Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I think the only thing that is more annoying than having PMS is being annoyed that I am annoyed about having PMS if that makes any sense.  I 'woke up' sweating and with terrible cramps this morning.  I put the words woke up in quotes because I really never fell asleep last night.  I am in a heinous mood and mostly because I know that my period is about to show up 3-4 days from now.  I am annoyed that I am annoyed because it wasn't my intention to get pregnant this cycle so I am not really sure why I am so upset about not being pregnant.  It was an accident that we had sex during my fertile window so why is this bothering me so much?? 

Honestly, if I hadn't found out yet another person is pregnant it might not be bothering me so much.  I tend to compare myself to others and it really bothers me when I perceive myself as falling behind.  I am getting pregnancy lapped by all of my friends.  They are on their second and I can't even have one.  Yes, I know it is irrational and ridiculous, but this is just how I operate.  I am constantly comparing myself to others: Am I as successful?  Am I as healthy?  Am I as pretty?  Is my house as nice?  Do I have as much money?  All of those things I can control to some extent.  This I can't control no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I can.  I get angrier and angrier each time I fail at this. 

It is times like these that I wish that I had a crystal ball to look into to see where I am 2 years from now.  Maybe I will be stuck right in the same place.  Maybe I will have a child.  Maybe I will have been committed to a mental institution.  It actually kind of scares me to think about the future.  All of the "what ifs" and "maybes" frighten me.

So here I am sitting at my desk.  Ready to snap at anyone that tries to cross me or cry if someone says the wrong thing or asks me what is wrong.  I am not a happy camper today and it shows.  Better to keep your distance.  I hope tomorrow will be a better day for me.  PMS please go away!

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2 Responses to “PMS?”

  1. Hello! I just saw your blog listed on LFCA and wanted to come over to say hi and to welcome you to the blogging world. I chose to comment on this post because I like the first line - yep, that makes great sense! I'm so sorry about your losses. I had one in January and was devastated. Good luck as you continue your journey - I will be cheering you along!

  2. Yep, I could've written this...time and time again!