pool.  I got splashed, my borrowed workout gear (kick-board, foam weights, noodle) was stolen, and I was asked all sorts of questions about what I was doing by a 5 year old girl.  Normally I would have been totally peeved, but I was able to keep a smile and continue my workout.  I was there, working out, and that's all that mattered.

When I look at my stomach in the mirror I really don't like what I see and I feel guilty that I don't like what I see.  I should be ecstatic that I have my healthy baby boy and not focusing on my stupid lack of abs.  My linea negra is still very pronounced and I have so many indentations from the stretching.  I am not sure if they are stretch marks or not because they have no color, but regardless, they are unsightly.  My brown belly button has almost disappeared, thank God!  My c-section scar is slightly pink, but no longer as dark and pronounced as it was.  The feeling is s...l...o...w...l...y coming back to that area.

Speaking of the feeling coming back to that area...  While actual feeling may be coming back, there is nothing else going on down there.  My husband and I have tried twice (unsuccessfully) to have sex since the baby was born.  I am not sure it is lack of lubrication due to breastfeeding and birth control or if I have some scar tissue and adhesions, but sex was so freaking painful I wanted to cry.  Not to mention I have absolutely no sex drive, AT ALL.  I am now scared to even try which makes things oh so much more enjoyable!  I figured that having a c-section would make this a non-issue, but I was totally wrong!  I think we'll give it one more try and if I am still in pain, then off to the GYN it is.  I haven't seen them since my second miscarriage.  They don't even know that I was pregnant and had a baby.  That will be an interesting conversation. 

I also keep messing up the birth control pill.  I took that damn thing for 10 years straight at 12 PM EVERY DAY and I only ever screwed it up one time that I can remember because I forgot the pack at home.  With this pill, I have screwed up so many times already.  I forget to take it 3-4 times a month.  Not good for someone who, medically, should not get pregnant again for at least another 8 months. 

Still no period yet.  I have had some EWCM, several times and have been crampy and bloated, but still no period.  I am quite ok with that.  It is weird that the start of my last period was July 5, 1012.  I haven't had a period in over a year!

I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks, but I'd guess that I am back to around 128 lbs.  Still not at my goal weight, but I am still breastfeeding and that is by far more important to me that losing the weight right away.  I'd rather continue feeding my baby then look like Giselle (ok I'll never look like her, but I think you catch my drift!).

Here is a pic of me now, 14 1/2 weeks out.  I still have a ways to go, but when I compare it with a  few months ago, I feel a lot better.  Any one else with post-baby body issues that feels totally guilty about it?  

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I can't believe that I already had my 6 week OB appointment today.  B will be 7 weeks on Thursday!  Where has the time gone?

I was really nervous for my appointment this morning for a few reasons.  The first reason was because I had to go alone with B.  I have gone alone with him to appointments before, but never to the hospital and never for 4 1/2 hours.  I had to go early this morning to first get my 2 hour GTT and then for my OB appointment afterwards at 11:20 AM.  So yeah, I had to entertain B for several hours, in a hospital setting, by myself.

Turns out it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I nursed him a total of 2 times and changed 3 diapers in the family restrooms.  Luckily everything in the hospital is wheelchair accessible!  I hate the nursing covers and would prefer to just "free-boob" it, but I am not sure how legal that is in my state (or anywhere for that matter).

The 2 hour GTT test wasn't as bad as the 3 hour, but the drink was by far worse.  It wasn't the orange flavored one, it was no flavor other than sugar water.  I choked it down and it threatened to come back up for several minutes.  Luckily I could drink water to take the sticky, sweet taste out of my mouth.  GROSS!

After chugging the gross drink, B and I did several laps around the hospital.  We walked past the fertility clinic.  I wanted to go in and thank my RE and their staff, but didn't think they would even remember me since it was September that I was there last.  I saw the doctor that delivered B and I also saw a few other doctors that I remembered walking the halls.  It was weird to be back there again for what will be the last time for quite a while (or until I try to get pregnant again or get pregnant again on my own).  The site of so many heartbreaks and bad memories, now has a bunch of great memories for me.  They helped me conceive and birth my son.  I am forever grateful.

After my last blood draw, I headed over for one last visit to MFM.  I am not sure what my BP was, but my weight is 133 (down from a high of 164 plus).  I still have 13 lbs to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, or 15 lbs to lose to get back to my goal weight.  I realize that this weight should not come off until I stop breastfeeding and I am ok with that.

I talked to my doctor one last time.  We discussed birth control, as he gave me the all-clear for sex (which I still have no interest in right now...sorry hubby!).  I am going to start the mini-pill on Sunday.  Not really excited about that, but I also do not want to get pregnant for at least a year and having something put into me like an IUD sounds completely unappealing.  We also discussed exercise and my diastasis recti.  I told him about the marathon and he told me that I can start running...slowly.  I am surely going to be at the pace of a turtle for some time.  As for the ab situation, he told me that he has never seen anyone have luck with physical therapy, but he agreed to write me a prescription if I agreed to call him and let him know if it worked or not.  He also told me that if I choose to have another baby and a c-section that he will stitch my abs back together as part of the surgery, if that was going to be my last child.  I love this man!!  He also checked my incision, which he said looked good and he gave me a pap smear which hurt like hell.  He told me to give them a call if I get pregnant and we'll do it all over again starting at 8 weeks.

I really felt like hugging him, but I thought that would be weird.  Seems like so long ago that I walked in there for the first time, crying and so scared.  He really always helped to calm me down.  He never tried to blow smoke and sugar coat anything, but he also didn't unnecessarily scare me either.  It is crazy that you spend so much time at their office when you are pregnant and then you just stop going.  It sounds weird to say that I will actually miss going for regular check-ups there.

When I handed the receptionist my paperwork and told her that I did not need to schedule a follow-up it felt like I was graduating.  I now have my healthy baby that I worked so hard for.  Quite a surreal feeling.  I did it.  I overcame whatever issue I had.  I fought and I won.

When I got home I already had an email from the nurse giving me the results of the 2 hour GTT.  I PASSED!  NO MORE DIABETES!!  My fasting was 87 and my 2 hour was 112.  I breathed a sigh of relief, but know that I will forever have changed my eating habits and will always be thinking about diabetes.  I know that I am at a higher risk now for type-2 diabetes, so I have even more incentive to stay healthy.

Today was a good day.  B has been doing better the past few days.  I have a more thorough update of him that I need to write, but I hear him stirring from his nap so I need to get back to mommy duty.  

For fun, here are some before and after shots of my mangled belly.  Something to work my ass off for.    I am jealous of my old body!  Enjoy!

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As you can see, my blogging has gotten pretty sparse lately.  I knew having a baby would make me have less time for things like writing, but I think I grossly underestimated how much less time I would have.  When I do have a free minute I tend to do things like throw laundry in, do the dishes, make the bed, get dressed, go to the bathroom, call my grandma to thank her for my birthday present 2 weeks late...

The crazy thing is that I have a ton of stuff to write about.  I am going to try to make a better effort to write out all of these posts that I am thinking of writing, but for now I am just going to give an update since I have exactly 1/2 hour before I have to feed baby B and go to bed.

Baby B
I can't believe that he will be 6 weeks old on Thursday.  He is awesome and amazing.  Cute and snuggly.  He smells so good.  He is a great eater, but spits up quite a bit and is pretty gassy.  He is very strong and can lift his head and move it around with almost no support.  He is also extremely fussy!  He loves to be held all of his waking hours.  I went out and bought some gripe water to help with his fussiness.  I am still not sure if it is helping or not, but he does seem a little happier.  He also likes the stroller, taking rides in the car, and being toted in the M.oby wrap.  He is growing like a weed.  At his 1 month appointment he weighed 11.1 lbs (up from 9.5 lbs, 2 weeks earlier) and he is now 22 inches.  He is only sleeping about 3 hours (at the most) consecutively at night.  Needless to say, mommy is pretty tired.  He likes a pacifier sometimes, but tends to spit it out after a few minutes.  His fav paci so far has been the S.oothie, but we introduced the N.uk and it seems to stay in his mouth better.  He loves having a bath!  He also loves being swaddled in the S.waddle M.e wrap, which I would STRONGLY recommend.  It makes swaddling in the middle of the night so much easier.  He likes newborn music class!  He will laugh and smile if you catch him in a good mood and squeak his soft rattle.  Seeing his smile makes all of the shit that I went through over the past years worth every last sucky minute.

Breastfeeding
Still going...!  Things have gotten much easier.  B is definitely getting enough to eat as he has gained quite a bit (78 percentile).  My only real issues, which are opposite of the issues I though I would have...oversupply and overactive letdown.  When B goes to latch I literally make him choke with my fire-hose of a letdown.  Sometimes I pump a little off first, but I can't do that in the middle of the night.  Last night I tried hand expressing some milk before feeding him in the middle of the night and I can shoot a stream of milk several feet in front of me.  The lactation consultant that I saw last Friday told me to lay off the oatmeal and M.other's M.ilk tea.  Oh and the lactation cookies that I made were unnecessary, I guess.  I have started pumping at least once a day to save up for when I go back to work.  It is hard to find time to pump since B is very demanding, but I want to start introducing a bottle to him at 6 weeks.  I don't anticipate an issue, but I guess I have been wrong about everything so far.  We'll see.

Thyroid/Diabetes
I had an appointment at the Endocrinologist last Tuesday and they checked my TSH and A1C.  My TSH was only 1.01, so I am thinking that she will tell me that I can discontinue my 25 mcg of levothyroxine.    My A1C was 4.8, which was pretty good and equals an average glucose level of around 94.  I still have my 2 hour GTT in a week and a half so I am hoping that turns out ok.  I am still pretty conscious of my diet and I eat way less carbs that I did before.  I have cut out pasta and bread almost completely.  That said, I have been eating cereal and having treats here and there.  I was good for so long, I think I deserve some indulgence.

Postpartum Recovery
Physically, I feel so much better now than I did a few weeks ago.  I still have about 10 lbs to lose, but I have heard that you need to keep on some weight to be an efficient milk producer, so I am ok with that.  I don't think I look overweight so I am fine with it.  What I am NOT ok with is my stomach.  It is completely wrecked.  I have serious stretch marks and my belly button is gross.  I could write a whole post about this, and probably will at some point.  I have diastasis recti.  From my unscientific diagnosis, I have about a 4-5 finger separation of my ab muscles. I went from 6-pack abs to a sagging pouch of a stomach with a huge indentation in the middle.  It has caused me quite a but of depression.  I hate looking in the mirror, it makes me so upset.  I did some research online and asked friends for recommendations and I found a physical therapy program that rehabs women with this condition.  I am going for my first appointment in a week and a half.  I can't wait.  My scar looks great though.  It is almost invisible to me.  I don't mind it at all.  I have no traces of the PUPPPs rash...thank goodness.  I have been walking with B and my dog.  My bleeding stopped about 2 weeks ago and now it is just annoying (TMI) yellow discharge.  Enough for liners 24/7.  I will be so glad when I can stop wearing a liner!  I have been through my entire pregnancy, too!  My doctor prescribed me the mini-pill, but I have not started taking it yet.  I really don't want to take it, but I also don't want to get pregnant any time soon.  Knowing my luck, I would get pregnant with a take home baby if we had sex.  Speaking of sex, we still have not undertaken that activity yet.  I am waiting until my 6 week pp doctors visit before we do it, just to be safe.  I am mentally looking forward to it, but not physically.  I am worried that I'll be in pain.

Other Stuff
I officially signed up for the NYC Marathon.  Yes, I am nuts.  My husband got me a personal running coach and class for my birthday, along with a new pair of sneaks!  I am waiting for my 6 week pp appointment to get the go ahead, but I am not sure they will even let me start running yet and I am not sure I want to run yet.  I feel like my organs might migrate out through the whole in my abs.  Gross.

The dog has been great with the baby.  He is protective and watches B when I leave him in his swing and have to run upstairs.  He likes to lick his head, which we don't let him do often, but occasionally.  :)  The cats have been a huge pain in the ass, though.  They have already scratched up his lovely glider and love to climb in his crib and pack and play with any opportunity that they get.  We have to keep the doors closed, which sucks.  I hope they get better, but I have a feeling this is just cats being cats.

Lastly, I got my medical bill from my 6 days stay...$55,000.  Wowzers.  Thank goodness I am only responsible for $500 of it.  Can't imagine what would happen if I didn't have insurance.

Alright my grace period has expired.  My boobs are telling me that B is hungry.  He is still asleep so he doesn't know it yet, but he will as soon as I pick him up.  Now I need to catch up on my blog list!  I still read when I am breastfeeding, but do it on my iPad, so it is hard for me to comment.  I am still following along with you ladies though.  :)  I hope you are all doing well!

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