Hi everyone.  You are probably sick of listening to me day and and day out, especially since you know all I am going to do is tell you how anxious I am about tomorrow's ultrasound, AGAIN.  I figured that I would start giving up the white space once a week or every other week (depends on how much interest I can muster up amongst my loved ones) to someone close to me who is going through this journey with me.  Keep in mind that the below was written by my husband has not been edited in any way by me.  It is all written in his words.  Enjoy!

I've been asked by my wife to write this guest blog.  A change of pace from the emails I write at work every day.  I suppose I can be a little more open and honest, which is refreshing.  Most of, well I guess all of, the writing I do is to colleagues and business partners.  I don't often get to type phrases like, "that is the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you must have been dropped as a child" or "you clearly have no fucking idea what you're talking about, is this your first day?", though I'm tempted on a daily basis to do so.  These are also phrases I've had to refrain from uttering to doctors, nurses and the occasional friend over the past year.

Lately I've been extremely busy at work which has been good.  Both because it means I'm making money (I can't lie, it's a good feeling) and because it keeps my mind off of the situation at hand.  Don't get me wrong, I'm fully involved and try to be supportive of my wife at all times.  After all, she has to deal with the physical aspect of this as well as the mental; she's got it much harder in this than I ever will.  But rather than sit at work preoccupied with all of the terrible thoughts going through my head I've been forced to stay on task and get things done.  But when I do have time to reflect I'm as confused as ever.  Now on the fourth time around it's harder than ever to know how to feel.  I've had my heart broken 3 times so I'm guarded.  At the same time I'm so excited.  I never thought that I would be a father, now it's all that matters to me.  It can't happen four times in a row, right?  No tests have shown anything wrong with either of us, we're healthy, relatively young.  All the doctors have said about the first three losses is that it's basically just bad luck.  That's pretty fucking bad luck.  How many mirrors have I broken in my life...?

So tomorrow we go for an ultrasound at which we should hear a heartbeat.  Though I want to find out, I'm kind of dreading it.  God I fucking hate that place.  All I've ever experienced is them searching and searching, measuring, readjusting, trying again, and again...the tech isn't saying anything, it's bad news, shit, I can see it in her face, call in the senior tech to see if she can find anything better, nothing.  It's hard to be positive when that's all you know.  But my wife is different this time, so I'm hopeful.  I have to be.  She seems to be having continuing pregnancy-like symptoms which is good.  And it can't happen four times in a row......right??

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