In continuation of my guest blogger Thursday's, my sister has written me a post for today.  She is the 3rd sister in the birth order of my siblings and I (I am the oldest).  She is 28 years old and is the only sister that lives near me.  She has been amazing through the past year and has helped me through some pretty terrible and sad times.  She is optimistic and always helps me to see the silver lining.  I am lucky and thankful to have her as a little sis (even though sometimes her advice is as good as that of a bigger sis).  :)

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***Warning- this is kind of long and kind of an uncomfortable topic***

I made the decision to "come out" about my pregnancy to my group therapy leader after my first ultrasound at 5 1/2 weeks.  I thought about quitting the group completely, but then I remembered how much I had paid for it and how much of a benefit that I saw after just a few weeks of going.  I sent her an email and explained to her that I was not ready to tell anyone else yet.  She agreed to keep it between us, but she encouraged me to let her tell the others (group policy) as soon as I felt comfortable.

In the group, we have had a steady stream of bad news over the past few weeks.  Learning of one girl's issue with MFI, another girl's chemical pregnancy and being told by a doctor that she was in for a "marathon and not a sprint", and yet another girls issue with bad eggs, made me not want to divulge my information. 

Not feeling comfortable enough to share with the group kind of bothered me though because I signed up for the group and fully disclosed that my issue was not with getting pregnant necessarily, but with staying pregnant (also considered by doctors as "infertility").  Some of the girls had issue with the fact that I was not doing IVF and mentioned to me that they were jealous that I was ever able to get pregnant even though I miscarried habitually.  I am the only one in the group who is not currently undergoing IVF or waiting on the bench to start (one other girl just finished her last IUI and is now moving to IVF).  This always made me feel slightly awkward.

Another thing that bothered me was the whole "buddy assignment".  I was paired up with a buddy who lives the closest to me, which was basically no one, so they set me up with someone who lives near my work.  She is a very nice person, don't get me wrong, but we have absolutely nothing in common other than the desire to have a baby.  She is 10 years older than me.  She was recently married.  She is being denied infertility coverage because of her age and her FSH level.  She is possibly looking into egg donation.  I am totally jealous of other girls in the group who have formed close friendships with their buddies.  They even have get-togethers with their husbands.  We are supposed to call or visit our buddies weekly outside of the group.  I have made attempts to contact my buddy through email and have even tried to get together (I got sick).  She hasn't even made an effort to email me other than in response to one of my emails.  I haven't even talked to her in the past 2-3 weeks because I basically gave up.  What's the point?

I attended a session about a week and a half ago and I found myself lying when people asked me about where I was in my treatment.  I told everyone that asked that we were taking a break and left it at that.  Basically, after I found out that I was pregnant, I started to get less and less out of the group because I stopped sharing.  I even skipped last week's session.  After finally getting a pregnancy announcement from one of the girls last Thursday, I decided to let the leader spill it to everyone.  I was nervous, but done with the hiding.

Last night we had a session where husbands were encouraged to attend.  I dragged my husband there.  He wanted to go to Crossfit, but agreed that he would go, for me.  The guys had their own session while we had a Q&A session with the founder of the program.  Immediately upon walking into the room, I noticed a different attitude towards me from the girls.  No one said hi.  No one made eye contact with me.  Everyone was kind of whispering.  It was like I was the uncool kid in first grade that no one wanted to associate with.  I felt totally uncomfortable and probably should have just left then.

I brought some food/paper products as one of those assigned to bring food for the evening.  As I was arranging stuff in bowls, one of the girls (who I actually find to be the most genuine and nice) touched my shoulder and whispered, "Congrats.  I am so happy for you."  I thanked her and told her how nervous I was about everything and she said she totally understood.  I felt a little better after that.

The session itself was ok although I felt weird because no one would talk to me before the conversation started.  I tried making jokes and small talk and no one would even slightly entertain me.  Most of the questions were centered around egg donation and insurance coverage, which I am not that interested in.  We talked very little about adoption, which I am interested in.  I really wanted to ask a question about RPL, but could not get a word in edgewise.  Several of the girls monopolized the entire conversation.  I didn't even end up opening my mouth.  I think I was the only one who didn't.

After the speaker left, and before the guys came back, the group leader started talking.  I had to pee really bad so I made a quiet exit.  I was only gone for 3-4 minutes at most.  When I got back the entire conversation had changed somehow to "elephants in the room" and people "dealing" with those that were newly pregnant.  Ironically enough, this conversation started when I left the room and coming into it after it was started made me feel really awkward.  The other pregnant girl in the room started talking about her experiences with being newly pregnant and her buddy quickly chimed in saying that she was so happy for her and that it gave her so much hope.  Other girls also chimed in and said how happy they were for her.  After all, she went through 4 rounds of IVF, I did not.  I guess losing 3 babies in a year isn't a big deal to most of those girls since I could get pregnant.  No one mentioned me.  No one acknowledged that I was also pregnant.  I almost felt like I wasn't even there.  This conversation seemed to go on forever.  At one point I decided I had enough and was going to say something to stop all of the tension, but then the guys paraded back in and that was the end of that. 

My husband came in and immediately sensed my tension level.  He asked if I was ok and I nodded.  We still had an hour of the session left.  The group leader mentioned that we finished early so she was going to let us all out ahead of schedule.  I was jumping for joy inside.  Then at the last minute she decided to do a group relaxation exercise.  I felt the wind knocked out of me.  I don't think I have ever been so tense during a relaxation, EVER.  I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to leave.

After the relaxation she said we were free to mingle with everyone else or we could head off.  I gathered up my bowls and tried to pawn off the rest of the leftover food, but everyone ignored me.  Seriously.  My husband helped me pick up and then I told him I was ready to go.  He said goodbye to several guys and they responded back.  I said goodbye and no one even turned around.  Everyone was busy chatting.  Everyone but me.

I need more time to process everything before I can write about how this all really made me feel.  I know that infertility is hard.  I have been dealing with it for a while now.  Seeing others get pregnant is hard and it fucking sucks because it is them and not you.  I hate it.  I fucking get it.  I have watched my friend get pregnant with their second child when I can't even seem to have one.  At least show a little compassion for me knowing that getting pregnant isn't my hardest battle and tell me that it is hard to hear about yet another pregnancy, but acknowledging my struggle.  Acknowledge that I am here.  Acknowledge that the hardest part for me lies just ahead.  Give me a little support since that is what the group is supposed to be about.

Needless to say, I will NOT be returning to that group. 

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I can't believe that my little angel is turning 4 today.  It seems like just yesterday we were driving him home from the breeder's house in his little "baby's blankie" that he then, a few hours later, made a complete mess on.  I remember the first night in his crate when he was crying so loud and all I wanted to do was snuggle him.  I remember him getting fresh with my cats and always having little gashes on his nose from their scratches.  I remember him starting out as the worst "kid" in his obedience class, but graduating as one of the best.

He has been mischievous though and gotten in to trouble several times, too.  Then there was the time that he snuck off on Christmas Eve and ate 2 tampons then puked them up.  Or the time that he ate some cotton make-up remover pads and I spent several hours on the phone with poison control trying to figure how to make him recover (lots of wheat bread and Triscuits, haha).  There have also been several incidents involving him climbing up on the counter to get something like butter or cheese.

He has grown up to be such a great companion and has gotten my husband and I through some really rough times over the past year.  He is always willing to go for a walk or to snuggle up and take a nap.  He will retrieve for hours if you have a tennis ball to throw him.  He is truly man (and woman's) best friend.

Here are some pictures of him through the years from looking like a rat to being the handsome boy that he is today.  Happy Birthday to my "Son Dog"!!

 

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Today was a very emotional day for my husband and I.  Neither of us slept very well and once we finally got out of bed, neither of us wanted to talk about where we were about to go and what we were about to do.  

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Hi everyone.  You are probably sick of listening to me day and and day out, especially since you know all I am going to do is tell you how anxious I am about tomorrow's ultrasound, AGAIN.  I figured that I would start giving up the white space once a week or every other week (depends on how much interest I can muster up amongst my loved ones) to someone close to me who is going through this journey with me.  Keep in mind that the below was written by my husband has not been edited in any way by me.  It is all written in his words.  Enjoy!

I've been asked by my wife to write this guest blog.  A change of pace from the emails I write at work every day.  I suppose I can be a little more open and honest, which is refreshing.  Most of, well I guess all of, the writing I do is to colleagues and business partners.  I don't often get to type phrases like, "that is the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you must have been dropped as a child" or "you clearly have no fucking idea what you're talking about, is this your first day?", though I'm tempted on a daily basis to do so.  These are also phrases I've had to refrain from uttering to doctors, nurses and the occasional friend over the past year.

Lately I've been extremely busy at work which has been good.  Both because it means I'm making money (I can't lie, it's a good feeling) and because it keeps my mind off of the situation at hand.  Don't get me wrong, I'm fully involved and try to be supportive of my wife at all times.  After all, she has to deal with the physical aspect of this as well as the mental; she's got it much harder in this than I ever will.  But rather than sit at work preoccupied with all of the terrible thoughts going through my head I've been forced to stay on task and get things done.  But when I do have time to reflect I'm as confused as ever.  Now on the fourth time around it's harder than ever to know how to feel.  I've had my heart broken 3 times so I'm guarded.  At the same time I'm so excited.  I never thought that I would be a father, now it's all that matters to me.  It can't happen four times in a row, right?  No tests have shown anything wrong with either of us, we're healthy, relatively young.  All the doctors have said about the first three losses is that it's basically just bad luck.  That's pretty fucking bad luck.  How many mirrors have I broken in my life...?

So tomorrow we go for an ultrasound at which we should hear a heartbeat.  Though I want to find out, I'm kind of dreading it.  God I fucking hate that place.  All I've ever experienced is them searching and searching, measuring, readjusting, trying again, and again...the tech isn't saying anything, it's bad news, shit, I can see it in her face, call in the senior tech to see if she can find anything better, nothing.  It's hard to be positive when that's all you know.  But my wife is different this time, so I'm hopeful.  I have to be.  She seems to be having continuing pregnancy-like symptoms which is good.  And it can't happen four times in a row......right??

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In all my years of owning a cell phone (since the year 2000, I believe) I have never had to hear the unfriendly reminder message that my mailbox was full and that I should delete some saved messages so that I could continue receiving new ones.  Well I got to hear that message for the first time today when I saw that I had 4 new voicemails and immediately upon dialing voicemail, I got the unfriendly reminder.  Oops.

My 4 new voicemails included 2 automated messages reminding me of my ultrasound and follow-up with my RE on Friday.  Gulp.  The next one was a message from one of my RE's nurses saying that they wanted to up my does of Levo to 50 mcg.  The message after that was also from the same nurse telling me that she had misread my chart and that I could stay on the 25 mcg as long as I came back for a follow-up in 3 weeks.  Sigh.  Another mix-up.  The story of my life with that place.  At least they were able to correct it without getting me involved.

After listening to and deleting the new messages I moved on to the archived messages.  I hate deleting old messages because I hate listening to them.  I hate listening to them even more so when I know that my last year has been littered with upsetting messages.  I had no idea how far back those messages went and what I had kept, but I quickly found out.

The first, oldest, and most upsetting message was from the hospital calling to confirm my D&C in March.  I listened up until the point of them telling me not to eat or drink anything for 12 hours prior and I lost it.  Completely bawling my eyes out.  Why on earth did I save that message?  Talk about ripping off a scab.  Delete.

Next few messages were from my mortgage company regarding my refinance that has been going on since, yes, March and is still not closed.  Reminds me to call those assholes tomorrow to see what the hell is up with that.  Delete, delete, delete, delete...

The next most upsetting message was from my RE explaining that results of my last baby's chromosome analysis was abnormal for isochromosome 8 and that is what "explained" my last miscarriage.  More tears.  I guess I just saved it in case I needed to go back and research it later.  Delete.

I had a couple of messages from the psychologist's office confirming appointments and giving directions.  No need to keep those...delete, delete.

After a few more stupid messages from the fertility pharmacy and FedEx, the last message made me cry, again.  It was recent.  From the one of my RE's nurses (the one I like the best) wishing me congratulations on my very positive pregnancy test.  I lost it again.  You can imagine my dog staring at me in complete wonder when I would cry, delete, cry, delete.  He laid his head on my lap and looked at me with the kind of worry that only a doggie has.  Gosh, I love him.

I didn't delete that message.  I couldn't.  It was the only happy one out of them all, but it still made me cry.  They weren't tears of joy either, unfortunately.  They were anxious tears.  Uncertain tears.  Worried tears.  Will I ever not feel this way?  Worried that at any minute the rug is going to be pulled out from under me yet again?  Scared that this child might have the same fate as the last 3?  I am trying so hard to be positive, but I am failing at that.  My thoughts always go back to negative "what ifs?".

Sorry for all of the really depressed sounding posts lately.  As Trisha at The Elusive Second Line mentioned in her post today, I am not always sad and depressed, either.  Normally I am a fun and cheery person.  I have always been optimistic, but realistic.  I am sort of all over the place right now, up and down, side to side, and I feel like I can really share all of those thoughts in this venue without judgement.  So thanks to you all, my therapists.  Thanks for continuing to read, continuing to really listen, and continuing to comment when you can.  You have no idea how much it means to me.

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Hi ICLW!  Not sure if many are interested in my blog anymore now that I am sort of pregnant, but in case you have also dealt with RPL or loss of any kind you may be in my shoes now or very soon and may be interested in hearing my thoughts.  It is a scary and rather lonely place to be, pregnancy after loss.  You can check out my previous ICLW post to get a handle on the numbers and a look at my timeline to get a little more background on me and my situation.

For this post I figured that I would just do some random thoughts about where I am right now physically, mentally, etc.  This might be a complete mess when I am done with it, but I am not in a particularly organized type of mood this afternoon.  Apologies in advance to anyone reading this!

• I am approximately 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant on my 4th pregnancy in a little over a year.
• I got pregnant for the 4th time on my 3rd Femara cycle with a combination of timed intercourse, OPKs, charting, P.reSeed, M.ucinex, pineapple core (4dpo-8dpo).
• So far I have told some of my immediate family, a few very close IRL friends, and the blogisphere about my pregnancy.  Other than that, no one will find out until I hit 13-14 weeks if I can hide it physically.
• I have minor pregnancy symptoms that include: slightly sore boobs, increased white CM, increased sense of smell (i.e. everything smells gross), intermittent nausea, thirsty, fatigued, multiple trips to the bathroom during the PM, constipation, occasional wacky sex related dreams or dreams in which my sister gets a BFP (she is on birth control and isn't even engaged yet...can you say crazy?) & and a weird itchy rash that started on my inner thighs and is rapidly spreading to my lower legs.  
• I am not craving anything, rather I am uncraving lots of stuff.  Veggies have made it to the top of the list once again.  They were uncraved during my first pregnancy, as well.  I also have very little interest in dairy other than cheddar cheese.  Fish and meat other than chicken doesn't sound that appealing either.
• I have not been exercising much lately.  Other than some shorter walks with my dog (2.5 miles or less), I have not been very active.  Being out of shape is hard for me since I am a runner and avid exerciser.  My husband is too, so seeing him in good shape is tough.  It it means a healthy baby though, I will sit on my ass for the next 8.5 months.
• I did not think that this cycle worked until 14dpo when I tested.  I had no symptoms leading up to my test other than my usual PMS (cramps, irritated, bloated, etc.).  My chart even looked like one of my ovulatory charts.
• I am a serious advocate of charting your BBT and CM in conjunction with using OPKs.  I have converted 2 of my friends to the dark side.  :)
• I am currently scared shitless.  I am always expecting bad news with regards to pregnancy because, until this pregnancy, I have never heard a doctor, nurse, ultrasound tech, etc. utter anything to me that didn't start with the words, "I'm so sorry but..."
• I recently started taking thyroid regulating medication because my TSH is slightly elevated and it is making my hair fall out.
• I am afraid to plan anything in the next few weeks because I am approaching the time that I usually miscarry.
• I have been attending a mind/body infertility group and have not told anyone in the group that I am pregnant other than the group leader/psychologist.  I was the only one in the group NOT doing IVF or IUI.
• Please don't judge me.  I am still jealous of all pregnant women.  I saw a pregnant lady on the train today and I had my usual pangs of jealousy.  Why?  You might ask?  Irrational thoughts: She is a happy pregnant person.  She got pregnant easily and has had an easy pregnancy.  She has never had a miscarriage.  She is more pregnant than I am.  She is going to give birth in a few months/weeks and I am not sure if I am/will.
• I have my "make it or break it" ultrasound on Friday.  I will be just shy of 7 weeks.  I have never had an ultrasound where I have seen the healthy beating heart of a little one.  All of the heartbeats that I have seen have been slow with babies that measured behind.  I feel like if I can see a healthy heartbeat on Friday, I will feel a weight being lifted since I have never had that happen before.

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This past weekend was pretty much a waste for me.  I spent most of it on the couch feeling nauseous and tired.  I would get up to do some stuff and then would feel bad so I would lay down again.  I took 2, 3 hour naps.  As useless as I was, I was secretly rejoicing for the fact that I have some sign that this might actually work this time that I have never had before.

On Saturday I went to the grocery store and almost threw up in the middle of the produce section just thinking about which veggies to buy and how to cook them.  When I woke up yesterday I had to suck on a Preggie Pop Drop so I wouldn't throw up before I had a chance to force my breakfast down.

This morning I woke up and I felt pretty much fine and that scared the crap out of me.  I did my hair and makeup with no issue (other than my hair falling out).  I ironed and got dressed with no issue.  Sheesh, yesterday I could barely get out of bed at 8:30 AM and today I was totally fine at 4:30 AM.  I fed my cats and dog, packed my lunch, and then came the decision of what to eat for breakfast.  Nothing sounded good, so I made some toast w/ peanut butter and cut up a peach.  I grabbed a coconut water and then headed to the TV to watch the news.  I could barely stomach the toast and choked it down slowly, not even finishing the entire piece.  I was able to eat the peach with no real issue.

Then I had lunch, which was leftovers that I had trouble eating yesterday and I ate that with no issue.  WTF?

Now I am supposed to be working and I don't feel sick at all.  I just feel like I could nap for a few hours.  I am back to my worried self.  Is this normal?  I have no clue if morning sickness is supposed to come and go or if once you get sick are you supposed to stay sick and possibly just keep getting sicker?  Do symptoms and their severity usually fluctuate?  I wish I just knew everything would be ok on Friday and then I could stop worrying.  Ugh.

So my symptoms right now at 6 weeks 2 days are just fatigue, intermittent nausea, of and on cramps, slight constipation, slightly sore boobs, and lots of white CM (TMI, sorry).  I am documenting all of this so that (hopefully) I can look back on this post in 3-4 months and laugh at how silly I was being.  Right now, all I feel is worried though.  :(

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Thanks for all of the thyroid advice!!!  I decided that it was best to start them ASAP, especially since the endocrinologist can't even see me until November.  They are going to try to get me in before then, via a cancellation, but who knows how long that will take.  I go back in 4 weeks for another TSH test.

I started taking 25 mcg of Levothyroxine, first thing in the AM.  It has definitely thrown my whole schedule off for a few reasons.  I usually take my vitamins first thing in the morning (I have been doing this for almost 2 years now) and then eat breakfast.  With this medicine, you are supposed to wait 4 hours before taking any calcium or iron supplements, both of which are contained within my prenatal.  I have started to take my vitamins at lunch and may end up transitioning to before bed if I find I am forgetting.

The pharmacist told me that this medicine might make me jittery.  So far it actually seems to be doing the opposite.  Yesterday I worked from home and took a 2 hour nap at lunch.  I guess this medicine can also make your hair fall out, which is pleasant.  I did notice that I lost a few extra strands this morning.  Oh well, I am hoping that the good outweighs the bad in this scenario.

Other than getting my thyroid under control, I actually started to feel sick last Thursday.  It seems to come in waves.  I'll feel fine for a little while and then all of a sudden feel like I could throw up.  It is worse when I am faced with a food choice and first thing in the AM.  Nothing really sounds good, but I know that the more frequently that I eat, the better I feel so I am trying to just eat and not think about it.  I woke up feeling pretty bad this morning.  It pretty much felt like a bad hangover.  Headache and nausea.  I pulled out my Sea Bands and so far they seem to be helping a little.

As crazy as it sounds to say this, I am so incredibly happy to be feeling sick at only 6 weeks.  I didn't feel at all sick with my last 2 miscarriages.  I did have food aversions with my first miscarriage (couldn't touch veggies) and craved carbs and cheese.  I threw up on the day of my doomed ultrasound, but I still don't know if that was from being so anxious or morning sickness.  I think it was the nerves.

This time I don't have any straight out aversions yet, just pretty much nothing seems to sound good and I feel queasy all the time.  My boobs are on and off sore, but mostly just feel heavy and full.  I am still having mild cramping off and on and some creamy CM.  That's about it.  Hopefully that is good?

Next up is my ultrasound on Friday.  Very nervous for that as you might have already guessed.

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Quick update on my TSH troubles.  So I had not heard back from my RE this morning so I called my PCP.  I told her nurse about my miscarriage riddled past few months and about my slightly elevated TSH.  She agreed to talk to the doctor right away and get back to me.

In the time that it took me to wait for her call back, I got a call back from my RE's nurse.  She mentioned that my RE was out for the rest of the week, but that she emailed back that there was no harm in treating me if it would make me feel better.  They called in a prescription for 25 mg of some type of thyroid regulating medication that I am to pick up today after work and take every day.  She mentioned that I should come back in 3-4 weeks to get retested.  I thanked her for her call back and hung up the phone.  I was feeling relieved already.

Almost immediately after getting off the phone with her, my PCP's nurse called me back.  Apparently my PCP thinks that I should see an endocrinologist ASAP (under the circumstances).  She gave me 2 endocrinologist references and asked if I had any more questions.  I really couldn't think of any other than my shock that 2 doctors could have such differing opinions on one TSH level. 

Once again the medical profession has left me feeling confused and alone.  If I had not asked to have my thyroid checked on Tuesday I would not have even known about this.  If I didn't have Dr. G.oogle and good friends who have had similar issues, I would not have followed up after getting the test results back to ask for treatment.  If I had not called my PCP, I might not have even contemplated seeing an endocrinologist.  Does anyone else have issues like this or is it just me?  Am I just too anal when it comes to my health? 

On a side note, I emailed the psychologist from my support group this morning to tell her that I am pregnant and that I don't feel comfortable telling anyone but her.  I told her I was on the fence about coming to the session tonight because I feel awkward and untruthful.  I asked if she could call me to discuss.  I have not heard back from her yet.  If I don't hear back from her, I don't think I am going to go tonight.  I hope she calls me back.

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So my RE's nurse called me back this afternoon with the results of my TSH results.  I was just scrambling to head to a meeting where I was presenting to the group and I was incredibly flustered.  I should have let the call go to voicemail, but instead I picked it up and with my co-worker right next to me.  She told me that my TSH level was 3.28 and that she had asked my RE if I should start treatment and my RE said no, that I was fine without treatment.  I didn't really have time to think about this and couldn't mention my pregnancy in front of my co-worker, so I thanked the nurse for calling me back and headed to my meeting.

After my meeting I first consulted Dr. G.oogle who felt it necessary to tell me that the normal levels during pregnancy are as follows (from about.com):

First Trimester: 0.24-2.99
Second Trimester: 0.46-2.95
Third Trimester: 0.43-2.78

So umm yeah, I am totally over the limit for pregnancy.  Not by a crazy tremendous margin, but I am over nonetheless.  Having an elevated TSH, or being even mildly hypothyroid can cause miscarriage or other later problems such as preeclampsia, placental abruption, and low birth weight.  Not things I'd ever like to experience, thank you very much.

I consulted with 2 friends who have have bee treated for mild thyroid issues during pregnancy.  One has been through 2 consecutive losses and was put on thyroid medication when she became pregnant with her daughter with a level of around 3.  She actually consulted with her PCP since her OB would not treat her.  My other friend who is currently pregnant and went to the same fertility clinic as me had a level of less than 3 and was put on thyroid medication.  So the same freaking RE's office put her on thyroid meds with lower levels than me!  WTF?!

For a better reference point, check out my previously tested TSH levels:

1/10/12: 2.50 (not pregnant)
8/31/11: 1.41 (was pregnant)
6/24/11: 2.87 (not pregnant)

So clearly being pregnant this time has caused a jump in my TSH.  I am not a doctor and I can see that.

I called back my RE's office and left a message asking to speak to the doctor about why she decided NOT to treat me.  I am going to express to her my concern that I don't know what caused my first 2 losses and that I'd like to be more safe than sorry.  I am more than likely certain mild hypothyroidism did not cause any of my losses, but why gamble, right?

Does anyone have experience with this?  I would LOVE to hear any and all advice.

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Today's ultrasound went pretty well.  Thanks so much for the words of encouragement.  They mean so much to me, you have no idea.  I didn't achieve my full goal of #1, but I got close enough to it, I think.

The morning started off ok.  I got to the hospital an hour early since my husband had to drop me off on his way to a meeting.  I sat in the lobby and waited for my sister, who was about 40 minutes early.  I was so anxious when she got there that I had almost gone to throw up once and had peed about 3 times already.  She calmed me down and told me to remember to smile because I am pregnant.  I had to keep reminding myself this.

We made our way down to ultrasound about 10 minutes early.  I was seriously panicking as I walked through the hallway.  The hallway that I had cried in many times before.  It brought back more of those awful memories.  When we got to the ultrasound suite, though, I was happy and surprised to see that they had redone the entire area.  It looked nothing like I remembered it from my last visit so I immediately felt better.

My sister tried to make conversation with me while we waited to be called, but I was too busy fidgeting and biting my nails to really pay attention to what she was saying.  When the tech called my name I shot up and when she asked me how I was doing I sheepishly said ok.  Once we got into the newly finished ultrasound room, the tech asked me about cramping and bleeding and I was so confused.  Apparently they had gotten my charts confused and she had the one from my last failed pregnancy.  She profusely apologized for the mishap and definitely made up for things following that. She asked about the miscarriages and I explained them to her and told her I was seriously anxious about this because I had never had a good ultrasound.  She reassured me that she would talk me through everything.

She started with the abdominal ultrasound even though I told her I was only 5 weeks 3 days.  I told her she wouldn't see anything, but she insisted that it was protocol.  To my surprise, she did see something.  A nice large sac.  She could see much detail though, so she told me to put on a gown and that she would come back with the radiologist for a closer look.  Once I was disrobed and in the stirrups, she inserted the wand and easily found the sac again, this time with a yolk.  She told me I was measuring perfectly for 5 weeks 4 days (I was confused about the dating, but she said it was normal to be off) and the radiologist (who was the head of radiology) said it was a perfect looking crisp sac w/ yolk (my sister teased me about my crisp sac all the way home).  I didn't believe them so I kept asking if they were sure.  They reassured me that this was perfect for where I was and that coming back in a week should yield a heartbeat.

After the ultrasound, my sis and I headed up to my RE's office where I was having my appointment with the nurse.  The office was packed with people, but I was able to get in fairly quickly.  The nurse confirmed what I had heard from the radiologist, said everything looked great, and asked me if I was breathing a sigh of relief.  I told her I had many more weeks before that and she agreed that in my position it would be more difficult.  She offered to have my TSH checked at my request.  She also said she didn't want to see me for 2 weeks because she didn't think it was necessary.  I was totally fine with that.  The less I have to go back there, the better, as far as I am concerned.

We had trouble making my follow-up due to the overbooked schedule of my doctor, so the admin said she would call me back.  I didn't hear back from her today, so I will call her tomorrow.

So, I guess I am feeling ok about today.  We didn't see a fetal pole, but no one even mentioned that or seemed concerned.  My research with ultrasound pictures on Fertility Friend showed many, many ultrasounds that looked like mine that were either 5 1/2 weeks or even up to 6 weeks.  That made me feel better.  I am hoping and praying that in 2 weeks we will see the little flicker of a heartbeat.  Come on little one...you can do it!!!

*Note: If you want to see a picture, click here.  I have decided to stop posting pregnancy related photos to my direct homepage so you don't have to look at them if it is too hard (not that this first one is really much of anything, but I think you know what I mean).

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The title of this post says it all, really.  From the outside you would think that I am totally fine, but in the inside I am totally freaking out.  Tomorrow is my first ultrasound and I am dreading going to sit in that little waiting room with all the very pregnant teen moms.  Seriously, right now my stomach is doing flips and I feel like I could puke at any second (and no, it is not morning sickness, it is awaiting-imminent-ultrasound-sickness).

I have spent all day thinking about how tomorrow might play out.  I have come up with several scenarios (apologies for my psychosis, but I need to get this out and this is the only place I can do that right now) because I have to be prepared for EVERYTHING:

1.  Perfect scenario.  Have nice ultrasound tech who talks me through everything.  Does a vaginal ultrasound since I am only going to be 5 weeks 3 days tomorrow.  Sees a sac, yolk, and fetal pole.  Says baby is measuring right on target.  Pats me on the back.  Tells me to come back in a week to 10 days. Can you tell I have been G.oogling 5 weeks 3 days ultrasound?

2.  Not so perfect scenario.  Have an ultrasound tech that isn't especially friendly and spends lots of time fishing the ultrasound up in my who-ha without giving me any feedback until the end.  Sees sac that is measuring the right size.  Says it's too early to see much more than that and tells me to come back in a week for a more conclusive look.

3.  Bad scenario #1.  Have an amateur ultrasound tech that jabs the ultrasound around my ovaries.  Sees  nothing in my uterus.  Sees something in my tube.  Pregnancy is ectopic.  I won't continue on with this scary scenario, but you catch my drift.

4.  Bad scenario #2.  Have a stupid ultrasound tech that tries to do an abdominal ultrasound even though I tell them that I am only 5 weeks 3 days.  Pushes that thing so hard into my stomach and then has to resort to the vaginal wand anyways (can you tell this has happened to me before?).  See's something that looks like it might be a baby, but it is measuring small.  Ultrasound tech gives me a high probability of miscarriage, sends me to talk to my doctor, and the RE tells me to come back in a week.

Ok so I am thinking that these are my most likely scenarios tomorrow and honestly by writing all of them down I feel a little less anxious.  I am hoping and praying for scenario #1, but I know I can handle all of the other scenarios because I have handled them (or something similar) before.  Not with grace, but I have handled them.  I will get through tomorrow one way or another.  Just hoping to keep the good news streak continuing.  If you have any room on your prayer list tonight, might you please include me and this little one?  Thanks so much.

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I feel like I have not posted as much lately as I previously had before this last positive test.  Right now I feel like I am in limbo.  I am no longer in the thick of TTC, but I am not that pregnant yet either.  I am in no mans land.  The sad place that I have found myself in 3 times before.  Honestly, I feel like at this point, I can better relate to TTCs than to preggos and I am still gravitating towards all of my friends that are still waiting for their BFPs.  It is sad though that I am losing some of the very few followers that I had.  I guess they don't feel like they can relate to me anymore.  I know it is hard when others get their BFP.  I have been there for what seems like FOREVER, but it isn't like my previous 3 pregnancies have been a nice walk in the park.  The worst and most anxious part of this journey for me is the actual pregnancy.  :( 

For the past week I have found myself conflicted on how I should be feeling.  On one had I am very excited.  So far I have had positive news on the medical front and this pregnancy feels like none of the others that I have had so far.  My boobs are sore, I feel like I could take a nap at any moment, I am having bizarre dreams every night, and I am feeling weird sensations in my uterus from time to time.  Pulling and stretching feelings all around.  I am also starving all the time.  I feel like these have to be good signs, right?

On the other hand, I am so nervous for Tuesday and then the next ultrasound after that.  I am afraid to plan my life out for the next few weeks, just in case I might be miscarrying.  I am afraid to schedule important meetings at work in case I have just received bad news and won't be able to be at my best.  I am afraid that I will jinx myself if I start acting like this pregnancy might work out.  I am afraid to start using the Pregnancy Tracker on Fertility Friend.  I haven't turned it on and am still tracking my dpo on my chart because I have had to turn it off twice before and delete all of the pregnancy info that would never be.  I haven't yet told the Psychologist/group leader in my therapy group that I am pregnant yet and lied on my last progress report that I was cd3. 

When will these sad and confused feelings end?  When will I be able to feel confident about things?  Will I ever?  Well I have already passed my miscarriage 2 milestone of more than 5 weeks.  Now I have the 6 week milestone to get past and then after that the 10 week milestone.  Maybe once I am past those I will be starting to feel a little more confident?  I really hope so.

One thing that made me smile today was receiving flowers from my sister.  She also has volunteered to come with me to my first ultrasound since my husband cannot make it.  I am so grateful for that.  She has really helped to make feel less anxious, from her advice on visualization exercises to her advice on eating pepitas to help with anxiety, to her regular texts asking me how I am doing.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive family.  No matter what happens, good or bad, I know they will ALWAYS be there for me.

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It is hard to be happy for yourself sometimes when you know of someone who is going through something so terrible that you have also been through.  K at Our Growing Gardunn found out that she is losing another precious baby today.  Please go and give her some virtual hugs.  I am completely heartbroken for her.  The complete unfairness of the situation makes me so angry.  Seriously, when is enough, enough?  How much pain and suffering should one person have to go through? :(

It is so hard for me to be really excited about this right now, but I'll give a quick update on my beta #2 from today.  My HCG is now at 2324 (19 dpo) and my progesterone is now at 31.5.  I am again, cautiously optimistic about this as the nurse seemed very happy, once again. 

I am am also hoping and praying that things go well with my first ultrasound on Tuesday morning.  I know that sitting in that waiting room is going to induce a major panic reaction for me and my husband can't make it so I will be all alone.  Does anyone even know what they will (or rather should) be able to see at an ultrasound of around 5 weeks 3 days?  All of my ultrasounds have always been bad so I have no idea what a good one is even supposed to look like.  I have tried to stay away from Google lately.  So far I am doing ok with that.  We'll see how long I can keep that up.

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I woke up this morning already super anxious for what I knew I had to do...go to the hospital for my first beta HCG test.  My first thought was to pee on another FRER To see how much darker it had gotten since Saturday.  Then I talked some sense into myself and decided not to do that.  It wouldn't matter if the stick were darker or lighter than my first one, I was still going to have to make the trek to the hospital blood lab.  I got ready for work and just had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It was that old familiar feeling of doubt creeping back in. 

I was lucky enough to have my husband be able to drop me off at the hospital.  Ugh.  So many bad memories flooded my brain.  I could see myself sitting on the couch in the sitting area, drugged up from pain-killers, waiting for my husband to pull the car up after my last D&C.  I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  The pain is still there and the sights, sounds, and smells of the hospital make my memories so much more vivid.  I wonder if that pain will ever go away.

After a quick pit-stop (those have become frequent this week) and passing several seriously pregnant women that looked like they could pop at any moment, I headed up to the lab.  I was lucky to be the only one there so I got right in.  I presented my left arm and requested HCG & progesterone (just in case).  I have a standing blood order so I can go in whenever and get whatever.  Kind of crazy they let all of these hormonal women have free reign over their blood work, but I won't complain.  Quick prick and done.  I headed back to work feeling somewhat relieved.

The hours of waiting for the call were tough.  I would feel super anxious for a minute: sweaty palms, heart racing, stomach churning.  I would do some quick breathing exercises and would feel better.  Then my phone would ring and the anxiety loop would start again.  Luckily I promised my work buddy that I would take her out to her lunch for her birthday.  While we were out, enjoying the absolutely gorgeous weather, I forgot about the impending call. 

When I got back to my desk, I checked my cell.  I had a missed call from my RE's office and a voicemail.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  I felt like I was going to puke up my lunch.  I headed to the bathroom, went into a stall, and listened to the message.  I was shocked to hear what the nurse had to say.  My HCG was 916 and my progesterone was 26, something she declared was a a great strong number.  She excitedly wished me a congratulations (briefly mentioning my previous struggles) and told me to come in again on Thursday.  She mentioned scheduling an ultrasound for next Wednesday.  She wished me congratulations again before hanging up. 

I was so relieved to hear this, but know that I still have a long way to go.  My first blood draw from my 2nd miscarriage was 50.  My first blood draw from my 3rd was 99.  I am praying for a doubling number on Thursday, even though I know that doesn't guarantee success (case and point my 3rd miscarriage, I doubled to 200 in 48 hours).  I checked betabase.info and here is what they show for 17dpo:

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Thanks so much for the nice wishes and support everyone.  I am still sort of in a state of confusion.  I am very happy and excited but somewhat paralyzed by my fear and anxiety of another miscarriage.  I am trying to hard to be optimistic this time, but it is tough.  I think I am doing better, though, all things considered.  I now have sore boobs, I am peeing a lot, and have I mild cramping and pulling pain in my stomach.  I am going to try to take these as good signs. 

Yesterday we had a day long group therapy session with husbands included.  I was surprised that I didn't have to beg my husband to go.  He went quite willingly.  It was a little awkward for me, having just found out I was pregnant the day before, but I have decided that I am not ready to tell anyone in the group yet.  We actually signed an agreement that we would tell the group leader first if we found out we were pregnant.  She will then tell our buddy first and then we can decide when to tell the rest of the group.  I haven't decided when I am going to tell her.  I am definitely not there yet.

Back to the session from yesterday...We started out the day introducing ourselves to the group again, since many of the men were there for the first time.  After that we did 90 minutes of Hatha yoga with our husbands.  It sounds kind of cheesy, but it was really nice.  We also did some couples massage.  It was quite relaxing and enjoyable.  The teacher was really good and very patient with many of the first time yogis.

After the session we had lunch and then we watched a video called "The Joy of Stress" by Loretta LaRoche.  It was quite humorous and made even more humorous by the look of the people sitting in the audience.  If you want a good stress relieving laugh, I would recommend watching this.

After the video we each got large sheets of paper and were asked to draw our life on a timeline with the past, present, and future included.  Then we were supposed to share it with our husbands.  My husband and I both we reminded how lacking me are in the drawing department, but we had fun putting everything on paper.  The point of exercise was to show that what is happening right now in your life is just a blip on the radar compared to everything else that you have experienced and will experience.  I definitely understood the point when I saw the sad events in my life as small slices of a much larger pie.

Our last exercise of the day required each couple to head off in a different direction for some quiet and privacy.  We each spent time talking about something we learned/loved about the other person, something we learned/loved about ourselves, and then something we learned/loved about us as a couple.  It was a really nice way to end the day.  We both felt nice and relaxed afterwards and glad that we went.

Today I have acupuncture and another group session tonight.  I am pretty tired, but know that both of these events will help me.  I am going to go in for my first beta tomorrow morning.  I feel my anxiety kicking in as I write this.  Ugh.  I hate going there!  I am trying to tell myself that there is very little I can do other than eat healthy, get rest, get light exercise, and relax.  I can't prevent another chromosomal problem at this point.  What will be, will be.  Hopefully what I have done up until now has made this embryo healthy and sticky.  

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Deep breath....

Sorry for the delay in this post.  Crazy morning for me.  As you can see, my temp was still up this morning so I decided that I would finally put those tests to use.  I honestly did not have my hopes up because, other than slightly sore breasts this morning, I don't have any real symptoms to speak of.  I even had some AF like cramps on and off yesterday.  Also my chart isn't triphasic and when I search for "Charts Like Mine" in FF, I get 64% ovulatory charts.  But, I digress.

I didn't sleep well last night and woke up 4 times to pee (and drank lots of water in between) so I was worried that my urine would be too diluted even if by some crazy chance I was pregnant.  Even still, nervous and trying to repeat over and over to myself not to get my hopes up, I put on my big girl panties and peed in my favorite cup (sorry, that sounds so gross).  Definitely diluted urine.  Crap.  I dunked my FRER and Wondfo into the cup anyways and then covered both of the tests with a towel and went to check my email without getting worked up.  Yeah, right. 

I gave the tests about 5 minutes and then went back to check them out.  Imagine me, totally shaking, as I flipped up the towel and saw this...

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My chart has decided to play tricks on me this cycle like it did my first Femara cycle.  In that cycle, my temp decided to spike at 13 dpo and then fall a ton the next day and the day after that, leaving me with an annoying 15 day LP and a very negative beta.  After my temp went down yesterday, it has decided to go back up again today.  I still have no pregnancy symptoms to speak of.  I don't even really have any AF symptoms either, though. 

Tomorrow is testing day.  I am really proud of myself that I have not once been tempted to pee on any sticks.  Ok, I lied, I have been tempted, but I have restrained.  I have looked at lots of positive pregnancy tests on FF, though.  I don't know why I have this masochistic obsession of looking at positive pregnancy tests when I near the end of my LP.  I guess I am hoping that maybe my body will get the hint and turn out a positive test?  Haha.  Wouldn't it be great if it were that easy?!  Look at these pregnancy tests and then in the morning...poof you are pregnant! 

I guess only time will tell. 

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