I am not sure what I have done lately to throw my karma so far off track, but it seems like every day I am screwing something else up and someone new is mad at me.  I always pictured pregnancy as a happy and cheerful time, but lately it has been anything but that.  Now I feel like I am always apologizing for screwing up and I forget stuff all the time.  I am the kind of person who does not need a list.  I remember EVERYTHING in my head.  I think that being responsible and conscientious and two of my good qualities.   I always pay bills on time, I remember birthdays, I email people back quickly, to name a few things.  Lately, I have forgotten to pay the electric bill twice, forgot to call my little brother on his birthday, and offended a friend-of-a-friend by not emailing her back when she took the time to offer me great advice.  So here we go again...

Several months back I got curious and I started creating the shell of a baby registry one night.  I started entering in the basic information including the due date and the sex of the baby.  There was a space for "grandparents".  I started entering with my Mom and step father first and then my MIL and her husband because I knew both of their addresses.  My Dad is deceased and I didn't have my FIL's address because they move very frequently, so I decided that I would go back and enter that later.  While I was in the registry that night, I wanted to check out a jogging stroller that my friend suggested I get, the B.OB R.evolution.  I found one I liked and added it because I didn't want to forget the kind.  At that time, the brands of baby items that are available was not as familiar to me.  Anyways, that is all I did that night.  I expected to go back later on and finish it.  Not many people even knew I was pregnant at that point so I kind of forgot about it.

Many weeks after that, a few nights before I was set to go register with my friend, I attempted to go back into the registry to update it.  Something happened with that account and I could not log in no matter what I tried.  It said my email address did not exist so I couldn't even have them email me my password.  No biggie, I thought.  I'll just have B.abies R U.s either make it usable or delete it and start a new one.

On the day I registered, I explained to the sales rep what I had done and she tried to get into the account and could not.  She told me that she could not even delete it and to create a new one and just tell people not not use the old one that would still show up.  I didn't really think anything of it.  I assumed it would be obvious that the registry with one item was a mistake and that people would move to the other one.

This morning started out great.  My fasting BS was 87, my 1 hour after breakfast was 100.  I took my dog for a walk around the block while my husband took out the trash.  He was giving me a ride to work so I had a little more time.  When I got back, I could sense something was wrong because he ignored me when I talked to him.  I asked him what the problem was and he slammed down his cell phone in front of me.  On the screen was a message from my FIL's wife (who my husband does not like, AT ALL).  Saying that she got the shower invitation from my sister (my husband did not want to invite her at all, I said we should and had my sister's send her one) and when they went to look at the registry, they saw that my FIL was not listed as a grandparent.  She said that my FIL was really upset by this and cried because he didn't understand why we left him out and he didn't think that we loved him as much as our other parents.

Knowing that it was all a misunderstanding, I calmly explained the situation to my husband.  Not sure why, but he didn't seem to believe me.  He said he was really upset by the situation.  This is when I snapped.  I pretty much flew off the handle, asking yelling how he could question me in a situation like this and think that I might have done this on purpose.  He said that rather than feeling bad about it, I felt wronged and that I should call his Dad and apologize.  I asked if he could call and explain to his Dad since I don't have a close relationship with him.  He didn't think this was a good idea.  The hits and low blows at me just kept on coming and I really couldn't take them.  We screamed at each other all the way to work until I started crying.  I'm not sure why I even bother with eye-makeup anymore since I seem to be crying it all off lately.  Then we both were silent.  When we got into the city and parked.  We both silently walked into the coffee shop, I bought us both coffee, then he left without saying anything.

Obviously, I feel terrible about this.  Thinking about my FIL being upset over this makes me feel awful.  It was a complete misunderstanding, complicated by the fact that sometimes technology gets fucked up (and fucks things up).  I had, and still have, no control over this situation.  I feel like my husband should be more on my side rather than quasi-accusing me of being spiteful.  As soon as I got to work, I called and left a voice-mail for his step-mother.  I briefly explained the situation, apologized (even though I didn't do anything), and asked that if she call me back if she wanted to chat.

Well, she called me back.  We chatted.  She rehashed the text message, making me feel guiltier, and explained again why my FIL was so upset.  I obviously understood why he might be upset if he didn't understand the entire situation.  I re-explained the what happened to her and I think she finally got it.  I apologized again and then she handed the phone to my FIL and I apologized to him, too.  I sensed that my 70 year old FIL might not have completely understood or believed me, but then again I rarely talk to him on the phone, so I may have been reading into it.  This ridiculous baby registry fiasco has already consumed my entire morning.

So now the most tension is between my husband and I.  No emails or phone calls from him.  Our baby-moon starts tomorrow and right now we hate each other.  Lots of people are telling me to stop stressing and to take it easy, but how can I when stuff like this keeps happening and I am left holding the bag each time?  Failure of any type is not something I handle well (if you haven't already noticed).

Even though I saw my therapist on Tuesday, I am still stuck in this awful rut.  Tuesday, as it turned out, was a great day for me.  I worked from home, I ate perfectly 3 hours spaced apart, I didn't test (at the allowance of the Endocrinologist), and I walked for 40 minutes on the treadmill.  This might have been why my session with the therapist didn't include any crying or breaking down.  I was feeling great.

Yesterday was a different story.  My fasting and 1 hour post-breakfast numbers were ok/good, 90 & 98 respectively.  I think I at least have the breakfast thing down.  Two links of organic turkey sausage, two pieces of low-carb whole grain bread, toasted, with all natural chunky peanut butter, and a cup of N.ewman's Own Organic Special Decaf coffee.  It is satisfying and easy.

Lunch was a different story.  We had baked a pork tenderloin the night before with ratatouille (roasted eggplant, onion, summer squash, and green/red peppers) and baked/chopped sweet potatoes so I brought that for lunch.  I had carefully measured out portions and counted the carbs.  An hour after eating that for lunch my number was 147, when it should be under 140 and ideally under 120.  Damn you sweet potatoes.  Guess that is another healthy food I just can't have for the next few months.  After this setback, my mood started to decline.

I didn't get to the gym yesterday and because it was only about 10 degrees Fahrenheit, I barely walked at all.  I don't think this helped me out.  Work was also stressful.  My boss kept calling over to me every half hour to whine and complain about the system I just delivered her.  Can you say...driving me crazy?!  Every time I would hear her say my name, I think my blood pressure would go up.

Last night I didn't feel like cooking, plus we didn't really have anything to cook, so I suggested Chinese/Japanese.  There is a place by us that we go to that has "diet" selections that I like.  Grilled chicken with mixed veggies and brown rice works for my carb/protein ratio.  I had that a few weeks back and tested fine afterwards.  My husband wasn't in the mood, but he obliged me nonetheless.  I called and ordered.  The person taking my order had extremely broken English.  This worried me.

My husband went to pick up the food and as we sat down to eat, I realized that they gave me the wrong food.  They gave me the chicken with mixed veggies in some unidentified type of sweet white sauce.  It looked (and tasted) totally gross.  This threw me into a tailspin and of course brought on the waterworks.  Frustration, anger, annoyance, hunger...it was all coming together at once and was once again, too much for me and my pregnancy hormones to handle.  I completely lost it.  I went to the freezer where I found a bag of frozen shrimp stir fry.  I angrily measured out my small one and a half cup portion and threw it in the pan.  I was seriously ready to smash something.

I ate that with a half cup of brown rice.  It was well under my carb limit of 45g (I think it was around 35g).  Unfortunately my fucked up body decided to throw another one at me and give me a 145, 1 hour after dinner, which was my worst post dinner reading by far.  Normally that is my lowest of the day.  I guess I didn't have enough protein?  I don't know. It was just too much.  I was still hungry and tired and I didn't want to wait up another hour and a half for my number to go down so that I could have a snack.  I said fuck it and I just went to bed.  It was just too much for me to handle.

As I laid in bed last night I felt the baby moving around and kicking.  It makes me sad because I am not enjoying pregnancy like I thought I would.  I cried myself to sleep.

I am worried about going out of town this weekend to MIL's and next week my husband and I are supposed to go on a mini-babymoon to see our favorite band play.  We are staying in a hotel for 3 nights.  How am I going to be able to eat what I need to eat on a schedule?  Rather than being excited for the babymoon, like I was a few weeks back, it is stressing me out.  I don't even want to go anymore.

I have been having some thoughts lately about my miscarriages and have been tying them back to this whole situation.  Was the fact that my body was aborting pregnancies on its own trying to send me the message that my body never wanted to be or should have gotten pregnant?  Did I force my body to do something that it didn't think it was capable of handling by taking meds to sustain a pregnancy?  Did I mess myself up for good?

I am not quite sure what to do at this point.  I think I am going to call my MFM doctor today and have them put me on meds.  I really hate taking anything else, but I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I am hurting the baby more by letting my body go uncontrolled like this or if the medicine will hurt him.  I feel like either way, I lose and so does my baby.

Normally, I am not excited to go to a doctor appointment.  Yesterday, I was excited to see my Endocrinologist to discuss my borderline 3 hour GTT and my difficulty controlling my fasting numbers.  When I called last week, I was shocked that they were able to get me in so fast and it worked out perfectly because I also had the day off work.

When I got to the office, I didn't really need to wait at all, which was nice.  As soon as I went in I got my A1C tested.  They also checked my weight, which was 140, so I am up 21 total and only up 1 lb in the last 3 weeks.  Thank you low carb diet.  My blood pressure and pulse were both normal.

The doctor came in and told me that my A1C was great at 4.8.  She said this means that the diet it working.  She looked at my sheet with all of my numbers on it and she was happy with most of them.  I told her that I was concerned about my fasting numbers.  She told me that, while she would like to see them below 90 that they were not that bad and that my 1 hour post meals were so good.  The one suggestion she made was possibly putting me on Metformin if I felt like it was getting to hard to control (or insulin shots at night if my MFM doctor thought that was safer).  She told me to talk to my MFM doctor first and have them call her to discuss, if necessary.  She mentioned Glyburide, but said that she doesn't like that drug because she doesn't think it works well.

She also told me to stop being so hard on myself.  She said I was doing everything right and that because my 1 hour post meals were so good, that I didn't need to test every day.  She suggested every-other-day (or randomly 1 hour after meals) and maybe continue checking the fasting daily.  I am totally fine with that.  My freaking fingers hurt.

While I was there they also had me test my TSH (1.16) and FT4 (0.7), which were both normal.  She asked me to stay on the same dosage of Levo.  They will test me again around 37 weeks.

I feel better after going to see her.  She made me feel a lot better and told me that the chances were high that I would go back to normal once the pregnancy was over.

Overall, I think I am doing better.  I have a therapy appointment today, which I am looking forward to.  We got most of our nursery furniture delivered yesterday, minus the armoire, which got crushed during the delivery.  It looks great.  I can't wait to get the room completed and show you all what it looks like.  We are also looking to trade in my 8 1/2 year old car in for a family car.  We are thinking Outback, Venza, or maybe CRV.  We test drove an Outback last weekend and I loved it!  Heated seats, Sirius Radio, navigation, leather...so much nicer than my car.  Having a car payment will suck, but with a dog and a baby, I will need the space!

I still have breakdowns every now and again and I think my hormones are just going nuts.  I am trying to be less hard on myself.  I strive for perfection and when I can't get perfection, I tend to freak out.  My husband is better at dealing with those types of setbacks than I am.  I guess that is why we are good for each other. :)  28 1/2 weeks!  I can do this!!

Today has been a much better day than yesterday was.  Last night after work I did have another breakdown.  I'll get to what brought this on in a minute (yesterday basically sucked, big time).  Luckily I have some really awesome and amazing friends.  I went over to one of my friend's houses last night and when I got there I was crying.  When I left, I was laughing.  I am so lucky to have the support that I have so close to me.  :)

Last night I did an experiment.  I woke up at 12:30 PM and had a snack of 1 graham cracker w/ a heap of peanut butter, sprinkled with cinnamon.  This morning my blood sugar reading was 89 (barely under 90, but I made it!!).  I had breakfast and cut out the raspberries.  I had a little more peanut butter.  My 1 hour reading was 107 and I had minimal issue getting blood out of my finger (yesterday it was 131, should be under 140).  Baby steps, I guess.

I have an appointment scheduled with my Endo for Monday.  I am probably being overly cautious, but I do not want to do anything that might put this poor babe in harm's way.

A few other non-related to GD topics:

Baby Shower
The reason why I was so upset last night has to do with one of my 4 showers (yes, I had 4 wedding showers and now I am having 4 baby showers, too).  The shower is being thrown by MIL/SIL, which is very nice of them, don't get me wrong.  A few months back, my husband contacted them because he was concerned that there wasn't going to be a shower.  Period.  MIL said she would plan something with their side of the family, where she lives (several hours away), but stated that she had plenty of time to work out the details.  I knew nothing about this.  A few weeks ago my sisters let me know that they were scheduling one for me, near my house.  My mom also told me that she was having a proxy shower for me in my hometown that I obviously will not be attending.

Originally, the MIL/SIL shower was going to be the second week of Feb., so I booked to have maternity photos taken at the same time at MIL's house.  Then they changed it to 1/26, then to 1/27, then back to 1/26, so I have to cancel the photo shoot.  They sent out virtual invites and FB invites last week.  Call me old fashioned, but that made me upset.  Like they didn't have the time or desire to make real ones.  They invited some of my friends that live near me, this week.  They invited friends that were already invited to other shower, which was confusing to my friends and they felt bad for not being able to attend since they had not yet received the other paper invite from my sisters.  They didn't invite other MIL (husband's step mother).  After sending out the virtual invites they changed the date.  They haven't asked for my input on food so I probably won't be able to eat anything.  Yesterday SIL informed me that only 6 people can make it to that shower (not including MIL/SIL) and she was wondering if I wanted to just cancel it.  None of my FIL's side can make it apparently.  How depressing.  I am not even sure what to do about this situation.  I don't want to go anymore.  I am not sure why they even offered to throw a shower if they were not really interested in putting thought into it.  Ugh.

Another Pregnancy Announcement
Those of you that have been following my blog for a while might remember me mentioning a girl at work who really upset me when she commented on my "size" after my first miscarriage.  Basically she asked me if I was pregnant in front of other co-workers after I had already told her, behind closed doors when she asked, that I was not.  I was humiliated by that.  She has since apologized and I have moved on.  She has become a friend actually and was very supportive earlier on in my pregnancy, surprisingly.

Over the past few months we have talked about her and her lack of a desire to get pregnant, but her husband having the opposite desire.  She talked about her reasons for not wanting kids, none of which I could ever relate to.  They have money.  She is my age, but still likes to party and go out regularly.  She used to smoke.  She doesn't eat that healthy and exercises sporadically, but she is really thin and pretty.

I found out today from another co-worker that sits by her that she is pregnant.  13 weeks or so.  She hasn't mentioned it to me.  I was supposed to have lunch with her today, where I assumed she would tell me, but she cancelled at the last minute saying she had to meet with a Realtor.

Hearing news of the pregnancy made me insanely jealous.  She hadn't been trying for long at all, based on our earlier discussions.  She didn't even want to get pregnant and didn't really know how she felt about being a mom and losing her "freedom".

I'll end this with the email trail that husband and I shared this morning regarding this discovery...


From: D
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 8:48 AM
To: Husband
Subject: RE: update
I was right…over 12 weeks preggo…  is it bad that it kind of stings?

From: Husband
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 9:54 AM
To: D
Subject: RE: update
I don’t understand this comment, right about what?  What stings?

From: D
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 9:58 AM
To: Husband
Subject: RE: update
I was right that she is pregnant.  Just that it was so easy for her and she didn’t really want it that bad to begin with.  Also because she isn’t the healthiest.  I dunno.  It is irrational.  This is why I see a therapist.

From: Husband
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 10:05 AM
To: D
Subject: RE: update
I don’t think it’s irrational at all.  It’s not a feeling you want to dwell on or think about too much, but it’s not irrational.  Just be happy with where we’re at.  I’d rather have gone through what we have gone through and have a baby who is going to be adored than to be on the fence about it and then be stuck with a baby like it or not.  Very soon we will have a beautiful little baby boy and nothing else in the world will matter.

From: D
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 10:07 AM
To: Husband
Subject: RE: update
This is one of the many reasons why I love you. :-)

From: Husband
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2013 10:07 AM
To: D
Subject: RE: update
I love you too, sooo much. :-)

Today was one of those mornings that I would like to request a do-over or wish that I would have stayed in bed to avoid completely.  I'll give a little background first before I start, yet another, depressing post.

I got my test results back from my 3 hour GTT yesterday.  The results were rather inconclusive.  The nurse who wrote the letter stated that, in their MFM practice, one failed test is borderline and not a flat out GD diagnosis.  She said that I barely passed the second screen (and my 3 hour was just weird) so that I should think about self-testing.

So I am in the waiting room at the hospital.  I decided to do a little timeline of events since so many people have asked what the 3 hour GTT is and how it affects people.  I am going to be the real life guinea pig for anyone that wants or cares to know.  Here goes:

So I might be jumping the gun here (or maybe not), but I went out on Friday afternoon and bought a blood glucose monitor.  When I went to C.VS to purchase this monitor, I had no idea that there was more involved than just the monitor.  I saw the O.netouch Mini on sale for $9.99 and I was sold.  I then realized that you also needed lancets for $12.79 (ouch), control solution for $10.99, and test strips for a whopping $29.49.  Oh and you only get 25 test strips for that amount of money.  The total at C.VS was $64.48 after my $6.50 in "E.xtra B.ucks".  They keep the test strips behind the counter because they are so expensive, small and thus and easy to steal (I feel for the poor diabetic with no insurance coverage that tries to go in and steal test strips only to find that they are locked behind the pharmacy counter).

The pharmacist asked if I was sure I wanted to buy the test strips without a prescription.  I told him that I wasn't diagnosed officially yet and just wanted to get a handle on things in advance.  He started making some jokes and then could tell that I was not really in the mood so he stopped.  Nothing really funny about diabetes, my friend.  Thanks, though.

I took my diabetic goodie bag home and dumped the goods on the table.  I opened the instructions and found them to be the size of a AAA map with tiny writing.  I was way too overwhelmed so I asked my husband if he would learn how to use it and then show me in the AM.  He agreed with no complaints.  Just a hunch, but I think he might feel bad for me.  He is much better with directions to complicated devices than I am.  How do old people figure out how to use these things (and see the instructions)?!

The schedule that I found for testing on most GD websites has been, first thing in the AM and then 1 or 2 hours after each meal.  I decided to adopt this pretty basic plan.  Based off of ADA guidelines the following is true: Fasting blood glucose should be 95 mg/dl or less and one hour after a meal, glucose levels should be 140 mg/dl or less. Two hours after a meal, blood glucose levels should be 120 mg/dl or less.

On Saturday morning I decided to start my experiment, already several days into my new diet.  I decided to test fasting and 2 hours after each meal since I read on one of the forums that this is what most MFM doctors suggest.  The worst part if getting my fingers to bleed enough, especially in the AM.  I sometimes have to prick my finger 4 times to get enough blood.  I have already developed a hematoma under one of my fingers.  Here are my numbers so far: