30 years

Monday, May 14, 2012

Today is my last day of being 30.  My thirtieth year did NOT go how I planned it.  I am a planner by nature and so, as you can imagine, this has extremely difficult for me to accept.  I SHOULD have a baby by now. 

The year started out well.  My husband and I went on a fabulous trip to Europe to see The Netherlands, Germany, Italy and France.  We traveled by train, saw amazing sights, ate great food, and drank lots of local beers/wines.  We basically lived it up because we were under the impression that this would be our last trip as a twosome.  Once we got back to the US, it was one more month of preventing and then it was baby-making time.

The next 10 months were a blur of excitement, suspense, sadness, anxiety, hopefulness, depression, anger, jealousy, and desperation.  From the excitement of finding out that we were pregnant for the first time, to the suspense of finding out that the baby had a slow heartbeat, to the sadness when we found out that there was no heartbeat.  The anxiety and hopefulness of each subsequent positive pregnancy test to depression upon finding out that my betas were not rising appropriately or that the baby's heart was not beating fast enough.  The anger at God because I could not understand why this was happening to me when I had seemingly done everything right. The jealousy of seeing pregnant friends and the desperation of wanting a family of my own.  The last 10 months have aged me about 10 extra years.

Tomorrow I turn 31 and while I don't like the fact that I am a year older, I can honestly say that I am happy to say goodbye to 30.  It was one of the worst years of my life.  To give myself a little birthday present tomorrow, I have decided to give myself a cheat day from my painstakingly difficult diet.  I am allowing myself something sweet and 1 glass of wine.  I have been so good at following my special diet for over a month now and have endured a terribly rotten 10 months, that I am rewarding myself.  I am sure Dr. Zhang would not be happy, but I'm sorry, sometimes a girl just needs a little sugar and alcohol!

My mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday the other day and I told her "a baby".  I was obviously joking (I wish my mom had some special powers, but I think I would have used them by now), but also slightly serious.  I really don't want anything else right now except to be a mother, myself.  If you are thinking of getting me anything for my birthday this year, just please say some prayers for my husband and me that 31 is a better year.   

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