Now that was awful

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

***Warning- this is kind of long and kind of an uncomfortable topic***

I made the decision to "come out" about my pregnancy to my group therapy leader after my first ultrasound at 5 1/2 weeks.  I thought about quitting the group completely, but then I remembered how much I had paid for it and how much of a benefit that I saw after just a few weeks of going.  I sent her an email and explained to her that I was not ready to tell anyone else yet.  She agreed to keep it between us, but she encouraged me to let her tell the others (group policy) as soon as I felt comfortable.

In the group, we have had a steady stream of bad news over the past few weeks.  Learning of one girl's issue with MFI, another girl's chemical pregnancy and being told by a doctor that she was in for a "marathon and not a sprint", and yet another girls issue with bad eggs, made me not want to divulge my information. 

Not feeling comfortable enough to share with the group kind of bothered me though because I signed up for the group and fully disclosed that my issue was not with getting pregnant necessarily, but with staying pregnant (also considered by doctors as "infertility").  Some of the girls had issue with the fact that I was not doing IVF and mentioned to me that they were jealous that I was ever able to get pregnant even though I miscarried habitually.  I am the only one in the group who is not currently undergoing IVF or waiting on the bench to start (one other girl just finished her last IUI and is now moving to IVF).  This always made me feel slightly awkward.

Another thing that bothered me was the whole "buddy assignment".  I was paired up with a buddy who lives the closest to me, which was basically no one, so they set me up with someone who lives near my work.  She is a very nice person, don't get me wrong, but we have absolutely nothing in common other than the desire to have a baby.  She is 10 years older than me.  She was recently married.  She is being denied infertility coverage because of her age and her FSH level.  She is possibly looking into egg donation.  I am totally jealous of other girls in the group who have formed close friendships with their buddies.  They even have get-togethers with their husbands.  We are supposed to call or visit our buddies weekly outside of the group.  I have made attempts to contact my buddy through email and have even tried to get together (I got sick).  She hasn't even made an effort to email me other than in response to one of my emails.  I haven't even talked to her in the past 2-3 weeks because I basically gave up.  What's the point?

I attended a session about a week and a half ago and I found myself lying when people asked me about where I was in my treatment.  I told everyone that asked that we were taking a break and left it at that.  Basically, after I found out that I was pregnant, I started to get less and less out of the group because I stopped sharing.  I even skipped last week's session.  After finally getting a pregnancy announcement from one of the girls last Thursday, I decided to let the leader spill it to everyone.  I was nervous, but done with the hiding.

Last night we had a session where husbands were encouraged to attend.  I dragged my husband there.  He wanted to go to Crossfit, but agreed that he would go, for me.  The guys had their own session while we had a Q&A session with the founder of the program.  Immediately upon walking into the room, I noticed a different attitude towards me from the girls.  No one said hi.  No one made eye contact with me.  Everyone was kind of whispering.  It was like I was the uncool kid in first grade that no one wanted to associate with.  I felt totally uncomfortable and probably should have just left then.

I brought some food/paper products as one of those assigned to bring food for the evening.  As I was arranging stuff in bowls, one of the girls (who I actually find to be the most genuine and nice) touched my shoulder and whispered, "Congrats.  I am so happy for you."  I thanked her and told her how nervous I was about everything and she said she totally understood.  I felt a little better after that.

The session itself was ok although I felt weird because no one would talk to me before the conversation started.  I tried making jokes and small talk and no one would even slightly entertain me.  Most of the questions were centered around egg donation and insurance coverage, which I am not that interested in.  We talked very little about adoption, which I am interested in.  I really wanted to ask a question about RPL, but could not get a word in edgewise.  Several of the girls monopolized the entire conversation.  I didn't even end up opening my mouth.  I think I was the only one who didn't.

After the speaker left, and before the guys came back, the group leader started talking.  I had to pee really bad so I made a quiet exit.  I was only gone for 3-4 minutes at most.  When I got back the entire conversation had changed somehow to "elephants in the room" and people "dealing" with those that were newly pregnant.  Ironically enough, this conversation started when I left the room and coming into it after it was started made me feel really awkward.  The other pregnant girl in the room started talking about her experiences with being newly pregnant and her buddy quickly chimed in saying that she was so happy for her and that it gave her so much hope.  Other girls also chimed in and said how happy they were for her.  After all, she went through 4 rounds of IVF, I did not.  I guess losing 3 babies in a year isn't a big deal to most of those girls since I could get pregnant.  No one mentioned me.  No one acknowledged that I was also pregnant.  I almost felt like I wasn't even there.  This conversation seemed to go on forever.  At one point I decided I had enough and was going to say something to stop all of the tension, but then the guys paraded back in and that was the end of that. 

My husband came in and immediately sensed my tension level.  He asked if I was ok and I nodded.  We still had an hour of the session left.  The group leader mentioned that we finished early so she was going to let us all out ahead of schedule.  I was jumping for joy inside.  Then at the last minute she decided to do a group relaxation exercise.  I felt the wind knocked out of me.  I don't think I have ever been so tense during a relaxation, EVER.  I just kept thinking about how badly I wanted to leave.

After the relaxation she said we were free to mingle with everyone else or we could head off.  I gathered up my bowls and tried to pawn off the rest of the leftover food, but everyone ignored me.  Seriously.  My husband helped me pick up and then I told him I was ready to go.  He said goodbye to several guys and they responded back.  I said goodbye and no one even turned around.  Everyone was busy chatting.  Everyone but me.

I need more time to process everything before I can write about how this all really made me feel.  I know that infertility is hard.  I have been dealing with it for a while now.  Seeing others get pregnant is hard and it fucking sucks because it is them and not you.  I hate it.  I fucking get it.  I have watched my friend get pregnant with their second child when I can't even seem to have one.  At least show a little compassion for me knowing that getting pregnant isn't my hardest battle and tell me that it is hard to hear about yet another pregnancy, but acknowledging my struggle.  Acknowledge that I am here.  Acknowledge that the hardest part for me lies just ahead.  Give me a little support since that is what the group is supposed to be about.

Needless to say, I will NOT be returning to that group. 

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18 Comments »

18 Responses to “Now that was awful”

  1. I'm sorry to hear about how difficult this was for you. I've had a range of different issues with a group of friends with different issues around pregnancy/fertility where I think we've all felt offended/hurt at one point that somebody else in the group has seemed selfish or unaccepting of our pain. But we're dealing with issues so deep and personal that sometimes they circumvent our rational and empathic selves. Honestly there are things that go on in my head sometimes I wouldn't have believed a year and a half ago. Most of the time I say I'm relieved I'm dealing with total-cannot-even-get-started infertility, rather than miscarriages. But sometimes... The conclusion I've come to (and I say this as somebody who's infertile and depressed, and as somebody who works professionally with people with depression) is that depression makes you selfish. It makes you crazy. It does. Even the normal, reactive depression of living with infertility. Sometimes formal or informal support groups of peers can be perfect for sharing, but as we've both found they can lead us to lean on people who just aren't in a place we can rely on them, or reliable ourselves. I consider myself a fairly rational and compassionate person, but the empathy blind spot that I have towards pregnant people and new mums is something I'll need a lot of professional help to overcome. It may seem unrelated, but I've heard the same thing happening amongst the deaf population, if somebody gets a cochlear implant introducing them to the hearing world. Suddenly they're old support group sees them differently, yet they themselves still feel safer in the deaf community and ill at ease with hearers. You're stuck in a no-man's land where you're not really accepted by other infertiles, but perhaps not ready to accept yourself with the no-issues-getting-pregnant community. I can see why you're hurt, to be honest I think the real fault lies with whoever is running this group. As a professional, and a user of services, I'm feeling pretty mad at them for letting you down. They should have strategies worked out for supporting everyone, knowing full well the people they work with are, by nature of needing the group, not necessarily able to support each other. I guess what I'm saying is don't beat yourself up, but don't beat those other girls up either in your head. We're none of us what we once were before infertility kicked us in the teeth. Maybe speak to the therapist about some sort of 'debrief' and make sure you feel safe in the group, and weigh up what feels right in the future vs staying in the group or leaving and seeking support elsewhere.

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    1. Thanks so much for your reply. You really hit the nose on the head with what you said. The thing is, I totally understand it. I get where they are coming from. I still feel like that. I think you are right in saying that the group leader really should have handled things differently, knowing how difficult ANY pregnancy announcements are to hear when you are going through infertility. I am definitely going to send her an email and express to her my concerns over last night and tell her that I won't be returning. Thanks again for supporting me where you can. It is so much appreciated.

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  2. I am sorry you had to go through that. It seems sometimes that people who are hurting can only lesson their pain when they make other hurt or feel uncomdortable. You have every right to be there ...maybe you could let the group leader know...she should conduct the group so everyone feels comfortable and not just those going thrpugh ivf.

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    1. I am totally getting in touch with the group leader. Not even necessarily for me because I know that I will not be going back, but for any other women who might be looking for support that are also in my situation. I would hate to have them go to the program and have the same thing happen to them. I guess I should have found a strictly RPL group, although I am not sure those even exist.

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  3. Sorry, sweetie! Pregnancy announcements are really hard when they come from fertiles and only hard when they come from infertiles/RPLers. I will always try and rejoice with a fellow infertile/RPLer though. That pregnancy is hard won and it's not going to be easy at all. I would want the same support if I ever get pregnant and stay pregnant, so I feel like I have to give the support now even if I'm still in the trenches. It was wrong of the women in your support group to treat you like that. Just because you're not going through the same stuff does not mean that you don't need support.

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    1. Thank you. I completely agree with everything you said!

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  4. Oh, dear.

    I will be your internet buddy, damnit.

    Let me just say that I'm an IVFer who was never pregnant before IVF and then I lost the one I got pregnant with... So I have a definite grasp on the whole "nobody's getting pregnant without a Doctor in the room" thing and also the tiniest grasp on a losing-baby thing. They both BLOW. It's apples & oranges.

    I admittedly used to think "if only I could get pregnant once and then at least I'd know I could". Now having lost one I can safely say - nope, doesn't make me feel any better or any more likely to bring home a baby.

    People can argue all they'd like about whether it'd be easier to never have chocolate in your life but watch seemingly everyone else get to eat it by the metric ton, or to just get to lick a square and have it taken away. Who cares? Both scenarios are awful! Give me the freaking chocolate, damnit!

    Anyhoo I am a babyless IVFer and I'm HAPPY for you. That kid is getting nothing but good vibes from me. I fully expect you to get out of the water and onto that lifeboat and then drag my ass out by my hair.

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    1. Thank you. I am so lucky to have such an amazing support group through blogging! I never realized that there was this world of totally awesome people out there blogging away through infertility and loss.

      I agree with you. I am not going to pretend that I know what it is like to go through IVF and say that I wish I would rather have never been pregnant, because like you said, they are apples and oranges. You have been through both and you know. They both suck pretty much as much as anything could possibly ever suck (if that makes sense). We all just need to support each other through the thick and thin because we are all (unfortunately) in this sad club.

      Thank you again for being such an awesome bloggie friend. You and all of the other ladies out there are simply AMAZING! I love you all! Muah!!

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  5. Omg that is so terrible you had to go through that! I would have broken down and probably either left or blown up at them. You are a strong woman to hold your cool.
    It is totally unfair how they are treating you, but I do understand what you mean! I too haven't so much got the issue now with getting pregnant, I used to, and now it's the staying part just like you. However it almost makes me feel like i don't deserve to be classed as 'infertile', and I often wonder how other woman feel who can't even get to my stage.
    But these woman also do not understand how hard it is to get your BFP, see your baby and then lose it all. They have not repeatedly expelled their dreams out in terrible miscarriages, or been crushed by yet another lost child that did once exist but nobody acknowledges. We are all in this together, everybodies journey is different and that is why we are all here to support each other. These women are just being petty, if they wish to act like that then let them, don't let them drag away your sunshine!

    We all are happy for you, no matter what happened previously in your journey :)

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    1. Thank you so much. This whole thing sucks...infertility, loss, IVF. It sucks even more when it becomes a who had it the worst type of contest. Ugh. Shouldn't we be happy for our fellow "infertiles" who have come out on the other side? Thanks again for being here for me! :)

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  6. I admit that when I first read of your pregnancy I dropped your blog. I was (am) happy for you but it was too hard to read about! But I'm back! I think you're a great writer and sound like an awesome person. I think those other women should be ashamed of themselves.

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    1. Thanks so much, I really appreciate it. I understand how hard this whole thing is and how bad it sucks for those both in and out of the TTC trenches. This is why I am not into regular "bumpdates" and regular "bump photos". While they are fine for some, you won't find them here, EVER. I feel the need to be sensitive to anyone reading my blog. Thanks for coming back! :)

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  7. I'm horrified at how they treated you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm an IF group, too, and been on both the giving and receiving end of pg announcements. It's been interesting....it always becomes uncomfortable after an announcement, and I've been surprised at how much of an outcast the pg woman becomes. It really sucks.

    I wish the group leader had found a way to make this more comfortable for everyone involved. She could have told the group by email before the meeting so people had time to process it.

    We did the buddy system, too, and some people didn't click with their buddies. You are not the only one! Yours sounds really rude.

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    1. I have seriously been going over the other night in my head constantly trying to make sense of everything. For me, I feel like it has always been much easier for me to feel happy for those that have gotten pregnant after beating RPL or infertility. I am hoping to speak on the phone with the group leader later today. It will be quite interesting what she has to say.

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  8. Ugh, I'm so sorry that your group members made you feel that way. That totally sucks! I understand where they are coming from, but really, won't they want the support once they get pregnant? I've learned to be happy for those that have been through RPL and are pregnant again...they have struggled just as hard as I have...they deserve this. YOU deserve this! ((Hugs))

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  9. Jeeeez what a bunch of snobs. I seriously don't think they can hold a candle to so many losses, no matter how hard it is to spend that much money and keep getting BFNs. They most likely don't know what to say, but instead they treat you like crap. Don't like it! Don't go back! You may end up having to look online for true "buddies", but we are here! It's terribly hard to find other single, gay, foster parents who are also TTC (or pregnant), and I have only found a few online. Still, that much has made a world of difference to me, even if I wish it was in real life.

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