I feel like I have not posted as much lately as I previously had before this last positive test.  Right now I feel like I am in limbo.  I am no longer in the thick of TTC, but I am not that pregnant yet either.  I am in no mans land.  The sad place that I have found myself in 3 times before.  Honestly, I feel like at this point, I can better relate to TTCs than to preggos and I am still gravitating towards all of my friends that are still waiting for their BFPs.  It is sad though that I am losing some of the very few followers that I had.  I guess they don't feel like they can relate to me anymore.  I know it is hard when others get their BFP.  I have been there for what seems like FOREVER, but it isn't like my previous 3 pregnancies have been a nice walk in the park.  The worst and most anxious part of this journey for me is the actual pregnancy.  :( 

For the past week I have found myself conflicted on how I should be feeling.  On one had I am very excited.  So far I have had positive news on the medical front and this pregnancy feels like none of the others that I have had so far.  My boobs are sore, I feel like I could take a nap at any moment, I am having bizarre dreams every night, and I am feeling weird sensations in my uterus from time to time.  Pulling and stretching feelings all around.  I am also starving all the time.  I feel like these have to be good signs, right?

On the other hand, I am so nervous for Tuesday and then the next ultrasound after that.  I am afraid to plan my life out for the next few weeks, just in case I might be miscarrying.  I am afraid to schedule important meetings at work in case I have just received bad news and won't be able to be at my best.  I am afraid that I will jinx myself if I start acting like this pregnancy might work out.  I am afraid to start using the Pregnancy Tracker on Fertility Friend.  I haven't turned it on and am still tracking my dpo on my chart because I have had to turn it off twice before and delete all of the pregnancy info that would never be.  I haven't yet told the Psychologist/group leader in my therapy group that I am pregnant yet and lied on my last progress report that I was cd3. 

When will these sad and confused feelings end?  When will I be able to feel confident about things?  Will I ever?  Well I have already passed my miscarriage 2 milestone of more than 5 weeks.  Now I have the 6 week milestone to get past and then after that the 10 week milestone.  Maybe once I am past those I will be starting to feel a little more confident?  I really hope so.

One thing that made me smile today was receiving flowers from my sister.  She also has volunteered to come with me to my first ultrasound since my husband cannot make it.  I am so grateful for that.  She has really helped to make feel less anxious, from her advice on visualization exercises to her advice on eating pepitas to help with anxiety, to her regular texts asking me how I am doing.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive family.  No matter what happens, good or bad, I know they will ALWAYS be there for me.