Mailbox full

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

In all my years of owning a cell phone (since the year 2000, I believe) I have never had to hear the unfriendly reminder message that my mailbox was full and that I should delete some saved messages so that I could continue receiving new ones.  Well I got to hear that message for the first time today when I saw that I had 4 new voicemails and immediately upon dialing voicemail, I got the unfriendly reminder.  Oops.

My 4 new voicemails included 2 automated messages reminding me of my ultrasound and follow-up with my RE on Friday.  Gulp.  The next one was a message from one of my RE's nurses saying that they wanted to up my does of Levo to 50 mcg.  The message after that was also from the same nurse telling me that she had misread my chart and that I could stay on the 25 mcg as long as I came back for a follow-up in 3 weeks.  Sigh.  Another mix-up.  The story of my life with that place.  At least they were able to correct it without getting me involved.

After listening to and deleting the new messages I moved on to the archived messages.  I hate deleting old messages because I hate listening to them.  I hate listening to them even more so when I know that my last year has been littered with upsetting messages.  I had no idea how far back those messages went and what I had kept, but I quickly found out.

The first, oldest, and most upsetting message was from the hospital calling to confirm my D&C in March.  I listened up until the point of them telling me not to eat or drink anything for 12 hours prior and I lost it.  Completely bawling my eyes out.  Why on earth did I save that message?  Talk about ripping off a scab.  Delete.

Next few messages were from my mortgage company regarding my refinance that has been going on since, yes, March and is still not closed.  Reminds me to call those assholes tomorrow to see what the hell is up with that.  Delete, delete, delete, delete...

The next most upsetting message was from my RE explaining that results of my last baby's chromosome analysis was abnormal for isochromosome 8 and that is what "explained" my last miscarriage.  More tears.  I guess I just saved it in case I needed to go back and research it later.  Delete.

I had a couple of messages from the psychologist's office confirming appointments and giving directions.  No need to keep those...delete, delete.

After a few more stupid messages from the fertility pharmacy and FedEx, the last message made me cry, again.  It was recent.  From the one of my RE's nurses (the one I like the best) wishing me congratulations on my very positive pregnancy test.  I lost it again.  You can imagine my dog staring at me in complete wonder when I would cry, delete, cry, delete.  He laid his head on my lap and looked at me with the kind of worry that only a doggie has.  Gosh, I love him.

I didn't delete that message.  I couldn't.  It was the only happy one out of them all, but it still made me cry.  They weren't tears of joy either, unfortunately.  They were anxious tears.  Uncertain tears.  Worried tears.  Will I ever not feel this way?  Worried that at any minute the rug is going to be pulled out from under me yet again?  Scared that this child might have the same fate as the last 3?  I am trying so hard to be positive, but I am failing at that.  My thoughts always go back to negative "what ifs?".

Sorry for all of the really depressed sounding posts lately.  As Trisha at The Elusive Second Line mentioned in her post today, I am not always sad and depressed, either.  Normally I am a fun and cheery person.  I have always been optimistic, but realistic.  I am sort of all over the place right now, up and down, side to side, and I feel like I can really share all of those thoughts in this venue without judgement.  So thanks to you all, my therapists.  Thanks for continuing to read, continuing to really listen, and continuing to comment when you can.  You have no idea how much it means to me.

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10 Comments »

10 Responses to “Mailbox full”

  1. Eeee gads! I would've waited for Bubba to come home and hurled the phone at him!

    Yay for dogs. The last few months the ears of both of my dogs have been victim to such abuse I'm surprised they haven't fallen off.

    It's gonna be good this time. I can feel it. I can feeeeeel it. It's your time, damnit.

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    1. OMG seriously. How great are pup-pups? Love my freaking dog. I am sure he thinks I am a raging lunatic, but I feed him twice a day so he knows that he has to stick around. ;)

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  2. I know what it's like to constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it's hard to have that sort of uncertainty weighing on you all of the time. I wish I could tell you will go away eventually, but I don't know that it ever will, though I do think it might get better at some point in your pregnancy. Just know that we're here to support you through it all. ~ hugs ~

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    1. I know, right? It is so hard having zero control over this. I can't even take my temp or opks or anything! It is like you just have to sit and wait. Thanks for being here. It means SO much to me!

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  3. Totally know how you feel. Good thing you have this space and us to vent to...because we know what it feels like. Too bad there is no "erase and pretend it never happened" on our phone!

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  4. Ooph. Hard messages, hard memories. It doesn't take much to trigger the avalanche of sad, sad thoughts, especially when so many of us suffer from IF/Loss PTSD. This stuff is so hard. I'm glad you kept your happy message. Hang on to it tightly.

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  5. Ugh... I hate reminders like that. Last spring when I was going through my dresser to get rid of old clothes, I found my positive hpts from my first two pregnancies (yeah, I kept them... I'm a freak). As much as I wanted to, I couldn't get rid of them. I ended up completely losing it, standing over the garbage can bawling with a bouquet of pee-sticks in my hand. Finally my Beloved took them away from me and put them back in my dresser. I know they're there, and maybe the next time I purge my dresser, I'll be able to get rid of them.

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    1. Wow I have done the same thing. I have a stash of positive pregnancy tests in the back of my underwear drawer. Glad to know that I am not the only one who has not gotten rid of them!

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  6. The littlest things can change our moods and bring out our dark emotions. I'm sure hearing those messages were very hard. I'm sorry you are going through all this pain, I'm sorry we all have to go through this. It seems so unfair. I'm there with you. Be depressed all you want, for me it helps, I hope it does for you too.

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  7. Ooh yeah not a fun day of reliving the past! Maybe it was cleansing to listen and let go so that you can move forward, it's this pregnancy that is going to be different! I'm glad your doggie was there.

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