I have been thinking about this a lot lately...things that I have lost as a result of my recurrent miscarriages. This whole chapter of my life has changed me so much and I am not sure that I will ever go back to being the girl that I was before all of this. Here are a few items on my casualty list. I am sure that I have missed things and that I will be adding to this list indefinitely.
1. Friends. Before my miscarriages I didn't have a problem when friends got pregnant. Since I wasn't trying, I still had the possibility that whenever we started trying we would be pregnant. One of my best friends from college's wife had a baby back in the fall. I have not yet seen their baby. He doesn't know about my troubles, nor has he asked. He sends me emails every now and again telling me how wonderful his son is and how much he loves his "perfect little family". It is enough to make we want to punch the wall and scream and cry. I cannot bring myself to go see them. Another friend had her baby back in March (she was due a month before my 1st EDD). I have also not seen her baby yet. I just don't have the strength. She also knows about my first miscarriage, but never really made any effort to check in with me to see how I was holding up. I feel like I can't relate to people who have gotten pregnant easily (friend from college's wife) or by accident (other friend). It makes me so angry when I think about it. They are probably both mad that I haven't shown the slightest bit of interest in their kids. I may never really be friends with either of them again because they just don't get it. Cue my psychologist appointment on Monday...
2. Sleeping in. Before my first 2 miscarriages I was not temping or even using OPKs. Now I get up every morning at 4:30 AM (even on the weekends) to take my temperature. Even on the weekends. I sometimes fall back to sleep on Saturdays/Sundays, but oftentimes I just lay there in bed thinking about how unfair everything is.
3. Being excited about pregnancy. I don't feel like I will even be able to be excited about being pregnant after 3 consecutive miscarriages. Seeing a BFP means anxiously waiting for beta results and thinking the worst at every ultrasound. Oh how I wish I could just be happy when getting a BFP. Happy thinking about the possibilities and happy about the future.
4. My "pre-pregnancies body". Man I used to be in such great shape. Looking at pictures of me from before getting pregnant and I am jealous of my own self! I am not overweight by any means (119 lbs), but I used to be very athletic looking and toned. Now I have lost most of that and just look blah.
5. My self-esteem. I used to have have faith that anything I put my mind to I would be able to accomplish. That was a great source of my self-esteem. Now it seems that I can't accomplish this one thing that every woman is supposed to be able to do, naturally. I am a perfectionist by nature and it absolutely kills me that I can't make this happen. I feel like less of a woman because of it.
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This whole messed up journey steals way too much from us. The loss of our innocence is the worst I think. Life was so much easier when I didnt know all this horrible stuff. It's just not fair.
ReplyDeleteI've lost friends left and right since losing Lily. Sleeping in became a thing of the past long before I had my rainbow baby. I will never be able to get excited about a positive pregnancy test again because I know that it doesnt mean a baby in nine months. I said goodbye to my body a long time ago. My self-esteem came back a little bit after giving birth to a healthy baby but its about to take a nose dive again since we're TTC our second take home baby.
Its just not fair that its so easy for some people. I want that easiness. And I want my innocence back!
I hear ya big time on 3-5! I am a natural born sleeper, I can take my temp at 5:00am and forget I even did it by the time the alarm rings again at 6:30. I haven't really lost any friends. Miraculously my brain has been able to compartmentalize others pregnancies from my own. I'm sorry for all that you have lost. I hope new wonderful things will come in the place of that which is gone.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true. Infertility in general penetrates your whole being and makes it difficult to find 'normalcy' anymore. Sometimes I think normal is over-rated, but sometimes I long for it. I keep trying to tell myself it's a passing phase, but the reality is, infertility and miscarriage have changed me forever. And in the end, I'm not sure if it's completely a bad thing. But it is hard, because, like you said, you do lose some part of things with it.
ReplyDeleteYep, totally could've written every word!
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