My dear friend is going though some trouble with her pregnancy right now and needs lots of prayers.  I don't have all the details, but it she has some type of hematoma that is causing serious pain and bleeding.  She is 12 weeks.  The good news is that her baby is is still doing great right now (HR 171).  She went to the ER (specific for maternal fetal medicine) last night and they basically told her that there was nothing that could be done.  They told her to go about her normal activities and to call them if she was soaking through 2 pads in 2 consecutive hours.

A little background on her, she only has one fallopian tube that had to be removed while she was going through IVF.  She has experienced a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage before her first live birth.  She gave birth to her amazing daughter a little over a year ago...an IVF miracle.  She is the cutest and most active little girl.  For this pregnancy she used some frozen embies with no meds and became pregnant.  Her pregnancy has gone ok so far although she had some spotting early on due to an early hematoma that went away.  Her 12 week ultrasound this week was fabulous, but then she started to cramp and bleed.  The worry and dread all came back for her.  :-(

I did some of my own research and this is what I found (from Just Mommies):

• There are several types of hematomas, but the most common one during the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is a subchorionic hematoma.
• A SCH is basically a blood clot between the uterine wall and the placenta.
• Normally they resolve on their own by reabsorbing into the body or leaving through the cervix as bleeding.
• Sometimes blood-thinners are given to move the process along.
• Bed rest & extra fluids is often advised.
• SCH causes an increased risk for placental abruption.
• The miscarriage rate associated with SCH is only 1-3% (This is a comforting stat).

Has anyone had or known anyone to have a SCH around 12 weeks of pregnancy and delivered a healthy baby?  I would love to offer my friend some advice and comfort.  She is so worried and upset.  I feel so bad for her because I know how awful it is to not know what is going to happen.  I am praying that everything with her little bean is perfect.  Why is it that these things seem to happen to people who have already been through so much?  Thanks for reading.

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I started practicing yoga on an infrequent basis several years ago, but I could not get into it.  I started with Vinyasa and then moved on to Restorative because I felt so inflexible and uncoordinated in the Vinyasa.  Running was always my number one passion, so that would oftentimes take precedence over yoga.  I felt like yoga wasn't enough of a physical challenge and I felt like the days that I did yoga should also include a run.  I usually didn't have time for both so running would always win out.  I pretty much stopped going for a a year or more.

After my third miscarriage, I decided that I needed to get back to yoga.  I cut way back on running, from 35-40 miles a week to 15-20 so I now had the time.  I wanted to take yoga to help me relax.  My last pregnancy, while short, caused me so much anxiety.  I was constantly anxious from the day that I got my 3rd BFP to the last ultrasound.  I would have a stomachache and headache all day.  I wasn't hungry.  I was constantly emotional and agitated.  I almost wished I wasn't even pregnant because I just couldn't deal with everything.  I went back to my old yoga studio, but decided that I should probably start out with the easiest type of yoga that I could find, Gentle Yoga. 

My first Gentle Yoga class was about 2 weeks after my last D&C.  I was completely out of shape and a ball of angry nerves.  The teacher, a kind older lady, was very welcoming.  I was the youngest participant in the class by about 15-20 years so I stuck out like a sore thumb.  We did lots of breathing exercises and slow moving stretches with some balancing.  I really liked the class and started going 2 times a week. 

After a few weeks I found that I was much more flexible and much more relaxed.  The combination of the yoga and acupuncture has made my anxiety almost non-existent.  I still have some days where I think about the "what ifs" and start freaking out a little, but those days are much fewer and far between. 

Once I got confident enough and a little stronger, I decided to go back to Vinyasa.  My studio was offering a new class with an instructor that I had never had before.  My first Vinyasa class was slightly overwhelming and not like I was used to with Gentle Yoga.  I was almost late and so I had to cram my mat into the back corner.  At Gentle Yoga, there is always space.  The instructor was in amazing shape and could bend like a barbie doll.  The flow was much faster and the poses were more contorted and difficult.  So many of the girls there were younger than me and looked like they stepped directly out of LuLu Lemon.  After that first class I was tired and sore, but I still felt refreshed and relaxed.  I liked how the instructor began class with an intention for the practice and inhaling replenishing breath and exhaling stress and worry.

I have continued to do Vinyasa once a week and Gentle Yoga once a week.  I have found that Gentle Yoga is now very easy and Vinyasa is getting easier.  In Vinyasa yesterday, I did a double pigeon for the first time.  Normally I would modify, but yesterday I went for it. 

At the end of yesterday's class we did some poses using the wall, which the instructor read some excerpts from a book.  The theme was about the fear of the unknown and how life is filled with so many twists and turns that we never know what is going to happen next.  We need to accept the things that happen in our lives and recognize that life would be so boring if we knew what was going to happen next.  Life is exciting because we never know what is going to happen.  We need to accept the things that have happened, let them go, and learn and grow.  I felt like she was speaking directly to me.  I left yesterday's class feeling so refreshed.  Life is so filled with possibilities.  I feel like I am starting again with a clean slate.

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This morning I woke up to another temperature that was above the coverline.  I wanted to chuck the stupid thermometer out the window out of pure and utter frustration.  Why won't my body just learn to cooperate with me?!?!  My temp was lower for sure, but still hovering just above that red line.  My cramps were still painful and totally felt like I should be bleeding profusely although I had nothing to show for them.

Once I got to work, the cramps got even worse.  I usually don't cramp very much before my period.  I usually get a temp drop, slight cramping, and then poof my period.  I was trying to work, doubled-over at my desk when my boss stopped by to ask me how I was "doing with everything".  She knows about my whole situation and is very sympathetic to it.  She had a few miscarriages and a still born.  She now has 2 healthy kids and a lupus diagnosis.  I complained to her about my uncooperative body and she let me whine for a few minutes.  After my rant I felt better and headed to the bathroom.  Sure enough, AF decided to make her appearance.  I have (almost) never been so excited to see her.  Now those cramps just don't seem as bad.  I am on cd 1 of the first real baby-making cycle since February.  Yay!

A few things that I have learned in this first Femara cycle:

1.  Femara helped to move my ovulation date up from day 26/27 to day 17.
2.  My opk test was positive the same day that I ovulated.
3.  I still had a significant amount of fertile CM while taking Femara.
4.  I'm not a super-fertile.  Having sex 2 times in one day during my fertile period did not get me pregnant (rats).
5.  PMS can last a week.
6.  I probably do not need progesterone supplements.
7.  Patience is a virtue and I don't have it.
8.  I don't spot before AF on or off meds.
9.  Femara did lengthen my luteal phase from 11/12 days to 15 days.
10.  My temp does not need to drop below the coverline for me to get my period.
11.  My total cycle length was 32 days.  This is in the range of NORMAL!! 
12.  No matter how many times I said that I was not trying last month, getting BFNs still hurts. 

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Apparently there is a strike going on with my body right now and apparently I didn't get the memo.  My body has decided to fail me once again and not let me finish this God-forsaken cycle.  Why is it that my body can go on strike whenever it wants and I can't cross the freaking picket line?  Enough with the metaphors, where the hell is my fucking period?

I have had cramps for the past few days and feel like I might start it at any minute except that my temp is still above the coverline and it always drops significantly on the day that I get my period.  Tomorrow is 16 dpo.  Is this just the Femara "doing its job"?  I am now beginning to dig up those fears of Asherman's syndrome again because of course one of the symptoms is feeling like you should be getting your period (i.e. cramps), but not getting it.  Fabulous.  Something to keep me up at night again.

I went for a run outside in the rain after work today just because I needed to get out and express my anger.  I hoped I might knock AF loose.  Well obviously no luck in knocking her loose, but it was good to pound the pavement for almost an hour.  I used to run almost every day, but when I got pregnant the first time I was afraid that running "might cause a miscarriage" so I stopped.  Ha.  What a joke.  I wish preventing a miscarriage was as simple as not running.  I used to be a good runner and take part in camps and get first place in my age group.  I think I even got first place female in a race before.  Now I can barely run 5 miles.  Ok I can run 5 miles with no problem, but it now takes me 42 minutes instead of 37 1/2.

I am ready to end this silly day.  I am praying that tomorrow I'll wake up with bloody sheets.  Ok that's kind of gross, but you catch my drift.

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The jokes on me...where the heck is my freaking period?!

I am definitely NOT pregnant as I had a negative blood draw this morning.  The nurse very reluctantly gave me the bad news this afternoon as I was about to sprint over from work to my acupuncture appointment.  She asked me if my period was late and I told her that it was late by 2 days.  She didn't seem worried and sort of implied that I might not have known when I actually ovulated (ha little does she know I am a psycho obsessed charter). She mentioned that next time I might want to go in around the time of ovulation to have my LH/progesterone tested to be sure.

Rewind to a little earlier today...I received this email from my husband (Yes, the subject of the email is holy f*ck, and this was sent to my work email address).

Holy F*ck My Husband [husband@emailaddress.com] Sent: Monday, June 04, 2012 2:46 PM To: D

[Name of his coworker] just told me his wife is pregnant.  He’s in his forties, has two kids already, 11 & 12.   It came up because he said he’s selling his car and he’s bummed out.  Boo fucking hoo, felt like punching him in the face

I almost wanted to laugh and cry at the same time because this is an email that I should be writing to him.  I am usually the one who is sensitive to these types of comments from others.  I guess it isn't just the women who suffer with infertility and repeated pregnancy loss.

Fast forward to my acupuncture appointment this afternoon.  I braved the wind, rain, and 50 degree temps on my 1 mile plus walk to the office from work.  The acupuncture itself was nice although people kept on slamming the main door to the office and it kept waking me up out of a peaceful rest.  I walked back to the train station from the appointment, in the wind, rain, and 50 degree temps and sprinted to the bathroom.  For some reason acupuncture makes me have to pee.  As I was washing my hands I happened to look in the mirror.  There was a serious dried blood streak down the middle of my forehead to the top of my nose.  OMG.  I looked so ridiculous like I belonged in a bad Halloween horror flick.  I am not sure how many people saw me like that.  I guess I shouldn't have adjusted my position after the needles were in place.  Oops.

Ok peeps, please pray that AF shows her face tomorrow.  I am ready for my next cycle.  It is baby-making time.

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I am not sure what is going on with my cycle.  I was all excited about ovulating on day 17 and now I am 13 dpo, getting negative tests, and I am not even having cramps anymore.  I had pretty bad cramps yesterday and I expected to get my period this morning, but instead I was greeted with a huge jump in temperature.  In fact, I recorded my cycle's highest temperature this morning.  WTF?!  I have no idea what is going on.

I did some research on Femara and longer luteal phases and I found quite a few posts regarding ladies who had longer luteal phases while taking this drug.  Some of them said their luteal phases increased by 2 days.  Apparently a 'normal' luteal phase can be any where from 10-16 days long.  I have been on the lower end of normal, but now I have a feeling that I am headed towards the higher end.  Ugh.  I was so happy to think I might have a 30 day cycle...now that is shot to hell.

I am also still feeling some dull pressure in my lower left pelvic area which I have come to the conclusion is probably a cyst or two.  I have definitely had this pain before in the cycle after my chemical pregnancy and during my last pregnancy.  I know that my sister has also had similar cysts before, as well.  I have only experienced them since being off birth control.

Tomorrow morning I go for betas and then in the afternoon I have acupuncture.  I am 100% certain that I am not pregnant this cycle.  I have none of my usual pregnancy symptoms (sore breasts, runny nose, really tired, really bloated, etc.) and the FRER I took this morning has never looked so negative.  I also just know I am not pregnant.  The last 3 times that I have been pregnant I have had a gut feeling.  This time I don't have that.  I am fine with not being pregnant, but I just want to get on with my next cycle.

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I have been a bad blogger this week.  In my defense, I have had a crazy week at work and haven't really even had time to take a lunch.  I am not sure how much I'll get to write right now, but I figure I'll give a quick update for inquiring minds.  And as an FYI, this entry took me about 6 hours total to complete!

First and foremost, I found out on Wednesday that my friend who told me that she was pregnant on Tuesday found out that she is in fact miscarrying again.  Although her HCG levels looked good, the ultrasound showed that there was only a sac and no baby, probably a blighted ovum.  They felt that for as high as her HCG levels were that they should have been able to see a heartbeat.  My heart just broke for her because I know the feeling of going to an ultrasound and having it be less than ideal.  I feel like I should have been so much happier for her than I was.  My stupid jealousy always seems to cloud everything when it comes to pregnancy.  Although she does have a child, her road to having him was so rough.  I am trying to be there for her as much as I can be right now, but I wish I could go back a few days and change my original attitude.

I have decided to start seeing an infertility/pregnancy loss psychologist.  I found a holistic practice that has counseling, nutrition, acupuncture, yoga, support groups, and seminars for people all dealing with similar situations to me.  I chatted with the psychologist this morning and have scheduled to go in an talk to her in person on June 11.  I made the decision to talk to someone because I have so much built up anger and resentment about not being able to reproduce like a normal person.  I am so jealous of my friends that it is causing me to lose friendships that I have worked years on building up.  I am sad and angry that my period is about to show up even though my husband and I had planned on NOT getting pregnant this month.  It isn't healthy that I spend so much of my time thinking about this.  I am letting so many other aspects of my life that are good fall to the wayside.

Finally, a little update on where I am with this cycle.  I have (obsessively) been taking pregnancy tests every morning.  Ok, I didn't take one today, but for the past 3 or so days I have.  They are always negative and they always set the tone for the day- negative.  My temp had been going up nicely and was setting up for a triphasic chart but today it took a complete nosedive and I have more PMS symptoms than ever.  I have also had killer menstrual cramps.  YUCK.  I expect AF to show up on Sunday.  I got for blood work on Monday.  If I don't get my period on Sunday I will test again, but I am thinking this cycle is a bust.  I am just ready to be done with this so that we can start actually trying again.  I better get some rest this weekend.  :-)

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