Just twiddling my thumbs over here (ok actually I am taking a lunch break from my workday which has turned out to be quite hectic) and waiting for next Friday when I am supposed to get my period.  So far I have no symptoms other than fatigue, but I am always tired.  It doesn't matter how much or how little sleep I get, I am still always tired. 

During the 2ww I usually prescribe to the same things...over-analyzing every twinge in my body, not taking any advil, not eating anything that might be considered "bad" if I were to actually become pregnant, and not using any products like salycilic acid.   For some reason, I also always cut back on my exercise.  Not sure if this is subconscious or not.  Normally, I work out 5-6 days a week.  During the 2ww I usually only work out 3-4 times.  I also find that during the 2ww (pregnant cycles and non-pregnant cycles alike), my workouts become twice as hard.  Last night I decided to run 3 miles at a slow pace and then do the stairmaster for 15 minutes.  The 3 mile run, done at about a 9 minute pace totally exhausted me.  Normally, or should I say lately, I have been ok at an 8:30 to 8:15 pace.  I was dripping sweat afterwards.  I rarely sweat during a run unless it is 90 degrees and sunny out at any other time of my cycle.  The stairmaster experience was even worse.  Buckets of sweat.  So what gives?  Is it all in my head?  Thankfully, I am starting my holistic program on July 9.  I am definitely going to ask them this question and whether they think this is all in my head. 

Speaking of the program, I got my syllabus for the program today and spoke with the coordinator over the phone who scheduled me for a formal "intake" appointment.  I have a whole big packet of forms to fill out, which I guess will help guide the program coordinators on the best ways to go about helping me as part of the program. 

In our first group meeting on the 9th, we are doing the following:

• Introduction of peer counselor
• Introduction of group members
• Explanation of mechanics of the program
• Relationship between stress and infertility
• Side effects and consequences of stress
• Introduction to relaxation techniques
• Assignment of buddy

The rest of the syllabus looks very interesting.  I'll update on the rest of the contents as the course unfolds.  I am really looking forward to it.  Anything that I can look forward to right now, helps me.  One blog entry that I read on the website where I get my fertility meds, stated that infertility patients live there lives in cycles, and usually 2 week increments (follicular phase/luteal phase).  This is so true.  I live my life an plan around ovulation.  Sigh.  Hopefully this program can whip me into shape, help me get pregnant, and fix my 2ww workout issues!

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

8 Comments »

• Today I went in for cd21 blood work as instructed by the nurse that I talked to the other day when I was freaking out about possibly not ovulating.  My normal 45 minute commute to work was increased to a 2 hour commute.  Oh well, one day I will tell my future child about all of this and they will know how much they are wanted!  When I got back from there I decided to Google ‘21 day progesterone test’.  What I found is that the nurse didn’t really give me the best information regarding said test.  She didn’t mention that you are supposed to go 7 days after ovulation.  In a perfect 28 day cycle where ovulation happens on the 14^th, it would be cd 21.  In a cycle where you ovulated on cd 16 you would then go on cd 23.  Since I believe that I ovulated on cd 16, this would render the test worthless, right?  Good thing I trekked all the way over there this morning.  Just add it to the list of reasons why I need to fire my RE's office!
• Last night I got a frantic call from my pregnant friend (the one with the subchorionic hematoma I mentioned in a previous post) asking me if I could take her to the hospital because she was gushing blood.  Her husband is a state trooper and works many nights so he wasn’t going to be able to pick her up.  I rushed over to get her.  She was shaking with panic and felt very lightheaded from all of the blood loss.  Her neighbor, who was so sweet, came over to watch her sleeping baby while we were gone.  I got her to the hospital in one piece and her husband ended up being there to greet us, so I didn’t have to stay.  Luckily the baby is still doing great, but her subchorionic hematoma is still as big as it was at her last ultrasound a week ago.  She was released from the hospital, so now she just has to rest and hope for the best.  I told her that this little chickie (I am sure it is a girl) is going to be just fine.  She is a fighter and will get through this.  I am still praying for her every day!
• On a completely unrelated note, I am going to be an extra in a movie on Thursday!  I submitted a head shot and application about a month and a half ago not every remotely expecting them to call me.  Chances are I will be doing something totally stupid like standing in a crowd of people or talking by the camera, but it is still pretty exciting to me!  Something that I can cross off of my bucket list and yet another something to keep me preoccupied during this 2ww!

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

5 Comments »

I am dedicating this post to my wonderful husband of almost 4 years (6/28 is our anniversary!).  This morning I had trouble getting myself out the door on time to make my train.  Maybe it was because it was a Monday or maybe it is because it was sunny when I left for work, but I knew it was going to rain later so I had to cram my rainjacket into my bag that was already busting at the seams.  I was very flustered and dropping things left and right as I got into the car. 

Halfway to the train station I realized that I had forgotten my umbrella and I have to walk 1 mile and a quarter to my acupunctue appointment after work.  I threw a hysterical fit, in the midst of which I banged my hand and started bleeding.  Fabulous. 

When we got to the train station I was in such a furious rage that I quickly kissed my husband goodbye, got out, and slammed the door.  Normally I linger a little longer and kiss my doggie, too.  I was so annoyed with everything.  Then a 9 month preggo woman had to stand right next to me at the train station and just stood there rubbing her belly.  Kill me, please.  Oh and the kicker was that my train was 10 minutes late.  That just added fuel to the fire.

About 11 AM, I got a call from my husband who said he was outside my work with something for me.  Now he doesn't work close to me but ocassionally travels to visit different locations.  At this point it was pouring rain and all I had was my lousy Totes emergency mini-umbrella that is also partially broken.  I walked out to his car and saw that he had brought me my super-duty GustBuster Umbrella and a chamomile tea.  What a sweetheart even after I was a miserable jerk this morning. 

Through the past year, my husband and I have weathered such an intense storm.  It is amazing that we are going as strong as ever right now.  We have rejoiced together after getting our first BFP and then cried together after finding out that our baby wasn't going to make it.  He has held my hand though test after test and has dealt with my crazy hormonal rollar coaster.  He has taken care of my after surgeries and cooked for me when I didn't have the energy or or desire to eat.  He has encouraged me to take on acupuncture, yoga, therapy, etc.  He never makes me feel like my anger and jealousy towards pregnant women is abnormal.  He now knows all about temperatures and charting, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, and even fertile CM.  We have wandered together through this maze of repeated loss, trying to look for the end.  We haven't found the end yet, but I am hoping that we are getting close.

I love my husband so much and I am so lucky that I have him.  Sometimes I forget how much he means to me because I get so wrapped up in trying to get pregnant that I forget that he was here first.  We were here first.  I am glad he is so patient with me.  I just hope and pray that on our 50th wedding anniversary we will be sitting around with our children and grandchildren delebrating and all of the sadness of this time will have faded into the background.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

7 Comments »

Fertility Friend decided to give me crosshairs today, which is surprising because of how bad my chart is.  My temp today was the same as yesterday...an abysmal 97.66 F.  Really?  I never understand how this can happen.  In my few months of charting, I have never had a chart this ugly.  I did a little chart surfing this morning and found very few ugly charts like mine that resulted in pregnancy.  Crap.

I decided to try the pineapple core trick this cycle.  I have not tried it before, but have heard that it helped others with implantation.  I went out to the grocery store last night, bought a pineapple, and sliced it into 5 equal parts (I did my best with the whole equal part).  I ate the first slice last night, core and all.  I know you are supposed to go from 1dpo - 5dpo, but I wasn't exactly sure if I had ovulated so I gave it an extra day.  Apparently the bromelain in the pineapple core is supposed to help make the uterine environment more friendly for implantation.  I guess you'd have to have a fertilized egg first though and I am not sure I got that.  We'll see what happens.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

8 Comments »

Yesterday I woke up in a terrible mood and all because of one stupid thing, my temperature.  It is amazing how I can let something like a temperature ruin almost an entire day.  I would love to say that this is the first time that this has happened to me, but that wouldn't be true.  There have been many times in the past 6 months where my temperature has caused me so much stress, anger, and confusion.  What has my life come to?!

Explaining how I feel to anyone who isn't temping or hasn't temped wouldn't make any sense.  So many people I know tell me to stop doing it and to stop trying.  I am not going to even get into the whole "stop trying and it will happen" thing or the "I know someone who adopted and then got pregnant".  Temping is one of the only things that I feel, in my situation, helps me feel like I have some perceived level of control.  The past year of my life has been so outside of my control, so it feel like being able to at least track what my body is doing helps give me some comfort.  I know I really have no control over what my body does (that is obvious to me at this point!), but I know when/if I have ovulated and when I am going to get my period.

We put the cats in the basement last night so I had a much better night's sleep.  I slept until just a little while before my alarm went off at 4:30 AM.  I took my temp and then went right back to sleep.  I am a big fan of the recall button.  I am working from home today so I got to go back to sleep for another 2 hours.  When I woke up I was filled with so much anxiety about what my temp would be.  Turns out it was much higher.  Now I am thinking that I may have ovulated yesterday and my temp from Wednesday was a fluke because of my quick illness.  I have not yet thrown out a temperature, but I am thinking of doing that with Wednesday's.  Advice would be appreciated!

Today is a better day.  I have a little more hope for this cycle even though I have a feeling that this isn't going to be it.  It is Friday, we are going out with friends tonight, it is going to be a nice and warm weekend.  Now I just need to remember to breathe.  I shouldn't let me days be defined by a wacky temperature.  There is so much more to life than that.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

10 Comments »

I was pretty sure that I ovulated on Tuesday.  I had the positive opks and a decent amount of CM.  My temps were up on Wednesday so I thought that was a good sign.  Then I took my temperature this morning...

Last night I didn't sleep that great.  It was really hot and even with the central a/c our upstairs never gets as cool as the downstairs.  We had to keep our bedroom door open all night so that we could get better air circulation in there.  Good news for my cats.  They were so excited that our door was open that they both decided that it would be great to sleep with us last night.  One of my cats is rather large (she is like 16 lbs).  Her favorite thing to do it lay on my legs which is not so great ever, but especially not so great when it is so hot.  I woke up about 3 times last night to kick her out.  The last time was about an hour before I was supposed to get up.  Not a great night's rest.

When my alarm went off, like usual, I grabbed my thermometer and stuck it under the left side of my tongue.  The stupid thing beeped in only 2 minutes (it usually takes 3-4), so I knew that was a bad sign.  Lo and behold my temp dipped to 97 freaking degrees.  WTF.  Guess I didn't ovulate.   I got out of bed, so angry.  I rushed through my hair/make-up routine and then went to wake up my husband.  Not sure why I thought it was a good idea to wake him up with the words, "I think this is really bad news".  Basically our 7 days in a row of "baby-making" may have been wasted.  Uggggghhh.

Let me rewind to last night...day 7 in a row of having sex.  Both of us were so tired.  Me from being sick and then having to function like normal and him from working hard at work all day and then working out.  It was also so hot.  I thought it was "insurance" day, so for good measure we got the job done.  I don't think it was very pleasurable for either of us.  He was super hot and I was really uncomfortable.  Not a good combination.  I think we were both relieved that we had accomplished what we wanted to accomplish. 

Back to this morning.  As soon as I got to work I called my doctor and left a frantic message.  Then I called my friend and she let me bitch to her about my body being so messed up (if you are reading this B, thank you).  As soon as I got off the phone with my friend, the nurse from my RE's office called. 

Paraphrased for brevity's sake
Nurse: I just listened to your message.  So you got a positive ovulation test on Tuesday but don't think you ovulated?
Me: Yes.  I got a positive ovulation test and I know that you don't believe in temping, but my temperature is really low today and it always goes up after I ovulate.  Since I was really sick on Tuesday, I think that may have caused me to not ovulate.  Should I come in for a blood test?
Nurse: If you got a positive ovulation test then you ovulated or are ovulating now.  Your temperatures are not going to be reliable if you were so sick because chances are you are still slightly dehydrated.  That might cause your temperature to be low.
Me: So it isn't possible that I got the positive ovulation test/LH surge and didn't actually ovulate?
Nurse: No, it isn't possible.
Me: Can I come in for a blood test to confirm? 
Nurse:  (Goes into a spiel about coming in every day for LH tests and says it is too late for this cycle)  You can come in on cd 21 for a progesterone test and we can confirm ovulation then.  When is your cd 21?
Me: Next Tuesday.
Nurse: Ok then, come in then and we will test you and then you will know for sure.
Me: Should I continue the opks to be sure I haven't ovulated yet?
Nurse: No.  You already got a positive test so you already ovulated or are ovulating now.
Me: What if my blood work on Tuesday shows that I haven't ovulated?
Nurse: (In a tone of complete contempt and annoyance of my apparent lack of ovulatory knowledge)  Well we will talk to Dr. X to see if we need to evaluate/change your treatment.

Fabulous.  Now I feel sooooo much better.  NOT.  I am so incredibly angry and annoyed this morning.  I totally feel like just leaving work and going home to go to sleep.  Oh and I forgot to mention, my husband uttered the words, "I don't think it is ever going to happen" right before I left for work.  Awesome, that's the spirit.  I can be pissed, but he shouldn't be pissed with me.  This day can go to hell.  :(

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

7 Comments »

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

3 Comments »

I woke up in the middle of the night last night feeling incredibly nauseous.  I laid there in bed to see if it would pass, but unfortunately it did not.  I ended up throwing up for about 4 hours.  I woke up my poor husband who brought me ice and water, even though I couldn't get anything down.  Throwing up is ONLY appreciated when you are pregnant (this coming from someone who be so lucky to have morning sickness).

I watched 3 episodes of Love It or List It on HGTV and had to keep getting up.  I was so tired I would fall asleep on the toilet.  Finally around 5 AM I fell asleep on the couch as it was getting light outside. I woke up at 5:30 and crawled back into bed.  I slept for a few more hours.

I woke a a little while ago with a bad headache, but no longer feeling nauseous.  Taking my temp was totally shot to hell.  When I took it this morning @ 9 it was almost 98 degrees.  I normally temp at 4:30 AM so I guess today is a wash.  I peed in a cup and dunked in the CB Digi for 15 seconds.  Big O.  Then just for kicks I dipped in a Wondfo.  The Wondo is nearly if not positive.  Ahhhh I don't know what stick to believe anymore.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

1 Comment »

After getting another false positive on the Clearblue Digi opk yesterday morning, I decided to call the number on the box to chat with an "expert".  My second false positive yesterday was done while I was away from my house.  I had peed on the stick this time because I thought it was kind of gross to pack a "pee-cup" with me.  Of course when I woke up I was still not with it 100% so I guess I must have stuck it in the flow for a second too long?  Sure enough another "smiley".  When I ejected the stick, it was almost completely blue with no lines.  WTF?  I was so annoyed because I didn't bring an extra stick and I had to hold it for several hours later in the day. 

I took a Wondfo yesterday afternoon and it was definitely negative.  I have the beginnings of fertile CM, but no EWCM yet.  I always have EWCM before a positive ovulation test.  I also know that the test in the morning was not a true positive.  After seeing some of the comments on my previous post, I decided to call the hotline.  Wasting 2 sticks from that box killed me.  They are almost $2 a stick!

The girl on the recorded phone call politely asked me what my question was.  I explained to her the situation with the positive and then negative test in the same urine and the whole dye run.  She was very firm with me in explaining that you should NEVER look at the stick itselff because the digital device does not interpret straight off of the lines.  She said that the digital reader is always right and detects "blah blah" amount of LH.  I told her I understood, but that the stick was almost completely blue from dye and when I have had sticks look like this before they came up with errors on the digital reader.  She again scolded me for even looking at the line, but told me that she would send me a free pack if I would answer some questions for her.  Ummm duh.  Of course I am going to answer questions and save some money.

She asked me about my cycle length and when I last got my period.  I told her my range had been from 41-32 days and she asked me when I had last had a 32 day cycle.  I told her that was my last cycle and they were shortening because I was taking fertility medication.  She asked if my medication could be causing a false positive.  I told her no.  Femara isn't supposed to cause false positives, plus that wasn't my issue.  Then she asked if I had an HCG trigger or if I could have been pregnant.  I told I did not have a trigger and there was no chance I was pregnant since I had gotten a negative HCG beta and then gotten my period 2 days later.  Her final "bright idea" was that maybe my cycles really were shortening so much that I actual was getting a positive result.  She said she hadn't really heard of anyone ever getting a positive and then a negative with the same urine.  I didn't even know what to say to that so I just reiterated the fact that I felt that I couldn't trust the tests anymore because of what had happened.  She stopped with the ideas and gathered my address, the lot number of the package, and the expiration date.  She told me to call back with the numbers on the stick and foil wrapper for their information.  Tonight I get to go sifting through my bathroom trash can.  Fun!  Oh well, at least I will get some free tests!  Now I just have to figure out when I am going to ovulate!

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

1 Comment »

Father's Day has been a hard day for me since losing my dad.  In the first few years after he passed, I would really hate the day.  I would talk to my mom and we would pray for Monday together.  Not having your dad on Father's Day is tough.

This year was interesting.  My husband and I drove down to visit his sister, her fiance, and his Dad.  We had dinner together.  We shared nice conversation.  We shared several bottles of wine (yes, I broke my promise to Dr. Zhang).  My husband's Dad's (3rd) wife was in rare form.  She started talking to me about how she was so depressed.  She said her weight combined with the fact that they have no money has made her very miserable.  She mentioned that she had started drinking again.  Then she told me that she hadn't had sex with my FIL in 2 years.  OMG.  Totally didn't want to know that.  Now comes the really bad part of all of this...she told me that she was thinking about killing herself.  She said that no one would care (except maybe her husband & her adopted son) and she was feeling so hopeless.  I didn't even know how to respond to her.  Meanwhile everyone else was drinking and having fun.  She said she felt like she could talk to me for some reason.  Somehow I always find myself in these types of situations.  Probably because I am a good listener and tend to keep my mouth shut even when I would like to open it and say something.

Now my husband and his sister pretty much despise her.  They see her as a "blood-sucking leech".  I could go on for hours describing her and her dynamic with the two of them, but I won't bore you all with the details.  I'll just say that since she and my FIL have been together I have seen him change quite a bit from a self-sufficient and strong willed individual to flat broke and passive.  She pretty much does all of the talking for both of them.  When I told my husband and SIL, what she had said to me, they both said "let her do it".  Ugh.  I mean I am not a fan of her, but I do feel bad that she feels so low.  I have felt like I didn't want to live before and it is terrible.  I am not quite sure what to do in this scenario.

When she and my FIL were getting ready to leave after dinner, she gave me a hug and told me thanks for listening.  I kind of just shrugged my shoulders because I wasn't sure what kind of response to give her.

We all met for brunch this morning before we headed back.  We had a nice time and my FIL's wife seemed in better spirits.  Her son came along so I think that helped her.  After brunch we were all hugging and saying goodbye.  She gave me a hug and told me that she was feeling much better now and she said "I'm all good".  She asked me if I was good.  She knows about my miscarriages.  She had 13 (or at least that is what she told me) and was never able to have her own children because she finally got her tubes removed.  I told her I was good, too, not really knowing what that meant.  I guess maybe our conversation last night helped her in some way?  I know my husband and SIL hate her, and like I said, I will never be a fan, but I would never want anyone I know to kill themselves.  Even someone I don't like.

I asked my husband how he was doing today.  He mentioned that he was feeling a little sad, but asked me how I was doing.  I am praying so hard that next year we will be able to celebrate Father's Day, in his honor.

So yeah that was my Father's Day weekend.  I am glad tomorrow is Monday and we won't have any of these holidays for a while.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

1 Comment »

I never thought this could happen, but it happened to me this morning.  I am a big fan of the Clearblue Digital Ovulation Tests (aka 'smiley face' opk).  I have had very good luck with them so far.  This morning I started my usual testing a few days before my CM is even fertile.  I peed in the cup, stuck in the stick for 15 what I thought was 15 seconds (by counting one one thousand, two one thousand, etc.), set it on the counter, and then walked away to my computer.  I started peeing in cups instead of right on the stick because, since I use FMU, I find myself way too uncoordinated when I first wake up to be able to aim at the stick.

Fully expecting a big O, I returned to the bathroom to check and lo and behold there was a smiley.  WTF?!  It is only cd 11.  I immediately ejected the stick and saw a tremendous dye run.  I got out a Wondfo opk, dipped that for 3 seconds, and then watched it like a hawk.  A very light test line...definitely not my usual positive.  Luckily I hadn't thrown out the urine yet so I waited for the CB Digi to get back to a blank screen and then I got out another stick (I cringe thinking about the cost of this).  This time I got my cell phone stopwatch and used it.  15 seconds later I laid the stick down on the sink and walked away.  A few minutes later I came back and it was indeed a big O.  I ejected the test and saw that there was very faint test line.

A few things...

1.  I have heard that CB Digis NEVER have false positives.  I did a little Internet research and I have found some similar stories (and pictures) of girls that have had false positives due to dye runs.  Many suggest calling the company to confirm.  I wonder if they would send me a free test kit due to this waste of an extra stick.

2.  I have had similar dye runs cause actual errors on the test.  I feel like this one should have caused an error so now I am wondering if this electronic test stick is screwed up.

3.  Last month when I got a smiley, I also had a strongly positive Wondfo opk.  This was not the case this time.

4.  Last month I ovulated on day 17.  I am feeling like it might be a little earlier this month, but not day 11 or 12!  I don't even have any fertile CM yet.

Here is the pic...what do you all think?  Totally a false positive right?  Have you ever had a false positive due to a dye run?

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

5 Comments »

For some reason I have been having weird pregnancy related dreams, or what I might equate to personal nightmares.  I have had 2 similar dreams in the past week.  In my first dream, I dreamt that my sister-in-law found out that she was pregnant by my sister's boyfriend.  The crazier thing is that my SIL is engaged!  In the dream, my husband was forcing me to write a letter to her telling her how happy I was for her.  I clearly remember writing the words in cursive on a decorative piece of paper.  The problem was that I was not happy for her at all.  I was so angry and jealous.  I didn't even seem bothered by the fact that she was pregnant by my sister's boyfriend, I was more angry at the fact that she was pregnant.  I would love to know what that one means.

Two nights later, I had a dream where my other sister announced that she was unexpectedly pregnant.  In that dream all I remember is being so upset.  In my dream I was sobbing so hard that I woke myself up gasping for breath.  I seem to have developed some deep seeded fear of others around me (mainly in my immediate family) getting pregnant.  It is like I am so worried that this is going to happen that I make myself dream about it so that I will have to deal with it.  This may be yet another sign that I should sign up for that program.

Unrelated item... I just finished my 5 days of Femara and am now on cd 10.  I think I'll start using opks again tomorrow even though I no I am not close to ovulating yet.  CM is always an indicator for me that I am close.  The waxing site has almost healed so it is time to get back in action.  Am I ready for this again?!

Totally unrelated to everything...  I went to see my favorite band, Keane, the other night and my husband and I were so lucky to be almost touching the stage.  The lead singer, Tom Chaplin, was amazing as usual.  Man that guy has a set of pipes.  One of the best songs of the night was a new song off their album called "Starting Line".  I think I have mentioned before that their latest album is so relevant to my life right now and this song is no exception.  Well when Tom was singing these couple of lines from this song, he was seriously looking right at me.  It was just the coolest feeling.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

1 Comment »

Ok not really...just went to the day spa and got a Brazilian wax and a pedicure afterwards to dull the pain.  I decided what a better way to make "baby-making" more fun than to spice it up a little, right?

If you have ever had a Brazilian wax before you know that it is probably one of the most unpleasant experience that you can have at a spa.  I have had several before and, let me tell you, they don't get any less painful!  It is always a little awkward going to a new place, too, which was the case today.  Getting briefly acquainted with an esthetician before they rip all the hair off of your v.agina is rather tough.  I used to be rather shy about spreading my legs to strangers, but having 3 miscarriages has made me get over that fear really fast.  I feel like so many people have seen my lady parts I have lost count.  

The wax hurt.  The esthetician kept asking me if I was ok because after ripping off the hair from several really sensitive spots I started bracing for subsequent pulls and my hands were profusely sweating for some reason!  I guess it could have been due to the fact that my fists were clenched so tightly.  I was wishing I had some kind of stress ball to squeeze.  After she was done she touched up a few spots with tweezers, which honestly I couldn't even feel at that point, and then did a few strips of my inner thighs which didn't hurt at all either.  I think I was desensitized at that point!

After the wax, I headed downstairs (crotch on fire), to get my well deserved pedicure.  I was the only one there at that point.  I read a few gossip mags while I soaked my feet and saw that pretty much all of Hollywood is pregnant and ready to pop.  What a surprise (NOT)!  As the pedicurist(?) worked on my feet, a woman, her husband, and their newborn freaking baby walked in.  Just my fabulous luck.  The entire staff at the spa went nuts.  I got to listen to this woman talk about how being pregnant was so hard on her body and how tired she was from feeding every 2 hours.  Wah, wah.  I had been so relaxed with the pedicure up until that point an then I just wanted it to be over with.  I wanted to get out of there and be done with her complaining.  So much for my relaxing pedicure.  Why is it that this type of thing ALWAYS seems to happen to me.  It is like I am being punished for something and need constant reminders of what I don't have.  What the heck did I do to deserve this?!  :(

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

3 Comments »

Yesterday was my first session with the psychologist at the Infertility Mind/Body Center.  It is housed in the same complex as a major IVF clinic so I was figuring that the Center would be focused on ART.  I wasn't necessarily correct with that assumption.  The place seems very holistic and while they believe that ART does oftentimes need to be the method for conception, they also believe in a more well-rounded approach.

I was early for my appointment because I didn't want to be late if I couldn't find it.  While I waited, I perused some of the interesting reading materials they had available in the waiting room.  I picked up a thick binder of studies regarding vitamins/supplements and fertility.  Wow.  So interesting.  There was even an article about CoQ10 and how it can help both men and women.  I immediately felt comfortable in this place.

I met with the psychologist for close to an hour.  This session was mostly about getting to know me and my unique situation.  She was very understanding and went through infertility and 2 miscarriages herself.  She listened to my "story" and asked some further questions about everything.  She then mentioned a 10 week program that she is hosting starting in July.  It is basically a holistic infertility/loss program that 12-16 women take part in (spouses are partially included).  They don't kick you out if you get pregnant, especially since they know that getting pregnant is only half the battle for some of the women in the program.

Here are the goals of the program:

• Reduce infertility related stress symptoms of anxiety, insomnia & headaches.
• Self-coping strategies.
• Ideas for fertility enhancement by making lifestyle changes.
• How to induce relaxation.
• Alternative medicine approaches.

Each participant gets a manual, a book, a relaxation cd & a yoga cd, all to aid in having a successful pregnancy.  The psychologist mentioned that once in the group, each person is assigned a buddy.  You are encouraged to check in with your buddy regularly by meeting up for coffee or going for a walk together once a week.  She also said that the people in the group usually form a very strong bond and end up meeting after the session ends for a monthly dinner.  Getting together with bunch of ladies in my same situation...It all sounded really nice to me.  The only drawbacks are that it is about $500 (after insurance) and it is almost an hour from my house.  I guess I have to decide what to do.   Yes or no?

Completely unrelated...last night I was taking my dog for a walk when my husband's friend pulled up and asked if I wanted to meet his daughter.  I had been avoiding meeting her because I have had a hard time with accepting that they had such an easy time conceiving and I still haven't even been able to get farther than 8.5 weeks.  They announced their pregnancy at 6 weeks.  Seriously.  Anyways, I decided that it would be totally rude to say that I was in a hurry so I met their little daughter.  Wow she was so cute.  Very pleasant and already over 6 months.  I kind of felt like a huge a$$ for not making any effort to visit them after they had her.  My husband's friend knows about the 1st 2 miscarriages.  He asked me how I was doing and I just kind of shrugged and said ok.  I could tell he knew it was hard for me.  I was glad to have finally met her, although it made me so jealous.  I was in a sad mood last night and feeling sorry for myself again.  I think I am leaning towards a yes on the holistic session.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

4 Comments »

I have been thinking about this a lot lately...things that I have lost as a result of my recurrent miscarriages.  This whole chapter of my life has changed me so much and I am not sure that I will ever go back to being the girl that I was before all of this.  Here are a few items on my casualty list.  I am sure  that I have missed things and that I will be adding to this list indefinitely.

1.  Friends.  Before my miscarriages I didn't have a problem when friends got pregnant.  Since I wasn't trying, I still had the possibility that whenever we started trying we would be pregnant.  One of my best friends from college's wife had a baby back in the fall.  I have not yet seen their baby.  He doesn't know about my troubles, nor has he asked. He sends me emails every now and again telling me how wonderful his son is and how much he loves his "perfect little family".  It is enough to make we want to punch the wall and scream and cry.  I cannot bring myself to go see them.  Another friend had her baby back in March (she was due a month before my 1st EDD).  I have also not seen her baby yet.  I just don't have the strength.  She also knows about my first miscarriage, but never really made any effort to check in with me to see how I was holding up.  I feel like I can't relate to people who have gotten pregnant easily (friend from college's wife) or by accident (other friend).  It makes me so angry when I think about it.  They are probably both mad that I haven't shown the slightest bit of interest in their kids.  I may never really be friends with either of them again because they just don't get it.  Cue my psychologist appointment on Monday...

2.  Sleeping in.  Before my first 2 miscarriages I was not temping or even using OPKs.  Now I get up every morning at 4:30 AM (even on the weekends) to take my temperature.  Even on the weekends.  I sometimes fall back to sleep on Saturdays/Sundays, but oftentimes I just lay there in bed thinking about how unfair everything is.

3.  Being excited about pregnancy.  I don't feel like I will even be able to be excited about being pregnant after 3 consecutive miscarriages.  Seeing a BFP means anxiously waiting for beta results and thinking the worst at every ultrasound.  Oh how I wish I could just be happy when getting a BFP.  Happy thinking about the possibilities and happy about the future.

4.  My "pre-pregnancies body".  Man I used to be in such great shape.  Looking at pictures of me from before getting pregnant and I am jealous of my own self!  I am not overweight by any means (119 lbs), but I used to be very athletic looking and toned.  Now I have lost most of that and just look blah.

5.  My self-esteem.  I used to have have faith that anything I put my mind to I would be able to accomplish.  That was a great source of my self-esteem.  Now it seems that I can't accomplish this one thing that every woman is supposed to be able to do, naturally.  I am a perfectionist by nature and it absolutely kills me that I can't make this happen.  I feel like less of a woman because of it.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

4 Comments »

My dear friend is going though some trouble with her pregnancy right now and needs lots of prayers.  I don't have all the details, but it she has some type of hematoma that is causing serious pain and bleeding.  She is 12 weeks.  The good news is that her baby is is still doing great right now (HR 171).  She went to the ER (specific for maternal fetal medicine) last night and they basically told her that there was nothing that could be done.  They told her to go about her normal activities and to call them if she was soaking through 2 pads in 2 consecutive hours.

A little background on her, she only has one fallopian tube that had to be removed while she was going through IVF.  She has experienced a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage before her first live birth.  She gave birth to her amazing daughter a little over a year ago...an IVF miracle.  She is the cutest and most active little girl.  For this pregnancy she used some frozen embies with no meds and became pregnant.  Her pregnancy has gone ok so far although she had some spotting early on due to an early hematoma that went away.  Her 12 week ultrasound this week was fabulous, but then she started to cramp and bleed.  The worry and dread all came back for her.  :-(

I did some of my own research and this is what I found (from Just Mommies):

• There are several types of hematomas, but the most common one during the first 20 weeks of pregnancy is a subchorionic hematoma.
• A SCH is basically a blood clot between the uterine wall and the placenta.
• Normally they resolve on their own by reabsorbing into the body or leaving through the cervix as bleeding.
• Sometimes blood-thinners are given to move the process along.
• Bed rest & extra fluids is often advised.
• SCH causes an increased risk for placental abruption.
• The miscarriage rate associated with SCH is only 1-3% (This is a comforting stat).

Has anyone had or known anyone to have a SCH around 12 weeks of pregnancy and delivered a healthy baby?  I would love to offer my friend some advice and comfort.  She is so worried and upset.  I feel so bad for her because I know how awful it is to not know what is going to happen.  I am praying that everything with her little bean is perfect.  Why is it that these things seem to happen to people who have already been through so much?  Thanks for reading.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

1 Comment »

I started practicing yoga on an infrequent basis several years ago, but I could not get into it.  I started with Vinyasa and then moved on to Restorative because I felt so inflexible and uncoordinated in the Vinyasa.  Running was always my number one passion, so that would oftentimes take precedence over yoga.  I felt like yoga wasn't enough of a physical challenge and I felt like the days that I did yoga should also include a run.  I usually didn't have time for both so running would always win out.  I pretty much stopped going for a a year or more.

After my third miscarriage, I decided that I needed to get back to yoga.  I cut way back on running, from 35-40 miles a week to 15-20 so I now had the time.  I wanted to take yoga to help me relax.  My last pregnancy, while short, caused me so much anxiety.  I was constantly anxious from the day that I got my 3rd BFP to the last ultrasound.  I would have a stomachache and headache all day.  I wasn't hungry.  I was constantly emotional and agitated.  I almost wished I wasn't even pregnant because I just couldn't deal with everything.  I went back to my old yoga studio, but decided that I should probably start out with the easiest type of yoga that I could find, Gentle Yoga. 

My first Gentle Yoga class was about 2 weeks after my last D&C.  I was completely out of shape and a ball of angry nerves.  The teacher, a kind older lady, was very welcoming.  I was the youngest participant in the class by about 15-20 years so I stuck out like a sore thumb.  We did lots of breathing exercises and slow moving stretches with some balancing.  I really liked the class and started going 2 times a week. 

After a few weeks I found that I was much more flexible and much more relaxed.  The combination of the yoga and acupuncture has made my anxiety almost non-existent.  I still have some days where I think about the "what ifs" and start freaking out a little, but those days are much fewer and far between. 

Once I got confident enough and a little stronger, I decided to go back to Vinyasa.  My studio was offering a new class with an instructor that I had never had before.  My first Vinyasa class was slightly overwhelming and not like I was used to with Gentle Yoga.  I was almost late and so I had to cram my mat into the back corner.  At Gentle Yoga, there is always space.  The instructor was in amazing shape and could bend like a barbie doll.  The flow was much faster and the poses were more contorted and difficult.  So many of the girls there were younger than me and looked like they stepped directly out of LuLu Lemon.  After that first class I was tired and sore, but I still felt refreshed and relaxed.  I liked how the instructor began class with an intention for the practice and inhaling replenishing breath and exhaling stress and worry.

I have continued to do Vinyasa once a week and Gentle Yoga once a week.  I have found that Gentle Yoga is now very easy and Vinyasa is getting easier.  In Vinyasa yesterday, I did a double pigeon for the first time.  Normally I would modify, but yesterday I went for it. 

At the end of yesterday's class we did some poses using the wall, which the instructor read some excerpts from a book.  The theme was about the fear of the unknown and how life is filled with so many twists and turns that we never know what is going to happen next.  We need to accept the things that happen in our lives and recognize that life would be so boring if we knew what was going to happen next.  Life is exciting because we never know what is going to happen.  We need to accept the things that have happened, let them go, and learn and grow.  I felt like she was speaking directly to me.  I left yesterday's class feeling so refreshed.  Life is so filled with possibilities.  I feel like I am starting again with a clean slate.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

2 Comments »

This morning I woke up to another temperature that was above the coverline.  I wanted to chuck the stupid thermometer out the window out of pure and utter frustration.  Why won't my body just learn to cooperate with me?!?!  My temp was lower for sure, but still hovering just above that red line.  My cramps were still painful and totally felt like I should be bleeding profusely although I had nothing to show for them.

Once I got to work, the cramps got even worse.  I usually don't cramp very much before my period.  I usually get a temp drop, slight cramping, and then poof my period.  I was trying to work, doubled-over at my desk when my boss stopped by to ask me how I was "doing with everything".  She knows about my whole situation and is very sympathetic to it.  She had a few miscarriages and a still born.  She now has 2 healthy kids and a lupus diagnosis.  I complained to her about my uncooperative body and she let me whine for a few minutes.  After my rant I felt better and headed to the bathroom.  Sure enough, AF decided to make her appearance.  I have (almost) never been so excited to see her.  Now those cramps just don't seem as bad.  I am on cd 1 of the first real baby-making cycle since February.  Yay!

A few things that I have learned in this first Femara cycle:

1.  Femara helped to move my ovulation date up from day 26/27 to day 17.
2.  My opk test was positive the same day that I ovulated.
3.  I still had a significant amount of fertile CM while taking Femara.
4.  I'm not a super-fertile.  Having sex 2 times in one day during my fertile period did not get me pregnant (rats).
5.  PMS can last a week.
6.  I probably do not need progesterone supplements.
7.  Patience is a virtue and I don't have it.
8.  I don't spot before AF on or off meds.
9.  Femara did lengthen my luteal phase from 11/12 days to 15 days.
10.  My temp does not need to drop below the coverline for me to get my period.
11.  My total cycle length was 32 days.  This is in the range of NORMAL!! 
12.  No matter how many times I said that I was not trying last month, getting BFNs still hurts. 

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

4 Comments »

Apparently there is a strike going on with my body right now and apparently I didn't get the memo.  My body has decided to fail me once again and not let me finish this God-forsaken cycle.  Why is it that my body can go on strike whenever it wants and I can't cross the freaking picket line?  Enough with the metaphors, where the hell is my fucking period?

I have had cramps for the past few days and feel like I might start it at any minute except that my temp is still above the coverline and it always drops significantly on the day that I get my period.  Tomorrow is 16 dpo.  Is this just the Femara "doing its job"?  I am now beginning to dig up those fears of Asherman's syndrome again because of course one of the symptoms is feeling like you should be getting your period (i.e. cramps), but not getting it.  Fabulous.  Something to keep me up at night again.

I went for a run outside in the rain after work today just because I needed to get out and express my anger.  I hoped I might knock AF loose.  Well obviously no luck in knocking her loose, but it was good to pound the pavement for almost an hour.  I used to run almost every day, but when I got pregnant the first time I was afraid that running "might cause a miscarriage" so I stopped.  Ha.  What a joke.  I wish preventing a miscarriage was as simple as not running.  I used to be a good runner and take part in camps and get first place in my age group.  I think I even got first place female in a race before.  Now I can barely run 5 miles.  Ok I can run 5 miles with no problem, but it now takes me 42 minutes instead of 37 1/2.

I am ready to end this silly day.  I am praying that tomorrow I'll wake up with bloody sheets.  Ok that's kind of gross, but you catch my drift.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

1 Comment »

The jokes on me...where the heck is my freaking period?!

I am definitely NOT pregnant as I had a negative blood draw this morning.  The nurse very reluctantly gave me the bad news this afternoon as I was about to sprint over from work to my acupuncture appointment.  She asked me if my period was late and I told her that it was late by 2 days.  She didn't seem worried and sort of implied that I might not have known when I actually ovulated (ha little does she know I am a psycho obsessed charter). She mentioned that next time I might want to go in around the time of ovulation to have my LH/progesterone tested to be sure.

Rewind to a little earlier today...I received this email from my husband (Yes, the subject of the email is holy f*ck, and this was sent to my work email address).

Holy F*ck My Husband [husband@emailaddress.com] Sent: Monday, June 04, 2012 2:46 PM To: D

[Name of his coworker] just told me his wife is pregnant.  He’s in his forties, has two kids already, 11 & 12.   It came up because he said he’s selling his car and he’s bummed out.  Boo fucking hoo, felt like punching him in the face

I almost wanted to laugh and cry at the same time because this is an email that I should be writing to him.  I am usually the one who is sensitive to these types of comments from others.  I guess it isn't just the women who suffer with infertility and repeated pregnancy loss.

Fast forward to my acupuncture appointment this afternoon.  I braved the wind, rain, and 50 degree temps on my 1 mile plus walk to the office from work.  The acupuncture itself was nice although people kept on slamming the main door to the office and it kept waking me up out of a peaceful rest.  I walked back to the train station from the appointment, in the wind, rain, and 50 degree temps and sprinted to the bathroom.  For some reason acupuncture makes me have to pee.  As I was washing my hands I happened to look in the mirror.  There was a serious dried blood streak down the middle of my forehead to the top of my nose.  OMG.  I looked so ridiculous like I belonged in a bad Halloween horror flick.  I am not sure how many people saw me like that.  I guess I shouldn't have adjusted my position after the needles were in place.  Oops.

Ok peeps, please pray that AF shows her face tomorrow.  I am ready for my next cycle.  It is baby-making time.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

5 Comments »

I am not sure what is going on with my cycle.  I was all excited about ovulating on day 17 and now I am 13 dpo, getting negative tests, and I am not even having cramps anymore.  I had pretty bad cramps yesterday and I expected to get my period this morning, but instead I was greeted with a huge jump in temperature.  In fact, I recorded my cycle's highest temperature this morning.  WTF?!  I have no idea what is going on.

I did some research on Femara and longer luteal phases and I found quite a few posts regarding ladies who had longer luteal phases while taking this drug.  Some of them said their luteal phases increased by 2 days.  Apparently a 'normal' luteal phase can be any where from 10-16 days long.  I have been on the lower end of normal, but now I have a feeling that I am headed towards the higher end.  Ugh.  I was so happy to think I might have a 30 day cycle...now that is shot to hell.

I am also still feeling some dull pressure in my lower left pelvic area which I have come to the conclusion is probably a cyst or two.  I have definitely had this pain before in the cycle after my chemical pregnancy and during my last pregnancy.  I know that my sister has also had similar cysts before, as well.  I have only experienced them since being off birth control.

Tomorrow morning I go for betas and then in the afternoon I have acupuncture.  I am 100% certain that I am not pregnant this cycle.  I have none of my usual pregnancy symptoms (sore breasts, runny nose, really tired, really bloated, etc.) and the FRER I took this morning has never looked so negative.  I also just know I am not pregnant.  The last 3 times that I have been pregnant I have had a gut feeling.  This time I don't have that.  I am fine with not being pregnant, but I just want to get on with my next cycle.

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

Add a comment »

I have been a bad blogger this week.  In my defense, I have had a crazy week at work and haven't really even had time to take a lunch.  I am not sure how much I'll get to write right now, but I figure I'll give a quick update for inquiring minds.  And as an FYI, this entry took me about 6 hours total to complete!

First and foremost, I found out on Wednesday that my friend who told me that she was pregnant on Tuesday found out that she is in fact miscarrying again.  Although her HCG levels looked good, the ultrasound showed that there was only a sac and no baby, probably a blighted ovum.  They felt that for as high as her HCG levels were that they should have been able to see a heartbeat.  My heart just broke for her because I know the feeling of going to an ultrasound and having it be less than ideal.  I feel like I should have been so much happier for her than I was.  My stupid jealousy always seems to cloud everything when it comes to pregnancy.  Although she does have a child, her road to having him was so rough.  I am trying to be there for her as much as I can be right now, but I wish I could go back a few days and change my original attitude.

I have decided to start seeing an infertility/pregnancy loss psychologist.  I found a holistic practice that has counseling, nutrition, acupuncture, yoga, support groups, and seminars for people all dealing with similar situations to me.  I chatted with the psychologist this morning and have scheduled to go in an talk to her in person on June 11.  I made the decision to talk to someone because I have so much built up anger and resentment about not being able to reproduce like a normal person.  I am so jealous of my friends that it is causing me to lose friendships that I have worked years on building up.  I am sad and angry that my period is about to show up even though my husband and I had planned on NOT getting pregnant this month.  It isn't healthy that I spend so much of my time thinking about this.  I am letting so many other aspects of my life that are good fall to the wayside.

Finally, a little update on where I am with this cycle.  I have (obsessively) been taking pregnancy tests every morning.  Ok, I didn't take one today, but for the past 3 or so days I have.  They are always negative and they always set the tone for the day- negative.  My temp had been going up nicely and was setting up for a triphasic chart but today it took a complete nosedive and I have more PMS symptoms than ever.  I have also had killer menstrual cramps.  YUCK.  I expect AF to show up on Sunday.  I got for blood work on Monday.  If I don't get my period on Sunday I will test again, but I am thinking this cycle is a bust.  I am just ready to be done with this so that we can start actually trying again.  I better get some rest this weekend.  :-)

share this on »

{Facebook}

{Twitter}

{Pinterest}

Add a comment »