I haven't really thought about my horrific birthing experience in quite some time, but this month's PAIL Bloggers theme brought to light that I have a ton of unresolved issues around this subject.  In this post, I am going to focus mostly on the issues and complications that I had during B's birth and how they continue to haunt me.  Here goes...

I have written in great detail about my birth experience, which you can read about below if you are interested.  I'll also give some of the highlights if you'd rather not go back 6 months:

Suffice it to say that I basically had (almost) the worst birthing experience that I could have imagined and the birth plan, that I had so carefully drafted, may as well have been shredded on the spot.  I was scheduled to be induced at 40 weeks, 4 days due to a raging case of PUPPPs and borderline gestational diabetes.  I was forced given Cytotec to ripen my cervix, which had been stuck at 2cm for weeks.  I was in a Pitocin induced labor for almost 40 hours.  I had my water broken by the doctor with a coat hanger because it wouldn't break on its own.  I was given an epidural about 28 hours into labor, but that stopped working by the time that I had to push.  I finally got to 10 cm and then pushed for almost 3 hours.  The baby got stuck in my pelvis.  I had to have an unplanned, emergency(ish) c-section.  During my c-section the doctors could not get my uterus to contract so I lost a ton of blood during the surgery and kept passing out due to low blood pressure (my husband later told me it looked like a murder scene with blood squirting and spilling onto the floor).  I really thought I was going to die.  The doctors kept telling me to look to my baby and focus on my baby, but I was more concerned with my own well-being.  I had to have a blood transfusion (actually, 2 of them) because my hematocrit levels were so low.  I blew up like a water balloon from all of the drugs.  My PUPPPs got so bad after I delivered that they sent doctors over from other hospitals to try to help me, but nothing did end up helping me.  I had almost no interest in my child in the hours that followed his birth because I was so drugged up and so exhausted.  Breastfeeding also went terribly and he ended up losing 10% of his birth-weight and I had to supplement with formula, which was something I said that I would NEVER do.

I am now 6 months out from that horrifically wonderful day.  It is horrific because of what I had to go through, but wonderful because I have him to show for it.  The other day I was looking back at pictures of B from when he was just a few days old.  He has grown so much from then until now (born 9lb, 2 oz and 21.5in and at 6 months he is 19.1lbs, 28in!) and looking back at his pictures made me so sad.  I barely even remember the first few days that I spent with him.  I was so miserable the first few weeks that I feel like I didn't get to enjoy him.  I don't even remember what his baby smell was like.  I was so worried about whether we was getting enough calories from my milk and having enough wet/poopy diapers, that I didn't get to savor the time that we had together.  I was so exhausted and drained from the labor, surgery, and recovering from my rash that I couldn't focus my attention on my baby.  I am still angry about that.  I haven't been able to let it go.

When I hear mommies talking about how their perfect vaginal birth went exactly according to plan, I feel like a failure.  My body (once again) failed me in this instance.  I wanted to have an uncomplicated birth.  I didn't want major surgery.  Why did he get so big when I was so strict with my diet?  Why didn't they induce me sooner so that he may have had a chance to fit through my (apparently) narrow pelvis?  Why didn't my body do what it was supposed to, when it was supposed to?  If I had lived in more primitive times, B and I would have most certainly both died.  I wanted to decide how many kids I would want and when I would want them and not have to let my doctor make that decision.  Now, I am pretty much going to be forced into another c-section, if I can get pregnant again, but only after I have waited the recommended 18 months.

I have talked to a few people about my unresolved issues surrounding the birth of B.  Even the mommies that have had unplanned/emergency c-sections don't seem harbor the kind of anger and sadness that I have surrounding my childbirth experience.  I don't get the sense that they feel cheated, like me.  Usually I get the, "well look at the result!", and well, they would be right, I guess.  I have yet to come across anyone else who really feels the way that I do.  Maybe no one else feels like I do.  I should just be happy that I have a beautiful and healthy son.  I know that I need to move on, but I can't.  I'm still so sad.  I cry about it when no one is around.  I still mourn it like a loss.  I feel like, once again, I was denied another womanly right and had to have medical intervention.

My childbirth baggage has definitely clouded the outlook for subsequent births.  I am not sure that I could ever go through that kind of experience again.  My husband and I were talking about this other day... The process of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, being pregnant, and childbirth did not go well for me and at this point, neither of us can see it happening again.  I want to have a sibling for B, but I am terribly afraid of everything that surrounds that idea.  I am wondering if time will heal the wounds that I have sustained or if they will continue to taint my future.    

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I haven't really talked much about birth or having that baby, but now that I am about 34 1/2 weeks, I think it is time to start.  None of my close friends have really mentioned having a birth plan to me, so I am not sure if they had one or not, but I have been doing lots of reading (surprise, surprise) and there are a few things that I want to make sure happen when I give birth to this little guy.

Feel to chime in with your experience or ideas/opinions!  I may be missing some key points, so please fill me in, if that is the case.  I obviously have never been through this before so I only know what I have heard and read about.

**Please note: This is assuming that I have an un-induced birth.  If I am induced or have a c-section (obviously), some or much of this list will not apply.

1.  The option to delay pain medication or proceed through birth without pain medication.  I know, I know this is probably crazy, but I have done lots of research.  I know that childbirth is probably the one of the most painful experiences that I will ever go through in my life, but reading about some of the benefits of not having the pain medications make me want to at least give it a try.  My pain threshold is rather high (except when it comes to foot cramps, which I have been getting nightly).  I ran a marathon, got an extremely painful blood blister under my second toe, bled through my sock and my sneaker, and still managed to finish the race in 4 hours and 17 minutes.  Then I ran another marathon the following year in 3 hours and 54 minutes!  I am not afraid of pain.  I want to see how far I can go without assistance because I know that it can make the actual dilation and birthing process faster.  I am not going to refuse the pain meds if I have a crazy long labor and have not slept or if the pain is just so incredibly unbearable.  I am not going to martyr myself.  If I have to be induced with pitocin, then I'd say that it is almost a given that I take advantage of the epidural.

2.  The option to walk around during labor, use a birthing ball, or alternate positions for delivery, if it feels better.  I know that some of these depend on other things working out.  I would rather not be hooked up to monitors 24/7 and have IVs unless it is absolutely necessary for the health of the baby (or me).  I have heard that laboring on your back makes things progress slower and makes giving birth harder.  Maybe walking around won't feel better for me, but I would like the option.

3.  I want my husband with me at all times.  We have been through a lot together and I feel like I want him to be there for everything.  I am not sure if you need to explicitly mention this or not.  He is the only family member that I want in the delivery room!

4.  No mirrors to watch the actual birth.  Call me vain, but I'd rather not see my vagina being ripped apart.

5.  Cameras are allowed before I begin pushing and then right after the baby is born (above the waist, only!)  I guess this only applies to my husband.  Maybe I should just tell him this, since I doubt any of the hospital staff will be wanting to take pictures of me.  Haha.

6.  I want immediate skin-to-skin contact with my baby, as long as he is healthy enough to do so.  I have read and heard that this helps with bonding, baby body temp regulation, and breastfeeding (to name a few benefits).  I don't need him to be cleaned off before they place him on my chest.  If I have a c-section that I would also like to have modified skin-to-skin contact, if it is safe for baby.  I have heard about delayed cord clamping, too.  I am not sure if these go hand-in-hand and if this should be a separate list item, but if it is safe, I would also like to have the 2-3 min delay.  I have read that it helps with iron levels in babies.  Granted I have also read that the bigger the baby, the less they need this, but oh well.  I'd like feedback on this one!!

7.  My husband will cut the cord.  I think this is pretty standard, but I wanted to throw it in just in case!

8.  I would like to bank the cord blood.  Not privately, though.

9.  I'd like to try breastfeeding my baby as soon as possible.  I have read that the sooner that you start breastfeeding the easier it is to get baby used to it.  I will need help from the nurses on this one though.  I took the class, but holding a baby doll and holding your baby are two very different things I am sure!

10.  Our baby will NOT be circumcised.  At first I had a huge problem with this one.  My husband and I fought about it for many weeks.  He is circumcised and so I didn't understand why he would want our son to be different from him.  We also live in an area with a high Jewish population.  I worried about him being looked as as different in the eyes of his peers in the locker room.  My husband is of the camp that he wishes that he had a choice and he feels like he was robbed of part of his manhood.  I guess I can't really relate, but can't really refute what he is saying either.  I did my research and joined a few message boards to get even more info.  I watched informative videos, too.  After doing all of this work, I have come to the conclusion that I am ok with not having him circed.  I thought you would have to clean under it, that it was unhygienic, etc., but I was totally wrong.  You are supposed to clean it like it is a finger, never forcefully pulling back the foreskin.  The foreskin eventually retracts on its own.  We have a meeting with the pediatrician this Friday and I am going to mention this to the doctor and make sure they understand that they will NOT forcefully retract the foreskin.  If they have a problem with this then I will find another doctor.  I have read horror stories related to this topic.

11.  I want the baby in our room, with us, after he is born.  Obviously if he would need some type of treatment then I want him in the NICU, but otherwise I want him with us.  Some people have told me to let him stay in the nursery so let me get some sleep, but I have waited way too long for this baby to put him in the nursery in the care of someone other than my husband and me.

I am not sure if I am forgetting anything here.  Right now I am in the process of reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.  I skipped over the first section and will go back and read it later (it deals with birth stories).  I wanted to read about the actual childbirth portion first.  Yes, this book is a little bit old and yes, she is a little crunchier than I am, but she has some interesting points.  The part about orgasmic birthing really blows my mind.

Have all of you soon-to-be mommies (pregnant or not yet pregnant) come up with a plan or are you just going to wing it?  If you are an experienced mommy, any advice would be MUCH appreciated!!

I still have to slap myself and tell myself that this is really happening.

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