I woke up this morning already super anxious for what I knew I had to do...go to the hospital for my first beta HCG test.  My first thought was to pee on another FRER To see how much darker it had gotten since Saturday.  Then I talked some sense into myself and decided not to do that.  It wouldn't matter if the stick were darker or lighter than my first one, I was still going to have to make the trek to the hospital blood lab.  I got ready for work and just had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It was that old familiar feeling of doubt creeping back in. 

I was lucky enough to have my husband be able to drop me off at the hospital.  Ugh.  So many bad memories flooded my brain.  I could see myself sitting on the couch in the sitting area, drugged up from pain-killers, waiting for my husband to pull the car up after my last D&C.  I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  The pain is still there and the sights, sounds, and smells of the hospital make my memories so much more vivid.  I wonder if that pain will ever go away.

After a quick pit-stop (those have become frequent this week) and passing several seriously pregnant women that looked like they could pop at any moment, I headed up to the lab.  I was lucky to be the only one there so I got right in.  I presented my left arm and requested HCG & progesterone (just in case).  I have a standing blood order so I can go in whenever and get whatever.  Kind of crazy they let all of these hormonal women have free reign over their blood work, but I won't complain.  Quick prick and done.  I headed back to work feeling somewhat relieved.

The hours of waiting for the call were tough.  I would feel super anxious for a minute: sweaty palms, heart racing, stomach churning.  I would do some quick breathing exercises and would feel better.  Then my phone would ring and the anxiety loop would start again.  Luckily I promised my work buddy that I would take her out to her lunch for her birthday.  While we were out, enjoying the absolutely gorgeous weather, I forgot about the impending call. 

When I got back to my desk, I checked my cell.  I had a missed call from my RE's office and a voicemail.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  I felt like I was going to puke up my lunch.  I headed to the bathroom, went into a stall, and listened to the message.  I was shocked to hear what the nurse had to say.  My HCG was 916 and my progesterone was 26, something she declared was a a great strong number.  She excitedly wished me a congratulations (briefly mentioning my previous struggles) and told me to come in again on Thursday.  She mentioned scheduling an ultrasound for next Wednesday.  She wished me congratulations again before hanging up. 

I was so relieved to hear this, but know that I still have a long way to go.  My first blood draw from my 2nd miscarriage was 50.  My first blood draw from my 3rd was 99.  I am praying for a doubling number on Thursday, even though I know that doesn't guarantee success (case and point my 3rd miscarriage, I doubled to 200 in 48 hours).  I checked betabase.info and here is what they show for 17dpo: