Yesterday I met 1-on-1 with the psychologist that leads up the infertility/loss sessions that I am going to.  I filled out a bunch of paperwork regarding my medical situation as well and my 'mental' situation.  This session with the psychologist was just for her to get a baseline read on where I was in the whole infertility process and have her assess how much I might need to adapt.  We went through things such as how long I have been TTC, my loss history, what doctor I am seeing, what meds/supplements I am on, what I am eating, and how much I am exercising.  In the exercise section, I wrote 4-5 times a week of running/cardio plus some light weights for 45 minutes to an hour plus one, sixty minute, vinyasa yoga session a week.  As soon as we got to the exercise section, I knew there was an issue.  She shook her head and said, "You aren't going to like this, but you will need to cut out the running."

I was pretty shocked because I had asked my RE about running several months back and she told me there was no issue with it at the level that I was currently running.  Also, my acupuncturist said I should continue running at the same levels.   I told the psychologist this and she said that if I want to maximize the results of my current medical treatment and the program, that I need to stop doing any type of activity that causes my heart rate to exceed 110 bpm.  She even told me that vinyasa yoga was considered a no no during this fragile TTC time and switch to hatha (old people's gentle yoga).  Now I can remember my OB telling me to not get my heart rate above 140 when I was pregnant and that makes sense, but under 110 when trying to get pregnant?  Really? 

She could see that I was fairly distressed about this.  Exercise is one of the only things that helps keeps me sane.  I have already cut back on my running immensely.  I asked her why I needed to keep my heart rate so low and she mentioned that it was best to keep my body under the least amount of stress possible (good or bad apparently).  She said it was just temporary and if I wanted the program to help me get pregnant then I should listen.  She also told me to stop eating any fat-free dairy products and move to either low or full fat versions.  More good news.  I hate higher fat versions of anything.

After being diagnosed as an exercise addict and a having a high-fat aversion, the psychologist decided to lay one more on me.  She said she felt that I had low level depression brought about by infertility based on my answers to other items in the questionnaire.  She told me that most of the session participants had at least a low level of depression like myself and that this was normal under the circumstances.  I have never been depressed in my life (except for right after my Dad died). 

When I got home I felt just wonderful about myself.  I called my husband and told him I was going to take the dog for a walk since the psychologist told me to stop running.  I could tell my husband was peeved by this.  He thinks I am crazy for doing all of this stuff: the RE, the acupuncturist, the special diets, the supplements, the therapist, the infertility/loss sessions, and the general obsession with this whole process.  He thinks I should just go back to my normal self.  That normal self was able to get pregnant with no issues.  This hyper-aware and proactive self is having trouble.  What gives? 

So now I am left with walking and whole milk.  How boring and yuck.  Should I listen to this advice or keep on doing my thing?  I am so confused.  Anyone have a happy pill I could take?  Or better yet, a pill that will make me pregnant right now?  Can someone please invent that?!

Last night was my first group infertility/loss therapy session.  I left as soon as I got home from work, which left me an hour to get there.  To my dismay, the traffic was horrendous!  I found myself quite stressed out and banging on my steering wheel at some points because of the ridiculousness of it.  No accident, no construction, just idiot drivers constantly switching lanes and slowing the flow of traffic to a slow crawl.  Can you tell my normal commute consists of me sleeping on the train?  It ended up taking me over an hour to get there so of course I was late.  Not a good way to start off the evening.

I walked in to see a group of people, males and females, sitting in a circle.  Apparently I didn't get the memo that husbands were supposed to go last night!  Luckily I wasn't the only one who didn't get that snippet of info, but it made things even more awkward for me.  Sigh.

We spent the first half hour or so learning about the origins of the program and its founder.  The therapist, whom I had spoken with before, talked a little bit about her background with loss and infertility.  We talked about the connection with stress and infertility and how the course would help us learn how to cope.  Included in the program were 2 peer counselors who had been through the program before.  They spoke about their experiences and how much they had been helped as a result of taking the class.  Both of those ladies were currently undergoing IVF.

Next, we went around the circle (there were about 12 ladies total, plus most with their spouses) and gave some information about ourselves including our names, where we lived/were from, one interesting thing about us, and what we hoped to gain from the program.  As we went around the room and participants gave their information, I found that almost every single one of them had similar reasons for being there.  Some were Type A and stressed out.  Some needed help healing with anxiety.  Some had control issues that were being seriously tested.  Some people's intros were very teary and tissues were passed around freely. 

When it came to be my turn to share (I was last), I mentioned that I was the oldest of 7 with my youngest sibling being only 12.  I told them my main goal from the program is to learn better coping skills to deal with my intense jealousy of pregnant women.  I mentioned that I feel like everyone around me is pregnant or just had a baby.  When I said this, literally every girl in the group nodded.  How nice to be in a group where EVERYONE understands what I am going through.  I felt so much more relaxed after sharing.

After that we were assigned a buddy and had 15 minutes to chat with them and get acquainted.  This buddy is someone who we are supposed to check in with regularly through the week during the program and beyond.  Of course my buddy was the only one that was not there!  She was on vacation so I will need to contact here via email this week.  I spent the 15 minutes talking to one of the peer counselors during the buddy time.  She was shocked to learn that I was not currently undergoing IUI or IVF.  I told her that I was taking Femara with TI and she looked at me like I had 6 heads.  At first it seemed like she thought I didn't really "need" to be there.  Then I explained my 3 miscarriages in 1 year and she immediately changed her tone.  I think she almost felt bad for making me have to justify. 

We ended yesterday evening by going over the schedule and doing a relaxing breathing exercise.  We received a binder with all of the course material, a book that was written by the program founder, a relaxation meditation CD and an infertility yoga CD.  Overall I am excited for this.  I think (besides the dreaded drive) it will give me something to look forward to for the next couple of weeks. 

Tomorrow will mark 1 full year of TTC for my husband and I.  This is not an anniversary that I ever thought I would have to endure.  July 9, 2011 marked the beginning of the cycle that I would conceive for the first time.  It has been a little over a year that I saw this beautiful BFP.

It is official.  Femara cycle #2 was a bust.  Apparently 8 days in a row of having sex while taking meds to help improve ovulation does NOT equal a baby.

I woke up yesterday to a much lower temp.  I had serious cramps and some lower back pain on Wednesday so I knew I was going to get my period, it was just a matter of when.  Last month I had days and days of cramps until AF decided to show up.  This month I had less warning.

We went to the beach with some of the very few single friends that we have left that also don't have kids.  My cramps had subsided and it was only 14 dpo so I figured I had until at least today before I would get my period.  WRONG!  I took a long trek to the bathrooms because, as usual, I had to pee and hate going in the ocean...yuck.  Bang, there she was.  Luckily I caught it before too much bathing suit damage was done.  Only problem was that I didn't have a tampon.  Luckily my husband had made a purchase at the snack bar so I was able to snag a quarter from him to buy one in the ladies room.  Then it was just my luck that as I was coming out of the bathroom stall with proof that we DID NOT MAKE A BABY this month, an 8 month pregnant women ran right into me.  That was seriously the only pregnant woman I saw on the beach yesterday.  WTF?!

Now on to a few things about this failed cycle...

1.  I ovulated one day earlier this cycle, up to 16.  I have now ovulated up to 11 days earlier than in my previous cycles.

2.  I had a 13 day LP this cycle.  I thought that LPs were supposed to remain consistent from cycle to cycle.  Mine have been 11, 12, 15, 13.  Not consistent at all.

3.  This past cycle was 29 days.  This is compared to my longest of 42 days back in October.

4.  This is the longest that I have gone without being pregnant in quite some time.  I have always gotten pregnant on the first try every time for 3 pregnancies.  Now I have gone 3 cycles without getting pregnant.

5.  I am not sure what went wrong this cycle?  Was it being sick right around O?  Was it lack of CM?  Was it the heat?  All of that money towards acupuncture and eating an entire pineapple didn't work.  What gives?

6.  The only silver lining that I see here is that, because I did not get pregnant on this cycle, I can stay enrolled in the group therapy sessions.  Apparently, if you get pregnant while in the program you can stay, but if you were to get pregnant before the start of the program then you were not allowed to join.  I need this program pregnant or not so luckily now I can still go.  Thankfully my first session is Monday.  

I am now on cd 2.  It seems like there are quite a few other ladies in the same boat with me who have just gotten AF.  Ladies, let's hope that this month is successful for us!

I caved and tested this morning.  I wasn't feeling pregnant, but I am just sick of not knowing one way or another.  As I expected, an unquestionable BFN.  Even though I have been expecting this for this cycle due to the fact that I was so sick right around O, it doesn't make it hurt any less.  We did have sex 8 days in a row right around my fertile period.  If I could, I would scream and cry and pound my fists on the floor.  I can't do that though because I don't want my husband to think I am a total psycho.  Instead, I am going to just pretend like it's not that big of a deal and start planning next month around my stupid cycle.

Last night we went to our local fireworks with our dog.  We were literally the only 30 something couple there without children.  I pointed this out to my husband and he proceeded to ask me if I could go one day without bringing up this type of depressing comment.  I pointed out that I didn't make a depressing comment yesterday.  Not the kind of fight I want to get into.

We were supposed to go to a BBQ at a friend's house today, but now I don't feel like going.  One of my friends that got pregnant by accident might be there and I definitely am in no mood to face her and her new perfect baby today.  Instead, I am going to first go to the gym and kick my own ass there.  Next, I am going to take out my aggression on a paint brush and paint my dining room.  Then maybe I'll go to Home Goods and buy some shelves.  Fun times.

I thought this medicine that I was taking was supposed to help me get pregnant.  It seems like it is only hurting me.  I never had trouble getting pregnant before, only had trouble sustaining the pregnancy.  Now I am having trouble getting pregnant.  What gives?  If this next cycle isn't successful, I might just go off the meds completely and contend with my long cycle.  I have totally painted a rain cloud over this day.  Happy 4th of July.

Whew!  It has been a whirlwind past several days.  I feel like I haven't had time to myself in forever!  I feel like I have been using lots of bullets lately, but I think that it is probably the best way to catch up at this point rather than writing a novella!  :-)

• It all started on Thursday with the movie shoot.  I had to be on location at 8 AM to sign lots of papers and go through wardrobe.  They told us to wear mom clothes with the essence of Kmart/ JCPenney.  Too bad, I own nothing from either place and am not a mom.  :(  Luckily I own a few things from Ann Taylor that I was able to piece together. I passed through wardrobe without a costume change!  After that I sat.  I sat for hours...until about 7 PM.  Luckily I knew someone there and I made several friends.  Finally they called us to the set around 7 and then it was more sitting as we filmed a dance recital scene at an elementary school.  We were filming for about 4 1/2 hours.  I didn't leave the location until midnight!  The good news is that I think I might be in the movie!!  I was seated right behind the stars of the movie and was in the last group to leave for the night.  All and all it was a good experience.  I think that was the first and last movie that I am going to take part in though!
• I ended up not going to work on Friday since I got home so late and didn't have any time to pack for my trip.  I had to rush around to get everything ready and then meet my sister to catch the train.  The weekend was really nice, but the 90 plus degree heat every day was a little bit much.  We walked around a lot, enjoyed some good food, and had some good conversation.  We got to meet my sister's boyfriend's parents who were really nice.  I am seeing a ring in her not so distant future!  The ride home yesterday was long due to bad weather.  Our train was about an hour delayed so I got home pretty late and didn't even have time to unpack. 
• It is nice to say that I really didn't think too much about babies, pregnancy, or lack of pregnancy at all this past weekend.  Cycle-wise, I am pretty sure that I am out, though.  My temps were weird all weekend and kept going down.  They were back up today, but I just have a feel that this is not our month.  I have slightly sore breasts, cramps and PMS.  I am also so tired, but that is probably just because of my busy weekend.  One more thing that I have noticed is a stabbing pain in my lower abdomen.  Fabulous!  I have not tested yet.  I am only at 11 dpo and trying to stay strong.  Friday is supposed to be blood test day, but I am out of the office and since my doctor is near my work, if I get my period before then and take a negative test on my own, I am not going for the blood-work.  I hate waiting for a call that I know is to tell me that I am NOT PREGNANT.