Saturday, August 11, 2012

I feel like I have not posted as much lately as I previously had before this last positive test.  Right now I feel like I am in limbo.  I am no longer in the thick of TTC, but I am not that pregnant yet either.  I am in no mans land.  The sad place that I have found myself in 3 times before.  Honestly, I feel like at this point, I can better relate to TTCs than to preggos and I am still gravitating towards all of my friends that are still waiting for their BFPs.  It is sad though that I am losing some of the very few followers that I had.  I guess they don't feel like they can relate to me anymore.  I know it is hard when others get their BFP.  I have been there for what seems like FOREVER, but it isn't like my previous 3 pregnancies have been a nice walk in the park.  The worst and most anxious part of this journey for me is the actual pregnancy.  :( 

For the past week I have found myself conflicted on how I should be feeling.  On one had I am very excited.  So far I have had positive news on the medical front and this pregnancy feels like none of the others that I have had so far.  My boobs are sore, I feel like I could take a nap at any moment, I am having bizarre dreams every night, and I am feeling weird sensations in my uterus from time to time.  Pulling and stretching feelings all around.  I am also starving all the time.  I feel like these have to be good signs, right?

On the other hand, I am so nervous for Tuesday and then the next ultrasound after that.  I am afraid to plan my life out for the next few weeks, just in case I might be miscarrying.  I am afraid to schedule important meetings at work in case I have just received bad news and won't be able to be at my best.  I am afraid that I will jinx myself if I start acting like this pregnancy might work out.  I am afraid to start using the Pregnancy Tracker on Fertility Friend.  I haven't turned it on and am still tracking my dpo on my chart because I have had to turn it off twice before and delete all of the pregnancy info that would never be.  I haven't yet told the Psychologist/group leader in my therapy group that I am pregnant yet and lied on my last progress report that I was cd3. 

When will these sad and confused feelings end?  When will I be able to feel confident about things?  Will I ever?  Well I have already passed my miscarriage 2 milestone of more than 5 weeks.  Now I have the 6 week milestone to get past and then after that the 10 week milestone.  Maybe once I am past those I will be starting to feel a little more confident?  I really hope so.

One thing that made me smile today was receiving flowers from my sister.  She also has volunteered to come with me to my first ultrasound since my husband cannot make it.  I am so grateful for that.  She has really helped to make feel less anxious, from her advice on visualization exercises to her advice on eating pepitas to help with anxiety, to her regular texts asking me how I am doing.  I am lucky to have such a wonderful and supportive family.  No matter what happens, good or bad, I know they will ALWAYS be there for me.

Awww so beautiful.

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9 Responses to “Limbo”

  1. For me, right now, it makes me feel better to read the pregnancy blogs. Especially the ones from fellow RPLers because they give me hope. There have been times when I didn't want to even hear the word "baby" or "pregnancy" because it hurt too much. Honestly, if I had started blogging back in June I wouldn't have been in a place where I could read pregnancy blogs. It just hurts too much sometimes. I can't promise I will always be able to read and comment on your posts but I promise I'll still be following along and wishing the best for you and your baby!

  2. I have never commented before but I have been following your blog for some time. I hope so much that this time you will only hear happy news for the next nine months! I understand all the feelings you are going through so well… I hope that you will be able to enjoy your pregnancy very soon.
    My story is somewhat similar: long cycles (35-50 days), two miscarriages, starting Femara next month.

  3. All you described above is exactly how I am when pregnant. My husband and I don't even talk about it. We decided next time I am going to do the opposite. I will enjoy each moment and hope for the best. We will see if that's actually the case. Your flowers are awesome!

  4. So glad things are still going well for you! Please know I will be wishing and hoping for you, and checking in on good days, even if there are some bad days when for my (and my husband's!) sanity I might have to skip what I hope will be many months of happy pregnancy posts, and know that this is a reflection on me and where my head is at, certainly not on you, much love!

  5. Limbo is the worst. Your symptoms sound awesome and I'm pulling for you. I won't be unfollowing you!

  6. I completely understand how you feel :-) I too am right there where I'm afraid to get emotionally invested in this pregnancy but wanting so much to just feel a peace and the happiness that so many do when they get pregnant. I will be 6 weeks on next saturday, 5 weeks 2 days today. But keep your head up and enjoy each day and each moment (the same things I have to keep telling myself!). God Bless!

    1. Wow we are exactly at the same spot. I am also 5 weeks 2 days today and will be 6 weeks on Saturday. Glad you can totally relate to everything. Sometimes I feel so lonely!

  7. I am sorry you are feeling lonely but I think it makes complete sense. You aren't trying to conceive but you don't have your healthy full term baby in your arms yet either. I hope that with each passing week you continue to get only the best of news and that you are able to gain more confidence. I'll be here the whole way. Feel free to share anything you are going through and any fears you are having. Share the good stuff too! I've noticed posting and commenting being in a lull lately. I think people are just busy with last month summer stuff. You might have some readers go into the dark but I think most will stick around and love you through all of this. Hugs.