Just a word of warning...this is a TMI post.  I am letting you know up front so you can choose not to read it if you are prudish or faint of heart.  I won't use any graphic terms or descriptions, but this post is about sex.  Fair warning people!

So my husband and I decided after our last miscarriage to wait 2 cycles until trying again, even though my RE said waiting 1 cycle was fine.  Knowing that my cycles are soooooo long, I decided to go on Femara in hopes of shortening my second cycle because we want to get on with things!  After the 3rd miscarriage, neither of us were very interested in "getting it on".  When we first started trying it was a lot of fun not worrying about getting pregnant, but anyone who has been trying to conceive for a while knows that baby-making-sex gets old pretty fast.  After trying so many times and having it not work, sex is pretty much associated with a negative outcome for both of us.  Plus, although they have a time and a place, neither of us are a big fan of condoms.  When you haven't used them in many years and then all of a sudden go back to them it equals issues of all sorts.  I won't get into detail, but let's just say they are uncomfortable for both of us.

In this second cycle, we have both started feeling a little better about things and have been actually feeling like having sex again.  Even though I asked him if we really needed to use a condom each time we did it, he kept me on track and told me that we should stick to our plan and wait.  I begrudgingly agreed.  Nothing like having protected sex when you so desperately want to get pregnant!

Fast forward to today.  I am not sure if it is the Femara or what, but my fertility instincts definitely kicked in.  Even though I got a negative opk this morning, I still feel like I am close to ovulating.  My husband and I got caught up in the moment and decided not to use protection.  Oops.  :-)  I think part of the fact that we shouldn't be "not using protection" made it that more appealing.

MORE TMI.  If I could say that was the only oops for the day I'd be lying.  Ok so the first time we were like, well there is no way that we'll get pregnant off of one try.  If we do, then it was meant to be.  Well I guess we had no excuse in the second round so it really wasn't an oops at all.  I feel like I am in college again!  We both knew very well that we broke our "2 cycle plan" this time and now we are just asking for it.  I can see Dr. Zhang shaking his head at me right now.  For couples that are struggling to light the fire in the bedroom, have someone tell you that you can't have sex for 2 months and see how that works out for you.

So here we are.  Now I guess I may have something to keep me occupied during the 2ww.  Just waiting patiently for that smiley face.

Lately my life seems to shift back and forth between good days and bad days.  These good and bad days usually have something to do with not being pregnant or not having a baby.  Luckily, the string of good days has gotten longer with just a few bad days sprinkled in here and there.  About a month and a half ago, all of my days were bad.  I guess time is healing me somewhat.

I am still constantly playing games with myself.  For example, some mornings I wake up and think, "Wow.  It isn't really that bad not having a child.  I can get up and get myself ready.  I don't have to worry about anyone other than myself.  I can go to the gym after work."  Then I will pass a pregnant woman or a woman with a newborn on my walk to work and I will have immediately lost my sense of well being and will return to my state of childless depression.

Sometimes I even have good days that turn into bad days...like yesterday.  Yesterday I went for a run.  The temperature was perfect, low humidity, and a nice breeze.  I felt good while running.  I felt at peace with everything.  Then I started to see (I kid you not) throngs and throngs of pregnant women or women with infants/young children.  Most of the women that I saw actually looked like teenage moms.  Many of them with 2 babies along with 2 or 3 other teenage mommies with several babies.  Not even paying attention to the kids and just yaking on their phones or listening to their ipods.  I don't know why, but that aggravates me like crazy.  **WARNING- TIME FOR IRRATIONAL VENT**  Why them and not me??  What am I being punished for?  Being responsible?  Making sure I have a place for a baby to sleep, money to buy food and clothes for the baby, and the desire to actually be a parent??!?  They can be irresponsible and get knocked up by some random Joe (or multiple random Joe's) while they are in high school and I can't seem to stay pregnant after finishing school, getting a good job, getting married, and buying a house!!  WTF?!?!  Not fair!  AHHHHHHH!  **END OF IRRATIONAL VENT**

I guess I am only human and will continue to have these days until I am finally able to hold a healthy baby in my arms.  Until then my life is going to continue to be a string of good days and bad days.  Sigh.  Happy Friday.

Another year older, that's me.  So far today has actually been an ok day... 

I am having a good hair day.
I picked out an outfit that looks good (might even say hot ;-).
A nice looking gentleman held the door for me at the train station and that NEVER happens in the morning.
The forecast is for rain, but it was sunny and warm on my walk to work.
Several cars actually stopped to let me cross at cross-walks on my walk to work and that NEVER happens either.

I guess the universe is throwing me a bone today...thank you universe.  Please keep this coming, if possible.

I haven't updated on the Femara lately, so I will do that now.  I finished with my 5 day course on Sunday.  My only real side effects were slight hair loss, slightly blurred vision, some fatigue, and the fact that I was ever so slightly more emotional than normal.  I had 2 mini-meltdowns last week.  One because I twisted my ankle while trying to go for a run one evening and the other on Mother's Day when I got a very sweet text from my sister, that lives far away, wishing me a Happy Mother's Day even though my babies are not with me.  Now the big question is, is this stuff actually doing anything to help me? 

I am on cd 11 and I had some mild cramping on my left side last night.  I think I usually switch ovulation sides each month so they could be O cramps since I ovulated on my right side last month.  So far I have not had any CM to speak of.  Normally I don't start noticing any until around cd 15-16 of a normal cycle so I would expect to have some now if my O date is deciding to move to a normal O.  I guess it could also be a side effect of the drug to have scant CM.  My temps have looked pretty normal for the follicular phase, also.  In the low 97s upper 96s.  I guess time will tell.  It is taking everything in my power to prevent this month.  I really want to go for it, but my husband is trying to be the voice of reason.  Not trying at all is almost as hard as actually trying.

Today is my last day of being 30.  My thirtieth year did NOT go how I planned it.  I am a planner by nature and so, as you can imagine, this has extremely difficult for me to accept.  I SHOULD have a baby by now. 

The year started out well.  My husband and I went on a fabulous trip to Europe to see The Netherlands, Germany, Italy and France.  We traveled by train, saw amazing sights, ate great food, and drank lots of local beers/wines.  We basically lived it up because we were under the impression that this would be our last trip as a twosome.  Once we got back to the US, it was one more month of preventing and then it was baby-making time.

The next 10 months were a blur of excitement, suspense, sadness, anxiety, hopefulness, depression, anger, jealousy, and desperation.  From the excitement of finding out that we were pregnant for the first time, to the suspense of finding out that the baby had a slow heartbeat, to the sadness when we found out that there was no heartbeat.  The anxiety and hopefulness of each subsequent positive pregnancy test to depression upon finding out that my betas were not rising appropriately or that the baby's heart was not beating fast enough.  The anger at God because I could not understand why this was happening to me when I had seemingly done everything right. The jealousy of seeing pregnant friends and the desperation of wanting a family of my own.  The last 10 months have aged me about 10 extra years.

Tomorrow I turn 31 and while I don't like the fact that I am a year older, I can honestly say that I am happy to say goodbye to 30.  It was one of the worst years of my life.  To give myself a little birthday present tomorrow, I have decided to give myself a cheat day from my painstakingly difficult diet.  I am allowing myself something sweet and 1 glass of wine.  I have been so good at following my special diet for over a month now and have endured a terribly rotten 10 months, that I am rewarding myself.  I am sure Dr. Zhang would not be happy, but I'm sorry, sometimes a girl just needs a little sugar and alcohol!

My mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday the other day and I told her "a baby".  I was obviously joking (I wish my mom had some special powers, but I think I would have used them by now), but also slightly serious.  I really don't want anything else right now except to be a mother, myself.  If you are thinking of getting me anything for my birthday this year, just please say some prayers for my husband and me that 31 is a better year.   

I am re-posting this from one of the TTC after loss forums.  Even though it made me cry when I read it, I still thought that it was beautiful.  Happy Mother's Day to ALL mommies out there with babies on the earth or in Heaven.

I am not really in the mood to write today, but I thought I would share my fortune:

The harder the fall, the higher the bounce.

I know it is a stupid fortune cookie and it probably means nothing, but it made me smile because it is so relevant right now.  I haven't smiled much this week.  Praying next week is better.