Good days/bad days

Friday, May 18, 2012

Lately my life seems to shift back and forth between good days and bad days.  These good and bad days usually have something to do with not being pregnant or not having a baby.  Luckily, the string of good days has gotten longer with just a few bad days sprinkled in here and there.  About a month and a half ago, all of my days were bad.  I guess time is healing me somewhat.

I am still constantly playing games with myself.  For example, some mornings I wake up and think, "Wow.  It isn't really that bad not having a child.  I can get up and get myself ready.  I don't have to worry about anyone other than myself.  I can go to the gym after work."  Then I will pass a pregnant woman or a woman with a newborn on my walk to work and I will have immediately lost my sense of well being and will return to my state of childless depression.

Sometimes I even have good days that turn into bad yesterday.  Yesterday I went for a run.  The temperature was perfect, low humidity, and a nice breeze.  I felt good while running.  I felt at peace with everything.  Then I started to see (I kid you not) throngs and throngs of pregnant women or women with infants/young children.  Most of the women that I saw actually looked like teenage moms.  Many of them with 2 babies along with 2 or 3 other teenage mommies with several babies.  Not even paying attention to the kids and just yaking on their phones or listening to their ipods.  I don't know why, but that aggravates me like crazy.  **WARNING- TIME FOR IRRATIONAL VENT**  Why them and not me??  What am I being punished for?  Being responsible?  Making sure I have a place for a baby to sleep, money to buy food and clothes for the baby, and the desire to actually be a parent??!?  They can be irresponsible and get knocked up by some random Joe (or multiple random Joe's) while they are in high school and I can't seem to stay pregnant after finishing school, getting a good job, getting married, and buying a house!!  WTF?!?!  Not fair!  AHHHHHHH!  **END OF IRRATIONAL VENT**

I guess I am only human and will continue to have these days until I am finally able to hold a healthy baby in my arms.  Until then my life is going to continue to be a string of good days and bad days.  Sigh.  Happy Friday.

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